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– We are already looking, Hans, moreover, we are already seeing.
– But what is it?
– Some kind of crap, Hans, I can’t define it more precisely yet… Moreover, this is the crappiest crap I’ve ever seen! I don’t like this crap at all, Hans, and we will not ever attempt to save this crap from its desperate loneliness, because we will be the next in line for the rescue mission! It would be more rewarding to save the whole of humanity at once, Hans, rather than some incomprehensible crap! Signal to the base: the Ursa Major ship was found; they were sending a signal of disaster. Some holy crap was found during inspection… Wipe out the latter and put “an unknown hiding object that is not in the catalog of objects that we are aware of”. Check it up just in case… “Most of all it reminds us”… What does it remind you of, Hans?
– Fishtail, sir?
– What kind of fish is that, Hans? It looks more like a squid… You’re a biologist by specialization, are you not?
– Cephalopod, definitely, sir! But how can it survive without water?
– It has sent a signal of distress for a reason, Hans!
– Maybe it’s giant Gryllotalpidae, sir? A mole cricket?
– An insect?
– Well, yes, that is, well, yes, sir!
– Possibly-maybe! In my opinion, with no signs of life, Hans! Or it may be hiding in the ambush to hunt for the rescuers.
– I totally agree with you, sir! Should we bang it? Just in case?
– Why bother? What if it appears to be a “professor in paleontology” or something, even if it has got into distress and chewed on a couple of crew members, it’s not for you and me to judge… They may have an experiment of a kind. Send a signal to the base now – let them rack their brains over it!
– Or is it still better to destroy it, sir?
– Don’t try to be a hero! What if it scatters around with some bloody spores… shitty spores that is? Let them destroy it if need be, that’s their business, and our business is to fly on, Hans, and do it quickly! Who knows what’s on its mind and where it is now? We might only be watching its projection, while the thing itself is hiding! Freeze our transfer device to keep it on the safe side… And sent an invitation to the Ursa for a virtual meeting with their crew and a permission to get onboard with a rescue mission if needed…
– But you’ve just said we were not going there, sir!
– That’s right, Hans! But that creature on Ursa doesn’t know this yet. Full steam ahead, and as far away from here as possible!
Harvest Festival
– Get ready, Hans! We are entering the window of opportunity!
– Readiness level one, sir! I confirm!
– What’s that on your screen, Hans?
– It’s on our front camera, sir! Toroidal galaxy or nebula, sir!
– I would say it looks like a fanny, Hans! What a miracle! As soon as the window of opportunity opened, somebody’s butt appeared in it!
– An interesting pattern, sir!
– You bet! Now send to space galactic greetings, as required by the Rules!
– Done!
– Is there any answer?
– No, nothing, sir! But, there’s some kind of modulation received, probably local music…
– Try to come closer to that planet, it’s most likely from there!
– Looks like it, sir!
– Can you imagine, Hans, we are in the galaxy called the Ass of the World! Nevertheless, they are having fun in it!
– Yes, sir, they are probably dancing!
– Harvest Festival, Hans, or some other crap!
– Possible, sir!
– See, Hans, what a joy! Have you ever dreamt of getting into the Ass of the World for a Harvest Festival!
– Never dared dream about it, sir!
– And yet, we did it!
– Shall we start a rain there! As an experiment?
– Come on, Hans, downpour, and let’s get out from here! We don’t need to come to any contact with them! If we are not lost, of course…
– It’s forbidden by the Rules of the Flights, sir!
– True, but to send them a shower is acceptable!
– What should I put as the reason for the interference in the form, sir?
– Security, Hans, of course, our security! You never know what kind of boomerangs they can throw at us…
– It’s raining, sir! For three days running now! I wish it was raining beer, sir!
– Good things keep on coming! Do throw them a lightning bolt a couple of times! Show them we also know how to have fun! Did you say “beer” or is it in my imagination?
– I did, sir!
– Don’t forget to transfer some to us! We can’t waste the opportunity!
– To celebrate their harvest, sir?
– Exactly!
Darkness
– Hans, why have all the stars disappeared?
– Turbulence, sir?
– Don’t be silly, Hans, what kind of turbulence? We are in another galaxy, moreover, in airless space.
– Then this is most likely the machinations of the Russians, sir!
– Come on, Hans! To pinch all the stars in the sky is too much even for the Russians! What’s on your space sensor?
– Gas nebula, sir!
– So the lenses are closed, Hans, and we can’t see anything. Check our heat shield!
– Already done, sir!
– How much do we have?
– 20—30 minutes, sir…
– We can get overheated, Hans! Did you send a signal to the base?
– Doesn’t work, sir!
– Turn the ship over!
– No change, sir, the sensors got stuck, the lenses don’t open, as if we were diving into some sticky goo…
– Anything can be, Hans… Just anything can be… In that case, the main thing is not to panic. But if you do, make sure you’re the first to panic, Hans! With a proper subordination!
– Serving the system, sir!
– That’s it! I never thought that I would have to work as a sewer…
– What did you say, sir?
– Nothing, do not pay attention, let’s spin a little and don’t lose our speed… Move slowly! Someone has sprayed some crap on our way, a lot of crap… And some very crappy crap… But we can make it, Hans, we will definitely emerge out and wash the ship after. Now with all the shit outside the ship the most important thing is not to shit inside, so the System may be proud of us again!
– Serving the System, sir!
– Exactly! And turn off your imagination for now!
Jubilee
– Hans!
– Yes, sir!
– You know, I’ve been flying with you for a whole year!
– Yes, sir, one might say, it is an anniversary!
– That’s it! We could celebrate it somehow…
– Like invite someone, sir?
– Well, that’s not likely to work, Hans. We’re in another galaxy!
– Then do something special! For example, decorate the ship with garlands!
– Not allowed by the rules, Hans. Reduces safety!
– Well, cook something delicious then.
– For that we need ingredients, Hans? What special dish can be concocted of porridge No. 1 and porridge No. 2? Porridge number 3, even if you mix them all? What wingdings did you do at the Academy when the year ended?
– Better not to recall, sir! Moreover, since we are in another galaxy… Once the guys and I went…
– Set aside for now, Hans! Look, something has materialized in the transfer device!
– It’s wrapped in colorful paper, sir! And tied with a ribbon.
– Here, you see, Hans! The System remembers you, the System is always with you!
– Serving the System, sir!
– Open it carefully, try not to damage the paper!
– Oh, it’s a book, sir: Guidelines for Conducting a Safety Flight on an Airplane!
– Just as I thought! I wonder where they’ve dug out this vintage thing!
– Some of your friends, sir?
– Or yours, Hans. We’ll find out one day. I have an idea! Look which ship has a similar anniversary and teleport this book to them! Let them have some fun too!
– Will do, sir!
Upside down
– Hans, why are we hanging upside down like flies?
– The induced gravity subsystem is malfunctioning, sir. The field concentration point has moved. I’ll fix it in a minute, sir!
– Only gradually, Hans! We do not need to land on our heads!
– Land on our heads? What does this mean, sir?
– Kick the sand head over heels. That’s what the acrobats say in a circus when they are out of luck!
