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– You’re out of your mind, Hans! What kind of sentimentality is that? Is there not enough work for you at the vivarium? Moreover, it is forbidden to keep animals on board the ship.
– No, I didn’t mean real, I mean artificial! Even translucent. I will find some corner for them. Models with the second level of intelligence.
– Like yours?
– You are kidding me, sir!
– Nearly!
– May I have some animals, sir?
– Come on, but not many. Mind you, animals may be artificial, but the problems associated with them could be real.
– I don’t quite understand you, sir!
– Affection, jealousy, attachment, excitement…
– I can handle them all, sir!
– Can you? But I think about myself now! I’ve just imagined them: transparent as ghosts, messing underfoot, or worst of all, talking to me…
– I can make them invisible to you, sir.
– Do you mean, you will have animal sprites in your head that are invisible to me?
– Yes, sir!
– Go ahead! One more, one less! I thought you don’t have room for more, but if there is still some space left – go for it definitely or indefinitely! Have you cheered up?
– Yes, sir!
– Then turn your attention on, there are several minutes left before the communication session begins.
Order
– Sir, there is a package delivered in the transfer device!
– Look what there is this time!
– It is the Order of the Empire! Your reward, sir! It reads that it is for the extraordinary courage shown while rescuing the Nightwalker spaceship last year.
– This is probably the one we’ve pushed through the window of opportunity. They didn’t want to go and offered fierce resistance.
– Yes, sir! You’ve received the Order for “Outstanding Contribution to System Security”.
– Serving the System, Hans!
– Serving the System along with you, sir!
– It is a great honor, Hans, for me and for the ship too! You must call me “sir’ from now on!
– But this is how I’m used to calling you, “sir’, sir!
– “Sir-sir”, that might be too much, Hans. One word “sir’ is enough. Otherwise I will have to call you Hans-Hans!
– Yes, sir! Sir…
– Hans, as I’ve said, you don’t need to repeat “sir’ twice.
– Yes, sir, but look, the box has disappeared and your order has also vanished!
– What The Fume, Hans!
– The fume has disappeared too, sir! Look, here is the holographic message instead: the physical order has been removed due to the policy of economy and modesty. Your title and nomination are retained, but without appropriate treatment and display rights. This is a new rule of the System!
– Serving the System, Hans!
– Serving the System with you, sir!
– It’s even more convenient, Hans, because the order can get lost, sting me with its pin, catch on, damage or scratch something with daily wear. I take it as a safety hazard precaution, Hans!
– Will you suggest these considerations to the High Council, or would you prefer me to do it, sir?
– Be my guest! I will see if you receive the Order “for the outstanding contribution to the security of the System”, which will also disappear without a trace in outer space… Do not forget to point out my efficient and careful leadership!
– Will do, sir!
– It’s a shame I didn’t get any shots taken wearing it.
– I did sir. I’ll print your portrait and embed a copy of the order in it. The order will come out of the plane. You will like it, sir!
– You are a true friend, Hans! I wonder who made the proposal for economy and modesty… I’ve got some clues though…
– I’m at a loss what to say, sir.
– I thought so, Hans! But don’t rush next time. Time must always be considered! Timing is everything in our business!
– Sorry, I don’t quite understand you, sir!
– Never mind! Take it to the left, we need to bypass that overfield.
– Yes, sir!
Captain
– Sir, may I ask a question?
– Come on, Hans, just be brief!
– How did you become the captain?
– How did I become a captain? Or how did I become the captain of this ship? See, these are two questions!
– Probably the first, sir!
– At first I became a navigator like you. You don’t want me to tell you how I did that, do you?
– No, sir!
– Then I entered the School of Captains…
– You went back to school, sir?
– Indeed, we were joking when we were young that after the Academy of Navigators you need to go to the School of Captains, and in order to become an Admiral, you probably should go to the Kindergarten… And everybody laughed like hippos!
– This is really very funny, sir!
– You bet! We thought so, too, but it’s not as funny as that, Hans, and you will know why one day!
– Then I had been serving for several years on a large ship as an assistant captain, and then they gave me some kind of jalopy, a pathetic ruin with a robot navigator. What a bore he was! But gradually we’ve got used to each other! Sometimes he even sends me his greetings! He’s quite old for a robot, dodges mandatory upgrades… What’s flashing on your screen?
– Some small objects on the course, like asteroids, sir!
– Have we entered the field of gravity of some star?
– There is no star around on the indicator, sir!
– Instant acceleration, Hans!
– Why, sir?
– Don’t ask idiotic questions, do it! I’ll chart a course
and you take the console, you will be the captain for a few minutes! Just don’t press anything in a hurry!
– Yes, sir, I’ll be careful!
– Seems we have slipped through!
– What was that, sir?
– We flew straight to the event horizon of the black hole. A little more, we would not be able to escape and would be smeared over this very horizon…
– I can’t understand how it happened sir…
– Mark in the log: unidentifiable black hole in the square, put the coordinates, let them figure it out! Be careful, Hans! Do you know what is the main difference between a navigator and a captain?
– I daren’t know sir
– The captain can always say to the navigator: “Be careful!”
Radish
– Hans, what’s that on your food tray?
– Common radish, sir!
– Real radish? Where did you get it? We are in another galaxy!
– It grew up in the greenhouse, in the laboratory, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! There can be any sort of viruses there!
– Not in a separate container, sir! I put it away from the rest. It is absolutely lovely!
– Have you tried it?
– Not yet, but the analyzer gives a complete match to the standard of the species Raphanus sativus.
– Be careful with it, there are at least three days of flight to the nearest window of opportunity. What should I do with you if something goes wrong?
– I took all the precautions, sir!
– I can imagine! So, how does it taste?
– In my opinion, it is not any different from porridge number one, only more water. Crunchy… It’s funny, sir.
– No wonder, it’s tasteless, it’s from the greenhouse. There is nothing in it but water.
– I added organic fertilizers, sir.
– More reason for me to worry, Hans! Don’t eat more than one!
– I probably won’t, sir. Porridge with flavor modifiers is much better in my opinion.
– Let me spread it with the taste of pamplemousse. Have you ever seen a pamplemousse?
– Is it like a cow with big horns, sir?
– Don’t confuse moose and pamplemousse, Hans. Pamplemousse is fruit, in my opinion.
– And how do you like it with that taste?
– Only the devil knows what it is or may be!
– I tend to agree with you, sir? Do we have a moose-flavored additive?
– Follow the course, Hans!
