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– There you’re again! Who brought us into this jungle of the Universe? Who forced us to choose between two squares of space in the middle of the third square of space, who failed to warn us about an error in navigation? It’s all this blasted system!
– Serving the System, sir!
– You’d better, Hans! Mind you, in two days we may come up with something better…
Sarai
– Sir, we are running out of fuel!
– What is there on the course?
– In half an hour from us, there’s the “Caravanserai 14” base.
– Request boarding and refueling!
– There’s no access, sir. They have run out of fuel! In an hour of flight, there is “Caravanserai 15”!
– Request a refueling and landing!
– They don’t accept anybody; they are on quarantine!
– Plague on both their Serais, Hans, on we go!
– Next is the base “Berlogovo 13”! As the name suggests, they are the Russians, sir!
– Request their rates and affiliation!
– Pytchpytchshlimazlbesamemucho…
– What The Hemp is that?
– That’s their answer, sir!
– Blast! Request again!
– The same answer, sir!
– Probably everyone is drunk as shit. They look ridiculous and disgraceful there, Hans, I am telling you, this is the Russian base!
– What’s to be done, sir? We need to refuel, otherwise we will not reach the destination!
– No fear! We’ll have to smile from ear to ear, drink vodka and shout Russian songs about their homeland and Cheburashka.
– Who’s Cheburashka, sir?
– Nobody knows for sure, Hans! It’s a small bear cub sort of creature with big round ears. Every Russian likes it so much, that may die for it.
– Does it bite?
– Bites haven’t been reported yet, its mouth is too small, but it has a friend, a crocodile, that one may bite for sure!
– Those Russians, Sir.
– Those Russians definitely, Hans! Where were you born?
– On the Isle of Consent, sir!
– Oh, Consent! That’s your luck, Hans! You can tell them a story about your consent, I trust you can cope.
– Only with your help, sir!
– And some aspirin that we pocket!
– There might be Russian girls there, sir!
– Definitely, what are the Russians without their girls! Try not to drink too much: girls and vodka are, as you say, antagonists!
– No, sir, I’ll try not to!
– Do you mind if I say I was born on the Island of Consent too? We are in fact twin brothers, apart from the fact that our fathers are different and so are our mothers! Besides, I am a bit older and am your “nachalnik”. Russians love stories like that, full of complex logic and ardor.
– I don’t mind that at all, sir! What is “nachalnik”?
– Your boss! Remember, Hans, girls cannot refuse anything to those who were born on the Isle of Consent! They must consent, otherwise, they will break our ancient traditions, wake up the spirits of our ancestors, cause earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and such disasters in enormous proportions. Tell them everything that your imagination is capable of…
– We’ve got no other choice now but to fly, sir, I can feel it in my bones!
– I count on all the endurance and courage you are capable of, Hans! We mustn’t lose our faces in front of the Russian girls!
– Serving the system, sir!
– Off we fly!
VR
– Hans, what were you doing just now? I couldn’t get through to you!
– Virtual reality, sir, full immersion!
– Perhaps it is, but you’ve screamed like crazy, knocked on the wall, jumped like a monkey…
– Those blasted pirates, sir! They took me prisoner, demanded a ransom, but I fought back, sir! I even grabbed a treasure of gold coins and escaped with the princess…
– Of course, with the princess, Hans! I realize that this is your free time and you’re out to have fun, but you hit the wall so hard that I had to surround you with a field of anti-impact, otherwise you would have broken both arms and legs!
– Thank you, sir, at first it really hurt, but then the pain completely disappeared, and I put them to rout! I thought it was because of my superpower!
– No, Hans, that was due to my field, I took pity on your fists, and I also worried about the dashboard which you were approaching!
– I can’t figure, sir, how could this have happened. I’ve started with the field, but, apparently, I got out of it…
– Jumped out, Hans, jumped out! It seems to me that I have never seen such jumps and antics! If it wasn’t for another galaxy, I would have called a robot doctor to help you out or something…
– Thank you, sir, that you didn’t.
– What about the princess?
– Ah, damn! I covered her with a barrel!
– Hans, what sort of a girl likes to be covered with a barrel! Is it to keep her from running away from you?
– No, sir, burning embers flew at us, and she had a lace dress. She must have gotten completely wet, now she’s frightened, doesn’t know what is happening, she’s freezing, she is terrified, sir, she needs to be saved!
– Hans, she does not exist, she is neither cold nor hot, she is in your imagination! And don’t look at me like that! Alright, go finish the game! There’s no use of you here anyway while you are so excited! We are flying in automatic mode! And take that damn wet dress off her and help the girl to find you… a couple of times!
– Can you handle it without me, sir?
– No sweat, I can cope, Hans, but I’ll turn on the field around you to the maximum! Your time is still 3 hours 58 minutes! If I need you earlier – I know how to wake you up!
– How, sir?
– You don’t want to know!
Lecture
– Sir, it is your boss, with his lecture, sir!
– Well, yes, there he is in his bright image, Hans! We’ll have to listen!
– I have been longing to ask…
– You may ask now, Hans, just hurry up, he has already started speaking!
– Do you understand what he is saying?
– What sort of question is that, Hans? He speaks the same language as you and me, normally you are to comprehend every word he says.
– I can understand every word, sir, each one individually, but I just can’t grasp the meaning…
– Don’t you get that “it is necessary to promote flight safety in every possible way, but the effectiveness of mission planning is the key to our success, and our task, among other things, is”…
– No, I got that, sir!
– So, what is it then, Hans?
– But he will be mumbling it for 3 hours!
– To be exact 3 hours 23 minutes, Hans!
– Without a lunch break, sir!
– Why does it surprise you? The robot is speaking for him in his own voice!
– Who writes the text?
– Nobody does, Hans! The text is compiled by the System automatically!
– But why, sir!
– For you to listen!
– Don’t they understand that we aren’t listening to them?
– They understand it all! Moreover, they understand that we understand that they understand!
– That we don’t watch or listen, sir?
– We’re listening alright, Hans! That is why you are so bored. We are stewing in our own juice while they just add some spices to it. But your brain catches everything! The incoming voice for this is modulated in a special way. We are sure to answer test questions at the end, so don’t get too distracted.
– You mean to say that I can remember that “it is necessary to promote flight safety in every possible way, and the effectiveness of mission planning is the key to their success, and our task, among other things, is”… ah, damn it!
– That’s right, Hans, exactly, and, word for word!
– Are we doomed forever? Will this stuff get stuck in my head and keep buzzing just like it is now: “it is necessary to promote flight safety in every possible way”…
– Of course not! What’s the matter with you, Hans! Some kind of panic attack stained with misanthropy! You will soon forget most of this crap! So will I, fortunately! It will lower into your subconsciousness in the form of a set of instincts. You should realize this, you are a biologist by specialization…
– I beg your pardon, sir! Serving the system, sir!
– Come on, Hans, our life is meaningless unless we can have some fun in every way, even during this lecture. So, let’s have some fun and take it easy!
Questions
– Sir, I’m itching to ask you!
– What have you got this time, Hans?
– I’ve read somewhere about the planes of the old days…
– A good beginning!
– The trick was such: if the landing meters failed, the pilots poured water into a glass and landed the plane along the slope made by water!
– It’s very stimulating, Hans. But in our case it won’t help: as in zero gravity, water will fly around the cabin in drops of different forms and sizes, and if an artificial gravity is turned on, then it could be directed to any point. And how do you determine which is which: the top or the bottom? So, it’s entertaining, but useless! The same peculiar method may be used to determine air pressure in the ship with a condom!
– Gee! How is it done, sir?
– You’ll have to inflate it, Hans, and watch its size.
