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– We don’t have a vivarium on the ship now! I mean, on this mission, sir.
– Where did it come from then?
– Maybe it was teleported to us instead of some zoo by mistake, or it crawled into the transfer device by itself, sir!
– You’re out of your gourd, Hans! We are in another galaxy! We haven’t entered the zone of possibilities for at least four weeks!
– In other words, it is hungry, sir! So, it may be aggressive. If I were you, sir, I wouldn’t be waving my arms like that… It’s pretty close to you…
– What The Helm! That’s the last thing I was dreaming about: to be bitten by a snake in space! Do something, Hans! After all, you’re a biologist!
– In a jiff, sir. We’ll have to cool the room to eight degrees.
– What for?
– This will reduce its activity, sir. And then I’ll carry it to the cargo hold. I think I saw mice there.
– Have we got mice, too?
– Could be, sir, but don’t you worry, the snake will gulp them all down. And when we come by the zone of possibilities, we may teleport it somewhere.
– Good idea, Hans. I think I even know where!
– Where, sir?
– You don’t need to know yet! It will be a surprise to the host…
Doubling
– Sir, sir, let me ask you something, ask you something?
– What is it, what is it, Hans?
– I have everything doubling-doubling, in my eyes, my eyes and everywhere-everywhere!
– Like doubling? Doubling?
– That’s right, that’s right!
– What did you eat today? What did you eat?
– I reckon, the same as you, as you, sir!
– What did I eat, did I eat, Hans?
– Same as me, as me, sir!
– Hans! We entered the Singer-Singer resonance, resonance, urgently come on, come on, write a message, a message to the center! To the center! We have a problem, resonance-resonance, everything doubles, doubles, more pathos-pathos and words in reverse, esrever ni. Repeat eevveerryy lleetteerr ttwwiiccee! Let them teleport us immediately somewhere, somewhere or elsewhere, preferably closer to the sea and beer, before we get out of the zone of opportunity! The ship can explode to hell any minute! Don’t write to them about the beer, and the sea either! Now substitute “hell” with “uncharted horizons” and send!
– It seems to have stopped, sir!
– Don’t wait for it to repeat, to repeat, Hans-Hans! It may come back, come back any minute, any minute!
– Serving the System, sir!
– You can say that again!
Spider
– Hans, I think I’ve seen this nebula in reverse before.
– I don’t quite dig it, sir!
– Well, yesterday it was like that, but today, it is as if it was turned from left to right…
– I’m afraid you’re right, sir!
– What happened?
– We passed that nebula, we now have it on the other side, sir.
– What? But how did it happen, Hans? Did you slip through the rabbit hole? You can’t go there! It is strictly forbidden!
– Yes, sir, but we’re on our way back already.
– But how did you get there?
– Due to a spider, sir!
– What spider?
– I let it out for a sec so that it could catch the fruit flies. Remember that experiment we did last week? The flies almost all survived, and some even got out of the container.
– Hans, but they were infected with a virus.
– True sir, that’s why I released a spider on them, I thought it would be easier to catch the spider after it had caught the flies…
– Now you have to set a bird on it…
– A bird, sir?
– Well, yes, and let a cat after a bird, a dog for a cat, a cow for a dog… Have you never heard this children’s song?
– Never heard it, sir!
– I see! Each time to solve a smaller problem a bigger problem is created. It looks like it’s a common practice now.
– Quite so, sir! But what are we to do with our spider and flies?
– Your spider and your flies, Hans! Put on your spacesuit, lower the temperature inside the ship to minus 20, bleed the air out, turn off gravity, we will fly like birds in the compartments and catch your damn flies and the damn spider!
– We’ll make it, sir!
– Hold on! I need to put on my spacesuit, too!
Russians
– Sir, permission to ask a question?
– What have you got, Hans?
– What if we meet the Russians?
– The Russians?
– Well, yes, sir, what are we going to do? They’ve never explained that to us at the Academy, only said to put it off for later!
– We will pretend to be Russians too, Hans!
– Can we do that, sir?
– Well, we’ll push each other, saw the air around with our hands! Drink vodka right from a bottleneck! Play balalaikas! Lead a bear on a leash…
– Do you think that’ll be convincing enough?
– Yep!
– But, sir, we haven’t got any vodka, I’ve just checked! There are no balalaikas and no bear either.
– None left? Strange, I thought I’d ordered some… Is that all?
– But, sir, what if they talk to us? We don’t speak Russian!
– We’ll use an interpreter!
– You mean, the Russians will talk to the Russians through an interpreter?
– Yep! What’s a big deal? They do that all the time! If that doesn’t convince them, we can say that we are deaf and dumb Russians! That is, don’t drink vodka!
– How can we say that we are deaf and dumb if we are deaf and dumb? And how do we hear the answer?
– Through the interpreter, Hans, through the interpreter… As for the answer… Why do we need any answer?
– I’ll go find an interpreter, sir!
– Why all the haste?
– They’re on our course, sir!
– Put the lights out, turn off the engine, Hans! We’ll pretend we are an abandoned ship! And they won’t notice us!
– Too late, sir, they’ve already noticed!
– How do you know?
– They are all around our screens with their wide smiles, waving vodka in their hands! Oh, look they have a bear with them too!
– I wish I dropped dead!
Chicks
– What’s in the message, Hans?
– Spaceship “Trailblazer-60/90” on our course, sir. Crew consists of Sheila Rodriguez and Milla Schneider. They’re greeting us warmly, sir, and inviting on board for a friendly visit.
– Don’t rush to answer, Hans! It could be a trap. You know we mustn’t leave the ship. Have they sent their photos?
– Sure, sir. They are cute…
– Not bad, not bad at all, if only these are their photos, Hans…
– Perhaps instead of visiting them, we can invite them to our den, that is, to our ship, sir?
– And this could be, on their part, a “Trojan horse” ploy. In this case, “Trojan mares” ploy. In space, this concern is especially acute, what I’m trying to say, the need for vigilance and caution comes to the fore. We’re in a different galaxy, you know, Hans, not just somewhere!
– So, what should I answer, sir?
– That’s the question, Hans! To be or not to be there! The classic situation of fifty-fifty. What would you do in this case? What were you taught at the Academy?
– Follow the charter, sir!
– What does the charter read Hans?
– “Report the problem to the base, transfer the decision to the higher command, monitor the situation and wait for orders”.
– You are right, well done!
– Serving the System, sir!
– And the System is proud of you, Hans! But we’ll go further and use this opportunity for a surprise training! I am giving an introduction: we will test a decision-making model with faulty communication! In other words, we will model a situation when it is impossible to convey the decision to the higher level and receive instructions from them.
– Haven’t got you, sir.
– I say, turn off the transmitter, shut off the engines, Hans! Let’s visit the chicks! Go fetch some champagne! I believe there are some bottles left!
– Yes, sir! But who will guard the ship?
– Have we run out of robots, Hans? Put our Navigator in charge! That’s part of the drill too.
