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– I reckon, after we handle an incident, sir!
– Have we got an incident?
– Yes, sir! With the handle!
– We need to handle an incident with a handle?
– Yes, sir!
– Why, have we got an incident?
– You hung your cap on the switch handle for the emergency shutdown of the accelerator, sir!
– And?
– And it has shut down, sir!
– So why are you giving me all that shit? Put the ship control to manual mode, unblock the protection locker, lock the detection blocker, disarm the alarm system and prepare for the transition to Y-space!
– Yes, sir.
– And you know what?
– What, sir!
– Tie the handle of that switch to… to this pipe or something!
– Will do, sir!
Ass
– Hans?
– Yes, sir!
– Are you sleeping?
– Yes, sir!
– Am I?
– So are you, sir!
– How are we talking then?
– Through the subconsciousness reading system!
– But why do I see your ass all the time?
– I daren’t know, sir, probably it’s also in your subconsciousness.
– Hans!
– Yes, sir!
– Either you remove your ass from my subconsciousness straight away, or I’ll hit that ass of yours with my knee!
…
– Hans!
– Yes, sir!
– Where are you?
– I’m next to you, sir!
– In my subconsciousness?
– No, in the next bunk, sir!
– Hans, you’d better return your ass to my subconsciousness!
– But why, sir?
– Who knows what kind of crap is on your mind! At least you’ll be in sight!
– Will do, sir
Alien
– Hans, have you ever seen the aliens?
– No, sir, we were told at the Academy that the aliens do not exist.
– You were? What’s that swaying in the corner of the window?
– It’s a talisman, a mascot, Mickey Mouse, for luck, sir.
– Why is it green then?
– Probably it is sun-bleached, sir.
– Are you nuts? We are in another galaxy, there is no Sun around!
– Sorry, sir, It may have faded due to space radiation.
– So, you are saying that this thing brings luck?
– Yes, sir!
– We are here, you and I, in the damn ship, at the damn edge of the Universe, being exposed to damn radiation along with your damn mascot? And you call it luck?
– Probably that is required for our mission, sir!
– Get this crap off the glass! This is an order, Hans!
Fuel
– Hans, why are we wobbling like that?
– We entered the turbulence zone, sir!
– What turbulence zone, are you crazy? We are in another galaxy! In airless space!
– Probably the intrigues of the Russians, sir!
– Impossible for the same reason! Have you refueled at the base?
– I have… most likely, I mean, sir…
– Well, while you were goofing with that… cheerful refueller, flamingo legs, button nose, mouth to ears… Have you loaded the fuel in?
– I think so, yes, sir…
– How much, what brand?
– I don’t remember exactly, sir, let me check the data…
– To hell with your data! Turn off the engines Immediately, signal an alarm to the base while there is still some energy left: we’ve got a hole in the board, we were attacked by the Russians, or some other shit happened! They won’t fly to rescue the assholes who forgot to refuel! It’s your luck we are still not far away from the base.
– No, sir!
– What?
– Yes, sir!
– And change that dreamy face of yours! Next time I will do the refueling, not you!
– Sorry, sir!
Mode
– Hans! What mode should we fly now in?
– In the second, sir!
– So why are we flying in the third then?
– Sorry, sir, I thought we might arrive a little earlier…
– You thought, didn’t you? And may I ask you why?
– Well, the guys from the Academy will be there, we haven’t seen each other for a long time, I thought, sir…
– You thought indeed! Why haven’t you thought that you have a commander? Why haven’t you thought that we’ll need to report fuel usage? Why haven’t you thought that the engine might overheat?
– Sir, but we’ve saved some fuel due to the solar wind.
– Solar wind my ass! We are in another galaxy! There is no Sun in this place whatsoever!
– Sorry, sir, we used the Kruger moment…
– Don’t pretend to be smart, Hans! And always remember you have a commander to make the decisions for you! Turn on the fourth mode! Signal to the base: an emergency, due to some solar wind, fart or shit, do I need to think about everything for you?
– Yes, sir!
Folders
– Hans, where did all orders go?
– I sorted them out into folders, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! I had a system!
– Serving the System, sir!
– I also serve the System, Hans! I’m talking about another system!
– There is only one System, there will never be another System, sir!
– Don’t recite the Anthem to me, Hans, I know it by heart, same as you! How can I distinguish important orders from unimportant ones now?
– All orders are important, sir…
– Of course, they are, it’s from the same song, Hans, but not all are equally important! There is a sequence, there are priorities…
– Yes, sir.
– And you destroyed it all!
– No, sir, only sorted them!
– Sort them back, Hans! No, wait, looks like the same number of new orders have arrived already.
– Yes, sir!
– Why are they sending them in such behemothian quantities?
