Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

"On the other hand was carved a furious Sultan, plunging a ponyard into the breast of a young person, in sight of a multitude of people. Some turn'd their heads aside, others melted in tears: and round this relievo were these words engraved: Is it you, Nerestan?

"As I was passing to other busto's, a sudden noise made me look back. It was made by a band of men cloath'd in long black gowns. Some carried censers, which exhaled a gross vapor; others had garlands of flowers in their hands, gather'd without choice, and disposed without taste. They march'd up to the busto's, and offered incense to them, singing hymns in two unknown languages. The smoak of their incense stuck to the busto's, and the crowns of flowers put on them made a most ridiculous sight. But the antiques soon resumed their beauty, and I saw the crowns wither and fall shriveled on the ground. There arose a quarrel amongst this set of barbarians, because some of them had not bent the knee low enough in the opinion of others; and they were on the point of coming to blows, when my guide dispersed them with one look, and re-established tranquillity in her habitation.

"Scarcely were they eclipsed, when I saw a long train of pigmies entering by an opposite door. These little men were not two cubits high, but in recompense they had very sharp teeth and very long nails. They divided into several bands, and fell on the busto's. Some endeavour'd to scratch the basso relievo's, and the floor was strewed with the broken pieces of their nails. Others, with greater insolence, mounted on one another's shoulders, to the highth of the heads, and gave them raps with their fists. But what diverted me much, was that these raps, instead of reaching the nose of the bust, rebounded on that of the pigmy; in consequence of which, upon a close inspection, I found most of them to be flat-nosed.

"'You see,' says my guide, 'the impudence and chastisements of these myrmidons. This war has lasted a long while, and always to their disadvantage. I use them with less severity than the black gowns. The incense of the latter might possibly disfigure the busto's; but the efforts of the former generally end in augmenting their beauty. But as you have not above an hour or two to remain here, I advise you to pass to other objects.'

"A great curtain opened that instant, and I saw a work shop occupied by a different sort of pigmies. These had neither teeth nor nails; but in return they were armed with razors and scissers. In their hands they held heads, which seemed animated; and they were very busy with these heads, in cutting off the hair of one, pulling off the nose and ears of another; putting out the right eye of this, the left of that, and in dissecting almost all of them. After this fine operation, they viewed them attentively, and smiled, as if they thought them the prettiest heads in the world. In vain did the heads send forth loud cries, they scarcely deign'd to make them any answer. I heard one begging back its nose, and remonstrating that it could not possibly appear in public without that piece. 'My friend, head,' replied the pigmy, 'you are a fool. That nose, which you regret, disfigured you. It was long, long – You never would have made your fortune with it. But since it has been curtail'd and pared, you are charming, and you will have many a spark after you.'

"While the fate of those heads moved my compassion, at a distance I saw other more charitable pigmies, who were crawling on the ground with spectacles on. They were picking up noses and ears, and fitting them to some old heads, from which time had disengaged them. There were some of them, but those were few in number, who succeeded: the rest fixed the nose where the ear should be, and the ear where the nose: and this rendered the heads more disfigured than before.

"Being very desirous to know what all those things meant, I ask'd my guide: and she had just open'd her lips, in order to give me an answer, when I awoke in a fright."

"That was cruel," says Mangogul: "this female would have revealed a number of mysteries to you. But in her stead, I am of opinion that we ought to address ourselves to my juggler Bloculocus." "Who?" replied the favorite. "That silly fellow, to whom you have granted the sole privilege of shewing the magic lanthorn in your court." "The same," answered the Sultan. "He will interpret your dream, or no body can. Let Bloculocus be called," says Mangogul.

CHAP. XXXVIII.

Twenty-first and twenty-second Trials of the Ring.

Fricamona and Callipiga

The African author does not inform us what became of Mangogul, while he waited for Bloculocus. 'Tis very probable that he went out, catechized some Toys; and that satisfied with the intelligence he received from them, he returned to the favorite, sending forth shouts of joy, which begin this chapter. "Victory, victory!" cried he. "You triumph, madam; the castle, the porcelains, and the little Sapajou are yours."

"'Tis Egle, without doubt?" replied the favorite. "No, madam, no, 'tis not Egle," interrupted the Sultan, "but another female." "Prince," says the favorite, "envy me no longer the comfort of knowing this Phoenix." – "Well, 'tis: who would have thought it?" "It is?" says the favorite – "Fricamona," replies Mangogul. – "Fricamona!" says Mirzoza: "I see no impossibility in that. This woman has spent the greatest part of her youth in a convent; and since she left it, she has led the most edifying and most retired life imaginable. No man has set his foot within her doors, and she has, in some measure, made herself the abbess of a troop of young devotees, whom she trains up to a state of perfection, and of whom her house does not grow thin. There was nothing there to answer your purpose," added the favorite, smiling and nodding her head.

"Madam, you are in the right," says Mangogul. "I have interrogated her Toy, but no answer. I doubled the virtue of my ring, by rubbing it once and again. Nothing came of it. 'To be sure,' said I to myself, 'this Toy must be deaf:' and I was preparing to leave Fricamona on the couch where I found her, when she began to speak, by the mouth I mean.

"'Dear Acaris,' cried she, 'how happy am I in those moments, which I snatch from every thing that employs me, to deliver myself up to thee. After those which I pass in thy arms, these are the sweetest of my life. – Nothing disturbs me; around me all is silence: my curtains not quite closed, let in but just as much day as is necessary for moving me to tenderness, and gazing on thee. I command my imagination: it calls thee forth, and immediately I see thee. Dear Acaris, how beautiful thou appear'st to me! – Yes, those are thy eyes, thy smile, thy mouth. Hide not that growing bosom from me – Let me kiss it – I have not sufficiently gazed on it. – Let me kiss it again. Ah! let me die on it – What fury seizes me? – Acaris, dear Acaris, where art thou? – Come then, dear Acaris. Ah! dear and tender friend, I swear to thee, that unknown sentiments have taken possession of my soul. It is filled with them, it is astonished at them, it is not able to contain them. – Flow, delightful tears, flow, and ease the ardor which devours me. – No, dear Acaris, no; that Alizali, whom thou prefer'st to me, will not love thee as I do – But I hear a noise – Ah! 'tis Acaris without doubt – Come, dear female friend, come – '

"Fricamona was not deceived," continued Mangogul; "for it was Acaris herself. I left them to entertain each other; and firmly perswaded that Fricamona's Toy would persevere in its discretion, I hurried to let you know that I have lost my wager." "But," replied the Sultana, "I am quite in the dark with regard to this Fricamona. Either she must be mad, or she is cruelly afflicted with vapors. No, prince, no, I have more conscience than you may imagine. I have nothing to object to this experiment: but yet I perceive somewhat in it, that hinders me from reaping any advantage by it: and I am resolved to reap none. If ever I accept your castle and porcelaines, it must be upon a better title."

"Madam," answered Mangogul, "I do not comprehend you. You are inconceivably difficult. Sure you have not well examined the little Sapajou."

"Prince, I have thoroughly viewed it," replied Mirzoza. "I know it is a charming thing. But I suspect that this Fricamona is not the person I seek. If you desire that I should enjoy it one day or other, apply elsewhere."

"Faith, madam," says Mangogul after mature consideration, "I see none but Mirolo's mistress that can make you win the wager."

"Ah! prince, you dream," answered the favorite. "I am not acquainted with your Mirolo; but whosoever he be, since he has a mistress, he does not keep her for nothing."

"Very true," says Mangogul; "and yet I would lay another wager, that Callipiga's Toy knows nothing at all."

"Pray be consistent with yourself," continued the favorite. "Of two things one must happen, either that Callipiga's Toy – But I was embarking in a ridiculous argument – Prince, do whatever you think proper: consult Callipiga's Toy; if it keep silence, so much the worse for Mirolo, and the better for me."

Mangogul departed, and found himself in an instant close to the jonquil Sopha, embroidered with silver, on which Callipiga was reposing. Scarcely had he turned his ring on her, but he heard an obscure voice, which mutter'd out the following discourse. "What do you ask me? I do not comprehend your questions. I am not as much as thought of: and yet I fancy I am as good as another. Mirolo, it is true, often passes by my door, but – "

There is a considerable deficiency in this place. The Republic of Letters would certainty have great obligations to the person, who would restore the discourse of Callipiga's Toy, of which we have only the two last lines remaining. We invite the learned to study them, and consider whether this deficiency be not a voluntary omission of the author, dissatisfied with what he had said, and who yet found nothing better to say.

– "It is said that my rival has altars beyond the Alps. Alas! were it not for Mirolo, the whole universe would erect some to me."

Mangogul returned immediately to the seraglio, and repeated to the favorite the complaint of Callipiga's Toy, word for word: for he had a wonderful memory. "Every circumstance of this story, madam," said he, "concurs to make you win: I give up the whole wager; and you will thank Callipiga when you shall think proper."

"Sir," answered Mirzoza seriously, "'tis to the most confirmed virtue that I am resolved to be obliged for the wager, and not – "

"But, madam," replied the Sultan, "I know of none better confirmed than that which has seen the enemy so near."

"And for my part, prince," replied the favorite, "I understand my own meaning well: and here come Selim and Bloculocus, who shall be our judges."

Selim and Bloculocus entered: Mangogul stated the case to them, and they both gave judgment in Mirzoza's favor.

CHAP. XXXIX.

Dreams

"My lord," said the favorite to Bloculocus, "you must render me another piece of service. Last night a crowd of extravagant fancies disturbed my head. It was a dream of a very odd kind: and I have been assured that you are the most able person of Congo in decyphering dreams. Then give me quickly the interpretation of this;" and withal she related her own.

"Madam," answered Bloculocus, "I am but a middling Oneirocritic" – "Pray spare these terms of art," cried the favorite: "drop your learning, and talk reason to me."

"Madam, you shall be obeyed. I have some singular notions relating to dreams: and to this alone perhaps I am indebted for the honour of conversing with you, and for the epithet of Saturnine. I will explain them to you with all the perspicuity I am capable of.

"You are not ignorant, madam," continued he, "of what the bulk of philosophers, with the rest of mankind, deliver on that subject. They say, that the objects which most sensibly struck us the preceding day, employ our soul in the night. The traces which they imprinted on the fibres of our brain, subsist. The animal spirits, accustomed to flow to certain places, pursue a course which is become familiar to them: and thence arise these involuntary images which afflict or rejoice us. In this system I should think, that a happy lover ought always to be well served by his dreams. Nevertheless it frequently happens that a person who is not cruel to him, while he is awake, in his sleep treats him like a slave; or that instead of enjoying a charming woman, he finds a little deformed monster in his arms."

"That is exactly my adventure of last night," interrupted Mangogul: "for I seldom pass a night without dreaming. It is a family disease; and we dream from father to son, since the Sultan Togrul, who dream'd in 743500000002, and began the custom. Now, madam, last night you appeared to me," says he to Mirzoza. "'Twas your skin, your arms, your breast, your neck, your shoulders, this firm flesh, this easy shape, this incomparable Embonpoint, in a word it was yourself; excepting this circumstance, that instead of that charming face, that adorable head which I expected to find, I found myself nose to nose with the snout of a Dutch pug.

"I scream'd out dreadfully; my chamberlain Kotluk ran to me, and ask'd me what was the matter. 'Mirzoza,' answered I, half asleep, 'has just now undergone the most hideous metamorphosis. She is become a Dutch dog.' Kotluk did not think proper to awake me: he withdrew, and I fell asleep again: but I can assure you that I knew you wonderfully well, your body with a dog's head. Will Bloculocus give me the explanation of this phænomenon?"

"I do not despair of doing it," answered Bloculocus, "provided your highness will agree with me in one very plain principle; which is, that all beings have many conformities one with another, by qualities which are common to them: and that it is a certain combination of qualities which characterizes and distinguishes them."

"That is evident," replies Mirzoza. "Ipsiphila has feet, hands, and a mouth, like a woman of sense;" "and Pharasmena," adds Mangogul, "wears her sword like a man of courage."

"If a person is not sufficiently acquainted with the qualities, the combination of which characterizes this or that species; or if he passes a hasty judgment, that this combination does or does not belong to this or that individual; he runs the risque of mistaking copper for gold, a paste for a brillant, a calculator for a geometrician, a retailer of phrases for a wit, Crito for an honest man, and Phedima for a pretty woman," added the Sultana.

"Well, madam," replies Bloculocus, "do you know what might be said of those who pass these judgments?"

"That they dream wide awake," says Mirzoza.

"Very well, madam," continued Bloculocus; "and nothing is more philosophical or more exact in a thousand circumstances than this familiar expression: I believe you dream: for nothing is more common than men who fancy that they reason, and in reality only dream with their eyes open."

"'Tis of those," interrupted the favorite, "one may literally say, that their whole life is but a dream."

"I cannot too much admire, madam," replied Bloculocus, "the ease with which you comprehend such abstruse notions. Our dreams are but precipitate judgments which succeed each other with incredible rapidity, and by bringing objects together, whose sole connexion is by very distant qualities, compose one whimsical image."

"If I understand you right," said Mirzoza, "as I think I do, a dream is a piece of patch-work, the patches of which are more in number, more regularly fitted, according as the dreamer has a more lively turn of thought, a more rapid imagination, and a more faithful memory. Might not madness also consist in this? And when an inhabitant of the Petites Maisons cries out that he sees lightning, hears the rattling of thunder, and that gulphs gape under his feet; or when Ariadne at her glass smiles at herself, finds her eyes sparkling, her complexion charming, her teeth white, and her mouth little; might not one justly say, that these two disordered brains, deceived by very distant affinities, look on imaginary objects as present and real?"

"You have hit it off, madam: yes, a due examination of mad folks will convince any body, that their condition is but a continual dream."

"I have," says Selim addressing himself to Bloculocus, "some facts by me, to which your notions are very applicable; which makes me resolve to adopt them. Once I dream'd that I heard some brayings, and that I saw two parallel rows of singular animals coming out of the great mosque; they walk'd gravely on their hinder feet: the hoods in which their snouts were muffled up, had two holes in each, thro' which issued two long moveable hairy ears; and very long sleeves envelopped their fore feet. I rack'd my brain at the time, to find some meaning, in this vision: but I now recollect that I had been at Montmartre1 the preceding evening."

"Another time, while we were in the field, commanded by the great Sultan Erguebzed in person, and I, harassed by a forced march, was taking a nap in my tent, I thought I had the conclusion of an important affair to sollicite in the divan: I went to appear before the council of regency: but you may judge how much I had reason to be surprized. I found the hall full of racks, troughs, mangers, and coops for fowls; in the great Seneschal's easy chair I saw but an ox chewing the cud; in the Seraskier's place, a Barbary sheep; on the Testesdar's bench, an eagle with a hooked bill and long talons; instead of the Kiaja and Kadilesker, two large owls cloathed in fur; and for Visirs, geese with peacocks tails. I presented my petition, and instantly heard a horrible racket, which awaked me."

"Is that a dream of very difficult interpretation?" said Mangogul, "you had at that time some affair in the divan, and before you went thither, you took a walk to the Menagerie: but Signor Bloculocus, you tell me nothing concerning my dog's head."

"Prince," answer'd Bloculocus, "'tis a hundred to one, that madam wore, or you had observed some other lady wear a sable tippet; and that the first Dutch dog, which you saw, struck your imagination. There you have ten times more connections than is requisite to employ your mind during your sleep: the resemblance of colour made you substitute hair for a tippet, and in an instant you planted an ugly dog's head in the place of a very beautiful woman's head."

"Your notions to me appear just," replied Mangogul: "why do you not publish them? they may contribute to the progress of divination by dreams, an important science, which was much cultivated two thousand years ago; and has since been too much neglected. Another advantage of your system is, that it would not fail throwing light on several works, both ancient and modern, which are but a string of dreams; such as Plato's treatise of idea's, the fragments of Hermes Trismegistus, the literary paradoxes of father Harduin, the Newton, the optic of colours, and the universal mathematicks of a certain Bramin. For example, would you not inform us, Mr. Conjurer, what Orcotomus had seen in the daytime, when he dream'd his Hypothesis; what father C – had dreamt, when he set about constructing his organ of colours; and what was Cleobulus's dream, when he composed his tragedy?"

"With a little meditation, Sir," answered Bloculocus, "I might compass all that: but I reserve these nice phænomena for the time, when I shall put out my translation of Philoxenus, for which I beseech your highness to grant me the privilege."

"With all my heart," says Mangogul: "but who is this same Philoxenus?" – "Prince," replies Bloculocus, "he is a Greek author, who was very knowing in the subject of dreams." – "Then you understand Greek?" – "Who I, Sir, not a syllable." – "Have you not told me that you are translating Philoxenus, and that he wrote in Greek?" "Yes, Sir; but in order to translate a language, it is not necessary to understand it: because translations are made for those only, who understand it not."

"That is wonderful," says the Sultan; "Signor Bloculocus, well then translate Greek without understanding it. I give you my word, that I will keep the secret, and it shall not make me honour you one jot the less."

CHAP. XL.

Twenty-third Trial of the Ring.

Fannia

There still remain'd a good part of the day, when this conversation was closed: which determined Mangogul to make one trial of his ring, before he retired to his appartment; tho' it were purely to fall asleep on more chearful idea's than those which had hitherto employ'd him. He went directly to Fannia's house; but found her not. He return'd thither after supper; she was still absent. Wherefore he put off his experiment to the next morning.

Mangogul, says the African author, whose Journal we translate, was at Fannia's house by half an hour after nine this morning. She was but just put to bed. The Sultan drew near her pillow, view'd her for some time, and could not conceive how, with so few charms, she had run through so many adventures.

Fannia is fair even to insipidity, tall, ungainly, with an indecent gait, no features, few Agrémens, and an air of intrepidity, intolerable any where but at court. As for wit, she is allowed to have just as much as gallantry can communicate: and a woman must be born very weak, if she has not acquired a stock of jargon after a score of intrigues; for Fannia was advanced thus far.

At this time she was possessed by a man suited to her character. He gave himself little or no concern about her infidelities; tho' indeed he was not as well informed as the public, how far she carried them. He had taken Fannia by caprice, and kept her by habit; like a piece of furniture. They had spent the night at the ball, went to bed at nine, and fell asleep without ceremony. Alonzo's indifference would not have suited Fannia, were it not for her easy humour. Thus our couple were sleeping soundly back to back, when the Sultan turn'd his ring on Fannia's Toy. It instantly began to speak, its mistress to snoar, and Alonzo to awake.

After yawning several times; "this is not Alonzo, what's o'clock, who wants me? your business," said the Toy. "I think I have not been long in bed, let me take another nap."

The Toy was preparing to compose itself to rest accordingly; but that was not the Sultan's intention. "What persecution," resumed the Toy. "Once more who wants me, and for what? 'tis a misfortune to be born of illustrious ancestors: how unhappy is the condition of a titled Toy! if any thing could console me for the fatigues of my state, it would be the goodness of the nobleman, whose property I am. Oh! he is certainly the best man in the world in that regard. He has never given us the least uneasiness: and in return we have made great use of the liberty he granted us. What would have become of me, great Brama, if I had fallen to the share of one of those insipid wretches, who are always upon the watch? what a fine life we should have led!"

Here the Toy added some words, which Mangogul understood not, and then with surprising rapidity fell to sketching out a crowd of heroic, comic, burlesque, and tragicomic adventures: and it was almost out of breath, when it continued in these terms. "You see I have some memory. But I am like all others; I have retained but the smallest part of what I have been intrusted with. Be satisfied therefore with what I have related to you, I can recollect no more at present."

"'Tis pretty well," said Mangogul within himself; but still he urged afresh. "Lud, how teizing you are," resumed the Toy: "As if one had nothing better to do than to prate. Come then, since it must be so, let us prate on: perhaps when I have told all, I shall be permitted to do something else.

"My Mistress Fannia," continued the Toy, "thro' an inconceivable spirit of retirement, quitted the court, to shut her self up in her house at Banza. It was then the beginning of autumn, and every body was out of town. And if you ask me what she did there; Faith, I can't tell. But Fannia never did but one thing; and if she had been employ'd that way, I should have known it. Probably she was out of work: true, I now recollect, we spent a day and a half in perfect idleness, which threw us into a cruel fit of the vapors.

"I was heart-sick of this sort of life, when Amisadar was so good to relieve us from it. – 'Ah! you are there, my poor Amisadar, indeed you give me great pleasure. You come to me very opportunely.' – 'And who knew that you were at Banza?' replied Amisadar. – 'No body truly; and neither you nor any one else will ever imagine what brought me hither. Don't you guess at the cause?' – 'No, really, I cannot comprehend it.' – 'Not at all?' – 'No, not at all.' – 'Well then know, my dear, that I resolved to be converted' – 'You, to be converted?' – 'Yes, I' – 'Look on me a little: but you are as charming as ever, and I see nothing in that countenance that bespeaks conversion. This is all pleasantry' – 'No, faith, I am serious. I am determined to renounce the world. I am tired of it' – 'This is a whim, that will soon fly off. Let me die, if ever you run into devotion' – 'I will, I tell you: there is no sincerity in man' – 'Pray has Mazul fail'd you?' – 'I have not seen him this age.' – 'Then it must be Zumpholo?' – 'Less still, I have ceased seeing him, I can't tell how, without thinking about it.' – 'Ah! I have it, 'tis young Imola?' – 'Good, who can fix such fribbles?' – 'What is it then?' – 'I can't tell, I am angry with the whole earth?' – 'Ah! Madam, you are in the wrong; for this earth, at which you are angry, might furnish you wherewithal to repair your losses.' – 'Then, Amisadar, you sincerely believe that there are still some good souls, who have escaped from the corruption of the age, and are capable of love?' – 'How, love! Is it possible that you give into those pitiful notions? you expect to be loved, you?' – 'And why not?' – 'But reflect, madam, that a man who loves, pretends to be loved, and alone too. You have too much good sense, to enslave your self to the jealousies and caprices of a tender and faithful lover. Nothing so fatiguing as these folks. To see but them, to love but them, to dream of none but them, to have no wit, humour, or charms but for them; all this most certainly does not suit you. It would be pleasant to see you stive yourself up in, what is called, the noble passion, and give your self all the awkward airs of a little female cit.' 'Well, Amisadar, you seem to be in the right. I verily think it would ill become us to run into fawning love. Let us change then, since it must be so. Besides, I do not see, that those loving women, whom they set us as models, are happier than others' – 'Who told you so, madam?' – 'No body, but it is easily foreseen.' – 'Trust not to such foresight? A loving woman constitutes her own, and her lover's happiness: but this part is not suited to all women.' – 'Faith, my dear, it is suited to none: for all, who attempt it, are sufferers. What advantage is there in fixing to one?' – 'A thousand, a woman, who fixes her affections, will preserve her reputation; will be sovereignly esteemed by the man she loves; and you cannot imagine, how much love owes to esteem.' – 'I do not comprehend your meaning, you make a jumble of reputation, love, esteem, and I can't tell what besides. Would you be understood, that inconstancy must dishonour a woman? How, I take a man, and find he does not answer my expectations: I take another, and am still disappointed: I change him for a third, who does not turn out a jot better: and because I have had the misfortune to make a score of wrong choices, instead of pitying me, you would' – 'I would, madam, advise a woman who has been deceived in her first choice, not to make a second; for fear of being deceived again, and running from one error into another.' – 'Good God, what strange morality! I fancy, my dear, that you preached me a quite different sort just now. Might one be informed what sort of woman would hit your taste?' – 'Most willingly, madam but 'tis late, and the discourse would run into too great a length.' – 'So much the better: I am alone, and you will be company for me. Thus the affair is settled, is it not? Seat yourself on this couch, and go on: I shall hear you more at ease.'