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She felt tears well at the back of her eyes again, and she didn’t try to stop them. Life could be so unfair sometimes. Just when you thought you’d been through enough, coped with all you could, something else came along to steal the breath from your lungs and the fight from your soul.
CHAPTER SIX (#ulink_ed509943-728c-5b1f-a95d-01a38e65c370)
Dear Jessica,
It’s funny what you’ve done to me. For all this time I’ve avoided coming home, and now that I want to I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can. If you believe I can make things right with my son, then I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s hope we can sit together and laugh one day, and you can say I told you so.
Hope you’re well and that you’re not sick of writing to me yet. You’ve got no idea how your letters bring a smile to this soldier’s face. I haven’t had a lot to look forward to for a while, and your letters make a world of difference.
Here’s to seeing you soon.
Ryan
“PUSH UP AS hard as you can then hold.”
Ryan felt his mouth twist into a grimace. This was hard. Harder than last time, but then he was making himself work as much as he could physically endure.
The physio pushed down on him, forcing him to exert as much energy, as much power, as possible.
“Okay, and relax,” she instructed.
He let his arm drop. The thud started again, the pain that seemed to shoot through every inch of his skin on that side when he exercised too hard. He’d told her the pain wasn’t bad because he wanted to go as hard as he could.
Maybe that hadn’t been such a great idea.
Ryan wiped away the sweat that had formed on his forehead.
“You did good today.”
He gave the physio what he hoped was an innocent smile. “Why don’t we keep going? Another few reps?”
She shook her head, not fooled this time. “You going to tell me again that it doesn’t hurt?”
Ryan reached for his workout towel and wiped it over his face. She had him there. Perhaps she’d seen through his bravado the entire time. Seen the pain in his face each time he pushed himself too far.
“I just want to get stronger again as fast as I can.”
“And I want you to develop your strength slowly, so you can use your arm properly until you’re an old man,” she said tartly.
Ryan laughed. He couldn’t argue with that.
“Can I ask you a personal question?”
He looked up at her. “Shoot.”
“I was just wondering why you boys are always in such a hurry to get back to your unit? I get that you’re all close, but isn’t it nice having an excuse to be home for once?” she asked curiously.
Ryan understood what she was saying. Lots of people seemed to think that way, but they didn’t get what it was like to have such an unbreakable bond with another group of men. To feel that closeness and not want to let your team down. The way he felt about his unit was indescribable. He could probably never find words to explain it.
Maybe if his wife was still alive he’d have finished up in the army already, but now …? Well, now the army was his focus, what kept him going.
“It’s hard to explain,” Ryan said, complying as she flexed his fingers back and stretched his muscles out. “There’s something about not wanting to let your unit down, but it’s also about wanting to do the right thing.”
She smiled, but he didn’t think she understood. Not really.
“It’s not that I want to be redeployed more than being here, but I’m good at it. It’s what I do best.”
He was sure better at that than at being a dad.
“So you still want to get fixed up as soon as possible, right? Get back to wherever it is they want to send you.”
He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
She gave him a pat on the back. He could see she didn’t truly get it, but his physio was great at her job. And truth be told, not many civilians could ever understand the bond and camaraderie a good soldier enjoyed with his unit.
“Same time on Tuesday. And don’t leave here until you’ve stretched out some more.”
Ryan watched as she walked away. He sat there, thinking, barely noticing the other people in the room.
He always felt so useless, so powerless when he was here, even though he knew he was making good progress. Because it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he was never as strong as he wanted to be.
Ryan took a deep, long gulp of water before moving to stretch out his muscles some more. He knew he’d be sore in the morning if he didn’t do as she’d said.
He couldn’t help but think that the only time lately he hadn’t thought about his weakness, about what was holding him back physically, was when he’d been with Jessica. Last night he hadn’t thought about his arm once. Even when it had ached as he’d lifted it to touch her face, the pain had been nothing.
Or nothing compared to not letting his skin brush against hers.
He liked that she made him smile. That she listened to him.
That she blushed every time they were close, or the way a smile hinted at the corners of her mouth when he spoke.
For a guy who had sworn to never let another woman close again he sure could have fooled himself. Because when he was with Jessica, close to her, beside her, there was no other place he wanted to be. He couldn’t offer her a future, anything more than a friendship or short-term relationship really, but he’d been honest with her. He was only back for a short time. No matter how much he liked her, his duty was to his unit, and he would be back serving again as soon as he passed the physical.
Maybe one day in the future they could be something more, but right now he didn’t know what his long-term future held. His timing was way off, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him seeing her now.
If only he could repair his relationship with his son, he’d feel like he was making real progress being back here.
He stood and tried to ignore the pain as it twinged through his biceps.
Ryan smiled. He might have said no to the pain medication his doctor had prescribed, but Jessica was purely organic and the best pain relief he could wish for. He dialed her number. He didn’t care if asking her out again tonight was too soon. He wanted to see her and it wasn’t like he had all the time in the world.
If she was up for some fun while he was here, then he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Whether that was just hanging out together or something more.
Jessica stretched back and closed her eyes. The sun felt good on her skin. Like it was soaking through her pores to warm her from the inside out.
Hercules’s bark made her open her eyes. He was chasing Bella’s daughter, Ruby, around the yard, running alongside her and bouncing up and down.
Jess laughed. “Better than any toy, right?”
Bella agreed. “Nothing makes her giggle like that dog of yours.”
“You know it’s funny, but I don’t think I could ever tire of hearing that little girl laugh.”
They both sat back to watch the game between dog and child.
Bella was like her sister. When her own sister had died, Bella had been there for her, unwavering in her support even though it had been a lot for another teenager to cope with. And now Jessica liked to be there for Ruby. It was her way of paying Bella back for all she’d done. In the past and when Jess had been sick, too. Bella had never let her down.
Jessica watched as her brother, Steven, pushed himself up off the grass and stretched out his legs. He’d been lying back, swigging on a beer with Bella’s husband, but she figured the barbeque was calling him.
“Are Mom and Dad coming over?”
Steven dropped a kiss to her head as he passed. “Nope. They had some old-folks thing to go to.”
They all laughed at him.
“They’re not that old.”
Steven shrugged. “When you choose bingo over a real night out, you’re getting old.”
Jessica made a noise in her throat but she could hardly reprimand him. Aside from the fact he was her older brother, Steven didn’t mean a word of it. He loved their parents as much as she did.
“You wouldn’t get me a beer would you?” he asked.
This time she stood up and thumped him on the arm. “If you weren’t so charming I’d tell you to get it yourself.”
Steven pouted and made them all laugh again. “Then who’d make you burgers?”
Jess stood up and walked inside. She liked it here. Steven’s place was a bachelor pad, not exactly warm and cosy like her house, but it always felt good. They’d had plenty of good times here, fun times with friends and their little family. It was like her second home.
Jessica reached into the fridge for a six-pack of beer just as her phone rang, vibrating and singing in her jeans pocket.
“Ouch!” She hit her head and almost dropped the beer. Darn phone, she thought. “Hello?”
The voice on the other end made her close the fridge and lean against it.
“Hey, Jess, it’s Ryan.”
She took a moment to catch her breath. Ryan. How could the sound of his voice make her legs wobble like that? Her heart was pounding.
“Hey.”
“I was wondering if you were free tonight?”
Heck. She could hardly bail on her brother and Bella, not when they’d been planning to all catch up together for weeks.
But an offer from Ryan was sure tempting.
“Ah, I’m actually out already. At a barbeque.”
There was a beat of silence.
“Oh sure, no problem. Maybe another time.”
Jess cringed. She didn’t want to say no to him. Well, she did and she didn’t, she couldn’t decide, but right now saying no felt like the wrong answer. Especially after that kiss last night.
She sighed. Kisses plural, more like.
“Ryan, I …”
Jessica looked out the window at her brother goofing around, chasing her dog. Bella was sitting on her husband’s knee, laughing as her daughter bounced up and down with excitement as she played.
Would it be so bad if she asked Ryan over?
“It’s fine, really, we can just catch up some other time.”
“No, I mean, why don’t you come join me? It’s only a few of us. Just casual,” she said.
He went silent again. Jessica pressed her ear closer to the phone, harder, willing him to say yes and terrified at the same time.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”
“I’d love to see you again. We’re sitting around having a beer and waiting for my—” Jess paused and watched Steven entertain Ruby “—idiot brother to get started with the meat patties.”
“I’ll see you soon then.”
Jessica gave him directions then hung up. She leaned against the fridge again and tried to steady her thoughts. Had she done the right thing?
Probably not, but she was desperate to see him again. To be near him, to touch him and see whether she’d imagined what had happened yesterday. To see if maybe the connection hadn’t been as strong as she’d remembered it to be.
Or whether it was even stronger.
To see whether he was worth the heartache that was sure to come when he left again in a couple of months’ time. Because no matter how much she told herself she was okay with his leaving, she’d never allowed herself to get close to a man before without thinking there was a chance at some sort of future.
“You making the beer yourself, sis?”
Steven’s call forced her to move her feet, reach back in for the beers and go outside.
He gave her a puzzled look when she walked out again. He dropped his cooking utensil and moved toward her but she put up her hand.
“I’m fine.”
He was overprotective. Always worrying about her, especially after the cancer. But he’d already lost one sister, she could hardly blame him for wanting to keep her safe.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
She waved her hand in the air and tried to relax. “I was just chatting to a friend on the phone.” Jess gave Bella a sharp look, but her friend was already smiling. She had guessed exactly whom she’d been talking to.
“Oh.” Steven looked unsure but he turned back to the meat.
