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His response was another shrug. She hoped she hadn’t made him self-conscious about it.
“It’s a special forces thing. I got it after my initiation with all the other snipers.”
She leaned forward, bent to touch her lips to his shoulder, kissing down every inch of the inky black image. She let her fingers trail over the small, dark pink scar that showed where his keyhole surgery had been.
Ryan moaned and tightened his hold on her. It made her smile, pleased that he liked it, that he wanted her touch.
“Jess.”
The way he said her name made it sound like a warning. He tugged at her hair, gently, to pull her had back up. She ignored him, slowly running her lips up his neck, making him wait before she returned to his mouth.
She stopped, hovered her lips beside his before kissing him.
Ryan didn’t hold back at all this time. He took her face in his hands, kissed her again, and then stood, lip still tangled, arms around her body.
He only had to look at her to ask her the question. To tell her what he wanted.
The way he watched her, touched her, caressed her, told her everything she needed to know. Left only one question between them.
“Yes,” she whispered, tugging his hand.
He dropped a feather-light kiss to her lips. “Are you sure?”
She tucked in tight against him, nuzzled her mouth to the tender spot between his shoulder and neck, before taking his hand and leading him to the stairs.
No, she wasn’t sure. Showing her body to a man again had been something she’d feared since her operation. All she knew was that she wanted to be with this man, right now, more than anything else in the world.
And that meant swallowing her fears and taking a big step forward. Maybe he wouldn’t notice the difference? she found herself wishing …
Ryan felt as if his whole body was on fire. He wanted this woman like he’d never wanted a woman ever before.
And he was too weak to do what he most wanted. To scoop her up into his arms and carry her to her bed, to make her feel light and wanted in his embrace. He hated not having the strength in his arm, but then if he hadn’t been injured he wouldn’t be here right now. And he knew where he’d rather be, given the choice.
But even though he couldn’t lift her like he wanted to, he could enjoy the weight of her hand in his and the promise in her eyes as she sent a shy glance back over her shoulder at him.
He’d never been nervous before, not with a woman, not like this. But it had been a long time since … He tightened his jaw and pushed the thoughts away. Now was not the time to think about the past.
The problem with Jessica was that she wasn’t just another girl. A one-night stand. He hadn’t been with a woman he felt this serious about since his wife.
She was rather like his wife—not physically, but the same type of woman. He didn’t want to hurt her in any way, do anything that might compromise what they had. Because she meant too much to him. But right now he was powerless to stop what was about to happen, and it was too late to start thinking about why this was a bad idea. He was the one who’d started it, and he certainly wasn’t going to not follow through.
Jessica stopped at what he presumed was her bedroom and dropped his hand. She touched the door frame, looked over her shoulder and gave him an even shyer smile than before.
“You joining me?”
Ryan gave Jessica a brave grin back. “Yes.”
It seemed to settle her, looked like relief crossed her eyes, softening her face.
He was going to ask her again whether she was sure, whether this was what she really wanted, but then she disappeared into the room. Ryan hesitated for a moment before following her in.
Jessica was standing, waiting for him, like she didn’t know what to do. He hated seeing her look unsure, uncertain and nervous, but he knew what he could do to make her feel better. To make sure she knew how much he wanted her.
Ryan tried not to but he knew he stalked her across the room. He wrapped both arms around her, sweeping her to him, before walking her backward until her legs touched the base of the bed.
“Ryan …” His name caught in her throat, and it made him smile.
“Yes?” He arched an eyebrow before taking up on her neck again, where he’d last kissed her, letting his lips tease her skin.
She didn’t say another word.
He already had his shirt off but Jessica was fully clothed. He tipped her back and gently let her fall, before moving to cover her, to lie half above her.
She blinked and kept her eyes downcast, but he tipped her chin up and kissed her lightly on the nose then on her lips. At the same time he touched his other hand to her T-shirt, curling his fingers around it and raising it, pausing to give her the chance to say no.
Jessica responded by wriggling to rid herself of the top.
His gaze fell from her face to her skin, eyes dancing over her lacy red bra, the way her breasts filled it to almost overflowing.
“The light,” she whispered.
Ryan shook his head. “No.”
He stopped when he saw the panicked look on her face.
“Please.” Her voice held urgency, desperation.
“Okay,” he said as got up again, crossed the room and flicked off the switch. “Your call.”
It didn’t matter how much he wanted to watch her, to drink in the sight of her, he would do as she asked. He wasn’t doing anything to compromise what was happening between them.
He stopped, in the dark, letting his eyes adjust.
Before using all of his willpower not to rush across the room and pin her down to devour her, piece by piece.
Jessica felt like she was blushing all the way down to her toes.
She wanted to stop him, to tell Ryan she couldn’t go through with it, but if she told him that she’d be lying to herself.
She wanted him.
She just didn’t want to know his reaction when he realized her breasts weren’t natural.
It was the first time she’d been intimate with a man since her reconstruction, since she’d gone through her treatment, and it scared her. She hadn’t wanted him to see them bare, didn’t want to see his reaction, either, but as soon as he touched them he’d surely know. They weren’t soft and natural as they’d once been. Now there was the undisguisable firmness of silicone, and she was embarrassed about it.
Ryan’s hand skimmed her arm then trailed slowly down the edge of her breast.
She took in a deep breath. This was it. The moment she’d dreaded for almost a year.
“You’re beautiful.”
Jessica closed her eyes and tried not to cry, fighting happiness and tears at the same time. As confused as she’d ever been.
She tried not to shake her head. Thank goodness the light was off so she didn’t have to see the look on his face when he realized.
“You are. You’re more beautiful than I ever could have imagined you’d be.”
Jessica wanted to tell him she wasn’t, admit what he’d find when he took off her final layer, but she held her words in, too scared to say them out loud.
Ryan stopped, as if he were questioning her, but Jess responded by staying still, waiting for him.
She held her breath. Terrified.
When his hand touched her bra, her entire body went stiff, rigid.
She couldn’t do it.
“Stop.”
His hand hovered then fell.
“I can’t, Ryan,” she whispered, distraught.
He dropped his hands to hers, and lowered himself to rest beside her. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Jessica closed her eyes and pushed away the pain. Tried to figure out what exactly she could tell him.
“I have, well …”
He brushed the back of one hand gently across the side of her face, touching her cheek with the softness of a feather.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Jessica smiled bravely at him. She did want to, that was the problem, but she didn’t know how to deal with the embarrassment of what he was about to find.
Because even with the lights out, without being able to see, he would be able to feel. The scars were minor, the surgeon had done a great job, but the evidence was real and he would notice. There was no way not to.
She took a deep breath.
“Ryan, I have scars. I don’t want …”
“Shhhh.” He bent forward and kissed her, lips hovering over hers. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
She shook her head. “I do. My breasts, they’re …”
He waited, fingers stroking her hair.
“I have scars because I had surgery. My breasts aren’t real,” she finally blurted out.
Ryan didn’t say anything. He dropped another kiss to her lips before trailing his way down her neck, delicately across her collarbone, until he reached the lacy edge of her bra.
He paused and looked up at her. She could make out his face even in the dark.
“You’re beautiful, Jessica, and I don’t care what you’ve had done or about any scars.”
With an incredible sense of relief exploding inside her, her body felt like it had turned into a marshmallow. Her fears faded, and her body responded to his touch again. By his lack of reaction, he obviously just thought she’d had a breast augmentation. Realizing she’d managed to put off telling him the truth for a little longer, she trembled. Right now, he didn’t need to know why she’d had cosmetic surgery. If he didn’t care, then why should she?
Her body still thrummed with tension as he slipped off her underwear, but she forced herself to enjoy his touch. She couldn’t help but stiffen when he kissed first one breast then the other, his fingers gliding softly over her skin.
“See, they’re beautiful, just like I knew they’d be,” he whispered. “Just like the rest of you.”
Jessica finally relaxed into his touch, closed her eyes and sighed as his hands explored her body.
Tonight was about feeling good and enjoying herself. Losing herself in the moment. All this time she’d been terrified of showing someone her new body shape, worried what the reaction would be and if she’d even want to be intimate again.
But this—this was what she’d needed. To feel loved and wanted by a man like Ryan. A man who made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman in the world, like he truly wanted her.
Even if it was only just for tonight. Or until he went away again. Because if the light had been on, she could have looked into his eyes and seen his honesty, his integrity. Yet what she couldn’t see in his eyes, she could feel in his touch.
When Ryan inched his way back up her body and started to kiss her again, she pushed away her barriers, made herself think of nothing but the way he was touching her. The way his fingers felt against her skin, and the way his lips brushed hers in a motion she’d never tire of.
If this wasn’t heaven, then she didn’t know what was.
CHAPTER EIGHT (#ulink_62c14e7d-9007-5bcf-830c-76289fc0cfb4)
Dear Jessica,
It’s funny, now I know I’m coming home for sure and that we’re going to meet. I should have asked you for a photo, but then we probably don’t look like either of us expects.
You know, I’ve enjoyed this life for so long, but now the thought of coming back and sleeping in a comfortable bed, of not having to get up at the crack of dawn, sounds pretty appealing. I can hardly imagine what it will be like not to be with my unit, here in the desert, because it’s been so long. But I’m sure looking forward to meeting you.
I’ll see you soon.
Ryan
RYAN WOKE WITH a smile on his face. It had been a long while since he’d woken up grinning, but then it had also been a long time since his arm had been taken captive by a beautiful woman.
Jessica lay in the crook of his arm, face turned into him, cheek against the edge of his chest. Her mouth was slightly parted, her long hair falling over his skin and spilling out onto the white pillow.
He didn’t move, hardly let himself even breathe. Ryan could have stayed there forever, watching her. Content in what had happened between them. In the way his trip home had turned out after so many months of dreading it, after years of denying himself the luxury of returning. Of putting up barriers and refusing to confront what he’d left.
When he’d promised his son that this tour of duty would be his last, it had been a decision he’d made as a father.
But now? Deep down, he knew that part of that decision had been influenced by how he felt about Jessica. He wanted to come back for his son, but he also wanted more from this woman lying in his arms. Part of his decision had been because he wanted a real chance at making a future with her, too.
And that meant he had to let her in. A week ago, he’d have never thought it possible, but now he wanted to open up to her. To tell her the final chapter he’d kept behind lock and key from everyone but himself until now.
Jessica stirred. He shifted his body to face her, looking at her face as she started to wake.
