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“We often have to look the part, you know, fit in wherever we’re posted.”
She liked how comfortable the air felt between them. Like they could talk about anything. That’s how it had always felt when they wrote to one another, like they could open up about whatever was troubling them. No matter what.
“Let’s just say you wouldn’t have recognized me when I was away this time. I had a full beard and my hair was long and shaggy.”
“What!”
“We often have to blend in. The last thing you want is your buzz cut marking you as U.S. Army. That way we’re in less danger, because we’re not likely to create attention. I have to go completely undercover as a sniper sometimes, and that usually means making sure no one notices me.”
Jessica giggled. She couldn’t help it.
“So you looked like a hobo?”
Ryan nudged her, bumped his arm into her shoulder.
Jessica kept her eyes downcast, was too afraid to look up. His touch, the strength of his upper arm as it skimmed hers, made her stomach flip.
“Slow down.”
He did.
Jessica indulged in the pleasure of closing her hand over his forearm, let the warmth of his skin tingle through hers. It had been a long time since she’d touched a man, and even longer since the feel of another human being had made her feel like this.
“We’re here.”
The restaurant had a full glass frontage, a podium outside with the menu displayed and the unmistakable red-and-white checked tablecloths of an Italian restaurant.
“This isn’t …”
Jessica squeezed his arm and dragged him inside.
“Luciano’s.”
Ryan stopped and stared into the restaurant. She loved the wide smile on his face, the way his eyes were dancing. Seeing happiness in another was something that never ceased to warm her heart.
“Wow.”
“Not quite the little old restaurant you remembered, but let’s hope the food hasn’t changed.”
She went to walk inside but Ryan’s grip stopped her. Suddenly it was him holding her, his skin possessing hers rather than the other way around.
“Thank you.”
Jessica refused to drop her eyes, to look at his hand. She made herself be brave, didn’t let her nerves stop her. Because she wanted this. She didn’t want him to think she didn’t.
“No problem.”
Ryan stared at her, his eyes never leaving hers for what felt like forever.
“Table for two?”
Jessica turned, the spell broken. A waiter stood before them in the doorway, menus in hand.
“Ah, sure.”
She felt Ryan follow her, his big body close behind hers.
She glanced at him as they sat at a small table in the corner, tucked near the window. He smiled.
And she knew then that everything had changed.
Because from the look on his face, the way his eyes looked like a storm was brewing but at the same time sunlight was shining through them, made her realize that maybe he was having the same internal battle she was.
That they were supposed to be friends and yet within a few hours the goalposts had moved.
But it wasn’t just a new set of rules. It felt like a new game entirely.
One that she hadn’t played before. Or at least not in a very long time.
Ryan sat back and studied Jessica.
He was confused. More than confused. He had no idea what he was doing or what he should do, and it wasn’t a feeling he was used to.
This woman was doing something to him and he was helpless to stop it happening. In fact, he didn’t want to stop it. With everything else that was going on, with his son and his arm, this was a pleasant distraction.
He watched as she glanced up, long lashes hiding her eyes when she quickly looked back down.
She was as nervous and uncertain as he was, there was no mistaking it, and it felt good. He liked that she was unsure, too. He was as confused as a guy could get over what was happening here, so he couldn’t have handled her being Little Miss Confident. Her shyness made him want to step up and protect her, but not like it had been with his wife near the end.
He never wanted to feel helpless like that again. Like no matter what he did he couldn’t protect the person he loved. That he was useless and not strong enough to make a difference, to save that someone.
With Jessica it was different. He wanted to protect her, the animal within him wanted to growl like a tiger and keep her to himself, but it wasn’t because she needed protecting.
Jessica was strong. Healthy. Happy.
All he needed to do was enjoy her company, and humor the alpha inside of him that wanted to be released.
Ryan grinned when she glanced up at him again.
“Seen anything you like the look of?”
He didn’t miss the instant flush as it hit her cheeks.
“Ah …”
He shook his head. That had come out all wrong. From the look on her face, she liked what she saw as much as he did when he watched her.
“I’m going to go with good old spaghetti bolognese,” he said.
Ryan watched as she let out a breath and placed her hands over the menu.
“Meatballs for me, please.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Good choice.”
They watched one another. For a heartbeat that seemed like forever. Until she spoke, as if scared to just sit there and not say anything.
“How did you get on with George this afternoon?”
Ryan shook his head. “Not great. He’s still not talking to me.”
She smiled. “You’ll get there with him. Have faith.”
Faith. He’d kept the faith his entire time away, but at times, well, when he thought about his late wife or the way he’d run from his family, he wondered if he had any at all. What he’d seen away serving, what he’d had to witness, had made him question everything he’d ever known or believed in.
But sitting here with this sweet, charming woman now … it made him want to believe all over again. That he could be the man he’d been before experiencing loss. Before serving his country for so long.
That maybe, just maybe, before he went back the next time to rejoin his unit, he could be the man he’d like to be again in the future.
“Jess, about earlier today …”
“Water under the bridge.” She put her hand up. “I asked for a chance to start over already, now you’ve had one. Consider us even.”
He smiled at her; it was all he ever seemed to do when he was with her.
“Seeing you, well, emotional like that, it reminded me of a time I usually try to forget. I shouldn’t have reacted like that,” he apologized.
She reached out to touch his hand, the softest of touches, but enough to tell him that she was there for him. That she understood. “You mean your wife?”
Ryan swallowed what felt like a solid piece of gum in his throat. It shouldn’t be so hard to go back there in his mind, not after all this time, but whenever he thought of the end, of what had happened, it was as if his mind put up an impenetrable shield.
“What I saw my wife go through took something from me.” He paused. Jessica’s hand was still hovering. “I couldn’t ever go through seeing someone I care about experience that kind of pain again. Cancer is like a snake, it sneaks up on you, and once you’re in its grip I don’t know if you can ever be released.”
He watched as Jessica’s face froze. Only for a second, but he saw it. Saw something cross her eyes and her mouth, something that he couldn’t put his finger on.
Her hand rose then fell back to his again, before she pulled it back entirely. Her face was back to normal but something had made her waver.
“I didn’t know your wife died of cancer,” she said.
Ryan nodded. Had he never told her in all those letters how she’d died?
“Seeing someone you love battle with it, well, I can’t think of anything worse a person could go through.”
The smile she gave him was tight, strained, but he’d probably just made her uncomfortable. Bringing up terminal cancer as a subject made people react differently. He should have realized that.
“Ryan, didn’t you mention something about bruschetta before?”
His mouth watered. “Sure did.”
“Why don’t we share it? See if it’s as good as it used to be.”
Ryan raised his glass, pleased to see the sparkle back in her eyes, that sweet, natural smile back on her lips.
“To old times,” he said.
“To friendship.”
They clinked their glasses together, before he took a long sip of red wine from his.
It was good. Better than good.
This whole night felt great.
“I’ll only say yes to bruschetta if we can finish the night with gelato,” he teased.
Jessica sat back, wineglass tucked in her hand. “You’re lucky I like my food.”
They both laughed.
He’d done the right thing, inviting her out tonight. If they stayed just friends, then he’d be happy. But if something more happened … Ryan took another sip of wine before leaning in closer to Jessica across the table.
If something else happened then he wasn’t going to say no.
He’d have to be a stronger man to resist. And after years of not being interested like this in a woman, it felt seriously good.
Jessica smiled at Ryan as he attempted to cut a huge piece of bruschetta, piled high with tomato, onion and basil. Her insides felt kind of fluttery, her brain kept firing her warning signals that she was electing to ignore, but she was still enjoying herself.
Hearing Ryan open up about his wife, hearing the dreaded C word … it had rattled her. She knew he’d noticed the look on her face, seen the blood drain from her skin temporarily, but she’d managed to recover fast enough that he hadn’t called her out on it.
But still. Cancer? Part of her was pleased she’d never told him. After the way he’d talked about what he’d gone through, talked about what he never wanted to go through again, it had been clear he might not be sitting with her right now if she’d been honest from the beginning. He might not have even wanted to write to her if she’d told him.
But her chance to confess, to share what she’d been through, had passed. There had been a moment, a tiny window of opportunity, where she could have stopped him and told him what had happened to her. But she hadn’t.
And she had no intention of telling him now. Maybe not ever.
“Jessica?”
She looked up. Ryan was watching her.
“This is delicious.”
Jess reached for the large piece of bruschetta he had sliced off for her. The smell of the balsamic alone had her mouth watering. She could feel him watching her as she took a bite, trying to be dainty but struggling given the portion size.
“Mmmmm.” She finished her mouthful. “You’re right, it is delicious.”
When he smiled at her, before finishing what was left on his plate like it was no more than a snack, she knew deep down that she couldn’t tell him. If he was only here for a short time, who was she to be the one responsible for turning that happy smile into a frown? Why should her problems—health problems she’d dealt with on her own—be a reason not to have fun with him?
It wasn’t like she was embarking on a long-term future with the man. They were friends, and friends kept their secrets sometimes. It just so happened this was one she didn’t want to share with anyone who didn’t already know about it.
