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Hercules jumped and wriggled, but Ryan held him firm.
“You gave us a fright, bud.”
The dog just wriggled some more, tongue flapping as he tried to contort his little body around so he could lick him. Ryan held him in an iron-tight grip, just far enough away so he could avoid being slobbered all over.
“Come on, let’s go find your mom.”
He started jogging again, until he spotted Jessica ahead. He would have waved but he was determined not to let the dog go. He was writhing like a slippery fish again.
When she saw them, Jessica’s entire face lit up, a smile stretching across her lips.
“Herc!”
Ryan slowed and grinned. “Told you I’d get him.”
Now she was crying. Oh, no, he didn’t do tears well. He went to hold the dog out but she threw herself into his arms instead, almost making him drop the little animal!
“Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
He gave her a half hug back, the other arm still occupied by Hercules.
Ryan went to move at the same time as she kissed him on the cheek. His face turned too far and she got him on the side of his mouth.
He fought not to turn farther into her, his pulse racing at her mouth on his.
“Oh.”
He grimaced. “Sorry.”
Jessica was bright red again, like a piece of freshly snapped rhubarb.
“I—”
He stepped back, clipped the dog onto the leash hanging from her hand and put him down.
“How about we head back to your place? Get him out of trouble?” he suggested.
Jessica nodded, still flushed.
He didn’t know what was happening here, but one thing he did know was that somehow they weren’t behaving like long lost pen pals. When she’d held him before, it had felt too warm. Like someone had shone the sun itself between them. Like they were the only two people in the world.
And if it had been another time and another place, he’d have been tempted to never let her go.
But he was only here for a few months. Maybe less. He’d come looking for her because she’d been such a wonderful support to him. Helped him talk about his feelings, open up.
Without her, he doubted he’d have ever have had the strength to come home, to face his demons once and for all.
There was no chance he was going to stuff this up by letting his emotions get the better of him. Jessica was off limits romantically.
And that was nonnegotiable.
He had to maintain their friendship, repair his relationship with his son and summon the strength to open up to his own parents. Tell them how much he appreciated them and what they’d done for him.
He grimaced at the thought of what the coming months held.
He’d just have to take it all one step at a time.
CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_6bd2fd2b-a7d3-5907-809b-53e70f35b835)
Dear Ryan,
I know you feel like you can’t come back home, but that’s just fear talking. I’m not going to tell you that soldiers shouldn’t be fearful, because a soldier is nothing more than a brave human being and you can’t help how you feel. But you need to repair your relationship with your son while you can. And you need to face the fact that he will want to talk with you about his mother.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do understand pain and loss. I know what it feels like to grieve, and to want to hide away, but in the end you have to be honest with yourself. It’s the only way forward.
Remember I’m here for you. If you need someone to hold your hand, that person can be me. No questions asked. Jessica
JESSICA HAD BEHAVED like a brainless airhead. Since when could she forget her dog? And the way she’d shut out Ryan after he’d opened up to her was unacceptable. He must think she was some kind of a nutcase. Not the level-headed pen pal who was full of wisdom that he’d come to rely on.
Nothing about today had gone as planned.
Jessica smiled as he walked back into the room. She swallowed away her fear and pinched her hand.
“Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
He looked confused. One eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other. “What about?”
She sighed. He was either really good at pretending, or men actually were incredibly good at just letting things go.
“About before. Can we just start over? Go back to when you arrived?”
Ryan chuckled. He actually chuckled, while she stood there all breathless and red-faced.
“Whatever you say.”
Argh! Men could be so irritating. He was just like her brother. Or worse. Acting like something hadn’t happened when it had. But if he wanted to forget about it then she wasn’t going to argue with him. She’d behaved badly and now she had a chance to make things right.
“Okay, how about we actually have a cup of something hot and make some lunch then?”
He grinned and walked right up to her, stopping a few feet back. Ryan held out his hand.
“I’m Ryan, it’s so good to finally meet you.”
She glared at him and stuck her hands in her pockets.
“Not funny, Ryan.” The expression on his face didn’t change. It was so serious he almost made her laugh, but she felt like too much of an idiot to shrug it off. “I made a fool of myself back there and it wasn’t me. I mean, I don’t even know how to explain myself.”
He smiled at her again, but this time she didn’t feel mocked.
“I thought you wanted to start over?”
Jessica turned away from him.
“Look, I took you by surprise, that’s all. Now let’s have some food, okay? I’m starving. Unless you want to meet all over again, again?” he teased.
Jessica sighed and walked back into the kitchen. Her face still felt flushed, but she was starting to relax. Lucky this was a friendship where they already kind of knew one another. If it had been a first date she’d have been toast.
“Can I do anything?” he offered.
She shook her head.
“I’ll make some sandwiches and meet you outside.”
When he didn’t move she made herself look up at him.
“Hercules would love to play ball if you’re up for a game in the yard,” she suggested.
He winked at her and sauntered out the door.
Jessica had to force her mouth to stay shut. It was in grave risk of dropping down and hitting her on the chest.
Something about that man had her all twisted in knots, and that wink hadn’t helped. She was all hot, like she needed a fan, but she gulped down a glass of water instead.
And it didn’t help her any.
Ten minutes later, and still hot under the collar, Jessica found Ryan sitting back on one of her chairs, eyes closed, basking in the sun. A very put-out-looking Hercules lay nearby, ball neglected between his front paws.
She leant over to put the tray of food and drinks on the table when Ryan’s eyes popped open. He looked lazy, comfortable.
Gorgeous.
She pushed the thought away as he ran a hand through his hair and then down his face, as if to wake himself up.
“You’ve got no idea how good this is, just sitting here.”
“Sandwich?”
He took it happily and started eating. Jessica made herself do the same, even though swallowing was like forcing large chunks through a sieve.
They sat in silence for a bit. Eating. Watching the dog chase his tail then start stalking a bird.
“Don’t get me wrong, Jess, but I could have sworn you had something other than my going back to war on your mind before.”
This time she actually choked. Had to reach for her coffee and take a big gulp. What had happened to the stereotype of brooding soldier who hardly said a word and wasn’t up with the whole feelings thing? She had expected him to be quiet and reserved, but the reality of him was anything but. He’d either come out of his shell big-time, or he was making a huge effort here.
And hadn’t they put this behind them and started over?
“Sorry, went down the wrong way,” she stuttered.
Ryan didn’t look convinced, just reached for another sandwich.
“Whatever you say.”
She sighed.
“It’s true I’ve had a lot going on this past year, but I just wasn’t expecting to have to worry about you going back on top of it all. That’s all.”
It wasn’t technically a lie. She would worry about him when he was gone. But when he’d told her, her mind had wandered. To a place she didn’t want to go and shouldn’t have let herself be drawn back to.
“Jessica?”
She put on the brave face she had perfected over the months of treatment she’d received and turned back to him.
“I’m fine, honestly. Tell me about you. What do you want to do while you’re home? Do you need somewhere to stay?”
She held her breath, hoping he’d say no. There was no way she could deal with him staying here. Not now. It was messing her head up just trying to be normal around him for an afternoon.
“Tempting offer, but no, thanks.”
She tucked her feet up beneath her on the seat and turned to face him. It was comforting in a way to watch his face, but off-putting at the same time. Hard to fathom this man sitting here was the author of all those letters, the ones that had kept her going, even through the hard times. Given her something to look forward to and something to focus on.
His eyes softened as he smiled, laughter lines etched ever so slightly into his tanned skin.
“I’ve been hoping you might have some good advice to throw my way.” He paused, taking a sip of his coffee. “On how to deal with a twelve-year-old boy who can’t seem to bear the sight of me.”
Her heart throbbed for a moment, feeling his pain. But she recovered without him noticing.
“When you say he can’t bear the sight of you …”
Ryan grimaced. “I mean that he gets up and leaves the room the moment he sees me, or suffers my presence at mealtime by sitting silently and not raising his eyes.”
Oh. “And your parents?”
That brought the smile back to his face. “Thrilled to have their only son home and desperate for me to reconnect with my own boy.”
She thought about it for a moment. The nice thing about already having a relationship with someone, even if it was on paper, was that silent stretches weren’t uncomfortable. Or at least they weren’t with Ryan.
She unfolded her legs and leaned toward him.
“I know it’s going to sound like a cliché, saying that you just need to give him time, especially after all the time you’ve been away, but I think he’ll come around. He’s probably angry at you for leaving and staying away so long, and he wants answers. You need to let him know that when he does want to ask you questions you can be there for him, straight up, honest.”
Ryan closed his eyes and sat back. She could see this was painful for him, but he was better to get it all off his chest with her.
Besides, talking about him was taking her mind off the fact that she was attracted to him. That his being there, beside her, was making her have feelings she’d long ago abandoned when it came to men. And it also made her push her memories back where they belonged. Locked in a box, out of mind’s reach.
He smiled sadly. “You’re right, but sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just stayed away.”
Jessica shook her head. It wasn’t true and he knew it.
