Unspoken words

The summer ended. She felt different, different in all ways, like something changed her, awoken her from tight sleep.

“That’s weird I’m still this naïve poor living thing with the dream of getting out of here. But something is different, I don’t understand what exactly it is, I’m no longer the same.”

New academic year arrived, she bore in mind the thought about meeting Nowak again but didn’t give to it much significance. At the very first lesson their English teacher, did a remark about Capitolina’s hair.

“Nowak, what’s happened with your hair?

“Nothing “snapped she.

Kovalski (that was my surname if you are wondering and has amusing origin. Recorded in over forty spellings, this is a surname of Polish or perhaps in some cases, Russian origins. It is in its many and different native forms recorded in such varied places as Poland, Russia, The Ukraine, Germany, Belorussia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Croatia and Hungary. It can be ethnically either Christian or sometimes Jewish. The origination is from the pre 7th century word 'kowac' meaning to forge, and hence is an occupational name for a smith or at least an ironworker. However the additive suffix '-ski' when recorded, implies land and estate ownership, and like the German 'von' can also be a locational or status name for a person who came from one of the various places called Kowal. Heraldically the name carries many coat of arms. Perhaps the most famous and associated with the famous Crusades of the 12th century to the Holy Land has the blazon of a red field charged with a broadsword point down between two Turkish crescents, all gold. It implies victory over the Muslims, although historically this is arguable) enjoyed the whole situation, her face lighted up with a vicious smile at that moment.

So seeing Capitolina’s agony Kowalski elated with pleasure.

The whole year for Michaela’s despair their teacher made her to be a partner with Capitolina for coming up with ideas for dialogs, having conversations, improving general skills, discussing some topics from the manuals.

But Michaela started loving her conversations with Capitolina, they always laughed, enjoyed twittering about this and that and occasionally found the fount of common thing between them.

Then happened something that Michaela longed for such a long time. Capitolina started missing lessons, her results becoming worse and worse. Michaela’s vanity had the triumph, she was in all smiles about this, finally her enemy would end up with English classes and she could be happy. On the other hand she had the pity for her, because such a brilliant girl, went to the dogs, failed everything, gave up at the very end, she tried even to know what happed to her and wrote her a message, where Capitolina explained that everything was fine and even asked her how she was doing, Michaela estimated this reply like a gesture of Capitolina’s politeness. AS we can see from it I always considered people to be polite me and not caring about me, so my vision towards people was erroneous.

Well, then the hardest moment happened in Michaela’s life that the subject on Capitolina’s life dropped dead. A boy she regarded like a brother,( I mentioned him in the previous chapter) even more than just a brother, she had some kind of a crush on him, he in his turn, enjoyed to spend time with her, but she understood that nothing could be between them because he got a girlfriend, but the piece of hope never leaves our hearts and makes our life a total disaster.

“Dear diary,

I’m so wacky, nutty, fool, batty, how on earth I could have a crush on Mathew, he is not for me, we will never be together either, he has got a girlfriend and he will never like me as a girl. However I can’t help thinking about him, when I’m with him, a peculiar floating sensation comes over me as though I’m a balloon floating up in the air. It’s so difficult to see him every day and pretend that’s everything is all right, because nothing can be all right, when the only thing you do is drooling over a boy, who you will never be with. Moreover, this foolish excitement that goes over me when I see him. Why is it so? All those 2 years he was just a group mate for me, nothing more, but at the end of the third year, I have seen something in him, what it is, I have no the foggiest idea. That’s bizarre, because I fell in him, after my friend said to me that she had had a crush on him, but didn’t know how to say it to him, and I started to see him through and this thing happened. What a shame.”

However after the prom in her technical school, she realized that everything what was between them was nothing, he told her she was a pain in his neck, because once she had told him how bad she felt, he judged it like blonde moaning and stopped talking to her. She started eating much after it, it didn’t help her to cure her hollow which she had inside her, it even worsen the situation, she started hating herself for her weakness in eating, she couldn’t stand it, but every time her mouth was bulged with different kinds of food. Every day living in promises of that she could stop it, she was a strong girl, but nothing happened, binging became a part of her life, looking at the mirror, seeing this God knew what, she was ashamed of herself, didn’t want to see anyone, she closed from friends, world with hope that she could handle with all these things when she would go to Italy. For not looking back she decided to split up all the relationship that she had had with Mathew, she wrote him a message with apologies and commendations for everything he had done for her, and said goodbye to him, she thought he could regarded this message like a farewell one, but he didn’t understand her, and wrote that such beautiful girl didn’t have to complain on life and had all these cockroaches in her head about how ugly she was and fat, he admitted the fact about her annoyance, she made a conclusion that it was the most right thing to do – to break up with him and forget everything that she felt for him.

“ Maybe it’s selfish and a base thing, but I don’t want to have anything with that boy in common, just want to ruin everything and leave him in peace.”

The day of her departure arrived. She always wanted to travel but had no opportunities and means but finally it was happening. She was going to Italy for two weeks, wasn’t it exciting?

“Yeah, I’m so flabbergasted, over-excited and now I know will be ok, the moan girl is going away from me, only positive emotions, thought, it’s going to be incredible trip! Whoop! Whoop!”she cried.

Actually it was in that way, every single day which was spent far away from motherland gave her few and far between feelings and emotions. The turning point in her trip became a day when she met Luigi an Italian young footballer. A bit taller than her. He went on delectable words which every girl wanted to hear, she went wild with excitement of the whole situation, but everything was crushed in a moment, when he started proposing on things which were beyond her recognition.

“Ok ,we kissed, actually I kissed you only because who knows when I ever will jump at the opportunity to be in Italy and kiss hot Italian” she reasoned.

“But what you are offering me, is out of question, I will never do it, especially in the street, well, I have to come up with idea how to chip him off. He is much stronger than me , it’s obvious, moreover this is villain has a good range of muscles, it’s useless to cry out about help as we are in the outskirts of Rome and hardly anyone is in sight, I’m dumbfounded, what the heck he is offering all this, do I look like a slut? Ok, I have to change the subject, or lie something like my hotel is going to close or whatever.”

“What do you want to do?” he asked her with a subtle, charming voice.

“Maybe, you can tell something about yourself?” she offered him in order to win some time.

He said some facts about his family herewith showing off about him being a football player and earning big sum of money.

“I don’t care about your money, I want to get out of here as soon as possible, I have never had any plans to lose my virginity on a bench, the devil knows where.” her thoughts were delirious and entangling one in another.

“It’s so interesting to hear about your family”-he was pretending.

“You’re beautiful” he said.

“Fuck, shut your mouth up, stop, fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, what to do, what to do? It’s like being with a maniac, the situation I was afraid of all time is about to happen with me.”

“Kiss me.”, his request was simple.

“Maybe we can have sex?”, he proposed.

“You know, in Russia, we have another views on life, we never do sex with the first boy on the road, forget even about it, I’ll never do it with you.”– she managed to get these words out.

“Ok, chill, maybe you can masturbate with me?”

Her eyes popped out.

“You don’t get it? I said no, I don’t want to do anything with you.”

“Maybe you’re embarrassed, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.” Anyone would be embarrassed if they were in my shoes right now. “Maybe he finally realized that the thought about doing such a thing never crosses my mind.

“I can, then, to remove the bench in darker place and we can do it there.”, he smiled.

“What the hell you’re talking about, he must be out of his mind little full of lust boy, actually I should have awaited the actions like these from a 17 years old hot blood boy.” She resonated for herself about the state of the situation she was in.

And at that moment he had a call. Furthermore a man was passing near them. “I am saved.”, she thought.

“I’ve got to go”– he said, “My hotel is going to close.”

“Yes, of course, go, it was nice to meet you, bye.”, she murmured with a pretentious smile escaping from him with a relief.

“I can’t believe it, I’m all in one piece. No part of me got left behind. The lesson for me never kiss anyone at the first day of meeting, when you know him only 2 hours and he’s a hot Italian. I could have been dead and left without my virginity. God, where my mind was when I had kissed him, sometimes I should take off my pink glasses and see more profound, because it wasn’t funny at all as I thought it might have been.”

Running to the hotel as fast as she could, she was happy as she had never been before. Various feelings filled up her at this night, on one hand she was frightened, overwhelmed of the whole thing and thankful to God she managed to escape all the horror that could have happened with her, on the other hand she had a sensation in her stomach, it was the feeling of pleasure, yeah, endorphins which organism composed after good moments of life, or eating bananas or chocolates or kisses…..

‘It was a decent time ago since I’ve kissed last time, but better not to kiss for a long time than kiss like that. Actually he’s a good kisser. That’s so great we are leaving tomorrow this town and I will never see him again. However it was such adrenaline which you never get from roller-coasters, of course it’s better not to risk like this. But it is the lifetime experience and it is better not to regret.”

Chapter 6

“Dear Diary,

It is the beginning of a new studying year. After returning from Italy I was sure my life was going to change, I even shed some kilos, unfortunately, I was wrong. The first reason for it was my institute, I hated it with all my heart, I even flew into terrible tantrums about the whole thing and my depression was coming back, then our English teacher quitted his job and without him I see our course to be pointless. He is the greatest, only with him I managed to reach unbelievable results in a short span of time, I can’t imagine my life without him. As a consequence of my shattered psychic I have started wolfing more and more food, self-flagellation has come back, and I just hate myself for being alive. “

The first English lesson had to start through one hour, she was wondering what the new teacher would be, then she read the list of enrollment and to her gay, she didn’t see the surname she wished she would never have seen, there wasn’t Nowak.

“Yuppie!”,she exclaimed, “One year without her.”

Her joy wasn’t for long when sitting with her friends, she saw 2 girls came to them.

“Capitolina and Marisa, what the hell you are doing here, you are not supposed to be here. Ok, maybe she just came with Marisa. Grin and bear.”

“Hey, girls.” she managed the words out of her mouth.

“Hello Michaela.” exploded girls together.

“Oh you dyed your hair in blonde, I like it, that’s cool, awesome.” said Capitolina.

“Thank you.” she managed a response.

“I like that you told about my hair, thank you, but I’m sure you said that because you dyed your hair in the same colour, didn’t you. Fuck I’m so fat, that’s embarrassing, the thing I wished hadn’t happened. Fuck, okay, act in a normal way.”Her thoughts were always being around the subject of how fat I was.

“How are you? How was your summer?” she asked her.

“It was great, thank you for asking.” she mumbled.

“Actually her summer was perfect than any other, spending it in Italy”. replied a friend of mine.

‘Thank you, of course, but I could answer myself, I snapped in my mind, as it looked like she just tried to show me off.”

“Mine was good too, – Capitolina didn’t hesitate.

Then they went away.

“Thanks goodness they have gone. I can’t bear it. But it was nice chat though.”– she thought.

Lesson was about to start, Christine at last came.

“What a relief!” the thought slipped in her mind.

Girls hugged each other after a warm greeting..

“I’ve just seen Marisa and Capitolina smoking, I didn’t know they smoke”. said Christine.

“Me neither, but whatever that’s their life, they can do what they want”. Michaela really didn’t care about their lifestyles anymore.

When the lesson started everyone understood it was going to be a total failure, their new teacher was a woman of 70s who never shut her fucking mouth even for a second, repeating all the time one phrase “I see, I see.”

Everybody made fun of this. And one lesson Capitolina’s and Michaela’s eyes met, they burnt in laughing, pulling faces to each other in which they were trying to imitate their new teacher, and went on and on. And this turned upside down all Michaela’s life.

“After that I realized that Nowak wasn’t such a bitch as I thought. She lit my life with joy, positive energy on each lesson. I didn’t hesitate much and made a decision to write her about it and here all changed, we started chattering like mad, about everything.”

“Dear diary,

Today I’ve been talking to her, I can’t even imagine that she is absolutely a normal girl, sometimes I have to see people from other corner. She is so great. I can’t understand how it’s happened but now I even can’t imagine my life without her, the girl who I hated the most turned out to be a ray of sun I like this change in my life.”

I have even invited her and Marisa on my b-day. They accepted my invitation. I am over the moon, I am smiling as I have never smiled before. I feel how my life is improving thanks to her. This is incredible.

She is helping me to get over my binge eating disorder. I couldn’t manage to do anything but after her arrival in my life I took the new lease of life, feeling it again.

What a rocket of cheer kick up owas for Michielas when she finally added her in friends in social network.

There wasn’t a single day passed without writing something good about her. She has become an inspiration for her.

17.11.12

‘Dear diary,

Girls couldn’t make it for my b-day, because of Marisa’s problems, I can’t figure out which ones, but whatever. Then I saw Marisa’s post in twitter, there she explained ‘You are cool, but I don’t want to spend one vacant evening of mine, on you”. Yeah , I can be paranoiac, take things for granted, but I was sure it was addressed to me, ok, I had a conversation with her where she explained it wasn’t for me.

Well, I believed every single word they told me, however it was weird, to tell me about it at the eve of my b-day, I was very upset, frustrated, I had been waiting for this day so much, only because of them. This feeling of cognitive dissonance always was driving me crazy.

However I promised that I have to be cheerful, I managed to do it, but then we went to the cinema I saw Marisa and Capitolina, and here I almost burst in crying, actually I tried not to do it, for not looking weak as a kitten, but it was very painful, I trusted them and they ruined everything in a minute, what’s more, Marisa started to run away, Capitolina told her she didn’t have to do it but eventually they ran away together. Yeah, I thought we could be friends. I can’t find out why they have done such a thing to me, why they lied, the truth would be better than this, people always disappoint me. Why, what for, why always me? Maybe I have a curse? Moreover we went at the same movie in the cinema. It was difficult to concentrate on film, girls I was with that day helped as hard as they could. However when I returned home, I couldn’t stand any longer and exploded in deep cry. I’m not for this world, I have to die, I want to get out of here,I don’t know how survive I want to vanish forever, it is too hard to take. My consciousness can’t take it. I’m a naïve, stupid fool, still believe that one day we can be friends. I’m mad for what they’ve done to me, but I still love them and don’t want to lose them. Maybe I deserved it, maybe I wanted to be perfect to them and exaggerated. Anyway I love them even the betrayed me, I think it is my fault. “ la feducia e` una cosa fragile, facile di rompere, semplice da perdere, molto difficele da recuperare.”