Unspoken words

“Sure, especially when you attend courses with your best friend and you have a terrific teacher. When we went for the first time we had thoughts that it would be a wicked old lady like at university with lots of homework and with everything in that context.”, he replied.

I was melting just reading it. The stir of emotions avalanched me, the sentiment of not being worthless covered me into its warmness. So this was my response:

“Ahahahaahah, that’s why I am the only one teacher who doesn’t hold much truck with system of seniority, as I want to create ambience far from school one that students come with willingness but not like to the drudgery. You are either his friend or a number one enemy.”

“That’s it! This is the reason why we always attend classes with the real pleasure. And Adam says that one hour, it is not enough, he says that he has just got into stride when the lesson has already finished”, he continued.

That was really sweet of him to say this so I decided that I could offer them to practice more at my break time as it was not hard for me and it would be really beneficial for their progress. Moreover, it would be free of charge as if I see the real volition in people to excel at my subject.

Surely they weren’t against it and very grateful for this.

Then I decided to proceed with our conversation and made a step towards personal information. So I asked:

“Why did you choose to study stomatology, is it your choice or you were told to do it?”

To my surprise his reply was quite long which I hadn’t anticipated at all.

“You know, when your family is a dynasty of seamen, start from sailors finishing with captains on subconscious level you realize that everyone is expecting you to do the same thing. And when your father is away for 2,4,6 months from home, this is not very cool. So, I thought why didn’t try to follow my mother’s steps and become a doctor. It was not reasonable enough to become a therapist so my mum advised me to apply for stomatology. I wasn’t against, I thought it would be interesting until I started to study biology and chemistry in high school. But there was no way back. However, I had never had something like: You are going there, you will be living there and something like that. I passed the state exam, “Mum, dad, there is a university in Krag, I am going there”. I packed my things, took documents and flied there.”

I was glad to hear that it was his choice, as for me my study at university was kind of a servitude action. I wanted to finish high school but my mum had another opinion and some of the teachers had whispered her that it would be better for me to have two educations rather than accomplishing high school. My desire was completely mortified when I failed Math exam in order to enter Pedagogical College to be a primary teacher. To be honest, I had done it on purpose as I longed for being an interpreter not a teacher but there were no programs after secondary school. Eventually, my mum said to me that I was going to enter a college where my cousin used to study promising me that along with it I would also take up language courses, I bought it, for good or for worse. I studied management, economics and accountancy, doing my best at it but having no enthusiasm at all. During lessons I was thinking about my evening language classes and that brought me joy. In fact it was my place of refuge from the problems I was facing during college time. I wasn’t quite popular at first year of college. I did my best at learning process and extracurricular activities but my group mates were vicious with me. I was a Christian, vulnerable girl with big pink spectacles who believed in good and tried to create the same atmosphere around myself. However this produced a result of public ridicule and ever-lasting bullying by boys and girls who were of other kind. I didn’t understand why they were behaving like this, as deep inside they were great chaps I could see it, but that didn’t change their attitude towards me. Probably, they had some insecurities and problems of their own which they put on me in that form to deal with their stuff. That time I wished eagerly for revenge of any kind. I wanted everyone of them to feel the pain I felt when I cried myself out to sleep because of their actions. Would I be revengeful with them now? No, not at all. Firstly, because they had to put up with other hardships in their lives, secondly, I learnt valuable lessons and it made me stronger and turned into a person who I am now. I can even tell them thank you. The best revenge is your success and self-respect and self-love which you can give to others as well. Negativity towards others destroys us. Anyway let’s comeback to the things we have now. I was surprised that Haim had chosen Krag to study in. Our town was impregnated with supermarkets running by big heads who were always in a continual rat race between each other in order to demonstrate who was richer and more powerful. No wonder that both of them were also integrated in the world of politics, playing deputes and goodwill ambassadors. Most of the factories weren’t working as it wouldn’t bring much profits to those high circles of society, even though the local production would be beneficial for common people of our town, but whom we were needed to. To nobody. There were many churches to show how religiously minded our town was. Indeed the majority of the population visited those sacred places but when you saw those God orientated members in real life most of the times you wanted to puke or become an atheist. As for me I believed in high powers without affiliating myself with any religion. But we will get back later to this discussion, my dear reader. So, I wondered how he might like Krag.

Haim told his story. He landed, took a taxi from the airport (there is only one airport in the whole city) and while he was going he was shocked by the view as the place where he lived was sunny, with mountains, seaside, beautiful architecture and here all gloomy with nothing to fancy around and he was realizing that was where he was doomed to spend next 7 years of his life. And for two 2 years he was looking forward when he would come back home. Nevertheless when he came back home he asked to himself: “What am I actually doing here? Everything has changed” so since then Krag has become his hometown by choice.

“Reframing happened, perhaps you have grown and people who are around you now are giving you the feeling of being at home the place where you are meant to be. As for me I had the only place where I could feel myself like home. But it closed for me for good regarding my old age. It is clinical hospital for children where I spent a good half of my childhood. Normal people say that I am all out of sorts but it is not of their business. I love this place, I didn’t even execute the right to go home at weekends, even we were allowed to do so. We were allowed to walk there, we had entertainment programs, we had school there but then I grew up.”, that was my response.

“It doesn’t matter what the place is, what matters is what you feel being there. Where did you study?” he seemed to be interested in our conversation as he made an effort to proceed with it.

“Institute of management, economics and business, specialty: public and municipal administration.”

“But we thought it was foreign languages field.”, he said.

I explained him that the majority of people thought like that when they met me for the first time, especially when all your colleges graduated from language orientated universities.

I told him the story about my mother’s choice and my small structure of thinking at 15. About how I graduated from secondary school and that after finishing college I wasn’t capable enough to pass some school subjects in order to enter the university I wanted as I was bad at Maths and had no chances with it especially after two years of not even solving an equation of any sort. So I stayed in the same establishment where I had studied management but continued with a Bachelor’s degree in public and municipal administration as I had already mentioned and that was how I killed my dream to be an interpreter. My years at university seemed an age and not the golden one either. It comprised my struggle with habituating myself to new timetable and unwonted tasks, some teachers you wished you had never met and my bulimia in its blooming period. In spite of my eternal hatred to this place, I pushed myself through the boundaries to get that diploma with honours, take part in the conferences, I had the moments which you would always be grateful for and I met people I wouldn’t have ever met if I hadn’t studied there. Nevertheless I was a good advertisement for the institute as well, I passed exam for the FCE test (First certificate in English which demonstrates your proficiency at it). On holidays I went to the Olympic Games in the vest of interpreter, I studied Italian for all period while I was studying the main subjects at university. It was quite a time. I graduated last year but having no pedagogical degree I was seen skeptically at interviews but then it turned out to be of less importance, especially when I had already been tutoring for 6 years in my own whenever I had free time and people who had will to learn English.

Chapter 3

The following week was even better. It passed to October, the weather was unusually versatile changing from “bloody cold” state to “how is it possible to be so warm?” one. I loved autumn and not because I celebrated my birthday this month but because it gave me the incentive to create. The particular weather, penetrating rains, sombre days which made you to take a book, had a tea and climbed into the windowsill and read, sometimes distracting from the text to admire the views which brought you miles away from the window from your life to the place where you were meant to be even you had no vague idea what this place was. It was my sort of shrine from the outside malice of the world. I would grab a blanket covering in it as I was a caterpillar in a cocoon who was waiting for the crucial moment in its life – to become a splendid butterfly. However there was no chance of any kind like this for me. With my schedule I barely could go to the toilet left alone being in an inventive, creative mood. I didn’t want anything, just lie down and do nothing, contemplating about void.

By the way my best friend Alice who I happened to work with had the same feelings, adding also her continuously state of being severely ill, that’s why I always tried to be for her anytime she needed as I was worried about her. Nevertheless everything had its limits and one day I collapsed writing her that I neither doing well and it steamed into this:

“I have been reflecting all day today, okay more crying than reflecting but still. I realized that only we were capable ourselves to get out from this vortex of problems, this gap of darkness, because nobody will understand what is happening inside, even the most close ones. They have never faced something of the kind. When we needed each other we weren’t together as nobody of us wanted to put the weight of her problems onto the other and it was kind of embarrassing to talk. And now this lump of silence is trying to get out but doesn’t want to be released grabbing into itself more and more hardships and problems, it is so strong that you wish to switch off your emotions, feeling, and humanity. This time I intend that we are for each other, yes, it won’t be easy but we will be together. Hence stop apologizing to me for everything you say, for expressing your true feelings, I want you to tell me all your inner state, your perceptions, experiences, no matter how dumb or absurd it is going to sound. I have been staring at our photo for ages today and I have recollected that day in details, what we were doing, what we were telling each other, what pancakes you were eating, what you were wearing and then how we took pictures and then divided them between ourselves and what you gave me inasmuch as it was my birthday. Only seven months passed since the time we’d got acquainted and I figured out that together we could do anything, survive whatever happening in the world. No matter how we don’t want it and how we are ready to throw in the tunnel, but we must remind each other how strong we are even if it is going to annoy us. I express all my gratitude in your regards for that I have you in my life and I love you very much. So, if we lose ourselves at this time and space, everything will die around us, we will be like wandering aimless ghosts which stuck between worlds and I don’t want it.”

She was still in her eternal doubts about my words as she wasn’t ready to heal, sometimes I even found that we kind of enjoyed being misery guts, it was our part of life. She said that it was hard for her to reveal her rigours on me and that she was cried her eyes out reading my message.

“Hey, crying isn’t that bad, it shows that we are still possessed by some emotions, that there is life inside us which is trying to find a way out. It is not negative in that case, it is intrinsic state and if it is hold tight in captivity for so long it will eventually explode, and as for me it would be easier to know about this state, rather than you are going to fake. Honest perceptions are better than dissimulation which will cork you even tight. It will be hard work for us but we must try it out.” I didn’t give up on us.

Notwithstanding that she was giving in, talking about all the traitors and severities in her life. Eventually, I collapsed and piped my eyes as well remembering how I was left out when my grandfather had passed away. I was in hospital at that time being ill with anorexia, I will tell you my issues with food later, my dear reader. Everyone who I considered my friends didn’t even bother to visit me and I had no desire to tell anyone about my feelings as it was a waste of time. People would say that I lamented too much and then just kicked out you from their lives like a piece of trash. After I had a person in my life who I trusted in the way I could give up myself. I disclosed every aspect and emotional experience of life to him. I thought this was it, finally I had someone who could accept me as I was, wherethrough he had experienced even more life shit than I. I esteemed him to be my life savior inasmuch as he stabbed me in the back because of nothing. Every day I was lying to myself that I let the past go but it wasn’t true. Every time I was trying to find something in an effort to kill the pain, but then comprehended that it was still there and I didn’t have enough guts to turn the page, to close the book and start reading a new one. People let me go as I had never existed in their thread of life, as I had been just an object which became too old or uninteresting. I just wanted a friend. That was another example of fit of my profound attachment to people. In the end of my jeremiads I added that I wanted to cry with her, this was the only way.

That was how I returned to the point where I had wanted to get out of, just by remembering the past. Regardless of my denials to see the light, it presented in my day. I neglected the fact that there was a special connection between me and Haim, I pushed away any thoughts of the kind, with all my inner self I blindfolded my eyes convincing myself that he was communicating with me only out of respect. Moreover, I made a decision not to tell anyone that I had a crush on a student. Moreover I was not in the mood to have one more story with an apprentice. Meanwhile the sufficient attachment had already been developed.

“Now are you doing the thing which brings you satisfaction, aren’t you?” asked he after my university story monologue.

“Sure, but I can’t say that I am content with the conditions of my work.”, was my response, “I am thinking of quitting, to tell you the truth”.

“Oh, I thought we were going to be for long together.” I felt disappointment in his words but as usually, denied that fact.

“Actually, when I quit I will offer you a deal, so maybe you will go with me afterwards.” I breathed guts to tell that but was afraid how he could take it.

“We will talk about it when the time comes, but now just continue with the studying process.” he said with smile remark.

I remembered perfectly this conversation as I was heading to work and his reaction to my suggestion made my morning with the feeling of pure gay I proceeded with the duties I had on the day till the very evening as usual. With the last lecture being in progress, I got new messages who you could already guess from.

“I am so exhausted. We were tormented on a lecture, then I tried to get some sleep during the other one and at the point when I almost fell asleep I heard “The lesson is over”. God, it happens all the time!”, he exclaimed.

“I perfectly understand you. I have a crazy schedule from 8 am till 20.30 pm, without weekends and my body is so worn out from chronic fatigue that it switches off itself at a break time even though I detest to have naps. But those 50 minutes usually pass in a way as though they were 5 ones.” I responded.

“What do you mean without days off? Are you serious? You can’t do like that.”, he said with worrying note.

“I am serious. One day, I surmise, my organism wouldn’t resist and I won’t be even able to get from my bed. I walk like a zombie to work. Well, I am complaining too much.” I answered with a smile.

“You should take care of yourself or it could happen, indeed. Your organism will tell you one day – oh stop it, I’m done with it.’”

I was particularly pleased with his compassion for me. Though it wasn’t any kind of affection from his side, just politeness but by his simplicity, efforts in the subject and talks with me, he inspired me with a degree of attachment sufficient to make us both content in each other’s society. At least I wanted to believe it, even it was tough for me. I was too disappointed in human race. Meanwhile, Haim decided to tell me the full version of his “why I decided to learn English” story.

“You know, I had the first thought about taking up a language after the end of term exams, when I had nothing to do at all. However, as I started learning English so many times, I didn’t have any desire to study it again. I wanted studying French. Beautiful language. Then, I thought “Why do you need it? And where are you going to speak it. It would be cool but useless. Just in time my friend decided to take lessons of English, so I changed my mind immediately.” he explained.

“I hope you won’t regret about your decision. I deeply realize that without languages in my life I wouldn’t have acquired the majority of things I have now, I wouldn’t have gone to the Olympic Games, I wouldn’t have orders for translations and interpretations, I wouldn’t have gone abroad, I wouldn’t have participated in international conferences but most importantly I wouldn’t have met so classy guys like you and each time when I fathom, I express gratitude towards myself and when I get the idea that I actually can change somebody’s life for the best and put all my forces towards it as much as I can.” I tried to be humble but still my message looked quite flatulent as though I was advertising myself when in the reality I was far from it. It didn’t mean I had never boasted on the contrary I always used any possibility to show off, university also gave me a spur for it. Some professors taught us to stand out our advantages and capabilities explaining that it would be necessary for the future but still I tried to stay humble.

“So many pluses! I am sure there are even more. I have always looked up to my father, he is a sort of my role model. He knows 3 languages and I thought “Damn, am I not capable enough to be like that as well? Bollocks.” His response brought me a picture that his father was idolatrous figure in his life, he spoke about him with such devotion and respect that I found myself to be a little envious. My father left me when I was 8 months old, never trying to get in contact with me, all I saw were alimony reduction letters from him. At 16 I decided to be a big girl I made the first step and was left with disappointment. He said he had already had a family and I would be an obstacle for him. The reality could be harsh but it was for the best. One less hypocrite in my life.

“I look up to many people but most of the time I find myself to be a good for nothing creature. Many people have knowledge of languages channeling it with other more important activities. Anyway, there are their lives but I have my own path I should follow and stop crying around and start to create something mine.” I was broken creature, so self-chastising and self-flagellation were developed on a high scale.

“This is bad that you have such thoughts. It is not true. You are good for everything. Something will come out of it anyway.” Again, he was trying to comfort me and persuade how wrong I was. It was heart melting. I had never expected that a student like him could have written to me anything of the kind, as you remembered my first impressions about him and how far we were now.

I was in the mood to change the subject as I wasn’t in the frame to talk about my miseries:

“Sometimes, it occurs but I try to suppress it. Tell me better how you met Adam and hit it off so well.”

“It was simple, we entered the same university, turned out to be group mates and shared the same desk. The first lecture was anatomy, as far as I remember. We talked and I realized that he was so fucked up as I am, so we have been friends ever since.” The story reminded me of my friends, as the majority of them were sandwiches short of the picnic.

“Fun, this is the most important. Do you miss the friends from your city?” I asked it as I often missed my best friend Sara who moved after school to a big city, her dream city, where she studied her dream profession. I was proud of her, she was so determined, so committed she achieved so much in her own with only little support of her parents. She had always been different from me, getting everything she had ever wanted without pleasing others. I hadn’t been able to do the same as I had no balls to go contrary when people expected something from me I always agreed with their will and not with my own desires and wishes. I stopped living only for others not so long ago.

“I used to miss them but I have grown up since then, but they haven’t. This summer I came and met some of the adequate ones, who are studying at medical universities as well. Though there are some who are still living with their parents and I feel like that they hadn’t grown up at all. They are the same as they were at school. Same mindset, same jokes, conversations about nothing. So, this summer I kissed them goodbye. They were offended, of course, but I couldn’t do in another way, I need to progress with people not to degrade. I am going to Moscow soon for a concert, where I am meeting with my old friend but I reckon that the most truthful friends are the ones you have met at university.” He was so grown up in my eyes that I didn’t even feel that we had the difference in age. His views were of a grown up man not a 19 year old teenager. At his age, the boys I knew, were a complete rack, living to the max and involving their interest only around boxes of beer and cigarettes, declining the usage of their brains at all.

Then it was my turn to reiterate about my friendships which some of them I even worshipped and cherished because they were really meaningful for me.

“I have only one friend from school (I was talking about Sara, we met when I changed school for a new one, it was the third form. We didn’t hit off from the very beginning due to the fact that I had already had a friend who studied there and she was thick with another girl but as classmates we got on well together), then one friend from university (Her name was Iren, she was a complete opposite of me, girly, model type, heaps of boys were around her all the time, she possessed leadership qualities and always knew how to handle the most sophisticated situations), one more I met at Olympic Games, she lives in a big city with her boyfriend who happened to be my friend as well and they want me to live me with them, at least for some time. Alice, who had to be your teacher is also my friend (I met her at the meeting of Olympic volunteers and we got on like a house in fire immediately, hence we ended up to work together). They are the most important people in my life. It is so exciting each time to realize that absolutely foreign people enter your life and you are not able to imagine it without them anymore.