Unspoken words

Of course, it has been information of grand significance for you:)”, I smile, considering that most of the time people are bored to death hearing stories of the general.

However his response proved me wrong:

“If it were uninteresting, I would have said it. But why not to have a chat. I like what you are telling me.”

Could you imagine my face at the moment I was reading it? I doubt so, I was over the moon, I put cream from all pots in the world. I would usually resend all my conversations with guys to my friends but it was not the case as I had decided I was going to do it anymore. First of all, he didn’t like me, so there was no point, second of all, first time in my life I didn’t want them to know that I actually liked someone, because I couldn’t admit it even to myself. I let things go hang. I was tired of coming up with schemes to grab somebody’s attention, I wanted to be myself for god’s sake, without pretense.

Even having such interactions with him I was in a desolate condition that was what I wrote in my diary:

Dear diary,

‘I don’t know what is going. I am lost. I have to move on but the sudden attachment to all my students is impending me to do it. I am in a trap. I’ve become so close to these guys that I started to see the sense of life in them. Miranda is a one ear deaf girl, she is so sunny creature who makes you smile through the day, Alex is a six year old who loves me so genuinely that he is willing to study even Italian with me and after each class he tells me how he likes me and our classes. Olivia is a complicated girl who survived the coma and inability to speak for 3 long years of her life, she has difficulties with remembering things but is trying so hard and others guys are so attached to me that they even share their personal life with me and ask for advice. How on Earth could I leave them!? I see the potential in each of them. Somebody is going fast, somebody is a little slower but they are all determined and have incentive to surmount all bad weathers in their ways. I am in a predicament, confused. I guess I need time off to contemplate about what I really want and how to bring my desires to reality.

I would be a hypocrite but I can’t also deny the fact that I have special attachment to one of the student like I don’t have to anyone else. I like his personality, unique being and childish features in character. I hope for nothing but I can’t imagine my life without him at the same moment. As far as I see he is not interested at me at all, I am just a person who delivers the knowledge he would like to have in possession, we can’t be even friends. I am a lost case, I know I am the one of those who has crushes on people, loving the strange kinds of population, but never being loved back. Anyway, I will brace my energies and get the life not harassing others.’

I bet you speculated who that special student was. At least I avowed to myself what I really felt about him even if I continued to cram my feelings into a trash bin of my subconsciousness.

Chapter 4

Have you ever felt yourself empty to death? When you are dead among living, you walk, you breathe, you integrate with others but mentally you have been dead for quite a time. You cry but tears do not come out because the hole inside you is so enormous that everything is switched off. You feel like you are losing your humanity, all your senses are lost in oblivion of your delusions. However self-hatred is always with you, it is the only sense you are not able to get the grips with and throw away from your life. You detest yourself for every missed opportunity for every piece of time you lost, for things you have never done, for things you have done. This syndrome of living death is called binge eating.

All above –mentioned words have to do with compulsive eating patterns, when you eat off limits and then start feeling and thinking in this way. While you are eating you literally turn off all your senses, you are in the kingdom of food consumption, you do not think what you eat, how it will reflect on your health and how disgusting you will be feeling after that. Only what matters is to stuff into yourself more and more edible things. And then, you are in the state when you barely can sit because you have gobbled so much stuff into yourself, you start regretting and it is the most painful thing. Moreover, you are afraid to share the problem with someone, you think people are going to judge you, to discuss you, to gossip on you, to mock at you for your weakness, but binge eating is not a weakness, it is a disease which is comparable with drug addiction. Drug addicts use prohibited substances in order to relax from fatigue, forget about problems and just to feel themselves in the state of total peacefulness giving no care to the outside world. Binge eating is another sort of addiction, you eat mostly for the same reasons but the effect of food comfort longs for minutes, when you are full and barely can move you start to hate everything around you including yourself, suicidal inclinations take place, self-flagellation goes between reasonable control (self-hurting, usage of laxatives, vomiting, excessive exercising sessions).

You eat while nobody is watching you because you are too scared and ashamed to be seen by someone, how you pile up yourself with food. You always have switches in your mood, you think about suicide as the best solution to your problems. You hope for tomorrow and this tomorrow never comes. You are prisoned in your own mind. Darkness’s embodied you. There is no way to see the light. You might ask why it is happening, why you people with disorders can’t live as everybody does and just take things for granted. The reason is that we can’t, yes, we want to be happy, we want to enjoy every moment of life and smile to passers-by spreading positive vibes but we are cursed. Family problems, troubles with friends, dramatic relationships, other kinds of problems all at once influence too hard on us. We are reacting with speed power to every single thing in this world, too sensitive, too weak creatures. People wonder why after treatment we do not trust people instantly and start to be susceptive, because hole of desperation, long loneliness and misappreciation by others is not easy to cure.

I had been suffering from binge eating for four years so far, even though I had made so much for its prevention, but I still had attacks in the moments of emptiness of emotions or when I saw people putting off their masks and showing who they really were, I knew that I had to collect my faculties and put up with this world but sometimes I was so fragile that I just wanted a hug and get a little bit of time with someone like just staring at the ceiling and lying in silence or staring at the window hand in hand, I didn’t ask for much. However, life is not that simple. My first binge urges started when my friend said to me that I was a blond silly girl who was always whining and since when we only had known about each other that we existed in the same universe, it was hard for me because I cared too much about him, every single day I tried to support him in his difficulties but I got nothing in return when I needed help and such stories happened 3 times in a row but with other people, I wanted to die so hard, you give yourself away, striving to do your best for people you love and they just used you. It had a great impact on me.

A sunny girl turned into a fading ray, which couldn’t rise with every sunrise, I had some days when I was about to rise but I instantly sank down again. Life was strangled out from me. I wished I had never been born, I envied to people who died, I wished to change my life on death with those people. I was not going to lie but I cut my hands in order to feel better in that way some pain went away as I thought. I took antidepressants which made my condition even worse, they just gave me the feeling of indifference and more conviction of my uselessness on this planet. Step by step, I gained a lot of weight, earned low self-esteem, stopped going out somewhere with friends and cut off all social engagement with people. I longed to return to my previous life but I couldn’t. Food became my friend and the worst enemy at the same time.

I know, I didn’t mention all the feelings and problems which go along with binge eating and any eating disorder but only the basic concept, just give a brief appraisal to this disease. The most important thing is here that people have to think twice before judging a person’s appearance, how fat he or she is, or how skinny, most of the times people have no clue what have to undergo those people every day, how they survive, how they are dead to the world, because they see no light at the end of tunnel. I know, how it is seductive to gossip about someone’s look, but you have no idea how hard you can hurt that person especially if he is in that eating disorder condition. Stop for a minute and put yourselves into his shoes and maybe you will stop to judge that person and keep in mind that nobody is insured from getting into that condition, I had never thought I could be in the category of people with eating disorders and here I was…

Why am I talking about it? Because at that period of time I had massive problems with it. I just got used to eating like a horse it was my normal way of being. Realizing that I was unable to get what I wanted, miserable existence and no work prospects erking up to my condition even more. Besides I had no desire to heal. 4 fucking years of being fucked up, all kinds of drastic diets, pills, quick remedies, going around a dead end circle, when nothing worked. I was exhausted to nuts. I didn’t want to be cured, all I wanted to be exposed to the voidness and sink in it as a wrecked ship. And of course having crush on Haim I was realizing that I would never have a boy like this and that he was nice to me only because of his upbringing. A translucent boy with refined taste would date a girl from a sophisticated book, as I imagined her she would be pale with deep-expressed cheek and clavicle bones. She would wear long blond hair and had half a smile of an angel with complexity of her glance. She would be as a morning coffee, the first thing you wish to see after the awakening, smelling so appealingly causing to be wanted to pour down in her or a book which can’t be put down as it has grabbed you to pieces. And here was me: clumsy, boyish girl who lost her looks and figure with a quirky sense of style and views on life. The girl who gave up as a bad job on herself. Every day I wake up with determination to change, with a plan to follow to get back my perfect looks, to start from the blank and every day I failed. That personal clash was obscuring and still I didn’t lose hope on myself, I believe I would be healed at some point of my life span. It had already started as consciously I understood my problem, I had the will for things to be changed and that was already something. However, before I started to talk about how I believed that I could be rehabilitated yet another time. I had one more story to share with you as it was one of a paramount importance for me once. One more story how I was dependent on having someone special in my life.

Chapter 5

“That’s going to be the difference this year” she wrote down in her diary. This year she was ready for a real change in her life. Taken up an English course she figured out what she had to handle with – new people, the pressure of society and stuff like that.

Don’t be confused with this beginning my dear reader, it was written some years ago when I was another person with less contamination in my mind. This chapter will be written in a different way.

On the day when the course started she was over-excited, scared and nervous, being a very shy type, she was afraid of not being accepted by people. However everyone was so friendly and wonderful. She finally started to feel the life, after all bullying stuff that she had at the technical school. However her serenity didn’t long much. After a week of classes 2 new arrivals came. Two girls. They were like sisters, the thing was not in their appearance, no, they looked absolutely different, but it seemed their thoughts were shared for both as one could easily finished the sentence of another, had much in common and shared stuff which understood only they. They seemed to be eccentric to Michaela and non-understandable. She wished they had never come in to her life either in the English group, but she had nothing to do with it.

The reason of this hatred to the girls was deeply in her, her phobia not being accepted, not being understood by the new acquaintances, the fear that they could regard her as a strange girl. The next reason was that she didn’t understand them in some ways of their behaviour, considering them like wicked and devilish. Moreover she always reckoned they detested her too, because of her behave, her love to cartoons even her clothes. Even so it was just her paranoia which dominated her reasonable views.

Anyway she never showed any sign of abomination to them or sorts of that, she collaborated with them in a friendly way, what’s more she even enjoyed to have a word with them because they had something in common.

“Hey, how are you?” asked Capitolina.

“Hi, good, but all this IT lessons screwing me up.” The only words which Michaela managed to get out when Capitolina interrupted her daily state of being out of real world.

“Yeah, I have got the same problem, all these database, figures, pascal stuff, innervating.”

“Yeah, how I do understand you it is unbearable, I’ve got a complete fit with them.”

They kept interrupting each other with delighted faces, it didn’t matter for them that the rest of class had no clue what they were talking about, who knew, how long their conversation would have been but it was interrupted when the lesson started.

Even having such chats, Michaela stood in her position. “That’s bizarre”was her thought, “they are so kind to me, even praise me sometimes, but I’m sure they do such a thing only in order to show some respect and don’t seem to be churlish or whatever. Actually I like Marisa, she is different, when she is without Capitolina, I think it’s her influence has spoiled Marisa, but on the other hand Capitolina seems to be very cognitive, polite and less crazy than Marisa, I don’t know. However I don’t like Capitolina, anyway, first reason is because she loathes me and stuff which I do, then she didn’t accepted my friendship on Facebook, although I offered her 2 times, there are 100% that she hates me, maybe I don’t match her circle of society, actually I don’t care, but I don’t want her to be in our group either.”

Michaela always observed the way Capitolina was worn, the way she ate, drank, the hairstyle she had. The reason of doing it was the question “Why does she hate me?”

“She wears clothes as she would come out from home without a care in the world what she was wearing I don’t understand. She is rich, beautiful, polite and clever, but all these ponytails and buggy loosy apparels as though she was homeless. She must show off, be like a princess and mock me off. However she is always polite with people, even with me. I can’t get it why then she hates me, what am I doing wrong?” Michaela drummed her head with this stuff.

Michaela always estimated everything what was happening in her life people around her, her goals and failures.

She didn’t like to let people down, always being in time and willing to help, even it didn’t match her interests. Living in her own world which she created for herself, she understood that something wonderful had to happen in her life, maybe not that moment but in the future. Her face permanently would light up with smiles of pleasure if she could do something that brought a smile on face of another person. In that way she started making her hand-made stuff, firstly dedicated to her close friends and finishing with people who she either regarded to be important or nice to her.

She always tried not to show her weakness even the things hurt her too much, but understanding that showing herself as a weak she only worsen the situation, although she had another strategy as being a Scorpio, she knew she could hurt people in any time when they anticipated it less possible to happen, actually she tried not to be so cruel because of her religion. However it wasn’t always possible for her staying sunny and positive, it showed her diary where she wrote:

“18.03.11.

Dear diary,

I can’t stand it any longer, the only that I’ve been doing these days is crying, moreover I can’t help stopping it. I think I’ve been spending my life on foolish things. If I hadn’t done these thing, I would be in London now and learn English there and all my dreams would come true. I don’t know how to do my coursework, it’s so exhausting and hard to get things right. I am nobody in this world, absolutely nothing. The only thing I want now is to get out of here, find a boy who would take care of me or marry an actor, Paul Wesley would be a great one. (Paul Wesly is an American actor, famous as Stephan in a TV drama ‘The vampire diaries’ born also in Poland who she was in love with). Oh holy mackerel, why is it so difficult to live?”

It sounds more like the speculations of 13 years old teenager rather than a girl of 17 years. In some ways she considered herself like a redneck in the MarisaCapitolina’s society, but anyway sometimes she felt herself over the top under them.

In the days prior to New Year, her English group was obliged to prepare something for celebration like a song or sorts of that. Her friend Christine (she considered her as a the best one, actually) made a conjecture as making a speech of American president with his interpreter, everybody liked that idea and after phrase “It’s a wrap”, everybody started thinking who would present this video at the celebration, the first on the list was Christine because the idea was hers, then on the list was Michaela because of being in friendship with her and one of the best students, but the teacher thought it wasn’t sufficient to have only 2 girls and the other two were Capitolina and Marisa, surely Michaela was far from happy about that suggestion but had nothing to do with it. Just grin and bear.

On the day of all this commotion, everybody of course arrived earlier. Michaela was wearing her pink dress which she had possessed since her school prom, Capitolina was in light blue jeans, high boots without heels with laces and a white shirt over which was wearing a dark-blue thin sweater, her hair was leased, Marisa was in a simple khaki dress and sneakers, with her hair in a ponytail. Observing them pinky girl with her hair in curls and in pink shoes, thought she was out of the place.

“It’s a celebration why are they wearing in the way like they went to an ordinary lesson? I know that maybe I’m not so clever how they are but anyway, it’s inappropriate, and why they brought cheese with them, aren’t they going to eat? And it’s Parmesan, my favourite sort of cheese, why do they like it too? It’s not fair that we have too much in common. They are so thin and eat absolutely nothing, I want to be in that way too.”

Yeah, weighing 43 kilos, she always considered herself being fat because of her height which was 156 cm. she was obsessed with “being always a slim thing”, her the most awful fear was to put on weight again. Her family was preoccupied about her to gain anorexia problem though.

Imagine my condition when I started gaining weight back my emaciated flesh evaporated with each struck of clock. My five year attempts to keep myself fit by skipping the meals, doing exercises all the time, eating the right food, avoiding the junk. My petite figure made me the envy of my peers. They were bursting with it when they saw me in a new apparel which fitted me perfectly. And then I turned into an elephant wearing baggy strange clothing and looking as I were 30 not 20. I abhorred myself for my blunders committed. I was unable to see happiness in my life without feeling my lovely bones. As my usual morning routine used to be a staring at how thin my legs had been and how it was uncomfortable to lie on hip bones or how deeper I could penetrate my fingers into the gaps of a clavicle bone. I was obsessed with being thin. At least I felt attractive. Brooding over my past experiences with food, I had been always the prisoner of it since I was little girl. I consumed over my child’s needs flushing away my parents’ warnings, hence my grandparents were on my side, allowing me to gobble food whenever I wanted and whatever I wanted. I was not obese though but I was plump enough to get teasers from my peers. The situation changed when I decided that something had to be done with my continuous eating and I completely reconsidered my lifestyle. I started to get up earlier, do morning exercises, eat proper products which led to losing unnecessary baggage I was putting on me. So, in just two months I managed to transform myself into a girl from the first page of a magazine. Besides my drastic change in looks I also readjusted my attitude towards the majority things in my life. I improved my marks at school, I commenced reading books on daily basis and learnt how to manage my time in more efficient and effective way. This transformation brought a new Michaela girl who no one had known.

Getting back to the point, when the time was ripe to go to the stage, Michaela was very perplexed and confused, preoccupied that something could go wrong, and she would be in front of girls, but eventually everything ended up in a normal way. After that she even didn’t feel the pressure from girls, actually there hadn’t been any pressure before, it was only in her head. The rest of the evening ended up in a great and tranquil celebration.

You know, that the majority of our problems and dissatisfaction in life comes from troubled mind. We think too much about things which should be considered unimportant, we create problems from nothing and waste a big deal of time with it.

Till the summer everything seemed to be ok, Michaela enjoyed her lessons, even she had to collaborate most of the time with Capitolina, but she was flabbergasted about how well were their conversations and that they had so much in common, like two peas in a pod, however, her feeling about Capitolina’s hatred of her never left her. She still wanted her to be away from the group.

When at last summer came, she thought with relieve that the whole 3 months she wouldn’t see Capitolina Nowak anymore. Although it would be unfair not to mention one thing, sometimes during the summer Michaela watched the girl’s social account and always asked questions in a void, “Why do you hate me? What am I doing wrong? Yes I’m not like you and Marisa and I’ll never be, because I’m from another planet but it doesn’t mean you have to detest me in that way.”

Next thing for her was when she saw a photo of Nowak where she was showing her middle finger, it made Michaela thinking “How dares she to do such a thing, it’s so awful and where do her parents watch? But the most irritating was her pink hair. She started asking and asking questions. “How on earth she died her hair like that, how her parents allowed her to do it, she’s not old enough, she spoilt her hair, what a shame, that’s horrendous.’ Nevertheless she said that not because she really didn’t like it or was envious, but because of her supposition that Capitolina loathed her and she must say something like that. Very stupid of her. Actually it’s understandable when a girl had lived almost in total isolation, having only some close friends by her side, some rare rides for civilization , with crazy plans for life, craving everyday like a mad, wanting to get out from this country and afraid of expressing herself sometimes.

I would like to make a remark on this. I was a very judgmental child even though I didn’t notice it myself, even reckoning that it was wrong to judge others when in reality I did it every day. Why? Church taught me . I don’t want to be the object of consensual resentment from the religious part of our society, so I will explain. I was brought up in an orthodox family, where we went to church almost each Sunday, kept Lents and read prayers in the evenings. I believed that if you obeyed God’s law, it was the way for salvation but at the same time I was afraid of dying and getting old, any slight thought about this occurrence which dashed in my immature mind made me feel terrorized, completely paralyzed with numb fear. Although the Bible teaches to accept death as you are going to be with God after that, but apparently it didn’t bestowed me any consolation. The other reason for my concern was that I had no comprehension of the cause why Christianity went to a 3 branch decay. That split up made me curious more and more as we, believers should follow written words by Jesus, were also obliged to abide other human beings rules who were invested in the ecclesiastic robes, only because they had different opinions about how to conduct church services and interpreted the Bible in their particular way. Why, they were just people, like us, why should I adhere to their views? But nobody could give me explicit information of the origin and nature of it. In spite of my concerns I was to drop all my conjectures on the subject as it was considered to be a sin to brood over such things. Considered by who? I had no exact answer. That’s why Capitolina was an incarnation of evil in my books, she was not religious and always made pinch remarks about people who affiliated themselves with any kind of religious movement. Plus, her deeds were out of the place which the Bible and church would never admitted to be the right ones. Her behaviour was outrageous for me.