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She thought about the question. “I think so. There were guys I liked and dated. I actually went out a lot in high school. But I never really fell in love. I think a lot of it was the guys I dated knew my dad and were concerned about doing the wrong thing. I was always aware of being the preacher’s daughter, as well. So I would kind of hold back and I think the guys did, too. So I guess that makes Jimmy my first serious relationship.”
And she hadn’t even been in love with him, she thought sadly. What did that say about her decisionmaking skills?
“How did you and Jimmy meet?” Dev asked.
“He was visiting work for some reason. I was in the lunch room and he walked in. We just started talking.” She thought about that first day. Jimmy had been good-looking, funny and, in some ways, more grown-up than the guys she was used to. “He didn’t know anything about me, which I liked. He asked me out and I said yes.”
Dev nodded slowly. “Jimmy always was a charmer with the ladies.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You’re saying I was one of many.”
“As far as I know, you’re the only one he talked about marrying.”
She nodded, as if the statement had significance. She wanted to believe it was true but…“Dev, is it possible he just said that to get me to sleep with him?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been wondering. Jimmy was a great guy, but until he decided to go into the military, he seemed scattered. He had a million ideas about what he wanted to do, but none of them made sense. He wasn’t a doer, really.” She paused. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about him this way with you.”
“It’s fine. I’m aware of Jimmy’s faults.” He picked up a pen, then put it back on his desk. “You’re right. He was a dreamer.”
She noticed he didn’t answer her question—as to whether it was possible that Jimmy had just said he wanted to marry her to get her into bed. If he’d believed Jimmy really cared, he would have said so. Was he trying to protect his brother’s reputation or her?
Knowing Dev as she did, she thought it might be both. Maybe she should just go with that and not try to second guess the past. There was no way of knowing now.
“You never told me about the other women in your life, although changing the subject to Jimmy was a neat trick.”
“You like that? I could do it again.” He shifted in his seat. “What do you want to know? There’s nothing much to tell. I was a single guy who dated.”
“There’s more to it than that,” she said. “They were all beautiful.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I saw a couple myself and Katherine told me.”
He groaned. “Great. My own staff turns on me.”
“We consider your personal life a hobby. You should be flattered.”
“Amazingly, I’m not.” He looked at her. “What else did she say?”
Noelle pretended to study her nails. “Nothing really. But we found it fascinating that you always chose exotic beauties. No milkmaids for you.”
He laughed. “Milkmaids?”
“You know—traditional looking. Blond hair, blue eyes.”
“Like you.”
She shrugged. “I could fall into the milkmaid category.”
“So you’d believe me if I told you that I thought you were beautiful, but you’d draw the line at exotic?”
He thought she was beautiful? Noelle wanted to stand up and cheer. Except he hadn’t said that, exactly. There’d been an “if” in that sentence.
“I’m no one’s definition of exotic,” she said. “I can live with that. So about these women.”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re seriously interested in them. So why don’t you ask what you really want to know?”
Hmmm, there was a concept. She drew in a breath, squared her shoulders and blurted out, “What do you know that Jimmy didn’t? About sex, I mean.”
Dev had braced himself, but even so, the question caught him like a shot. He felt emotionally flung back in his seat and left for dead. Couldn’t she have just asked to buy new bedroom furniture?
He swore silently. This was not a conversation they should be having. He had an entire list of reasons as to why not. The most pressing was that he’d spent the last week doing his damnedest to avoid any remotely personal contact with Noelle. He’d been interested before, but kissing her had shown him there were plenty of possibilities and now they were driving him crazy.
He wanted her. He’d wanted other women before and kept trying to tell himself this was an itch that would fade with time. But whenever he got the need under control, he found himself catching sight of the curve of her cheek or the back of her thighs as she pranced around the house in shorts.
Worse, sometimes she got him by just talking. She would spout an opinion on some world event that surprised him, not only with her view, but with the facts she had to back it up. He’d caught her reading a science magazine two days after she’d admitting to having a weakness for celebrity gossip tabloids. How was he not supposed to adore that?
“You’re stalling,” she said.
“I’m considering my options.”
“Why is the question so difficult? It’s just information.”
He shook his head. “It’s more than that and you know it.” What to say? “What I know that Jimmy didn’t isn’t important. Just a few details.”
“Life is in the details,” she told him. “What are you afraid of?”
Going where he shouldn’t, he thought grimly. Wanting too much.
She glanced at the carpet, then back at him. “Dev, we’re married and we plan on staying married for the next two years. That’s kind of a long time. I know you had a…physical relationship with the other women in your life. It’s a natural part of life. While I appreciate your promise to be faithful for the time we’re married, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary suffering.”
She raised her head and gazed directly at him. “I like to think we’re becoming friends, which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that we’re married, but this is an odd situation. I don’t want you to break your promise to be faithful and I don’t want you to do without. I’m willing to be your wife in that way, too.”
He heard the words, but he couldn’t believe them. She was supposed to be the innocent in all this—how the hell had she figured it all out?
“A generous offer, but not one you need to make,” he said gruffly.
“Really?” She smiled. “So you’re just going to ignore that part of your life? It’s not like the need goes away. My parents have been married more than twenty years and they’re still hot for each other.” Her smile turned into a grin. “When I was a teenager, I was so uncomfortable, knowing they did that. I mean, they’re parents. But now I see their intimacy as a really good thing. It helps keep the relationship strong.”
He had no idea what to say to her.
Noelle pulled her knees to her chest. “I’ll admit my lone experience wasn’t anything I’d want to repeat, but you said it could be better and I trust you. So if you’re interested, I’m willing.”
There were two spots of color on her face, but oth erwise she seemed completely calm and in control. Amazing, he thought, still stunned at her courage and honesty.
“Unless you don’t want me,” she added, as she ducked her head.
Not want her? “Noelle, don’t go there,” he told her. “Wanting has nothing to do with it.”
“Then it’s because I’m pregnant. Does that gross you out?”
That made him smile. Nothing about her “grossed him out.” She only had to be breathing for him to want her. “You being pregnant isn’t an issue.” He felt uncomfortable and wasn’t sure why. A beautiful woman was offering herself to him. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?
It was, except he wasn’t sure it was right for her. She’d only been with one of guy and he’d been Dev’s brother. The situation was twisted in ways he couldn’t describe.
There was also his concern about what would happen after. If they did become lovers. The women he let into his life understood the rules—no permanent entanglements. Despite the two-year contract they had, he wasn’t sure Noelle could be his lover and walk away.
She stood. “I can see you’re not ready. That’s fine. I’ll wait. But the offer remains open.”
Then she walked out.
He was left with an aching need and no clue as to what to say. What the hell was wrong with this picture? What was he supposed to do now? Go after her? Pretend they’d never had this conversation? He’d been left hanging in the wind by a twenty-year-old innocent.
If this had happened to anyone else, he would think it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.
Chapter Eight
Dev found himself in the unusual position of being nervous about walking into his own house. Every since he and Noelle had had what he thought of as the “sex talk,” he’d half expected to find her waiting for him wearing a big, red bow and nothing else.
While nearly every part of his brain and body would kill for such a thing to happen, the lone sensible cells still functioning pointed out that there were massive problems to be had should he and Noelle become lovers.
She was pregnant by his brother. She had neither the temperament nor the experience of his usual temporary women and might not fully understand the rules. This was supposed to be a sensible arrangement in the best interests of Noelle and the baby. He was confident there was no way to justify an intimate relationship as beneficial to either.
That said, he couldn’t help wanting her. Worse, the longer he knew her and learned more about who she was, the more he wanted her. He’d had relationships that started out with great promise only to fade into nothing very quickly. With Noelle, it was the opposite. He hadn’t had any expectations about her when they’d first made their arrangement, but the more he was around her, the more he admired and respected her.
Nearly a week after their uncomfortable conversation, he walked into the kitchen, once again braced for overt seduction or more questions, only to find her dancing in front of the stove, while a country song played on the radio.
Last night she’d been swaying to classical, the night before she’d been bebopping to music from the 1940s. Noelle had many qualities, but she was never boring.
“Hi,” she called when she saw him, then reached for the remote to the Bose system and turned down the volume. “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes, if you want to go change.”
She smiled as she spoke, then crossed to where he stood, placed one hand on his shoulder and brushed her mouth against his.
The kiss was light, nearly impersonal and left him panting for more. Then she turned back to the stove.
“I’m making chicken Marsala. I found a bottle of Marsala in the pantry, which is good because I couldn’t buy it. This is my mom’s recipe and it’s fabulous, so I hope you’re hungry.”
He stood riveted to the floor. If he didn’t know better, he would swear he was being seduced by his own wife, who wasn’t even old enough to buy cooking wine.
“Starving,” he muttered, not quite meaning the food. “I’ll go get changed and be back in five minutes.”
“Good.” She beamed at him, then cranked up the volume on the radio and resumed her dancing in front of the stove.
An hour later, they’d finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen together. That was their new pattern. He wasn’t sure when he’d decided to pitch in, but now every night he cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher while she wiped off the counters and the stove.
“Do you have homework?” he asked when they were finished.
She shook her head. “I’m all done for the day. I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. What about you? Anything from the office?”
“No,” he said, then wished he hadn’t. Time suddenly seemed to hang heavily on their hands.
“Then I have something I’d like to discuss.”
As she spoke, she led the way to the family room. Dev thought briefly about ducking into his office, but he refused to be intimidated by the thought of a personal conversation. As long as the topic wasn’t sex, he would be fine.
Noelle plopped onto the sofa, her long bare legs stretching out in front of her as she rested her heels on the coffee table. She wore shorts and a tank top, which left far too much skin bare. Her hair was loose, her toes painted pink and her smile just welcoming enough to make his blood heat.
“I’ve been thinking about what we talked about before,” she said when he’d settled at the far end of the sofa.
He held in a groan.
“Is it Jimmy?” she asked. “Because I was with him?”
He had the realization that she was never going to let the topic go. Apparently the only way to stop talking about why they weren’t having sex was to just go ahead and have it. Under any other circumstances, he would have given in.
“Jimmy is a factor,” he admitted. “I still think of you as Jimmy’s girl.”
She nodded slowly. “I think if he hadn’t died, you would have been more comfortable letting that relationship go. As it is, I’m the last person you know who was close to him. If you change that by getting close to me yourself, you lose that connection.”
Her insights surprised him. “I hadn’t put the concept into words, but you’re right.”
“So if you were to get involved with me, you’d be hurting your brother,” she said.
He hesitated. He could sense danger down this conversational path, even though he couldn’t see it. “I wouldn’t say hurting,” he told her. “The situation raises some questions.”
“You know I’m not in love with him,” she said.
He swore silently. “Yes, I know. Neither of us know what would have happened if Jimmy hadn’t died.”
He knew he would have forced his kid brother to do the right thing and marry Noelle, but he had his doubts about how long the relationship would have lasted.
She sighed. “This must be so hard for you,” she said. “I only knew Jimmy a few months, but he’s been a part of your world for twenty years. You’re dealing with his loss and my pregnancy and me. I don’t mean to pressure you, Dev. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Considering the circumstances, I think we’re doing really well.”
“I do, too,” he said. “And you’re not making me uncomfortable.”
She smiled. “Good to know.” Her smile faded. “On the intimacy thing, I like you. I’ll admit to some curiosity. Your reputation precedes you, which is intriguing. Honestly, your idea of being faithful and celibate for the next two years is really noble, but not very practical. I hate the thought of you suffering because you feel it’s the right thing to do. I wouldn’t normally be pushing on something like this, but there is a time factor. I’ll be showing soon and I’m not sure we need my growing pregnancy as a complication.”
Honest to God, he didn’t know what to say. Even as a blush stole up Noelle’s cheeks, she kept her gaze fixed firmly on his face. She might be embarrassed, but she wasn’t backing down. How was that possible?
As for responding to her statement/offer—how? Of course he hated the idea of doing without for so long. Of course he was tempted by her words, her body and everything else about her. He had a feeling he could be beaten and left for dead on the side of the road and he would still want her.
But there were things too consider. Her innocence and the circumstances. Unfortunately, blood was heading south, leaving his brain in a deficient state, his cognitive abilities fading fast.
“I just…” He cleared his throat. “There are complications already,” he muttered as he rose. “You’re going to have to trust me on that. I, ah, I have some work I need to deal with.”
And with that pitiful excuse, he left the room.
