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“He was a good man.”
Just like Dev, she thought, knowing she didn’t ever have to worry about him walking out on her child. He was going to be there for both of them, no matter what.
When Dev had been twelve, he’d fallen out of a tree and had broken his arm so badly that part of the bone had stuck through the skin. There’d been enough blood to float a ship and, despite the pain, he hadn’t felt the least bit woozy. But when he and Noelle left the doctor’s office nearly forty minutes later, he had a bad feeling he was seconds from passing out.
They were both laden down with brochures, a couple of books, prescriptions for vitamins, reading lists and notes.
“I have a due date,” she said as she walked beside him down the hallway. “That’s good.”
“Yes, it is.”
“And she said everything is fine, so that makes me happy. It won’t be long until we can hear a heartbeat. That’s exciting.”
“Very.”
He concentrated on his breathing, knowing that passing out now wouldn’t help anyone.
“Of course there’s a lot to think about. I’m going to have to change my diet a little. And get more exercise. I mean I exercise a lot, but it’s casual—not organized. I hadn’t thought of prenatal yoga. I don’t think I’m that bendy, but I could try.”
“Trying would be good.”
There was only the main reception area of the women’s center, then they would be in the parking lot. Despite the summer heat, he couldn’t wait to get outside and away from all this.
“Dev?”
“Yes?”
“Are you as scared as I am?”
He glanced at Noelle and saw terror in her blue eyes. Her mouth trembled and she looked as ready to bolt as he felt.
He stopped and faced her. “Too much information?”
“Oh, yeah. And those diagrams. One of my friends talked about the birthing process as having too many fluids and I have to say, I agree with her.”
Some of his tension eased as he smiled. “You only have to do it,” he said. “I may have to watch.”
“Oh, sure. Because watching is so much worse than passing something the size of a bowling ball through something else the size of a pea.”
His smile turned into a grin. “I’m not ready for this, either. I knew you were pregnant, but until this appointment…” He wasn’t sure how to explain.
“The baby wasn’t real.”
“Right.”
She sighed. “For me, either. It was a concept. Kind of like knowing the holidays are coming, but avoiding malls and shopping. A baby. There’s going to be a real baby. I’m not ready for this. At least you’ve done it before.”
“I haven’t had a baby. Jimmy was six when my mother died and then my grandfather took over. I’m only responsible for the last ten years of life.”
Which had been, Dev acknowledged, a total disaster. If only he’d handled things differently, Jimmy wouldn’t be dead right now.
“So neither of us knows what we’re doing,” she said as she started walking toward the foyer. “I hope no one tells the baby.”
As they walked toward the exit, he spotted a large open kiosk filled with different brochures.
“Maybe they have some information over there,” he said, turning in that direction.
“Or classes,” Noelle said. “We could take a class. That would be great. I helped my mom with Tiffany a lot, but I don’t remember very much of it.”
They each started grabbing brochures. Noelle spotted a clipboard.
“Here’s a parenting seminar for kids of all ages. Oh, look. The baby one’s starting in a couple of weeks. We could take that.”
“Sign me up,” Dev said, wanting to take all of them right now. He could still hear Jimmy yelling at him that he wasn’t his father, and then running out of the house.
Dev had tried, but his best had fallen way short of his brother’s needs. Even after the fact, looking back, he couldn’t figure out where he’d gone so wrong. He was determined not to repeat those mistakes with Noelle’s baby, but if he didn’t know what they were, how could he avoid them?
They left the center and headed toward the parking lot. Ten feet from Dev’s car, Noelle came to a stop and looked at him.
“I can’t do this,” she said frantically. “I mean I really can’t. I’m not ready to have a baby. I’m too young and inexperienced. I’m panicking. You need to talk me down.”
“I’m older and I’m panicked, too, so get in line.”
“What? But you’re so together.”
“Not about this,” he told her.
They stared at each other. Between them, they probably had every brochure ever printed on the subject of child birth and child rearing. They each had a couple of books, along with lists of resources.
She drew in a deep breath. “Okay, so we should probably calm down. The baby won’t be here for seven more months. We’re smart and capable. We can prepare.”
Her words made sense. “Plus it won’t expect much when it’s born. Food, clean diapers, a place to sleep.”
“Exactly. So we’re fine.”
They dropped their bags, brochures and lists into the trunk then got into the car. Before he started the engine, he glanced at her.
“How many classes did you sign us up for?” he asked.
“I think three. Maybe four. They’ll call to confirm.”
“There were three baby classes?”
She cleared her throat. “Well, no. One of them was for toddlers, but I thought…”
The panic faded and when it did, reason returned. One corner of his mouth twitched and he imagined what they must have looked like, frantically grabbing every brochure and stuffing them into bags.
“Good thing they don’t charge for the literature,” he said, fighting laughter.
Her eyes brightened with humor. “That would be some bill. I’d have to go back to work.”
“Or we could sell some furniture.”
They were both smiling now. She started to chuckle.
“Okay, I’ll admit it—I totally lost it. But you did, too.”
He held up both hands. “I agree. I am not ready to be a father.”
“Same here. The idea of a child using the ‘m’ word gives me the willies.”
He stared into her beautiful face and touched her cheek. “You’ll be a great mom. You have all the qualities.”
“Thanks. I feel the same way about you being a dad.”
Before he could tell her he’d already failed at that, she added, “If I had to totally freak out over this, I’m glad it was with you.”
“Me, too.”
There was something about her smile and the way she gazed at him. Something that drew him closer until, without planning the move, he pressed his mouth against hers.
The kiss started out simply enough. Just lips touching. He continued to stroke her cheek, but that was okay because he meant it to be a friendly, comforting gesture. Nothing about the action was supposed to be sexual.
Then she shifted closer and tilted her head slightly. The invitation was clear and irresistible. Fire exploded inside him, fueled by a need that he could barely contain.
Before he could tell himself he shouldn’t, he touched his tongue to her lower lip. Even as she put her hands on his shoulders, she parted for him.
Despite his growing desire, he moved slowly, wanting to give her time to back away, or at least give him a good hard slap. He traced the inside of her lower lip, feeling her smooth skin and tasting her sweetness. When she didn’t pull back, he gently touched the tip of her tongue with his.
Delicious, exquisite torture, Noelle thought as Dev leisurely deepened their kiss. If she’d been a little more sure of herself, she would have taken things into her own hands, so to speak, but this was their first real kiss and as he’d been the one to initiate it, she figured he could set the pace.
In a way, moving so slowly was good. It gave her time to explore his shoulders and back, to feel the lean muscles there, and the heat of his body. She could breathe in the scent of him and imagine what it would be like if they kept on kissing.
At last he swept into her mouth and claimed her. She sighed in appreciation as he explored her mouth, leaving behind excited tingling everywhere he touched. One of his hands dropped to her shoulder, the other settled on her waist where the weight was oddly unsettling. She had the oddest urge to move closer and maybe nudge his hand higher. She was so shocked to realize that she wanted his hand on her bare breast that she pulled back.
They stared at each other. His dark eyes were bright with a light she hadn’t seen before. Passion, she wondered. Did he desire her?
What was up with her body? She’d kissed before—lots of times. But she couldn’t recalling feeling quite so…melty afterward. And the breast thing? Where had that come from? Jimmy had been the first. It hadn’t been that big a deal. She’d never imagined feeling his fingers on her bare skin.
Just the thought made her break out in goose bumps. As she rubbed her bare arms she realized that the light was fading in Dev’s eyes. It was replaced by something that looked like concern…or worse…second thoughts.
He was going to apologize, she thought desperately. No. She couldn’t stand that. The kiss had been too good.
“I’m starved,” she said with a bright smile. “It’s nearly noon. Do you have time to grab lunch before you head back to work?”
He blinked at the change of topic. For a second she thought he was going to push forward and insist on discussing the kiss, but then he smiled.
“Sure. What are you in the mood for?”
A week later, Noelle sat in Dev’s study and pretended to review her calculus homework. He’d brought home a few reports he’d needed to look at before morning, so she’d joined him on the pretext of finishing up her homework.
In truth, she’d already finished, but she’d wanted to hang out with him and couldn’t think of another excuse. Something had changed between them, at least for her, and she was still trying to figure out what it was.
She could pinpoint the exact date everything had shifted—it had been the afternoon of her first doctor’s appointment. Sometimes she thought it was because he’d kissed her in a way she’d never been kissed before. Not that the style was all that different—it was more her own reaction that was keeping her up nights. Other times she told herself that while the kiss was nice, it didn’t mean all that much. The real bonding had occurred over their shared revelation that they were really having a baby together. That this situation was about more than logistics and details—that there would be another life involved.
They’d laughed together, panicked together and had found comfort in sharing the experience.
Whatever the cause, Dev was no longer just Jimmy’s older brother, the man who was being kind to her in desperate circumstances. He was his own person. Someone she liked and respected. Someone who could make her toes curl with a smile.
She had several dilemmas, she thought as she glanced up at him from her corner of his leather sofa. Had anything changed for him? Did he see her as only a problem to be solved, or was she a real person? She thought he liked her well enough, but she wanted more than that. She wanted him to find her sexy and attractive and exciting.
She sighed. She could rate attractive easily enough on a good day, but sexy and exciting weren’t words usually used around her.
There was also the age difference. She knew he was aware of it. So did he find her too young? She thought she was doing a good job of holding her own with him, but that was just from her perspective. So what did he think?
Her mother had always told her it was much better to ask than wonder, that being straightforward was the best way to make a relationship work. The advice seemed sound, but the thought of putting it into practice terrified her. Wishing and dreaming were totally safe. Acting was something else entirely.
What if he completely rejected her? What if he thought she was stupid? What if he laughed at her?
Dev looked up and caught her staring at him. He raised his dark eyebrows. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“It’s something. You were scowling.”
She grinned. “I do not scowl. It’s not ladylike and I was brought up to be a lady.”
“Fine. You were pensive. Want to tell me why?”
She bit down on her lower lip and wondered if she had the courage to be honest. Or at least semihonest. “I was wondering about the other women in your life.”
The eyebrows went a little higher and he leaned back in his chair. “I take it the calculus homework isn’t challenging enough to keep your brain occupied.”
“Not tonight.”
“And the most interesting topic you could come up with was the women in my life?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You need to get out more.”
She laughed. “Come on, Dev. We’re married. You can tell me.”
“One might think telling one’s wife was exactly the wrong thing to do. Besides, there aren’t any other women. I told you I would be faithful.”
A fact she was appreciating more and more. “I didn’t mean now,” she told him. “I meant before. There was only one serious relationship in my life and you know all about him. I think it’s only fair to share information.”
“Of course you do.” He frowned. “I knew Jimmy was your first time, but do you also consider him your first serious relationship?”
