Tempted By Collection

Being with her last night had been... He sighed. There were no words to describe adequately the way he’d felt. And those moments afterwards, as they’d just lain in each other’s arms, had been perfect until she’d cried...

Tom shook his head angrily. She’d got under his skin. And there was a chance she thought he loved her!

He couldn’t let her believe that. He couldn’t!

He couldn’t let it be true.

Because if he let it be true, then he’d be going against his own vow. His promise to never love another because...

If I allow her in, if I let her get close and then I lose her, like I lost Meredith...

He rubbed at his eyes and sank back against the wall. He just couldn’t do it. He’d taken things too far. He should never have slept with Naomi. Everything was complicated. He still had to see her every day at work, but now everything would be different.

That was one of the things he’d been afraid of from the very beginning. He should have made sure they stayed just friends. He should have rescued her from ladders and drunks and left it at that.

But he hadn’t.

He’d got involved and, not only had he upset himself, but he’d also upset her. Had made Naomi feel things that she should have been protected from.

Tom sank down the wall until he was crouching and stared at the people that walked past, looking at him, concerned.

It had all gone so terribly wrong.

Naomi stood back as the paramedic wheeled in the young woman on the back board.

‘This is Alison, twenty-one years of age, and the victim of a car-versus-cyclist incident. She was cycling along the main road, when a car swerved and hit her from the side. The vehicle was travelling at about thirty-five miles an hour. She was wearing this.’ The paramedic showed them the cracked cycle helmet and Naomi winced at the damage, then her wince quickly turned to a frown as she noticed Tom enter Resus.

The paramedic continued, ‘Head to toe, we have a scalp laceration in the right occipital region, neck pain with a score of seven, a suspected fracture of the right humerus and clavicle, a suspected fracture of the right femur and general cuts and scrapes down the right side. BP is one twenty over seventy, pulse is one ten and she has a BM of four point two. Pain relief was offered, but refused.’

Tom pulled on gloves and tied an apron around his waist. Studiously, he seemed to ignore her. ‘Let’s get her off the back board, please.’

They all worked together to roll the patient, sliding her out from the back board. Then the paramedics left and the team could continue monitoring the patient.

Naomi leaned over her, so Alison could see a friendly face. She looked scared and her long blonde hair was slightly matted with blood. ‘Hi, Alison, I’m a nurse. I’m going to help look after you. Now you might hear a lot of noise, or feel some pushing or pulling, but we’ll talk you through it all, okay?’

‘Yes.’ Alison tried to nod, but winced.

‘Now, where do you hurt the most?’

‘My leg and my arm.’

The paramedics had put both of her limbs into splints and Naomi knew they’d have to wait for the X-rays before anything more could be done.

‘Can you tell me where you are?’

‘In hospital.’

‘And what day is it?’

She told her.

‘Okay. Are you allergic to anything, Alison?’

‘No.’

Naomi proceeded to test Alison’s blood pressure, whilst the rest of the team buzzed over her like bees, checking, testing, assessing. They got IV access and did a quick scan of her abdomen, whilst someone else checked her pupil dilation and tracking. Naomi couldn’t help but notice old track marks on Alison’s arms, indicating a history of drug abuse. But they were old, nothing recent. Perhaps that explained her reluctance to use the pain relief offered by the paramedics.

‘Am I going to die?’ Alison asked.

Naomi leant over her again. ‘No, you’re not going to die, Alison. It looks like you’ve maybe broken your arm and leg.’

Alison began to cry. ‘He hit me. I can’t believe he hit me!’

Naomi glanced at Tom, before she could stop herself. Here was a woman who had been hit by a car, who was clearly going to survive. Tom’s wife had not been so lucky. She wondered what it did do to him every time a patient like this came into Resus. The memories of what had happened to Meredith must hit him hard each and every time. Did he resent the fact they’d not been able to save her? Had he been angry?

Tom’s face was stony and impassive. It gave nothing away. ‘Let’s get her to CT.’

The computerised tomography suite would give them a much better view of what was going on inside Alison’s body without submitting her to a full MRI. It combined X-ray technology with a computer to create images of the structures within the body, not only including bone, but also organs and blood vessels.

Naomi went with them to the CT suite and stood to one side as the radiographers gave Alison her instructions to lie still.

She waited behind Tom, glancing at him, wondering what he was thinking behind his stony facade.

He glanced at her briefly, then turned back to look at the first pictures of the scan coming through on the computer screen.

He wasn’t willing to talk just yet.

Obviously what had happened between them had shocked him. It had shocked Naomi, too. She would never have thought she would have reacted that way. She had never felt that way with a man before. What she’d experienced with Tom, she had felt certain was love, but he seemed to be denying that that was possible. It seemed that he’d promised himself he would never fall in love again and he was standing by that promise.

And what about me? I said I’d never get involved with a man again. But I did and now look at what’s happened!

She had been weak to allow Tom in. She had been stupid, allowing a man to tangle up her emotions, after she’d sworn to always protect her heart. She should have known better.

Alison’s CT results came through clear. There was a small fracture of the humerus, near the shoulder, a stable fracture of the clavicle and a hairline fracture of the leg. No other internal injuries could be seen and, as her blood pressure was stable and her pulse steady, the neck brace was removed and she was allowed to sit up to have her scalp stitched. She didn’t need surgery. She’d been incredibly lucky.

Tom sat next to the patient, perched on a stool, with the suture kit ready in his hand. Naomi stood beside him, cleaning the wound and soon it was ready for him to stitch.

‘I’ve been so lucky, haven’t I?’ Alison asked.

Naomi nodded. ‘You have. Incredibly lucky.’

‘This could have been so much worse.’

She said nothing. This seemed a natural reaction for people in A&E who had had accidents. They played the ‘what if?’ question too readily.

‘The driver was hurt, too. Was he brought here? Is he all right?’

‘He was drunk,’ Tom said, starkly, his voice terse, his mood impenetrable. ‘But fine.’

Alison breathed out an audible sigh of relief. ‘Thank goodness.’

‘Thank goodness? He was drunk driving; he broke your arm and leg.’

Alison glanced over at Tom. ‘I can’t judge. I don’t know him. Perhaps he had a reason for being drunk at that time of the morning. Maybe he’d been trying to drown his sorrows, or he’d lost someone he loved. He might even have an addiction. So, I can’t judge him. Not me.’

Naomi finished clearing away the blood around the wound and stood there shocked at Alison’s kindness. She knew most people would blame the driver, would talk about suing him. But this patient wasn’t doing any of those things. She didn’t even seem angry. ‘You have a good way of looking at life, Alison.’

‘You have to think of it that way. You can’t be bitter about things that aren’t in your control.’

Naomi thought that perhaps Alison was right. Maybe what had happened between her and Tom had never been in their control. Meeting him that first time had certainly been a complete accident, when she’d fallen from that stupid ladder. And then her flat had been burgled... Living in an awful bedsit had been her only choice, because she’d wanted to live in London. That choice had led to this moment. But she’d had no control over these odd events.

She’d chosen to never get involved with another man again. But despite her choice, her determination, it seemed fate had intervened. And now...

‘Do you need me for anything else?’ she asked Tom. She was only referring to the patient’s care, but suddenly she was all too aware that it sounded like she was asking about life in general.

‘No. I’m fine here,’ he replied.

She nodded. Of course.

Tom finished the stitching swiftly and they covered the injury with a gauze pad. Naomi smiled at Alison.

‘Do you need me to call anyone for you?’

The patient shook her head. ‘There’s no one.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m all alone. But that’s okay. Because then, I only have to worry about me.’

Naomi frowned. She’d been so sure when she’d arrived in London that alone was the best way to live. It seemed she had been right all along. It was like Alison said. It gave you less to worry about. There was less to mess up and there was no chance of disappointing anyone.

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ she asked.

Alison nodded. ‘I’d love one.’

Naomi found Tom at the drink station in the staffroom, just as he scooped his tea bag out of his cup and dropped it into the bin.

‘Sorry to disturb you,’ she said. ‘I was just going to make Alison a cup of tea.’

He nodded and stepped aside to make room for her, ardently stirring his drink.

‘I’ll move out the second I get back this afternoon. You won’t have to see me.’

‘Naomi—’

‘No, Tom... I can see you’re uncomfortable and so am I. But don’t worry. I’m sorting it all out.’ She picked up Alison’s drink and left before he could say anything else.

There! she thought. Simple. Decisive. To the point.

If she’d kept her distance in the first place then it would never have been a problem. So, now if Tom didn’t want to be committed to her, then fine. She didn’t need him. She refused to want him.

There would be no more Tom.

There would be no more Naomi and Tom.

There would be no more of that heat and need and wanting and wishing and...

Naomi handed the drink to Alison, smiling grimly, lost in thought.

There would be no more feeling lost.

How had she misunderstood so badly? The way he’d touched her, kissed her, caressed her—it had been as if he’d been holding a rare treasure, as if he couldn’t believe he was allowed to touch something so valuable. At least that was what his eyes had said. It had been there in his face, in his body, too. Every part of him treating her like a precious jewel.

Maybe she had imagined it all.

Perhaps Tom had been right when he’d been talking about them making love. Perhaps it was just sex, nothing more. Perhaps what they’d done hadn’t been special. After all, she didn’t have another point of reference.

No. She shook her head. No, there was something else there.

No matter what had happened, however, it had definitely grown far too complicated. Tom had made it absolutely clear that he wasn’t in the market for a relationship and that he could never love another.

His relationship with Meredith must have been something truly special. She must have been an angel for him to fall so deeply in love that he couldn’t tolerate the idea of loving someone else.

Naomi wasn’t sure if she even knew what love was any more.

She’d been determined not to say anything more to him, and had decided to walk away with her head held high. But then she’d seen him, standing alone outside, taking a breather between patients, and before she had known what she was doing she had walked over to him. She was overcome with a desire to explain, to try and put into words what she’d felt when she’d sobbed with happiness in his arms.

He looked up, surprised, as she opened her mouth and the words poured out.

‘Last night, Tom...it meant something to me. It meant more than just two people coming together to rid themselves of their frustrations. It meant...more. I can only speak for myself, when I say this, but I’m angry at myself for letting it happen. Angry because it ruined the friendship that we had and turned it into something else. Something uncomfortable. Something painful. I know you regret it. But at the same time, for me, it was something joyous, something mind-blowing. It meant that my eyes were opened to a possibility that I could only have dreamed of... That moment brought me you. And believe you me, I didn’t plan this. Like you, I told myself I would never fall in love again. I told myself that real, burning, passionate love caused too much pain, too much suffering for it to ever be worth it. But with you, I trusted that it wouldn’t happen. That you wouldn’t hurt me—’

‘Naomi—’

‘But you have hurt me, Tom. In a way I hadn’t even known I should be protecting myself from. The way I felt in your arms was something I’d never experienced before and that was why I cried... It was overwhelming. Overwhelmingly beautiful.’

‘I—’

‘I need to step away from you. You said you can’t give me what I need and I understand that, I do. I never even knew that I needed it myself! But I think I do now. I want to be loved, Tom, and I don’t think that should be something to be feared. You’re not ready,’ she said, faltering, with tears flowing freely down her face. She didn’t care what she looked like any longer. ‘But I can’t hang around and keep torturing myself with the thought of what might have been every time I look at your face.’

She turned, desperately, and began to walk away, her head too full to think.

Tom called her name, but the pain in her chest hurt too much to turn around and listen to anything he might have to say.

What could he tell her that she didn’t already know?

He couldn’t love her the way she wanted him to.

So that had to be the end.

Last night, Tom...

It was hours after Naomi had left the hospital and still he couldn’t get her words out of his head. She was right. It had meant something. He hadn’t let himself acknowledge it at the time and had been too overwhelmed by her emotional outpouring but now, when he considered how she’d made him feel... He knew that it really had meant something.

Naomi was truly special. And therein lay the problem. Because Tom didn’t want her to mean something. He didn’t want to care deeply for her. He didn’t want to be falling in love. Love only hurt. He’d learnt the hard way that life got in the way and that terrible accidents happened. What if Naomi was taken from him just as Meredith had been? If he let himself care for Naomi, love Naomi, then he knew he wouldn’t cope with losing her. His fear of that would ruin everything. He’d been there already. He wouldn’t go through it again. Couldn’t go through it again.

He’d relied on his work since Meredith had died and that had seen him through. It was his way of continuing to connect with people. He could still help them, if only for a short time. A&E had been perfect because he was able to step in and make their lives better, and then his patients could be on their way. No one had to develop feelings and no one would get hurt. Tom had thought that he would be able to live the rest of his life at an emotional distance from everybody.

It was all a form of self-preservation. Surely everyone was guilty of it in one way or another. Was it so bad of him to put up walls in this way? He was protecting himself. He was protecting Naomi. But of course, he knew, she couldn’t see that, that he was doing this for them both.

Tom didn’t know what to think, except that he needed this whole situation to change. He needed...damn it! He needed Naomi!

He would give anything to call her back, and take her in his arms. He wanted to talk to her, about something, anything. He wanted to just be with her.

But he couldn’t be with her. He wouldn’t allow himself to do so. What had happened was for the best. Yes, it still hurt, but surely it was best to make that clean break now, before the hurt turned to agony.

He headed back into the department. It was technically the end of his shift, but he didn’t care. He needed to work. He couldn’t face the thought of going back to the flat, and seeing her emptying it of her things. If he worked, he wouldn’t think about her. Or, at least, he’d try not to.

The rest of the staff were thrilled to see him return. They were overrun with patients and, for a brief hour or two, he managed to forget about her completely. He didn’t have time to think about what had happened that morning, or what she’d said. In those few precious hours, he didn’t have to think about that look on her face when she’d run from him.

But then, when he was told to take a break, the thoughts came clamouring in. He pushed them to one side, telling himself over and over again that he was doing the right thing. He figured that if he told himself enough times, he might even start believing it was true.

Naomi packed up the last of her things. Most of her possessions were now in boxes, or the suitcase she’d taken from her old flat, but she’d just needed to return to Tom’s flat to collect her toothbrush and make-up from the bathroom.

Moving here in the first place now seemed like such a mistake. She’d been sucked in by how beautiful it all was. After her experience with the bedsit, she’d been happy to escape to such luxury. And, of course, then there’d been Tom, who had been the most wonderful feature of the flat.

But this had never been meant for her. She’d come out of a lonely childhood, into a lonely, strangely solitary marriage where it had seemed she had spent the entire time waiting. She had always been waiting for something bad to happen, another bone to grow, another injury to occur, as Vincent had steadily grown worse. She remembered the big grandfather clock in the hallway of their home and suddenly its loud ticking had never meant so much. She’d been stuck on pause. Trapped in a place from which she’d had no escape, and so she had waited, patiently, for the end.

Vincent’s condition had called all the shots in their marriage. It had governed everything and at the time, she hadn’t minded. She’d enjoyed looking after him, had enjoyed that they were so close and had accepted everyone’s praise of her, the way they’d said she was being so brave. At least, she’d escaped her childhood, always determined not to be like her mother, flitting from one relationship to another, always searching, always falling for the prettiest face and getting hurt.

She knew she’d chosen Vincent because he had been safe. She could admit that to herself now. He had been dedicated to her. Dedicated to their relationship.

He’d needed her.

And she’d revelled in that role as the dutiful wife, for their time together, playing it safe right to the end.

Then she’d made her big move to the capital. Finally she had been able to stand on her own two feet, throw caution to the wind and enjoy life. She had told herself that she would push her nursing skills to the limits, make new friends and live a whole new life. Naomi had been determined to move onwards and upwards, enjoying her freedom, just as she’d promised Vincent before he’d died that she would.

But she’d met Tom and had fallen for him. She’d been enticed by his good looks, given herself to him, and just like her mother she’d ended up alone and hurting.

But today I start again.

Naomi rallied herself. She would call the last few weeks a false start. They were just a minor blip in her plan. This time, she would stubbornly remain single, at least for a while.

As she gathered up her things Tom’s toothbrush suddenly seemed lonely in its pot, now that she had removed her own, and she gazed at it wistfully. They had been so good in their brief time together. But now she had to put Tom from her mind.

Naomi zipped up her toiletries bag and left.

An hour or so later she looked around her new flat, trying to find some kind of optimism. Luxury and opulence were not part of her normal world. She had been spoilt for a little while. So she figured that, whilst the flat wasn’t ideal now, it would get better. With time, with some hard work and an awful lot of deep cleaning, she would make it homely. She would paint the walls cream all over and get some fresh flowers to brighten up the rooms. If she got rid of that drab carpet, she could maybe hire a floor buffer and polish the wood underneath.

Naomi knew it could be beautiful. It just needed someone with a good eye for interior design and a bit of imagination. If she applied the same reasoning to her personal life, surely she could make that better, too. All she needed was some time, some space, and then maybe her heart might be ready for love. Naomi at least knew she wanted that now. Despite everything, Tom had still made her realise that she was worth being loved.

Her heart ached as she tried to push away the thought that the person loving her wouldn’t be Tom. She had hoped that it would be. But he clearly wasn’t ready. Whatever was going on in his head was preventing him from being with her. She had to put Tom and their brief relationship into a closed box. It had been wonderful whilst it had lasted. But she had to accept that their time together in the sun was over now.

At the hospital, Naomi had initially arranged to work opposite shifts to Tom. She had checked his schedule and if he was on days, she would agree to do nights. If he was on lates, she would do the early hours. But still, there were always those moments of handover, the occasional meeting in the locker room where he would look at her with sad eyes and seem to be on the verge of saying something. Except he always remained silent. She wasn’t sure what to do. She didn’t want to change jobs. She loved working in Welbeck’s A&E, especially with all the staff, who had become good friends. But when the matron had mentioned there was an opportunity for one member of the staff to go out on a secondment with the paramedics, Naomi had leapt at the chance.

It was perfect. She’d be out of the department except for the times when they would have to bring in a patient. It would be good for her to get a new perspective on what it was like to be out on the road and on the front line.

She hadn’t been in an ambulance since her days of training, when she’d spent a day as an observer. Back then, she’d felt useless and unsure. She’d stood back from the action in her neon-yellow jacket, carrying bags for the paramedics, or fetching and carrying whatever was needed from the truck.

This time, as she clambered on board with the two paramedics, Julia and Luke, she felt sure she would be better.

Stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, Tom saw Naomi clamber on board the ambulance. He paused, unable to tear his eyes away, then he promptly turned around and walked back inside, angry with himself.

His flat was so empty without her! Two weeks she’d been gone and he hadn’t realised just how large it was until she’d left and he had been left alone again. He didn’t know how he had managed living alone before. Because now when he came home from work, the silence was deafening. The space was endless.