Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

"Why not?" replied Mangogul.

"Truly," says Mirzoza, "if our Toys could explain all our whims, they would be more knowing than ourselves."

"Pray, who disputes that with you?" replied the Sultan. "For my part I believe that the Toy makes a woman do a hundred things, without her perceiving it: and I have remark'd on more occasions than one, that a woman, who thought she was following her head, was obeying her Toy. A great philosopher placed the soul, I mean ours, in the pineal gland. If I allowed women to have one, I well know where I would place it."

"I excuse you from informing me," rejoin'd Mirzoza hastily. "But you will permit me at least," said Mangogul, "to communicate some notions to you, which my ring has suggested to me concerning women, upon a supposition that they have a soul. The experiments, which I have made with my ring, have made me a great moralist. I have neither the wit of La Bruyere, nor the logic of Port Royal, nor the imagination of Montaigne, nor the wisdom of Charron: but I have collected facts, to which perhaps they were strangers."

"Speak, prince," answered Mirzoza ironically, "I will hear you with all my ears. Moral essays of a Sultan of your age must be something curious."

"The system of Orcotomus is extravagant, with the leave of his fellow academician Hiragu: yet I find some sense in the answers which he gave to the objections started against it. If I allowed a soul to women, I would willingly suppose with him, that Toys have spoken from the beginning, but softly: and that the effect of the Genius Cucufa's ring is reduced to raising their voice. Upon this foundation nothing can be more easy than to define the whole sex.

"The sober woman, for example, would be she whose Toy is silent, or is not attended to.

"The prude, she who pretends not to listen to her Toy.

"The intriguing woman, she whose Toy desires a great deal, and who allows it too much.

"The voluptuous, she who gives ear to her Toy with complaisance.

"The courtezan, she on whom her Toy is making demands every moment, and who refuses it nothing.

"The coquette, she whose Toy is mute, or is not attended to; but who gives hopes to all the men that come near her, that her Toy will speak one day or other, and it may happen that she will not lend it a deaf ear.

"Well, delight of my soul, what do you think of my definitions?" "I think," said the favorite, "that your highness has forgot the tender woman."

"If I have not mentioned her," answered the Sultan, "'tis because I don't know what the term means; and that some able men pretend, that the word tender, abstracting from all connection with the Toy, is void of sense."

"How, void of sense," cried Mirzoza. "What! there is no medium then; and a woman must absolutely be a prude, an intriguer, a coquette, a voluptuous woman, or a libertin."

"Delight of my soul," said the Sultan, "I am willing to own the inaccuracy of my enumeration, and will add the tender woman to the preceding characters; but on condition that you will furnish me with a definition of her, which will not coincide with any of mine."

"Most willingly," said Mirzoza. "I hope to compass it without quitting your system."

"Let us see," added Mangogul.

"Well then," replied the favorite – "a tender woman is she – "

"Courage, Mirzoza," said Mangogul.

"Oh! I beg you won't disturb me. The tender woman is she – who has loved without a word utter'd by her Toy, or – whose Toy has never spoke, but in favor of the single man whom she loved."

It would not have been polite in the Sultan to chicane the favorite, and ask her what she understood by love: wherefore he avoided it. Mirzoza took his silence for consent, and proceeded, proud of having extricated herself from a difficulty, which to her appeared considerable. "Ye men believe, because we do not argue in form, that we do not reason. Know once for all, that we could as easily discover the falsity of your paradoxes, as ye that of our reasonings, if we would give ourselves the trouble. If your highness was less in a hurry to satisfy your curiosity on the subject of lap-dogs, I would in my turn give you a scrap of my philosophy. But it shall not be lost: I will reserve it for one of those days, that you will have more time to bestow on me."

Mangogul assured her that he had no better business, than to profit of her philosophical notions; that the metaphysics of a Sultana of twenty two, ought not to be less singular than the morals of a Sultan of his age.

But Mirzoza apprehending that this was pure complaisance in Mangogul, begg'd some time to prepare, and thus gave the Sultan a pretext for flying whither his impatience might call him.

CHAP. XXIII.

Tenth trial of the Ring.

The Dogs

Mangogul went immediately to Haria's house; and as he took pleasure in soliloquy, he said within himself: "This woman never goes to bed without her four dogs, and either Toys know nothing of those animals, or her's will give me some account of them; for, thank God, 'tis well known that she loves her dogs to admiration." At the end of this monology he found himself in Haria's anti-chamber, and his olfactory organ already informed him of madam having her usual company in bed with her. These were a little shag-dog, a spaniel, and two pug-dogs. The Sultan drew out his snuff-box, took two pinches of Spanish by way of preservative, and approached Haria. She was asleep, but the pack, who were upon the watch, hearing some noise, fell to barking, and woke her. "Peace, my children," said she, but in so mild a tone, that she could not be suspected of speaking to her daughters, "go to sleep, go to sleep, and don't disturb my rest nor your own."

Haria was formerly young and pretty. She had had lovers of her own rank, but they all disappear'd even sooner than her charms. By way of comforting herself for this desertion, she gave into a whimsical sort of pomp, and her footmen were the handsomest fellows in Banza. She grew older and older, and years threw her into oeconomy: she restrained herself to four dogs and two Bramins, and became a model of edification. And surely the most envenom'd satyr could find no room to carp at this management; and for above ten years Haria was in peaceful possession of a high reputation of virtue, and of those animals. Nay, her tenderness for the pug-dogs was so well known, that the Bramins were no longer suspected of sharing it.

Haria renewed her intreaty to those beasts, and they had the complaisance to obey. Then Mangogul applied his ring, and the superannuated Toy set about relating the last of its adventures. It was such a vast while since the first were atchieved, that it had almost lost the very remembrance of them. "Withdraw, Pompey," it said with a hoarse voice, "you fatigue me. I like Dido better; I find her more gentle." Pompey, who was absolutely ignorant of the Toy's voice, went on in his own way: but Haria awaking, continued. "Get away, then, you little rogue, you hinder me from taking rest. That is well some times: but too much is too much." Pompey withdrew. Dido took his place, and Haria fell asleep.

Mangogul, who had suspended the energy of his ring, turn'd it on, and the antiquated Toy, uttering a deep, sigh, fell to jabbering, and said: "Alas! how I am grieved for the death of my large grey-hound; she was the best little wife, the most caressing creature: she never ceased giving amusement. She was so sensible, so genteel. Ye are but beasts in comparison of her. That naughty master of mine killed her. – Poor Zinzolina, I never think of her, without watering my plants. I thought it would have been the death of my mistress. She neither eat nor drank for two days, and narrowly escaped losing her senses. Judge of her sorrow: her director, her friends, nay her very pug-dogs were kept from me. Orders were issued to her women to refuse the door of her appartment to my master, under the penalty of being turn'd off. – 'That monster has robb'd me of my dear Zinzolina,' cried she; 'let him not appear before me, I am resolved never to see him more.'"

Mangogul, curious of learning the circumstances of Zinzolina's death, revived the electrical power of his ring by rubbing it on the skirt of his doublet, pointed it at Haria, and the Toy resumed: "Haria, Ramadec's widow, coiffed herself with Sindor. This youth was of good birth, had no other fortune, but a certain merit which pleases the sex, and was, after dogs, Haria's predominant taste. Sindor's indigence conquered his repugnance to Haria's years and dogs. Twenty thousand crowns a year blinded his eyes with regard to the wrinkles of his mistress, and the inconveniency of the pug-dogs; and he married her.

"He was in hopes of getting the better of our beasts by his talents, and complaisant behavior; and to bring them into disgrace from the very commencement of his reign; but he was deceived. After the expiration of some months, when he thought he had merited much by his services; he took into his head to remonstrate to madam, that her dogs were not as good company in bed for him as for her; that it was ridiculous to have more than three; and that to admit more than one at a time, was turning the nuptial bed into a kennel.

"'I advise you,' said Haria, in a furious tone, 'to attack me with such speeches. Truly it well becomes a pitiful younger son from Gascony, whom I have taken from a garret, which was not good enough for my dogs, to give himself airs of nicety! To be sure, your sheets were perfumed, my little squire, when you dwelt in furnish'd lodgings. Know this once for all, that my dogs were long before you in possession of my bed, and that you may choose either to quit it, or be content to share it with them.'

"The declaration was peremptory, and our dogs remain'd masters of their post. But one night, as we were all asleep, Sindor, in turning unluckily kick'd Zinzolina. The hound, not used to such treatment, bit the calf of his leg; and madam was immediately awaked by Sindor's cries. 'What is the matter with you, Sir, one would think your throat was cutting: you dream.' 'It is your dogs, madam, that devour me, and your grey-hound has just torn off a piece of my leg.' 'Is that all?' says Haria, turning from him. 'You make a vast noise for nothing.'

"Sindor, piqued at this discourse, jump'd out of bed, swearing that he would never set his foot in it again, till the pack was banish'd thence. He employ'd friends, in order to obtain the exile of the dogs: but they all failed in that important negotiation. Haria's answer to them was, that Sindor was a knight of the post, whom she had drawn out of a cock-loft, which he shared with rats and mice; that it ill became him to be so nice; that he slept the whole night long; that she loved her dogs; that they amused her; that from her infancy she had taken a liking to their caresses; and that she was resolved never to deprive herself of them till death. 'Tell him besides,' continued she, addressing the mediators, 'that if he does not humbly submit to my will, he will repent it while he lives; that I will retract the donation I have made him, and will add it to the sums which I have bequeathed by my will, for the support of my dear children.'

"Between you and me," added the Toy, "Sindor must have been a great fool, to hope that she would do for him, what could not be obtained by twenty lovers, a director, a confessor, with a legion of Bramins, who had all lost their Latin on that head. Mean while, as often as Sindor met our animals, he was seized with such fits of passion, as he could hardly conquer. One day the unfortunate Zinzolina fell in his way. He took her by the neck, and threw her out of the window. The poor creature was kill'd by the fall. Then it was, that a fine noise was made. Haria, with inflamed countenance, and eyes bathed in tears – "

The Toy was going to repeat what it had already told; for Toys willingly fall into repetitions: but Mangogul cut its words short. Its silence was not of long duration: when the prince thought he had put this doting Toy out of its road, he restored it the freedom of speech; and the Tatler, bursting out into a loud laugh, resumed by way of recollection: "But à propos, I forgot to tell you what pass'd on Haria's wedding-night. I have seen a power of ridiculous things in my life, but never one that came up to this. After a splendid supper, the bride and bridegroom were conduced to their appartment. Every body retired except madam's women who undress her: she is undress'd, put to bed, and Sindor alone remains with her. Observing that the shag-dog, the two pugs, and the grey-hound, more alert than himself, were taking possession of his bride; 'permit me, madam,' he said, 'to remove these rivals a little.' 'My dear, do what you can,' answered Haria: 'for my part, I have not the courage to drive them away; these little animals are so attached to me; and I have been so long without any other company.' 'Perhaps,' replied Sindor, 'they will have the politeness this night to surrender the fort to me, which I must take possession of.' 'Try, sir,' said Haria.

"At first Sindor tried gentle means, and pray'd Zinzolina to retire to a corner. But the untractable animal fell to growling: the allarm spread among the rest of the troop; and the pug-dogs and shag-dog bark'd as if their mistress's throat was cutting. Sindor, losing all patience at this noise, tosses away one of the pugs, drives off the other, and seizes Pompey by the paw. Pompey, the faithful Pompey, abandoned by his allies, endeavour'd to repair this loss by the advantages of the post. Fix'd on his mistress's thighs, with eyes inflamed, hair standing an end, and open mouth, he grin'd, and shew'd the enemy two rows of very sharp teeth. Sindor made several assaults on him, and Pompey repell'd him as often, with bitten fingers and torn ruffles. The action lasted above a quarter of an hour with an obstinacy which gave diversion to none but Haria; when Sindor had recourse to a stratagem against an enemy, whom he despaired conquering by force. He provoked Pompey with the right hand. Pompey watching this motion, did not observe that of the left, and was seized by the neck. He made most vigorous efforts to disengage himself, but in vain. He was obliged to quit the field of battle, and surrender up Haria. Sindor took possession of her, but not without effusion of blood: in all likelihood Haria had resolved that her wedding-night should be a bloody one: her animals made a good defence, and disappointed not her expectations."

"There," says Mangogul, "is a Toy, that could write a Gazette better than my secretary." And now well knowing what notions to form of lap dogs, he return'd to the favorite.

"Prepare yourself," said he, as soon as he saw her, "to hear the most extravagant things in the world. 'Tis much worse than the baboons of Palabria. Could you believe, that Haria's four dogs were the rivals, and the preferred rivals of her husband; and that the death of a greyhound has raised a quarrel between that couple, never to be made up."

"What do you say," replied the favorite, "of rivals and dogs. I am quite in the dark. I know that Haria loves her dogs excessively; but I know at the same time that Sindor is a hot-temper'd man, who perhaps did not use all that complaisance, which women require, to whom a man owes his fortune. But yet, whatever has been his conduct, I cannot conceive that it has drawn rivals on him. Haria is so venerable, that I could wish your highness would vouchsafe to explain yourself more intelligibly."

"Listen," says Mangogul, "and agree that women have excessively whimsical tastes, to say nothing worse;" then he related Haria's history to her word for word, as the Toy had told it. Mirzoza could not refrain from laughter at the first night's battle: but presently resuming a serious air: "I can't tell," said she to Mangogul, "what indignation seizes me. I shall have an aversion for these animals and all those who keep any, and I shall declare to my women that I will turn off the first, who shall be even suspected of having a lap-dog."

"Pray," replied the Sultan, "why will you extend your hatred so far? You women are always upon extremes. These animals are good for hunting, are necessary in the country, and have many other uses, without reckoning that which Haria makes of them."

"In truth," said Mirzoza, "I begin to believe that your highness will find it a difficult task to light on a virtuous woman."

"I told you so," answered Mangogul; "but let us not be over hasty: you may one time or other upbraid me with being indebted to your want of patience for a declaration, which I pretend to owe entirely to the trials of my ring. I have some in my mind, which will astonish you. All secrets are not yet unveiled; and I expect to draw more important discoveries from those Toys, which remain to be consulted."

Mirzoza was in perpetual apprehensions for her own. Mangogul's discourse threw her into such uneasiness, as she was not able to conceal from him: but the Sultan, who had bound himself by an oath, and in his heart had a regard for religion, used his best endeavours to calm her mind, gave her some very tender kisses, and went to his council, whither affairs of moment called him.

CHAP. XXIV.

Eleventh trial of the Ring.

The Pensions

Congo had been disturbed by bloody wars in the reigns of Kanaglou and Erguebzed; and those two monarchs had immortalized themselves by the conquests they had made over their neighbours. The emperors of Abex and Angola look'd on the youth of Mangogul and the beginning of his reign, as favourable conjunctures to recover the provinces that had been taken from them. Wherefore they declared war against Congo, and attacked it on every side. Mangogul had the best council in all Africa: and old Sambuco and the Emir Mirzala, who were train'd up in the former wars, were placed at the head of the troops, gain'd victories on victories, and formed generals capable of succeeding them; an advantage of greater importance than even their successes.

Thanks to the activity of the council, and the good conduct of the generals, the enemy, who thought themselves sure of overcoming the empire, did not advance as far as the frontiers, made a poor defence of their own, and saw their fortified towns and provinces ravaged. But, such constant and glorious successes notwithstanding, Congo grew weaker by aggrandizing itself: the frequent raising of troops unpeopled the towns and country: and the treasury was exhausted.

The sieges and battles had cost a vast number of lives: the grand Visir, very lavish of the blood of the soldiery, was accused of having hazarded battles that tended to nothing. Every family was in mourning: not one, but wept a father, a brother, or a friend. The number of officers slain was prodigious; and could be compared to naught but their wives, who sollicited pensions. The closets of the ministers were beset with them. They pestered the Sultan himself with petitions, in which the merit and services of the deceased, the grief of their widows, the dismal condition of their children, and other moving motives were not forgotten. Nothing seemed more equitable than their requests: but on what fund to ground pensions which amounted to millions?

The ministers, after having exhausted speeches, and sometimes peevishness and rough language, were obliged to deliberate on the means of bringing this affair to a final issue: but they had an excellent reason for concluding nothing: there was not a penny left.

Mangogul, tired with the false reasonings of his ministers and the lamentations of the widows, hit upon the expedient, which his ministry had been so long hunting after. "Gentlemen," said he to his council, "I am of opinion that, before any pensions are granted, it would be proper to examine if they are lawfully due." "This examination," answered the great Seneschal, "will be immense, and of prodigious discussion. Yet how to resist the clamors and persecution of these women, by whom you, sir, are particularly teazed?" "It will not be as difficult a talk as you imagine, Mr. Seneschal," replied the Sultan; "and I promise you that by to morrow noon the whole affair shall be terminated, by the laws of the strictest equity. Do you only bring them to my audience chamber by nine in the morning."

The council broke up, the Seneschal went into his office, pondered profoundly, and drew up the following proclamation; which in three hours time was printed, published by sound of trumpet, and fixed up at all the most public places of Banza.

By the Sultan's most excellent majesty, and my lord the grand Seneschal,

We Gander-beak, grand Seneschal of Congo, visir of the first bench, train-bearer to the great Manimonbanda, chief and super-intendant of the sweepers of the divan, give notice, that to-morrow morning at nine of the clock, the magnanimous Sultan will give audience to the widows of the officers slain in his service, in order to decree, on sight of their pretensions, what to him shall seem meet. Given at our office the twelfth of the moon of Regeb, in the year 147200000009.

All the distressed women of Congo, and a great number of them there was, did not fail to read the proclamation, or to send their footmen to read it; and less still to be at the appointed hour, in the lobby of the audience chamber. "In order to avoid a crowd, let no more enter," said the Sultan, "than six of these ladies at once. When we have heard them, let them pass thro' the back door, which leads to the outward courts. You, gentlemen, be attentive, and pronounce on their demands."

This said, he made a signal to the first gentleman usher of the audiences; and the six, who happen'd to be next the door, were introduced. They entered in long mourning robes, and made low reverences to his highness. Mangogul addressed the youngest and handsomest of them, whose name was Ifec. "Madam," said he, "how long is it since you have lost your husband?" "Three months," answered Ifec weeping. "He was lieutenant general in your highness's service. He was kill'd in the last battle, and six children are the only legacy he left me" – "He left you?" interrupted a voice, which, tho' issuing from Ifec, was not exactly in the same tone with her's. "Madam knows better than she says. They were all begun and finished by a young Bramin, who daily came to comfort her, while my master was in the field."

'Tis easy to guess, whence proceeded the indiscreet voice, which pronounced this answer. Poor Ifec, being put out of countenance, grew pale, trembled, fainted. "Madam is subject to the vapors," said Mangogul with an air of tranquillity: "let her be carried into an appartment of the Seraglio, and be taken care of." Then immediately addressing Phenice: "Madam," said he, "was not your husband a Pacha?" "Yes, sir," answered Phenice in a trembling voice. "And how have you lost him?" "Sir, he died in his bed, quite exhausted with the fatigues of the last campaign" – "With the fatigues of the last campaign," replied Phenice's Toy. "Go, madam, your husband brought a firm and vigorous state of health from the camp; and he would still enjoy it, had not two or three scoundrel players, – you understand me, take care of yourself." "Write," says the Sultan, "that Phenice demands a pension, for the good services, which she has rendered to the state and her husband."

A third was interrogated on her husband's age and name, who was said to have died in the army of the small-pox. "Of the small pox," said the Toy, "a fine story indeed: say, madam, of two good strokes of a scymeter which he received from the Sangiac Cavaglio, because he took it ill, that his eldest son was said to be as like the Sangiac, as one egg is to another: and madam knows as well as I," added the Toy, "that a likeness was never better grounded."

The fourth was going to speak without being interrogated by Mangogul, when her Toy was heard to cry out from the lower regions, that these ten years part, which the war had lasted, she had made pretty good use of her time; that two pages and a huge scoundrel of a footman had supplied her husband's place; and that without doubt she designed the pension, which she was solliciting, for keeping an actor of the comic opera.

A fifth stept forward with intrepidity, and with an air of confidence demanded the reward of her late husband's services, who was an aga of the Janissaries, and lost his life under the walls of Matatras. The Sultan turn'd his ring on her, but to no purpose. Her Toy was mute. "I must own," says the African author, who had seen her, "that she was so ugly, that the by-standers would be astonished, if her Toy had any thing to say."