Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

Zelida laugh'd till she panted for breath. The Toyman thought within himself that she had the vapors, or was out of her senses, and had patience. At length Zelida ceased. – "Well," said she, "the business relates to our Toys, our own Toys, do you understand me, Mr. Frenicol? To be sure you cannot be ignorant, that for some time past several Toys have prattled like magpyes: now we would be very glad that ours would not follow this bad example." "Ah! now I take it, that is to say," replied Frenicol, "that you want a muzzle each." – "Very right, you have hit it off truly. I have been told that Mr. Frenicol was no fool." "Madam, your goodness is very great. As to what you require, I have of all sorts, I go this moment to bring you some."

Frenicol went accordingly: in the mean while Zelida embraced her friend, and thank'd her for her expedient: and I, says the African author, went to take a nap, waiting his return.

CHAP. XVIII.

The Toyman's return

The Toyman returned, and presented the ladies with two muzzles of the best sort. – "Ah! mercy!" cried Zelida. "What enormous muzzles are these! And who are the unhappy women, whom these will fit? This is an ell long. Indeed, friend, you must certainly have taken measure by the Sultan's mare." – "Yes," said Sophia indolently, after having measured them with her fingers, "you are in the right; and there is but the Sultan's mare and old Rimosa, for whom these can do." – "I protest, ladies, that they are of the common size; and that Zelmaida, Zyrphila, Amiana, and a hundred other ladies, have of the same sort." "That is impossible," said Zelida. – "'Tis actually so however," replied Frenicol: "but they all said the same thing as ye have: and as they have, so may you undeceive yourselves by trying them on." "Mr. Frenicol may say what he will; but he shall never perswade me that this will fit me," said Zelida, "nor this me," said Sophia. "Let him shew us others, if he has any."

Frenicol, who had often experienced that women are not to be converted on that article, shew'd them muzzles for the age of thirteen. "Well," cried both at the same time, "these are such as we want." "I wish they may prove so," whisper'd Frenicol aside. "How do you sell them?" said Zelida. "But ten ducats a piece, madam." – "Ten ducats, you forget yourself, Frenicol." – "Madam, that is the price in conscience." – "You make us pay for the novelty." – "I protest, ladies, 'tis but two sixpences for a shilling." "I must own they are neatly made, but ten ducats are a great deal of money." – "I'll abate nothing." – "We will go to Eolipila's." – "You may, ladies: but there are workmen and workmen, muzzles and muzzles." Frenicol held firm, and Zelida came to. She paid for the two muzzles, and the Toyman went back, fully perswaded that they would be too little for them, and would soon be returned on his hands for a fourth part of the price he received for them. He was mistaken. Mangogul not happening to come within reach of turning his ring on those two women, their Toys were not seized with the humor of talking louder than ordinary; and happily for them: for Zelida having tried her muzzle, found it too little by one half. However, she did not part with it, fancying that it would be pretty near as inconvenient to change it, as not to make use of it at all.

These circumstances came to light from one of her women, who told them in confidence to her lover, who related them in confidence to others, who spread them all over Banza under the seal of secresy. Nor was Frenicol silent: the adventure of the devouts became public, and for sometime afforded employment to the calumniators of Congo.

Zelida became inconsolable upon it. This woman, more to be pitied than blamed, conceived an aversion for her Bramin, quitted her husband, and shut herself up in a convent. As for Sophia, she threw off the mask, despised censures, patch'd and painted, frequented public places, and had adventures.

CHAP. XIX.

Seventh trial of the Ring.

The stifled Toy

Tho' the female cits of Banza doubted whether Toys of their rank would be honoured with the gift of speech; yet they all furnish'd themselves with muzzles. In Banza muzzles became as common, as a general court mourning in this country.

Here the African author observes with astonishment, that neither the lowness of the price, nor the commonness of muzzles put them out of fashion in the Seraglio. "This once," says he, "utility got the better of prejudice." So trite a reflection was not worth the pains of repeating: but to me it seems as if it was the defect of all the ancient authors of Congo, to fall into repetitions; whether they thereby hoped to give a greater air of truth and facility to their productions; or that they were far from having as much fecundity of invention as their admirers ascribe to them.

However that be, one day Mangogul, walking in his gardens, attended by his whole court, took the maggot to level his ring at Zelais. She was handsome, and suspected of several adventures: yet her Toy did no more than stammer, and utter'd only some few mangled words, which had no meaning, and which the Blasters interpreted as they thought fit. – "Pshuh!" says the Sultan, "here is a Toy that has a vast impediment of speech. Most certainly there must be somewhat that impedes its respiration." Wherefore he applied his ring more intensely. The Toy made a second effort to speak; and in some measure surmounting the obstacle, that stop'd its mouth, these words were heard very distinctly. "Alas! alas! – I am – I am – I am stifled. I can no more. – Alas! alas! I am stifled."

Immediately Zelais found herself going: she grew pale, her neck swell'd, and she fell, with her eyes shut and mouth half open, between the arms of those who stood around her.

Any where else Zelais would have been speedily relieved. 'Twas only debarrassing her of her muzzle, and allowing her Toy a freedom of respiration: but how to lend the helping hand in Mangogul's presence. "Quick, quick, physicians," cried the Sultan, "Zelais is dying."

Some pages ran to the palace, and returned, with the doctors gravely marching after them. Orcotomus was at their head. Some gave their opinion for bleeding, others for the kermes mineral; but the penetrating Orcotomus ordered Zelais to be carried to a neighbouring closet, examined her, and cut the braces of her harness. This muzzled Toy was one of those, which he boasted to have seen in the paroxysm.

However, the bloating was excessive, and Zelais would have continued to suffer, had not the Sultan had pity on her condition. He turn'd off his ring, the fluids return'd to their equilibrium. Zelais came to herself, and Orcotomus assumed the honour of this miraculous cure.

Zelais's accident and her physician's indiscretion, made the muzzles lose much of their credit. Orcotomus, without any regard to Eolipila's interest, proposed to himself to raise his own fortune on the ruins of the others; advertised himself as a patentee physician of Toys that had caught cold: and some of his bills are to be seen at this day in the by-streets. He began by getting money, and ended by falling into contempt. The Sultan took pleasure in lowering the presumption of the empiric. Did Orcotomus boast of silencing a Toy that had never utter'd a word? Mangogul had the cruelty to make it speak. People went so far as to remark, that any Toy that was tired of silence, need only have two or three visits from Orcotomus. In a little time he was rank'd with Eolipila in the class of quacks; and they will both continue therein, until it shall please Brama to take them out.

Shame was preferred to the apoplexy. "The one kills," said the women, "the other does not." Wherefore they renounced their muzzles; let their Toys talk on; and no body died thereby.

CHAP. XX.

Eighth trial of the Ring.

The Vapors

There was a time, as we have seen, when the women dreaded the prating of their Toys, were stifled, and died away; but another succeeded, when they set themselves above this dread, threw away their muzzles, and had nothing beyond the vapors.

The favorite, among her attendants, had a very singular young lady. Her humour was charming, tho' uneven. She changed countenance ten times a day; but whatever face she put on, was pleasing. Unique in her melancholy, as well as in her gaiety, there slip'd from her, in her most extravagant moments, things of exquisite sense; and in her fits of sadness she uttered very diverting extravagances.

Mirzoza was so used to Callirhoe (for that is the name of this young mad girl) that she could hardly be without her. One time that the Sultan complain'd to the favorite of somewhat restless and cold, which he remark'd in her; "Prince," said she, embarrassed at his reproach, "without my three beasts, my nightingale, my lap-dog and Callirhoe, I am good for nothing; and you see that I have not the last." "And why is she not here?" said Mangogul. "I can't tell," answered Mirzoza; "but I remember, that some months ago she told me, that if Mazul made the campaign, she could not avoid having the vapors; and Mazul set out yesterday." "I easily excuse her," said the Sultan: "for I look on her vapors to be well grounded. But upon what account do a hundred other women take it into their heads to be vapor'd, who have young husbands, and besides take care to be well provided with lovers?" "Prince," answered a courtier, "'tis a fashionable disease. It is genteel in a woman to have the vapors. Without a lover and the vapors, she knows nothing of the world: and there is not a citizen's wife in Banza, who does not affect to have them."

Mangogul smiled, and resolved to visit some of these vaporish women immediately. He went directly to Salica's house, and found her in bed, with her neck quite bare, her eyes flaming, and her hair dishevel'd; and at her bed's side the little stammering hump-back'd physician Farfadi, telling her stories: while she was stretching out, now one arm, then another, yawning, sighing, putting her hand to her head, and exclaiming bitterly: "Alas I can't bear it – throw the windows open – give me air – I shall faint, I shall dye. – "

Mangogul took advantage of the moment that her affrighted women were assisting Farfadi in lightening the bed-cloaths, to turn his ring on her, and instantly these words were heard: "Oh! how tired I am of this humor! behold, madam has taken into her noddle to have the vapors. This farce will last eight days at least, and may I dye, if I know the cause: for after Farfadi's efforts to ferret out this disease, I think it is in the wrong to continue." – "Good," said the Sultan turning off his ring, "I understand. This dame has the vapors in favor of her physician. Let us try elsewhere."

He went from Salica's house to that of Arsinoe, which is not far from it. On entering her chambers he heard loud bursts of laughter, and advanced, thinking to find her in company: but she was alone; and Mangogul was not much surprized. "A woman who gives herself the vapors," says he, "gives them melancholy or merry, as is most convenient." He turn'd his ring on her, and presently her Toy began to laugh unmercifully. From these immoderate laughing fits it made a sudden transition to ridiculous lamentations on the absence of Narces, whom it advised as a friend to hasten his return; and continued to sob, weep, groan, sigh, and be comfortless, as if it had buried all its relations.

The Sultan, who could hardly refrain from laughing aloud at so whimsical an affliction, turn'd off his ring and departed; leaving Arsinoe and her Toy to lament at leisure, and inferring the falsity of the proverb.

CHAP. XXI.

Ninth Trial of the Ring.

Of Things lost and found

To serve as a Supplement to the learned Treatise of Pancirollus, and to the Memoirs of the Academy of Inscriptions

Mangogul returning to his palace, pondering on the ridiculous airs which women give themselves, found himself, whether thro' absence of mind, or some blunder of his ring, under the portico of the sumptuous building, which Thelis has decorated with the rich spoils of her lovers. He embraced the opportunity, to interrogate her Toy.

Thelis was the wife of the Emir Sambuco, whose ancestors had reign'd in Guinea. Sambuco had acquired a high reputation in Congo, by five or six signal victories, which he had gain'd over Erguebzed's enemies. As he was not a less able negotiator than a great captain, he had been employ'd in embassies of the greatest consequence, and executed his high trust with superior talents. On his return from Loango he saw Thelis, and was smitten. He was then upon the brink of fifty, and Thelis was not above twenty-five. She was rather agreeable than a beauty: the women said she was well enough, and the men thought her charming. Powerful matches sought her; but whether she had already fix'd her notions, or that there was too great a disproportion of fortune between her and her admirers, they were all rejected. Sambuco saw her, laid at her feet immense riches, a great name, laurels, and titles inferior to none but those of sovereigns, and obtain'd her.

Thelis was, or appear'd virtuous for six whole weeks after her marriage. But a Toy born voluptuous, seldom conquers itself; and a quinquagenarian husband, tho' otherwise ever so great a hero, is a madman, if he flatters himself with conquering such an enemy. Altho' Thelis mix'd prudence with her conduct, her first adventures were not unknown. This was sufficient for supposing afterwards, that she had others undisclosed: and Mangogul, desirous of full information, hastened to pass from the porch of her palace into her appartment.

It was then the middle of summer. The heat was excessive, and Thelis, after dining, had thrown herself on a couch, in a back closet adorned with glasses and paintings. She was a-sleep, her hand leaning on a collection of Persian tales, which had lull'd her to repose.

Mangogul view'd her some time, allowed that she had charms, and turn'd his ring on her. "I remember it as perfectly as if it had been yesterday: nine proofs of love in four hours. Ah! what moments! Zermounzaid is a divine man! He is not the old frozen Sambuco. – Dear Zermounzaid, I had been ignorant of true pleasures, real good: you alone made me sensible of them."

Mangogul, desirous of learning the particulars of Thelis's commerce with Zermounzaid, which the Toy kept from him, by dwelling on what affects a Toy the most feelingly, rubb'd the stone of his ring for some time against his waistcoat, and levell'd it, quite sparkling with light, at Thelis. Its influence soon reach'd her Toy, which being thereby better informed of what was required of it, re-assumed its discourse in a more historical strain.

"Sambuco commanded the Monoémugian army, and I followed him to the field. Zermounzaid served under him in quality of a colonel, and the general, who honoured him with his confidence, had put us under his escort. The zealous Zermounzaid did not abandon his post: he thought it too pleasing, to resign it: and the danger of losing it was the only one he fear'd during the whole campaign.

"While we were in winter quarters, I entertained a few new guests; Cacil, Jekia, Almamoun, Jasub, Selim, Manzora, Nereskim, all military men, who were commended by Zermounzaid, but were inferior to him. The credulous Sambuco relied for his wife's virtue on herself, and on Zermounzaid's care: and being entirely taken up with the immense business of the war, and the great operations which he was meditating for the glory of Congo, he never had the least suspicion either of the treachery of Zermounzaid, or the infidelity of Thelis.

"The war continued; the armies took the field, and we our litters. As they went a very slow pace, the main body of the army gain'd ground of us, and we found ourselves in the rear, which Zermounzaid commanded. This gallant youth, whom the sight of the greatest dangers had never made to swerve a foot from the path of glory, could not resist that of pleasure. He entrusted a subaltern with the care of watching the motions of the enemy, who harrassed us; and got up into our litter: but he was hardly there, when we heard a confused noise of arms and outcries. Zermounzaid, leaving his business half done, attempts to jump out: but he is level'd with the ground, and we become a prey to the conqueror.

"Thus I began by swallowing up the honor and services of an officer, who from his valour and merit might have expected the highest military employments, if he had never known his general's wife. Upwards of three thousand men fell in this action; and therefore of so many good subjects have we robb'd the nation."

Let any one, if he can, imagine Mangogul's surprize at this discourse. He had heard Zermounzaid's funeral oration, and did not know him by these features. His father Erguebzed had regretted this officer: the news-papers, after lavishing the highest eulogies on his fine retreat, had attributed his defeat and death to the enemy's superior numbers, which, as they said, were found to be six to one. All Congo had lamented a man, who had done his duty so well. His wife obtain'd a pension: his regiment was given to his eldest son, and an ecclesiastical preferment promised to his younger.

"What horror!" cried Mangogul, but softly. "A husband dishonor'd, the state betray'd, subjects sacrificed, crimes not only concealed, but even rewarded as virtues: and all that for a Toy."

Thelis's Toy, which had stopt to take breath, continued: "Thus am I abandoned to the enemy's discretion. A regiment of dragoons was ready to fall upon us. Thelis seem'd quite frighted, and yet wish'd nothing more ardently: but the charms of the prey sowed discord among the plunderers. The scimiters were drawn, and thirty or forty men were massacred in the twinkling of an eye. The noise of this disorder reach'd the general officer. He ran thither, calmed the furious soldiers, and sequestrated us under a tent; where we had not time to know ourselves, when he came and demanded the price of his good services. 'Woe to the vanquished,' cried Thelis, falling backward on a bed: and the whole night was spent in feeling her misfortune.

"The next day we found ourselves on the banks of the Niger. A saick was waiting for us, and my mistress and I set out, in order to be presented to the emperor of Benin. In this twenty-four hours voyage the captain of the vessel offer'd himself to Thelis, and was accepted: and I found by experience, that the sea service is infinitely brisker than the land service.

"We saw the emperor of Benin. He was young, ardent, voluptuous. Thelis made a conquest of him: but those of her husband affrighted the monarch. He demanded peace: and the price, at which he purchased it, was but three provinces and my ransom.

"Different times, different fatigues. Sambuco came to know, I can't tell how, the reason of the misfortunes of the preceding campaign; and during this, he deposited me with a friend of his, a chief of the Bramins, on the frontiers. The holy man made but a weak defence: he was ensnared by the wiles of Thelis, and in less than six months devoured his immense income, three lakes and two forests."

"Mercy," cried Mangogul, "three lakes and two forests! What an appetite for a Toy!"

"'Tis a mere trifle," resumed the Toy. "Peace was made, and Thelis accompanied her husband in his embassy to Monomotapa. She gamed, and very fairly lost a hundred thousand sequins in one day, which I won back again in an hour. A minister, whose master's affairs did not fill up all his time, fell into my clutches; and in three or four months I eat him up a fine landed estate, together with his castle well furnish'd, a park, and equipage, with the little pyed horses. A favor of four minutes duration, but well spun out, brought us in feasts, presents and jewels: and the blind or politic Sambuco did not disturb us.

"I shall not bring into the accompt," added the Toy, "the marquisats, counties, titles, coats of arms, &c. which have been eclipsed at my appearance. Apply to my secretary, who will tell you what is become of them. I have close-pared the horns of the dominions of Biafara, and am in possession of an entire province of Beleguanza. Erguebzed made overtures to me a little before his death." At these words Mangogul turn'd off his ring, and silenced this gulph: he respected his father's memory, and would hear nothing that might tarnish the splendor of the great qualities, which he knew were in him.

Returning to the seraglio, he entertained the favorite with the vapored ladies, and with the trial of his ring on Thelis. "You admit this woman," said he, "to your familiarity: but in all probability you do not know her as well as I." "I understand you, sir," answered the Sultana. "Her Toy has perhaps been foolish enough to give you a narrative of her adventures with the general Micokof, the Emir Feridour, the senator Marsupha, and the great Bramin Ramanadanutio. But pray, who is ignorant, that she keeps young Alamir, and that old Sambuco, who speaks not a word, is as well apprized of it as you."

"You have not hit the mark," replied Mangogul. "I have compell'd her Toy to make a full discharge." "Had it swallowed any thing of yours," said Mirzoza. "No," said the Sultan, "but much belonging to my subjects, to the grandees of my empire, to the neighbouring potentates; as estates, provinces, castles, lakes, forests, diamonds, equipages, with the little pyed horses." "Without reckoning their reputation and virtue, sir," added Mirzoza. "I cannot tell what benefit you will reap by your ring; but the more you try it, the more odious my sex becomes to me: even those, whom I thought I justly held in some esteem, are not expected. They have thrown me me into such an humor, that I beg your highness will allow me to indulge it alone for some moments." Mangogul, who knew that the favorite was an enemy to all constraint, kiss'd her right ear thrice, and retired.

CHAP. XXII.

A Sketch of Mangogul's moral Philosophy

Mangogul, impatient to see the favorite again, slept little, arose earlier than usual, and was in her appartment before sun-rising. She had already rung the bell: a servant had just opened the curtains, and her women were preparing to dress her. The Sultan look'd narrowly around her, and seeing never a dog, he asked her the reason of this oddity. "I see," answered Mirzoza, "that you think me singular in this article, but there is nothing in it." "I assure you," replied the Sultan, "that I see dogs about all the women of my court, and you will oblige me in informing me why they have them, or why you have none. Most of them have several, and not one of them but lavishes such caresses on her own, as she seems not to bestow on her lover without some difficulty. How come these beasts to deserve the preference? What use is made of them?"

Mirzoza was puzzled at these questions: however, she made this answer. "To be sure, one keeps a dog as a parrot or a canary bird. It may be ridiculous to set one's heart on these animals; but there is nothing wonderful in having them: they sometimes amuse, and never injure. If they are caressed, 'tis because such caresses are of no consequence. Besides, do you believe, prince, that a lover is satisfied with a kiss, such as a woman bestows on her pug-dog?" "Doubtless, I believe it," says the Sultan. "By Jupiter the man must be very nice, who would not be satisfied."

One of Mirzoza's women, who had gain'd the good will of the Sultan and his favorite by sweetness of temper, good parts, and zeal, said: "These animals are inconvenient and nasty: they dirty one's clothes, spoil the furniture, tare laces, and do more mischief in a quarter of an hour, than would be sufficient to throw the most faithful lady's woman into disgrace: and yet they are kept."

"Tho', according to madam, they are good for nothing but that," added the Sultan.

"Prince," said Mirzoza, "we stick to our fancies, and the keeping of dogs must be one, like many others, which would be no longer fancies, if we could give a reason for them. The reign of monkeys is past, the parrots still support themselves. Dogs fell, and now they rise again. Squirrels have had their time: and it is with animals, as it has successively been with Italian, English, geometry, farthingales, and furbela's."

"Mirzoza," replied the Sultan, shaking his head, "has not all the knowledge that may be acquired on this subject; and the Toys – "

"Is not your highness going to imagine," said the favorite, "that you will be inform'd by Haria's Toy, why that woman, who saw her son, one of her daughters, and her husband, die without shedding a tear, wept the loss of her lap-dog for a whole fortnight."