Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

"But nothing gave me so great amusement as an enterprize which I executed in a province remote from the capital, where my regiment was in quarters. I set out from Banza to review it; and as that was my only business, I should have been quickly back, were it not for the extravagant project to which I devoted myself. At Baruthi there was a monastery of very beautiful nuns. I was young and beardless; and I contrived how to get admission under the disguise of a widow, who sought an asylum against the dangers of the age. I ordered womens cloaths to be made for me, then dressed myself, and went to offer myself at the grate of those recluses. I met with a very tender reception: they comforted me for the loss of my husband; the price of my board was agreed on, and in I went.

"The appartment appointed me had a communication with the dormitory of the novices. They were very numerous, most of them young, and of a surprising bloom. I was extremely polite to them, and soon became their bosom friend. In less than eight days I was let into all the interests of the little republic, informed of the several characters, and instructed in their secret history; I received confidences of all colours, and found that detraction and calumny are not better managed by us profane mortals. I observed their rules with severity, catch'd the wheedling air and smooth canting tone: and they whispered to each other, that the community would be happy, if I took the habit.

"No sooner had I thought my reputation established in the house, but I fixed upon a young virgin, who had just taken the first veil. She was an adorable nut-brown girl: she called me her mamma, and I called her my little angel. She gave me innocent kisses, and I returned very tender ones. Youth is curious: Zirziphila put me daily on the subject of matrimony, and the pleasure of husbands, and desired me to inform her: I artfully whetted her curiosity; and from question to question I led her to the practice of the lessons which I gave her. She was not the only novice that I instructed; and some young nuns came likewise to be edified in my cell. I managed the hours and meetings so dexterously, that no one interfered with another. In fine, madam, what shall I tell you? The pious widow made a numerous progeny. But when the scandal, which caused many a secret sigh, broke out, and a council of discreet matrons met, and sent for the physician of the convent; I meditated my retreat. Wherefore in the dead of the night, when the whole house was asleep, I scaled the garden wall, and disappeared. I went to the waters of Piombino, whither the physician had sent half the convent; and there, in the habit of a cavalier, I finished the work, which I had begun under that of a widow. This, madam, is a fact which the whole empire remembers, and of which you alone know the author.

"The rest of my youth," added Selim, "was spent in the like amusements, always women, and of all sorts, seldom any mystery, a number of oaths, and no sincerity." "But at this rate," says the favorite, "you have never been in love?" "Psha!" replied Selim, "I thought much of love at that time; I aim'd at pleasure only, and at those women who were most likely to afford it me" – "But," interrupted the favorite, "is there any pleasure without loving? What can it be, when the heart says nothing?" "Alas! madam," rejoined Selim, "is it the heart that speaks at the age of eighteen or twenty?"

"But in fine, what is the result of all these experiments? What have you pronounced on women?"

"That most women have no character at all," says Selim. "That they are most powerfully influenced by three things, interest, pleasure and vanity; that perhaps there is not one of them who is not governed by one of these passions; and that those who join all the three together, are monsters."

"As for pleasure, that I can allow them," said Mangogul, who had just then joined the company: "though little dependance can be had on this sort of women, yet they are to be excused. When the constitution is wound up to a certain pitch, it is an unruly horse, which carries his rider over hedges and ditches; and most women are mounted astride on that beast." "'Tis probably for that reason," says Selim, "that the dutchess Menega calls the Chevalier Kaidar her master of the horse."

"But is it possible," says the Sultana to Selim, "that you have not had the least adventure, in which the heart was concerned. Will your sincerity tend only to dishonour a sex which constituted your pleasures, if you were their darling. What! in so great a number of women, not one that desired, and even deserved to be beloved; that is not to be conceived."

"Ah! madam," replied Selim, "I feel, by the readiness with which I obey you, that years have not weakened the empire of a lovely woman over my heart. Yes, madam, I have loved like other folks. You desire to know all; I am going to tell all, and you will judge if I have performed a lover's part in all the forms."

"Are there any travels in this part of your history?" says the Sultan. "No, prince," replied Selim. "So much the better," says Mangogul, "for I find no propensity to sleep."

"For my part," rejoined the favorite, "Selim will allow me to take a little rest."

"Let him go to bed likewise," says the Sultan; "and while ye both are reposing, I will interrogate Cypria."

"But, prince," answered Mirzoza, "your highness does not reflect, that that Toy will lead you into a string of voyages without end."

The African author informs us in this place, that the Sultan, struck with Mirzoza's observation, took care to provide a most powerful antihypnotic. He adds, that Mangogul's physician, being his intimate friend, had given him the prescription, and that he had put it in to the preface of his book: but of that preface there remains no more than; the three last lines, which are as follow.

Take of —

of —

of —

of Mariamne, and the Paysan Par, four pages.

of the Egaremens du Coeur, one sheet.

of the Confessions, twenty five lines and a half.

CHAP. XLIV.

Twenty-sixth trial of the Ring.

The rambling Toy

While the favorite and Selim were reposing after the fatigues of the preceding day, Mangogul was viewing with astonishment the magnificent appartments of Cypria. This woman had, by means of her Toy, made a fortune equal to that of a general farmer of the revenue. After having been through a long row of chambers, each surpassing the other in richness and elegance of furniture, he came to the great salon; where, in the midst of a numerous circle, he distinguished the mistress of the house by the enormous quantity of jewels, which disfigured her; and her husband, by the good-manship painted on his countenance. Two Abbés, a wit, and three academicians of Banza, were posted at the sides of Cypria's easy chair; and towards the end of the salon fluttered about two Petits-Maitres, and a young magistrate full of airs, blowing on his ruffles, incessantly adjusting his peruke, visiting his mouth, and complimenting himself in the glass that his paint held on so well. Except these three butterflies, all the company was in profound veneration for the honorable mummy, who was seated in an indecent posture, yawned, spoke while she yawned, judged of every thing, judged ill of every thing, and was never contradicted. "How," said Mangogul within himself, who had not talked alone of a long time, and was chagrined at it; "how came she to have it in her power to dishonor a man of a good family, with so wrong a turn of mind, and such a figure as she makes?" Cypria would fain pass for fair; tho' her skin, tawney striped with red, had a good resemblance with a variegated Tulip. With large eyes, she was short-sighted; she was of a squat shape, crowded features, with a long slender nose, a flat mouth, hollow cheeks, and a narrow forehead; no neck, a dry hand, and skinny arm. With those charms it was, that she inchanted her husband. The Sultan turn'd his ring on her, and instantly she began to open. The company were deceived, thinking that Cypria spoke from her mouth, and that she was going to pass judgment: whereas her Toy began in these words.

"The history of my travels. I was born in Morocco, in the year 17000000012; and I danced on the stage of the opera, when Mehemet Tripathoud, who kept me, was named ambassador extraordinary from our potent emperor to the monarch France. I followed him in this ambassy. The charms of the French women soon robbed me of my lover; and I speedily made reprisals. The courtiers greedy of novelty, would needs try Maroquine: for thus they nick-named my mistress. She treated them with great humanity; and her affability in six months brought her in twenty thousand crowns in jewels, as much more in cash, and a neat well furnished house. But the French are fickle, and I soon ceased to be in fashion. I did not mispend my time in galloping about the provinces: great talents require vast theatres. I suffered Tripathoud to return without me; and I devoted myself to the metropolis of another kingdom.

"Un my lord tres opulent, qui voyageoit en France, m'entraina a Londres. Oui, c'etoit la vraiment un homme. Il m'arrosoit six fois par jour, et six autres fois par nuit. Son v-t lancoit des dards de feu, comme la queue d'une Comete. Jamais n'ai-je ressenti des bottes si vives et si bien appliquées. Mais il n'etoit pas possible à la prouesse humaine de continuer ce train long tems: aussi se rallentit-il peu à peu, et je recus son ame distillée par son _Penis_. Il me fit present de cinquante mil guinées. A ce noble Seigneur succederent deux amateurs nouvellement revenus de course. Comme ils etoient amis intimes, ils me chevauchoient, comme ils avoient voyagés, en compagnie; chacun faisant tous ses efforts pour surpasser l'autre en vigeur et en feu. Pendant que l'un etoit a la rade, je remorqueois l'autre par son v-t, et je le preparois à une nouvelle attaque. Par un calcul tres moderé je contai cent quatre-vingt coups de balles, que je recus en huit jours. Mais je m'ennuiai bientot de tenir un compte si exacte: car leurs bordées ne finissoient pas. Ils me payerent douze mil guinées pour ma part des captures qu'ils avaient faites. Dés que l'hiver fut passé, ils furent contraints de mettre à la voile; et ils auroient bien voulu m'engager en qualité d'Allege: mais j'avois deja fait contract avec un Comte Allemand.

"Duxit me Viennam in Austria patriam suam, ubi venereâ voluptate, quantâ maximâ poteram, ingurgitatus sum, per menses tres integros ejus splendidè nimis epulatus hospes. Illi, rugosi et contracti Lotharingo more colei, et eo usque longa crassaque mentula, ut dimidiam nondum acciperem, quamvis iterato coitu fractus rictus mihi miserè pateret. Immanem ast usu frequenti vagina tandem admisit laxè gladium; novasque excogitavimus artes, quibus fututionum quotidianaram vinceremus fastidium. Modò me resupinum agitabat; modò ipsum, eques adhærescens inguinibus, motu quasi tolutario versabam. Sæpe turgentem spumantemque admovit ori priapum, simulque appressis ad labia labiis, fellatrice me linguâ perfricuit. Etsi veneri nunquam indulgebat posticæ, à tergo me tamen adorsus, cruribus altera sublato, altera depresso, inter femora subibat, voluptaria quærens per impedimenta transire. Amatoria Sanchesii præcepta calluit ad unguem, et festivas Aretini tabulas sic expressit, ut nemo melius. His a me laudibus acceptis, multis florenorum millibus mea solvit obsequia, et Romam secessi.

"Quella Citta è il tempio de Venere, ed il soggiorno delle delizie. Tuttavia mi dispiaceva, que le natiche leggiadre sossero là encora più festeggiate delle più belle potte; quello che provai il terno giorno del mio arrivo in quel paese. Una Cortigiana illustre si offerisce a farmi guadagnare mila scudi, s'io voleva passar la sera con esso lei in una vigna. Accettai l'invito; salimmo in una carozza, e giungemmo in un luogo da lei ben conosciuto, nel quale due cavaliere colle braghenesse rosse si fecero incontro à noi, e ci condussero in un boschetto spesso e solto, dove cavatosi subito le vesti, vedemmo i più furiosi cazzi che risaltero mai. Ogn'uno chiavò la sua. Il trastullo poi si prese à quadrille, dopo per farsi guattare in bocca, poscia nelle tette; alla perfine, uno de chiavatori impadronissi del mio rivale, mentro l'altro mi lavorava. L'istesso fu fatto alla conduttrice mia; e ciò tutto dolcemente condito di bacci alla fiorentina. E quando i campioni nostri ebbero posto fine alla battaglia, facemmo la fricardella per risvegliar il gusto a quei benedetti Signori, i quali ci pagarono con generosita. In più volte simili guadagnai con loro sessanta mila scudi; e due altre volte tanto, con colloro che mi proccurava la Cortigiana. Mi ricordo di uno che visitava mi spesso, e che sborrava sempre due volte senza cavarlo; e d'un altro il quale usciva da me pian piano, per entrare sotilmente nel mio vicino; e per questo bastava fare sù e giù le natiche. Ecco una uzanza curiosa che si prattica in Italia."

Cypria's Toy continued her history; in a strain half Congese and half Spanish. In all probability it was not a sufficient master of the latter language, to employ it alone. "A language is not learnt," says the African author, who would sooner hang himself, than miss a common observation, "without talking it much: " and Cypria's Toy had little or no time to talk at Madrid.

"I fled from Italy," said the Toy, "notwithstanding some secret desires that called me back, influxo malo del clima! y tuve luego la resolucion de ir me a una tierra donde pudiesse gozar mis fueros, sin partir los con un usurpador. I travelled into old Castille, where I was brought back to my simple functions: but this did not gratify my revenge. Le impuse la tarea de batter el compas en los bayles che celebrava de dia y de noche; and he performed so well, that we were reconciled. We appear'd at the court of Madrid as good friends. Al entrar de la ciudad, I link'd con un Pape venerable por sus canas: happily for me: for he had compassion for my youth, and gave me a secret, the fruit of sixty years experience, para guardar me del mal de que merecieron los Franceses ser padrinos, por haver sido sus primeros pregones. With this receipt, and a relish for cleanliness, which I vainly endeavoured to introduce in Spain, I preserved myself from all accidents at Madrid, where my vanity alone was mortified. My mistress, you know, has a very little foot. Esta prenda es el incentivo mas poderoso de una imaginacion Castellana. A little foot, serves for a pasport at Madrid to a girl, que tiene la mas dilatada fima entre las piernas. I resolved to quit a country, where I owed the greatest part of my triumphs to a foreign merit; y me arrime a un definidor muy virtuoso que passava a las Indias. Under the wings of his reverence I saw the land of promise, that country where the happy mortal without scandal carries gold in his purse, a ponyard under his girdle, and his mistress behind him. How delightful a life is spent there! What nights! Gods, what nights! Hay de mi! al recordarme de tantos gustos me méo – Algo mas – Ya, ya – Pierdo il sentido – Me muero —

"After spending a year at Madrid, and in America, I embarked for Constantinople. There I could not relish the customs of a people, by whom Toys are lock'd up; and I soon quitted a country, in which my liberty was in danger. However, I practised sufficiently with the Mussulmans, to perceive that they are much improved by their commerce with the Europeans: and I found in them the levity of the French, the ardor of the English, the strength of the Germans, the longanimity of the Spaniards, together with strong tinctures of the Italian refinements: in a word, a single Aga is worth a cardinal, four dukes, a lord, three grandees of Spain, and two German princes.

"From Constantinople I came, as you know, gentlemen, to the court of the great Erguebzed, where I formed the most amiable of our nobility: and when at length I became good for nought, I threw myself on that odd figure there," says the Toy, singling out Cypria's husband by a certain familiar gesture. "Gods, what a fall!"

The African author closes this chapter with an advertisement to the ladies, who might be tempted to order a translation of those parts of the the narrative, where Cypria's Toy expressed itself in foreign languages. "I should be wanting," says he, "to the duty of an historian, by suppressing them; and to the respect which I bear the sex, by preserving them in my work; without acquainting virtuous ladies, that Cypria's Toy had excessively spoil'd its speech in travelling, and that its narratives are infinitely more free than any of the clandestine lectures which it ever made."

CHAP. XLV.

Cydalisa

Mangogul returned to the favorite, where Selim was come before him. "Well, prince," said Mirzoza, "has the account of Cypria's travels done you any good?" "Neither good nor harm," answered the Sultan: "I understood it not." "Why so?" replied the favorite. "Because," says the Sultan, "her Toy speaks like a Polyglot, all languages but mine. It is an impertinent Story-teller, but would make a excellent interpreter." "What!" replied Mirzoza, "did you gather nothing at all from her narrative?" "But one thing, madam," answered Mangogul, "and that is, that travelling is more pernicious, if possible, to the modesty of the women, than to the religion of the men; and that there is very little merit in knowing many languages. For one may be master of Greek, Latin, Italian, French, Spanish, and the language of Congo, and yet have no more sense than a Toy. Is this your opinion, madam? and what is Selim's? Now let him begin his story: but above all, no more travels. They fatigue me to death." Selim promised the Sultan, that the scene should be confined to one place, and spoke thus.

"I was about thirty years of age when I lost my father: I married to keep up my family, and I lived with my wife as becomes a husband; regards, attentions, politeness, decent behavior without much familiarity. The prince Erguebzed came to the throne: I had been in his good graces long before his reign: he continued me in them to his death, and I endeavour'd to do justice to this mark of distinction by my zeal and fidelity. The place of inspector general of his armies became vacant: I obtained it, and this post obliged me to take frequent journies to the frontiers."

"Frequent journies?" cried the Sultan. "A single one is sufficient to make me sleep till to morrow. Think of that."

"Prince," continued Selim, "it was in one of these tours that I became acquainted with the wife of a colonel of the Spahi's, whose name was Ostaluk, a man of bravery, and a good officer, but by no means an agreeable husband, jealous as a tyger, and his person was a sufficient warrant to justify that madness: for he was horribly ugly.

"He had lately espoused Cydalisa, young, lively, handsome; one of those uncommon women, for whom, at the first interview, one feels somewhat more than politeness, from whom one parts with regret, and who return a hundred times to your thoughts, till you see them again.

"Cydalisa had a just way of thinking, expressed herself with grace: her conversation was engaging, and if a person was never tired of seeing her, he was still less so of hearing her. With these qualities she had a right to make strong impressions on every heart, and I felt their effects. I esteemed her much; from esteem I soon ran into tenderness, and all my proceedings immediately assumed the true colour of a strong passion. The ease with which I obtained my former triumphs, had somewhat spoiled me: when I attacked Cydalisa, I imagined she would not hold out long; and that being very much honoured by the pursuit of Mr. Inspector General, she would only make a decent defence. Judge then at the surprise I was thrown into by the answer which she made to my declaration. 'My lord,' said she, 'altho' I had the presumption to believe that you are touched with some charms, which I am thought to have; yet I should be a fool to listen seriously to those same discourses with which you have deceived thousands, before you addressed them to me. Without esteem, what is love? A trifle, and you do not know me sufficiently to esteem me. Whatever judgment and penetration a person may have, he cannot in two days time enter deep enough into the character of a woman, to say that she deserves to be adored. Mr. Inspector General seeks an amusement; he is in the right; and so is Cydalisa too, in amusing no body.'

"In vain did I swear to the sincerity of my passion, that my happiness was in her hands, and that her indifference would poison the rest of my life. 'Jargon,' said she, 'pure jargon. Either think no more of me, or do not believe me stupid enough to be catch'd by those trite protestations. What you have just said to me, every body says without thinking of it, and every body hears without believing it.'

"If I had had but a bare liking to Cydalisa, her severity would have mortified me: but as I loved her, it afflicted me. I set out for the court: her image followed me thither; and absence, far from weakening the passion which I had conceived for her, did but augment it.

"Cydalisa had so far taken possession of me, that I thought a hundred times to make a sacrifice to her of the employments and rank which bound me to the court: but the uncertainty of success always withheld me.

"In the impossibility of flying to the place where I left her, I formed a project to bring her where I was. I took advantage of the confidence with which Erguebzed honoured me, by extolling the merit and valor of Ostaluk. He was named lieutenant of the Spahi's of his guard, an office which fixed him near the prince; and Ostaluk appeared at court, and with him Cydalisa, who instantly became the beauty of the day."

"You did well," says the Sultan, "to keep your employments, and call your Cydalisa to court: for I swear to you by Brama, that I should have suffered you to set out alone for the province she was in."

"She was ogled, surveyed, beset, but all in vain," continued Selim. "I enjoyed the sole privilege of seeing her every day. The more I visited her, the more graces and good qualities I perceived in her, and the more desperately I became enamoured. I fancied that possibly the remembrance of my numerous adventures might injure me in her mind; in order to efface it, and convince her of the sincerity of my love, I banished myself from company, and I saw no women but those which chance threw in my way at her house. It seemed to me as if this conduct had some effect on her, and that she relaxed somewhat of her former severity. I doubled my diligence, I asked for love, and she granted me esteem. Cydalisa began to treat me with distinction. I had some share in her confidence: she often consulted me on her family affairs, but was quite silent on those of her heart. If I expressed myself in tender sentiments, she answered me in maxims, which made me mad. This painful state had lasted a long time, when I took up the resolution to get out of it, and to know positively once for all, what I might depend on." "How did you set about it?" said Mirzoza. "Madam, you will soon be informed," answered Mangogul: and Selim continued.

"I have told you, madam, that I saw Cydalisa every day: I began by seeing her less frequently, I went on by slackening my visits more and more, till infine I scarce saw her at all. Whenever I happened to converse with her tête à tête, I spoke as little of love as if I had never felt the least spark of it. This change astonished her: she suspected me of some secret engagement, and one day, as I was making her a narrative of the galantries of the court, 'Selim,' said she to me with an air of confusion, 'you tell me nothing concerning yourself: you relate the good fortune of others charmingly, but you are very discreet with regard to your own.' 'Madam,' answered I, ''tis probably because I have none, or that I think it is proper to conceal it.' 'To be true,' interrupted she, ''tis of vast consequence to conceal those things to day, which all the world will know to morrow.' 'Be that as it will, madam,' replied I, 'yet at least nobody shall have them from me.' 'Indeed,' said she, 'you are quite marvellous with your reserves; but pray who does not know that you have designs upon the fair Misis, the little Zibelina, and the nut-brown Sephera?' 'And on whom you please besides, madam,' added I coldly. 'Truly,' replied she, 'I can easily believe that these are not all: these two months past, that the sight of you is a favour, you have not been idle, and business goes on fast with those ladies.' 'I, to remain idle,' answered I; 'I should never forgive myself. My heart is made to love, and somewhat to be beloved too; and I will go so far as to own that it is: but ask me no farther questions on this head, perhaps I have already said too much.'