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e: A Novel
Matt Beaumont
An unforgettable first novel.Consisting entirely of staff emails, e spends a fortnight in the company of Miller Shanks, an advertising agency that scales dizzying peaks of incompetence. Among the cast are a CEO with an MBA from the Joseph Stalin School of Management, a Creative Director who is a genius, if only in his own head, designers and copywriters driven by breasts, beer or Bach Flower Remedies, and secretaries who drip honey and spit blood.The novel is a tapestry of insincerity, backstabbing and bare-arsed bitchiness: that is to say, everyday office politics. Oh yes, and there is some work to be done too – the quest for advertising’s Eldorado, the Coca-Cola account.e is sleazy, scurrilous and scabrously funny. It also contains a first-class joke about the Pope and sound advice on the maintenance of industrial carpet tiles.
e
Matt Beaumont
Dedication (#ulink_ce158940-a0ae-53ed-adf4-03d02995c144)
Ave Maria
Contents
Cover (#u53df8325-da27-59c9-b7b9-4d87d52a8e2e)
Title Page (#uebfedd14-4fda-5293-848c-b4c0dbe9851b)
Dedication (#ua15282c8-0784-5328-b7af-e031368895c9)
Monday 3 January 2000 (#ue5a6aa41-d4d6-569b-b481-58773de8de5f)
Tuesday 4 January 2000 (#ub7935569-16a5-57fc-b9a1-0017ef1acc6a)
Wednesday 5 January 2000 (#u8af1966a-e403-54e0-8bc4-8b6af8718901)
Thursday 6 January 2000 (#uc319e850-186e-535c-a6e5-12854bc19313)
Friday 7 January 2000 (#ua7902fb2-0956-57a1-87dd-33ba07f6d659)
Sunday 9 January 2000 (#u357594bd-1314-5408-a912-2655d854936a)
Monday 10 January 2000 (#u836e94b7-ee78-576c-ab19-97e2c57a1e16)
Tuesday 11 January 2000 (#u5f4759e0-e436-522e-8a5a-aa29a782f915)
Wednesday 12 January 2000 (#ue2c26b1b-642e-5931-b25e-5aa407368916)
Thursday 13 January 2000 (#u09aeb86a-557c-5ef6-b851-130231646e0f)
Friday 14 January 2000 (#u1b393305-7ce7-5969-9b70-780dd379f0d1)
Saturday 15 January 2000 (#ubb4df830-6004-5311-b314-2ec6c17978a0)
Sunday 16 January 2000 (#u4c91e9f0-e3d6-5ffc-8027-91090e89e64a)
Monday 17 January 2000 (#uc66b4dc4-c65b-5d6f-91cc-bac2c75ebc0b)
Tuesday 18 January 2000 (#ua06359fb-994e-5e9c-9603-2efcdd6da228)
Monday 7 February 2000 (#uae4599d5-572c-50ac-bd83-a4be786d5ede)
Read on: Staying Alive (#uffbdd912-76c2-553f-ba03-a2b83e137e8f)
About the Author (#u8cdd50f7-a349-5a97-926c-94293bf2668e)
Also by the Author (#u4d9d99aa-6176-5482-8ac8-db776a259338)
Copyright (#uc282bcfc-67db-5a24-b97a-14c1a5e0a469)
About the Publisher (#uce82b3db-67ff-545b-8cea-b66ae4d0d012)
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.13am
to… Fiona Craigie
cc…
re… your butt
Take that fucking Walkman off, get your arse in here and show me how I do an all-staff e-mail. Every time I click ‘ok’ on the address it copies it to Miller Shanks Helsinki.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.27am
to… All Departments
cc… james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa
re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS
First, a happy new Millennium to each and every one of you. Thank you also for sacrificing your bank holidays today to come in and begin the bid for the Coca-Cola business. As you know, in two weeks we pitch for this most prestigious advertising account. To win it we must all perform out of our skins.
Daunting as it may seem, I know we can scale this peak. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last twelve months. When I joined you at the beginning of ’99 we were in the doldrums and Jim Weissmuller in New York gave me a mountain to climb.
He said ‘make Miller Shanks London big again’. Pitch wins for Freedom Catalogues, the LOVE Channel and the £11m Mako Cars account have catapulted us back into the Campaign top twenty for the first time in eight years.
He said ‘make Miller Shanks respected’. In the Marketing Week survey that asked clients which advertising agency they would most like to work with, we rocketed from 45
to 33
.
He said ‘win awards’. I brought in Simon Horne to shake up the creative department and to do just that. His efforts are already paying off, with Pinki and Liam’s fabulous ads for Kimbelle Sanpro scooping bronze at Creative Circle.
We can all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are still a long way from the summit, but base camp has been established and the final assault beckons!
Let’s break camp, attach our lines and get off to a flier in 2000 by adding an $84 billion brand to our client list.
Go, go, go!
David Crutton
CEO
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 8.46am (10.46am local)
to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS
Your e-mail I think is coming to me in Helsinki by mistake, but it’s notwithstanding fun to be reading about my chums in London. I was not realising that mountaineering was possible in Old London Town. Most fascinating!
By the way, is there any help we give you with the Coca-Cola pitch? It is a very popular drink here in icy cold Finland, especially with our many ‘groovy’ young folk. As fellow CEO, I am asking my red-hot creativity department to have lots of brilliant ideas for you.
While I am on cyberspacenet, can please you get me tickets for Great Balls of Grease? Mrs van Helden and my good self will be visiting in London at 12 February. We will be packing our crampons.
Your pal, Pertti
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.49am
to… Fiona Craigie
cc…
re… your fat butt
Get your fucking nose out of Ms London and explain why, despite your best efforts, my last e-mail went to that pathetic twat, van Helden. And get me two tickets for Great Balls of Fire or Grease on 12 Feb. I don’t think the gobshite Finn knows the difference.
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 9.17am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… a new face
I would like you all to join me in welcoming Katie Philpott, who joins us today as a trainee account executive. Katie will be working in Harriet Greenbaum’s group on Mako. She will add her spark and vivacity to an already lively team. Please give her the warmest of Miller Shanks welcomes.
Daniel Westbrooke
Head of Client Services
Rachel Stevenson – 3/1/00, 10.10am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… changes
Sadly, Fiona Craigie has decided to leave us and is no longer David Crutton’s PA. I am sure you will join me in wishing her well for the future. Lorraine Pallister will be temping until a permanent replacement arrives. Please make her welcome.
Rachel Stevenson
Personnel
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 10.14am
to… Creative Department
cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke
re… arses in gear
You will need no reminding of the Coke pitch. This is the big one.
Excalibur.
The Holy Grail.
Eldorado.
The Most Famous Brand in the World.
David Crutton and Dan Westbrooke will brief us at noon in the boardroom.
Be keen.
Be sharp.
Be clever.
Above all, be there.
Si
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.18am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… arses in gear
Simon, I know this might be a silly little thing, so excuse my pedantry. I do not mind you calling me Dan in private, but to the great unwashed, please refer to me as Daniel. The diminutive sounds far too familiar and, as Head of Client Services, I find it pays to remain a little aloof from the rabble! See you at 12.00.
