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Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.22am
to… James Gregory
cc…
re… Katie Philpott
James, my duties as Head of Client Services mean that I am far too busy to bestow upon young Katie my traditional welcome of tea and muffins. Since you are the account manager with whom she will be working most closely, may I request that you take her under your wing and make sure that she is familiar with our ways? Suffice it to say that I would not wish a repeat of what happened with the last trainee.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 10.30am
to… Susi Judge-Davis
cc…
re… Coke
Susi, darling, be an absolute treasure and make sure all the creative teams are aware of the Coke briefing at 12.00. And get me a pot of decaffeinated and some of those itty-bitty cinnamon biscuits they have in the kitchen.
Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 10.31am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… Coke
Doing it right now, darling … Sx
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 10.32am (12.32pm local)
to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… your butt
We are loving your ironicalism. ‘Pathetic twat, van Helden’! There is nothing to beat English humours. Robin’s Nest, Love Thy Neighbour, Are You Being Severed?. We see them all on Satellite Golden Hits Station. However, we are not comprehending ‘gobshite’. It is in not one of our excellent dictionaries.
‘I’m free!’ – Pertti
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.35am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… bienvenue
Katie, profound apologies that I will be unable to sit down with you this morning. You have joined our happy family at the busiest time and I find myself caught up in getting the Coke pitch off to a roaring start. I am sure that you must feel a little dazzled by the glamour of it all, but you will find your feet in no time. I have attached a crib sheet that sets out the key roles in our agency. Previous neophytes have found it to be indispensable. Any questions, ask James Gregory, whom I have appointed your ‘big brother’.
Attachment …
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – il maestro, le chef de cuisine, the head honcho and the person with whom the buck most certainly stops.
HEADS OF CLIENT SERVICES – the power behind the throne, if you will. Custodian of all the agency’s clients and responsible for the performance of everybody in the Account Management Department. A crucial part of his job is to approve every CREATIVE BRIEF before it goes to the Creative Department. These unassuming A4 sheets are the ‘sacred texts’ without which no piece of advertising can be conceived. It is fair to say that with such a spectrum of responsibilities, a head of client services must possess both fierce drive and a passionate vision.
ACCOUNT DIRECTOR – In charge of day-to-day running of one or more accounts; runs a team of account managers and executives; in turn reports to the Head of Client Services.
EXECUTIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR – if the Head of Client Services supplies the client with an expansive blank canvas, then the Creative Director applies those vivid splashes of cobalt, verditer and vermilion that bring his humdrum products so gloriously to life in the nation’s parlours.
THE CREATIVE TEAM – each comprises of a COPYWRITER and an ART DIRECTOR. The Creative Director allocates creative briefs to teams, and then nurtures from them their finest work.
James Gregory – 3/1/00, 10.36am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… hello, new girl
Hi Katie. I’m James and I’ll be your account manager on Mako. Dan Westbrooke has asked me to keep a close eye on you. I’m up to my neck organising this afternoon’s Mako meeting (usual bloody panic), but I’ll clock in with you later. In the meantime, enjoy reading the attached. It was penned by some anon. copywriter and has been handed down through generations of trainees. It tells you all you need to know about how your typical agency works (or rather, doesn’t).
Attachment …
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – some CEOs have been known to have a brass sign on their desks that reads THE BUCK STOPS HERE. This is either a misprint or a bare-faced lie. It should say THE BUCK STARTS HERE. The CEO is in the highly responsible position of having to designate the mug who will officially carry the can for whatever mire the agency has landed itself in. All he/she needs for this are a comfy and ergonomically designed swivel chair, an internal phone list and a nice, shiny pin. Decisions, decisions …
HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES – sounds grand, and so it should because this title was invented as compensation for those witless account directors who will never, ever make CEO. They have no power whatsoever, but if they begin sentences with ‘as Head of Client Services …’ often enough, it will make them think that they do. This title also impresses at cocktail parties where no advertising people are present.
ACCOUNT DIRECTORS – Light bulb joke #1:
Q – How many account directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A – ‘How many would the client like it to take?’
This tells you all you need to know about account directors.
CREATIVE DIRECTORS – All creative directors are Useless Tossers. This fact has been established in a number of clinical trials. It doesn’t matter how good they were before they were creative directors (and, no kidding, some of them were certifiably brilliant), the moment they settle into that palatial corner office with the wide-screen TV and Bauhaus furniture, they assume the mantle of Useless Tosser. This phenomenon has baffled the few scientists who give a shit, which to be frank, isn’t many.
CREATIVE TEAMS – Legend has it that the modern copywriter/art director creative team was invented in the sixties by the advertising luminary Bill Bernbach. This is bollocks. In fact it couldn’t be more bollocks if it were wrapped in a soft leather scrotal sac and suspended between the hind legs of a bull. The truth is that the first team actually paired up after seeing the notorious David Bailey shot of the Brothers Kray. Upon inspection, this visionary twosome figured that if they, too, dressed in black and looked well ’ard, it would serve to scare anyone from account management off, who had the temerity to suggest ‘a few little tweaks’ to their work.
Lightbulb Joke #2:
Q – How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A – ‘Fuck off, I’m not changing a thing.’
Pinki Fallon – 3/1/00, 10.39am
to… Simon Horne
cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke
re… arses in gear
Sorry guys, but can you excuse me from Coke? They represent all that is wrong with the Western capitalist socio-economic model and my yoga teacher would never forgive me. In any case, Liam and I are up to our necks on the Kimbelle Super Dri launch, which should keep us v.v.v. busy for the next couple of weeks. Sorry, etc …
Katie Philpott – 3/1/00, 10.42am
to… James Gregory
cc…
re… HI YOURSELF!
Thanks for the e. Didn’t understand most of it, but guffaw, guffaw anyway! Haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to do yet, but if I can help with your Mako meeting – pens, pads, that sort of thing – give me a shout. By the way, what happened to the last trainee? I’ve heard some rumours, but no one will tell. Katie P
Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 10.45am
to… Vince Douglas; Brett Topowlski
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS
There goes another thousand years. How was it for you? I boycotted it – well, the whole fucking thing was a marketing con by the Christians to get us to buy Cliff Richard’s piece of shit. I stayed in with a Tesco korma, Jose Cuervo, my new Sony Vega and a hard-on for Gaby Roslyn – I recommend it if you’re around for the next one. Don’t know if I’ll see you at the Coke briefing. Pinki’s just e’d Horne with another moral stand. Wonder how the sad old git will talk her round this time – watch this space.
James Gregory – 3/1/00, 10.50am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… HI YOURSELF!
The story is that the last trainee spent his first month sitting by the fire escape waiting for a proper desk. He got hypothermia and sued. Don’t worry, things have changed. That’s why they stuck you by the big copier on the 3
– you’ll overheat rather than freeze.
Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 10.54am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… room to let
Room to let in cosy central Balham flat.
• Near shops, buses and Jet filling station
• Hygena kitchen w/ ceramic hob
• Neighbourhood Watch area
• Non-smoker preferred
• Must like cats
• And gerbils
• £380 PCM
• First to see will move in!
Call x4667 – Nige.
Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 10.59am
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS
Unbelievable – the first bank holiday of the year and I’m sitting in the Miller Shanks creative department staring at Vin and trying to come up with a campaign for Freedom Catalogues. Told him we need a visual idea. He’s the art director, so it’s his problem now.
Our Millenniums in brief. Mine’s a total blank – woke up in a skip in Poplar at five am, 1 Jan, but had a spectacular view of the Dome as I leaned over the edge to puke. Vin was in Berlin and was so depraved he can’t bring himself to tell me what he got up to. On the way back he was gutted that the Y2K bug didn’t kick in and make the Airbus drop from sky – figures the adrenaline rush would’ve worked wonders for his hangover.
Don’t bother e-mailing him. He made a New-Year res’ to get computer literate. First thing this morning he got me to fire up his Mac and log him onto Notes. He had 4,735 unread e’s. He freaked and made me switch it off. Hasn’t said a word since. I gave him some Crayolas and a pad and he’s started to recover.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 11.04am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… hippie dipstick
Is there anything the dizzy cow Pinki will work on? She won’t do Embassy Regal for obvious reasons; Army Recruitment because she’s anti-military; Action Man, ditto; Floréal Haircare because they torture kittens. For Christ’s sake, she won’t even work on Everest because they screwed up her mother’s replacement windows. You keep saying she and Liam are the best creative team we’ve got, but have you thought that her delicate political sensibilities might be better suited to a different business? (VSO comes to mind.) Look into it, because if we don’t win Coke and she hasn’t lifted a bloody finger, I’ll have her on the next flight to Somalia.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 11.24am
to… David Crutton
cc…
