Your Daughter

Friendship Q&A

No way to treat a friend

Q: My 12 year old daughter has a group of friends, and at the moment when she walks up to meet them (at break, for example), they giggle and run off. Two of these ‘friends’ usually get the school bus home with her but lately are getting a different bus and not telling her. I just do not know how to help. She is not a giggly, silly girl but her friends are; I don’t think she joins in when they are being silly. She has told me that sometimes she finds them a bit boring but obviously wants to be part of the group. She is a bright girl and does want to do well, but sadly this is not seen as ‘cool’. She says she does not understand why they run off, as ‘it’s no way to treat a friend’. Can you offer any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy.

A: This situation is very common indeed. In each year group in every school, there will be girls who exert their in uence by controlling who can and cannot be part of their group. This is agony for girls in Years 7, 8 and 9 and needs help and intervention. In each year group, there will be quite a large number of girls who wish to be ‘cool’ and belong to this type of friendship group. However, there will be others who are sensible, kind and caring and just want to get on with their work and activities. Your daughter needs to join a group of more similar-minded girls. This might be helped by joining in with some new extracurricular activities or finding different places to sit in class and at lunchtimes.

You may need to ask for the help of your daughter’s Head of Year or tutor who should talk to the girls involved and explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. If you are not happy with the outcome, go to a member of the senior leadership team. If change is to happen, adult intervention will be needed. In addition, your daughter may need your help to stand up to the girls and tell them that their behaviour is unpleasant. You might suggest what she could say the next time they ignore her.

She’s my best friend, but am I hers?

Q: My 14-year-old daughter likes school, but she seems generally unhappy and I think it is to do with problems she has being accepted by some of the other girls. She has a best friend and they do things together, but the friend is very popular and gets invited to lots of parties and sleepovers by other girls while my daughter never seems to get invited. She says she hates it when they are all talking any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy. about what they did the night before and she wasn’t there and she thinks they do it deliberately to spite her. Do you think there is anything I or her teachers could do about it without showing her up in front of others?

A: Girls’ friendships are crucial to their sense of themselves, their con dence and their wellbeing. When friendships are not going well, every other aspect of their lives can be affected. Some girls have the happy knack of making friends easily; others need support and guidance on how to gain, nurture and keep friends, as well as how to be a good friend. This is where you, as her mother, can offer your own experiences.

From what you say, your daughter knows how to make and grow one special friendship but has not yet appreciated that having a wider circle is healthier. This is most probably why she feels that these other girls are deliberately excluding and mocking her. It’s far more likely that they are simply being thoughtless rather than that they are trying to make her unhappy.

The problem is that, just as you cannot force children to eat, you cannot force them to be friends. As her mother, what you can do to aid your unhappy daughter is to help her to develop strategies for surviving disappointment and for making a wider range of friends. It is dangerous for her to be so dependent on just one friend. As people grow up, they evolve and change, so having lots of friends is safer. After all, your daughter may not always want to be close to her current ‘best friend’, even if she cannot imagine such a situation right now. Has your daughter tried asking a wider group of girls to join her in an activity? Has she quietly asked her friend why she is not being invited on these sleepovers?

Ask her to try both these strategies, as well as encouraging her to develop new interests, perhaps ones that her friend doesn’t have, so that she can meet a whole new set of potential friends. If she is still feeling isolated, try contacting her form teacher to ascertain whether she appears to be isolated at school. If so, her school should be able to suggest further strategies for you both. Nobody would claim that the teenage years are easy; good friendships can really help.

My daughter’s best friend is too clingy

Q: My 10-year-old daughter has had a best friend for over a year now. However, she is starting to find her a bit clingy. She still likes her but she wants to spread her wings a bit and is not sure how to do this without upsetting her. Any advice?

A: The intensity of ‘best friendships’ can be a double-edged sword — a source of tremendous happiness, but also the cause of real anxiety when things cool off a bit, or the two friends mature at different rates, and therefore begin to want different things. Quite understandably, your daughter wants to be really kind in separating a bit, and it would certainly be kinder if the impetus for this separation isn’t seen as coming from her. You can do a lot to help mastermind this, and she will bene t from your help. Start looking at times when they meet outside school and think about cutting these down. There may be all sorts of reasons that you can find to need your daughter at home more, or out with you more often. If your daughter is able to say to her friend, for example, that she is sorry she can’t see her after school on Thursdays now because you want her to do some-thing else, then you will start to break the dependence. Talk to your daughter’s school as well, as they will be able, unobtrusively, to engineer things so that your daughter and her friend are not always together, and are put in different groups and perhaps do different activities, so that they spend more and more time with others. Together, these strategies, with everyone working diplomatically in the background, will ease their separation and yet should mean that they can remain really good friends — the ideal outcome.

Why does my daughter sabotage her friendships?

Q: Since my daughter was a little girl (she is an only child), she has been in constant ghts with her friends. As a result, she is now 15 and has no friends. Her pattern is to make a friend and after a few months there are always comments such as ‘My friend is not very nice’ or ‘She did this or that.’ An argument then occurs, and after she leaves this friend, or they leave her, my daughter goes on to another friend and so on. I have talked to her on many occasions about this. We have moved countries often, but I have always tried to make her feel secure. Is it because she feels insecure that she sabotages her friendships?

A: One of the hardest things about friendships is learning that other people rarely do exactly what we want them to do. When we were little, our world revolved around us, and we played with toys that stayed where we put them and acted as we wanted them to act. Real-life friends are much more interesting, but also very much more their own people. Until we realise that our friends are not just toys, or extensions of ourselves, and until we accept that there must be lots of tolerance and negotiation in any friendship, then we never really make lasting friendships. It sounds very much as though your daughter is still caught in a more immature approach to friendship — not because she feels insecure, but because she just hasn’t yet learnt the value of not being able to control other people, but just accepting them for who they are. She may be a perfectionist — not at all uncommon! — and she would bene t from realising that imperfection is sometimes much better than perfection, certainly when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is worth you speaking to her in these terms, showing her that you understand, and if you have any ‘wise mentors’ around to whom you think she might listen (e.g. your friends, aunts, her teachers and tutors and other parents — possibly even a counsellor), then talk to them and see if they can help you to reinforce these messages. You all want her to be happy, and friendships most de nitely will be a part of this happiness, when she learns to ‘live and let live’.

Friendships with boys

Q: My daughter is moving to an all-girls’ school in September, but I am worried about how she will retain her friendships with boys or create new ones as she gets older. She doesn’t have a brother and I don’t want her to become awkward around boys as she hits adolescence. Any ideas?

A: On a practical level, both you as a parent and your daughter’s school can, and should, create opportunities for natural friendships to occur. If your daughter’s school has a ‘friendly brother school’, then these opportunities are part of the natural pattern of a school: music, drama, Combined Cadet Force, careers events, etc. all provide the natural openings for friendships to develop.

At home, you can also help by ensuring that activities are not just girl-friendly — for example, badminton or tennis clubs, drama groups and orchestras — and holidays could involve activities with others: adventure holidays, skiing, camping, etc.

If we teach our girls to be con dent and self-assured, they should be able to create and maintain healthy relationships with anyone they come into contact with later in life. Of girls who attended all-girls’ schools or mixed schools, with and without brothers, it is their inherent character that dictates how they will handle relationships — all we can do is give them the experiences that will teach them how to develop.

Sexual relationships

Your daughter will face unprecedented pressures as she enters her teenage years – to conform and to compete – and the advice you give her and the example you set her will be crucial. Raising girls in today’s world can seem a daunting prospect. Unsuitable role models, media obsessed with sex and size . . . no wonder your daughter feels under pressure. While every parent would like to shelter their daughter from too much knowledge and experience too soon, it is just not possible to protect her forever. You will want your daughter to make informed decisions and to take care of herself. Although sex is an emotive, sensitive and potentially embarrassing subject it is important that your daughter can turn to you for information and advice.

Sex education by the wised-up parent

When Wet Wet Wet sang ‘Love Is All Around’, they probably meant not love but sex. Yes, it’s everywhere – TV, films, magazines, adverts, music, newspapers, novels, the internet – there’s hardly any escaping it, and most of it is aimed at the teenage market.

Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it out as quickly as is reasonably possible. When Mae West said of men, ‘I feel like a million, but one at a time’, she was regarded as very ‘outré’. In the 21st century, there’s no need to snigger at the double entendre. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one-night stands in Friends, to the full frontal nudity of Sex and the City (actually rated 15, but the film treat of choice for many 12 to 14 year olds’ birthday parties on its release).

A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young? It’s not easy, without nagging or sounding like the harbinger of doom, but that old chestnut of ‘keeping the lines of communication open’ really is the answer:

• Watch their soaps with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs.

• Check that they really do have proper information – what did the school nurse say about contraception in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE)?

• What can your daughter tell you about sexually transmitted infections? (There are lots of new ones since most parents were young. Let your daughter be the expert in giving you that information.)

Tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences. Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? How did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia, or worse? The papers are full of stories about ‘love cheats’, but how did that feel when it happened to you?

Let them know why and when you are worried. Sex was designed by nature to produce babies. Pleasing a current boyfriend is one thing; raising his child for the next 20 years is quite another. On the other hand, pelvic inflammatory disease can lead to infertility, and no babies at all, ever, can be devastating.

Don’t sit down for a two-hour ‘birds and bees’ session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than it might otherwise be.

What should I be telling my daughter about sex, and when?

The recent debate about sex education and what should/shouldn’t be taught in schools, including the discussion about how much choice faith schools should have in what they teach, may have struck a chord with parents who are themselves debating what they should be talking to their daughters about, and when.

Sex and relationships education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. A 2009 survey commissioned by the Girls’ Schools Association entitled ‘How Well Do You Know your Daughter?’ identified that across the sample of the 1,000 parents of girls who responded, sex education was the most difficult topic of conversation of all. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy. So what should you tell your daughters, and when, and how might this dovetail with what they may be learning at school?

Firstly, ensure you know what your daughter’s school is covering and at what stage. Usually, Sex and Relationships Education (SRE), as it is now often called, will be included in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE). This will be complemented by what pupils might learn about reproduction in Science or Biology, but it is important that young people receive more than just the biological facts. It is in the emotional repercussions of becoming aware of, and interested in, the opposite (or same) sex that is where the real need for learning and information arises. If we do not provide this in our schools and families, girls, in particular, will turn to some of the dubious teenage magazines on the market, or ‘soaps’, in their attempt to find the answers.

PSHE is a subject focusing on a range of issues beyond the formal curriculum that young people need to learn in order to lead healthy, balanced lives. The content of a school’s PSHE programme will be suited to the pupil’s age and stage of development. A well thought out and professionally delivered PSHE programme will help young people to develop their skills so that in time they can make their own informed choices. It should provide accurate information and a safe forum within which to explore values and attitudes, guarding against misinformation and intolerance. Ask your daughter’s school for details so that you are aware of how SRE fits into the overall PSHE scheme.

At junior school level, perhaps from Year 3 (age 7) onwards, it may be that SRE focuses on the ‘relationships’ element, building on what the children know about friendships and families. They may be encouraged to reflect on and learn more about feelings and behaviour. When discussing families, they may well have the opportunity to consider the different kinds of family that we find in contemporary society, and there may be some exploration into how to cope with changes in our families, something that growing numbers of children need to learn. At age 7 onwards, children may also be taught the correct names for all parts of the human body. Later in the primary school years, girls may learn about growing and changing, about puberty and what this means, the onset of menstruation and how feelings change with the arrival of adolescence. By the end of Year 6 (age 11) and the last year of primary education, it is probable that pupils have received lessons about love and what a loving relationship is, the part that sex plays within a loving relationship and basic information about sexual intercourse, ‘safe sex’, birth control and birth itself.

If you have a daughter of junior school age and you know what is being discussed in SRE and at what stage, you can supplement this in your own conversations with her, find out what she feels about the things she is learning and whether she has any questions about them. It should be possible to do this naturally and relatively easily, without the sense that you are having an ‘important discussion’ and telling her things for the first time.

Parents can request that their daughters are withdrawn from SRE lessons if they feel uncomfortable about what is taught, how it is taught and at what age, and parents who wish to do so should contact the school to discuss it – but be careful. We may feel a natural impulse to protect our children and to worry about them growing up too quickly. However, we do have to accept that ignorance is much more harmful than knowledge, that this curriculum is all about giving children information to help them to make wise choices, and that ultimately we have to educate children rather than try to shield them. We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children. In addition, consider how your daughter might feel if the other children realise she is sitting out of these lessons.

As girls move through the secondary school years from age 11 onwards, these topics are likely to be revisited in an age-appropriate way so that girls are helped to understand the changes in their bodies and emotions. They need to develop healthy self-esteem and the confidence to resist negative peer pressure, or pressure they may feel from the way in which sex and relationships are portrayed in the media. They should develop the range of skills they need to make choices and decisions they feel comfortable with at the right time for them. They will learn about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and women’s health issues. Again, talk to your children about what they are learning and how they feel about it. You may well find they are far better informed than you were at the same age.

In summary, good schools and caring parents help to construct a responsible framework within which our sons and daughters will make their own choices and decisions, and even, at times, their own mistakes. Parents know we cannot live their lives for them, but by communicating openly with them and working together with our children’s schools, we can educate them wisely, and nowhere is this more important than in their education about happy and healthy relationships.

Why haven’t I got a boyfriend?

Why do girls feel the pressure to have boyfriends earlier than parents might wish? The problem may be that girls often want to conform. They don’t want to stand out, which can lead to them wanting to wear the same clothes, follow the same music and share the same enthusiasms as their peers. Having a boyfriend can seem like a badge of honour – something those they admire and look up to have – and they want to be included in this particular club. They want to prove that they’re ‘normal’ – that they are as popular and attractive as other girls. It’s also a trend, like following a fashion. It gives them something to talk to other girls about. It adds drama to their lives and it imitates adult behaviour.

Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends (and attracting the envy of those who are still outside this ‘magic circle’) is important to them. But as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together. It isn’t a question of first wanting a boyfriend and second seeing who is available who might fill the vacancy.

Girls have to be able to feel sufficiently good about themselves, to value themselves enough, to wait until the time is right. They need to be supported to resist the pressure to measure their popularity according to whether or not they have a boyfriend. Help them to see what you value them for – to appreciate their own qualities – and how they owe it to themselves to wait for the right person and the right time. It will be worth it.

I’ve got something to tell you . . .

‘How can I tell Ben I don’t want to see him any more?’ It’s easy, isn’t it, to respond to this question in a supportive and practical way. ‘How can I tell him I like somebody else?’ This takes more careful thinking. ‘How do I tell him that “somebody else” is another girl?’ This may be more challenging than anything you have experienced before.

When you have already seen your daughter through several romances, of varying levels of seriousness, this one may come as a shock, to say the least. The young person that you thought you ‘knew’ suddenly shows a facet to her personality that is totally unexpected and alien. The temptation is to think that she is not the daughter you thought she was. This is, of course, not true. She is still ‘yours’, still the same person, still the same member of your family. She has merely taken a different turning off the road that you had envisaged for her. It might be a little rockier, but that’s all! It is your role to make sure that she knows you are still there to help her to navigate.

It is a fact that teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. This struggle can be a painful one for some young people who cannot reconcile their feelings to what is regarded as ‘normal’. As parents, we have grown to have expectations of our children in all aspects of life. We expect them to exhibit social behaviour that is acceptable; we expect them to achieve their full educational potential; we expect them to develop personal and social skills that will help them to make their way in society. How much of this is expecting them to ‘conform’ to the traditional conventions of society that were relevant in our teenage years? It has taken a long time for our society to learn to accept other ‘differences’ within our midst – disability, gender and race equality. Why should a person’s sexuality be any different?

There is a strong need for young people to know that we understand their feelings and are willing to help them through what is, inevitably, a confusing time for them. We have to be comfortable in helping them to explore or come to terms with how they feel about themselves. In doing so, we may also need our own support. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are not the first parent to be faced with this challenge; there are many local and national support groups, or you may even find unexpected reassurance from friends and family. Parents of gay and lesbian young people are a great ‘listening ear’. They have heard all the worries, concerns, prejudices and anxieties before and have probably experienced them themselves.