Your Daughter

• both of you should reassure her that while your relationship has failed, your love for her is constant and continuing

Some parents seek the support of a family mediator to facilitate their communication with each other and with their children. A family mediator usually has legal or therapeutic training. They are completely independent, as they do not advise either parent individually. They do not judge the issues or impose solutions. Instead, they are able to work with both parents face to face to help see issues from the viewpoints of each child and to focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past. Mediation can help to manage the practical arrangements associated with children keeping in contact with the parent they no longer live with. While mediation is a confidential and private process, just think what a powerful message you send to your daughter by demonstrating that to sort out difficult issues, the best way is to sit down and talk about them rather than to fight.

If your daughter is having significant problems handling your relationship breakdown, consider finding someone for her to talk to, perhaps a friend of the family or a counsellor. Do keep her school informed of the situation so that her teachers can support her. They will have experience of the potential impact on your daughter and will be able to provide a safe environment for her.

Bereavement

Death is an unavoidable part of life. With death comes loss and grief, anger and disbelief.

Most of us think of bereavement as occurring primarily on the death of a loved one, but there are other kinds of bereavement. These can include difficult situations, such as when parents separate or divorce, when chronic illness becomes a reality in the home, when physical, sexual or emotional abuse is happening to a child, or even when a good friend moves away.

Feelings of bereavement can also happen when seemingly wonderful circumstances cause big changes to children’s lives, such as adoption into a family, the birth of a new sibling, or the arrival of a step-parent.

Be aware that every child will respond to situations of change and loss quite differently. Your daughter may appear to adjust on her own to a significant bereavement such as the loss of a grandparent, or she may be devastated by a seemingly minor loss like the death of a pet.

Although children see loss, death and disaster on television, in films, on the internet and in books and magazines, we tend not to talk to them about the fact of death. Our generation doesn’t ‘do’ death.

The guidance below should help in dealing with bereavement with your daughter. There are some further suggestions for sources of support at the back of this book.

• Never assume that your daughter will react to loss in the same way as you. Don’t think that if she isn’t crying, she isn’t sad. We each have a different way of handling bereavement, and this should be respected. This is particularly important if you are also grieving.

• Don’t feel as though you always need to say something deeply meaningful to her; it’s enough just to be there, simply to listen or to hug her. Laugh with her; give her a chance to rant and rage; sit quietly next to her; let her cry without embarrassment or even cry with her. Ask her what she needs. She will appreciate being asked, even if her response is, ‘I don’t know yet.’ Accept that, and let her know that you’ll still be there when she does.

• Don’t forget to look after yourself while you are looking after your daughter in bereavement, because every carer needs a carer.

• Try to resist saying, ‘I know what you are going through; I understand what you are feeling.’ Although you are trying to sympathise, your daughter is likely to say, ‘No, you don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand how I am feeling. And you don’t know what I’m going through.’ And if you get it wrong and say or do something which upsets your daughter, apologise, say sorry and begin again.

A word about pets:

Don’t forget that your daughter’s first brush with deep grief may be the death of a pet. Don’t tell her she can get another kitten, however logical that may seem. Be aware that her bereavement is very similar to the bereavement encountered at the passing of a beloved person.

A word on grieving children attending funerals:

Every family must decide whether to allow a grieving child to attend a funeral. A child may feel real anger if she is prevented from attending a significant funeral ‘for her own good’. Children appreciate ritual; they need a chance to express grief publicly, as well as an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. Sit down with your child, tell her what happens at a funeral and what she might see and hear at one. Do try, if at all possible, to include your child in the decision-making process of whether or not she should attend.

It is very important to inform your daughter’s school if she suffers any significant loss. Staff will be experienced in supporting grieving children and can offer both of you support and advice. How and what you would like the school to reveal to your daughter’s classmates needs to be carefully considered and will depend on her age.

There is a wealth of material about loss, grief and bereavement in children and young people, including Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death with Under Elevens by Barbara Ward and associates. Other resources on bereavement care can be had by contacting your NHS Trust and specialist groups like Winston’s Wish. Additional useful leaflets and educational documents on childhood bereavement are also available from many local children’s hospices and county bereavement networks.

Bereavement and the role of schools

Every time we hear about the untimely death of a parent or child – for example, the victim of a fatal car accident, a heart attack or the fight lost to a terminal illness – our thoughts are very much with the surviving parent and the children who have lost a mother or father.

We try to imagine the enormity of the loss, of the disappearance of the source of love, of the need to come to terms with the fact that life will never be the same. Some people have a strong extended family; others have a close network of friends who provide emotional and practical support. But in spite of this, understanding and dealing with loss can be a lonely and bewildering business, even for the best-supported individual.

According to Winston’s Wish (a remarkable charity which exists to support children who have lost a parent or a sibling), every 22 minutes a child in Britain is bereaved of a parent. This equates to 24,000 new children each year learning to live with a powerful range of confusing and conflicting emotions. Bottled up, these emotions can have damaging consequences in later life for the individual, their family and society as a whole.

Schools have an important role to play in supporting children who have been bereaved. The familiar routine of school is in itself a consolation to the bereaved child whose life has ceased to be normal. At the same time, teachers and other staff in caring roles, together with friends, need to accept that bereaved children, especially adolescents, will have mood swings and periods during which they challenge the importance of studying, rules and making much of an effort to look neat. This loss of drive and purpose is completely understandable and may also be accompanied by a sense of anger at the sibling or parent who has gone and resentment that they are now ‘different’ from their peers. The challenge for staff is to judge how much and for how long to tolerate sullen or uncooperative behaviour. Great patience and empathy are required when a child has retreated into herself, and these barriers are hard to penetrate. Time, of course, is a healer, but ensuring that a child has grieved with the support of bereavement counselling is incredibly important. Good communication between staff is vital so that, for example, Religious Studies and English teachers are mindful of the sensitivities associated with studying certain topics or texts while being aware that these may provide a helpful vehicle for expressing emotions. On a more practical level, schools are adept at providing additional coaching, from assisting with catch-up work to writing to the examination boards to seek special consideration for their candidate.

Schools also need to support the friends of someone who has experienced bereavement, and on rare but tragic occasions to cope with the death of a current pupil. Friends can be the mainstay of someone’s emergence from grief, their loyalty being a source of hope, but these friends need the discreet support of the pastoral staff in handling their friend and her mood swings. Friends can sometimes be the ones to alert staff to worrying behaviour – for example, bleak thoughts posted on Facebook – but they must also not feel guilty if they need to detach themselves from the bereaved friend and get on with their own lives. They may be more use to her in this way.

When the whole school is involved in a tragedy, staff and pupils will invariably be magnificent in thinking and acting with moving sensitivity, reaching out to the extended family, as well as being resourceful. Depending on the situation, the support needs to extend through the months ahead, and it can be some time before life is back to anything resembling normal. Although no one would ever wish for such tragedies, they can bind together a community, reaffirm our humanity and remind everyone of a school’s role in giving hope, even in the face of grief and adversity.

Sibling rivalry

Children frequently learn about emotions through their relationships with their siblings. Issues of conflict, friendship, social skills and, above all, how to form relationships with others are developed in childhood and can have far-reaching consequences for your daughter throughout her childhood, teenage years and indeed whole life. Sibling rivalry can last into adulthood and can be acted out over and over again in future relationships. Therefore, as parents it is important to consider your actions and how your behaviour impacts upon your daughter and your other children. This is why it is essential for parents to demonstrate consistency within the rules and structure of a family and to avoid favouring any one child.

Noel Janis-Norton, cited in Cassandra Jardine’s How to be a Better Parent, believes that sibling rivalry is natural, and indeed even beneficial, in ensuring that children learn to share, take turns, learn tolerance and know how to handle disagreements. She advises parents not to intervene in sibling squabbles, but to tell children to take their arguments elsewhere and sort out the problem themselves, alongside the basic rule that no throwing is allowed so that nothing can be turned into a weapon of any kind! This may sound like radical advice, but children do need to learn the skills to sort out their own problems and need to learn how to resolve an argument amicably. If an argument becomes too great and there is violence and real aggression, then try doing as schools do – get the children together, with you as a facilitator, and spend some time talking through the disagreement, listening to your children and helping them to listen to each other, resolve the argument and apologise to one another.

As a parent, it is important to make time for each individual child and to give her quality time with you, ideally doing something you both enjoy. If you treat your children as individuals in their own right, they will have less need to compete for your attention with their siblings.

A new sibling

The first child is always the trailblazer, but she is also the one with whom parents first learn how to be parents. New parents are often anxious with their first child and perhaps also a touch overindulgent. It is important to teach your first child to be self-reliant, to learn how to play by herself and how to enjoy her own company. When you know you are going to have a new sibling for your firstborn, ensure that you prepare her for this. Then, once her sibling is born, give your older child even more attention so that she does not feel marginalised.

All siblings need to be treated as individuals and have their different temperaments recognised and appreciated. Older siblings will often take on the role of the teacher/helper. An older sister can often be bossier than her siblings and enjoys telling her younger brothers and/or sisters what to do. She may continue this role into later life.

The second child is less likely to get as much attention as the first and has to adapt more readily to her role as the additional child within the family. This tends to mean that the second child can be more amenable and tolerant than the older sibling. She has to fit in with the already established routines of the family and she also learns very early on that there is another child with needs and requirements.

The rules around consistency are key here. It is imperative that you ensure your daughter knows which behaviour is acceptable and which behaviour is not and that you are firm and clear about this. For example, if your toddler bites her new sibling, you may choose to punish her by giving her a ‘time out’ on the naughty step. However, older toddlers may like to be helpful and can be keen to assist by bringing you things to help you with the baby. Do ensure that you make time for both your children – for example, while feeding the new baby, you could read a story to your toddler. There are many books on this subject (e.g. New Toddler Taming, by Christopher Green) and your health visitor can also offer useful advice.

Try to continue to give quality time to each of your children. It is hard work, and some quality time for the adults doesn’t go amiss either.

Older children

As your children grow older and reach school age, family patterns can become even more entrenched. The squabbles and fights between children will continue and can be over all sorts of things: television watching, toy ownership or whose turn it is to use the computer. As the parent, you must ensure that the rules are clear to the children – rules about bedtime, television watching and computer access – and you must ensure that your sanctions are consistent. Work with your partner so that the children know not to play you off against one another. Children will cleverly look for any chinks in their parents’ armour – unite with your partner so that the children know that the adults remain in charge.

Younger children often mimic older ones. So, for example, in a family with more than two children, where there are teenagers beginning to push the boundaries, with different rules because of their ages, a younger sibling may begin to feel that she, too, should be allowed to do the same. As a parent, you need to make it clear that the older children have privileges because of their ages, and that she has different rules.

Your children are all different from one another and you need to celebrate those differences while maintaining harmony within the family. Simple in theory, but in practice, there will be arguments, fights and jealousies and these are part of normal family life. Consistency at all times and quality time for each individual child are essential.

Consistency and communication

As in any relationship – parent to child or parent to parent – of key concern is communication. Parents need always to maintain communication with their children as well as with one another. Parents need to try to remain impartial when there is sibling conflict, while retaining sensitivity to the needs of each individual child. They also need to be aware that the dynamic within the nuclear family affects each relationship within it as well as all the relationships that will stem from it in the future.

Struggling?

There are numerous ways in which you can gain extra help or support with your children. Your first port of call is likely to be your partner, parents or close friends. Do talk to them and ask for advice. Also, read widely, talk to your friends with children of a similar age and scour websites, such as www.MyDaughter. co.uk or www.Mumsnet.com. Perhaps attend a parenting class if you are finding parenting difficult. Finally, if you find that sibling rivalry within your family is having a detrimental impact on you all, ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist for some help and support.

Although relationships between siblings can be complex, they can also be incredibly rewarding and supportive. Siblings can form a close bond and develop friendships that last a lifetime. Hopefully your children will be able to form positive and happy relationships with their siblings, in turn enabling them to develop secure, warm and fulfilling relationships with others in the future.

The role of grandparents

The role of grandparents in your daughter’s life cannot be underestimated. A grandparent – and often the grandmother, in the case of a daughter – can be a crucial support for both daughters and mothers, as she straddles both generations and can be a useful provider of both wisdom and experience.

At various stages in your daughter’s life, grandparents can take on a significant role. Today, it is relatively common for grandparents to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives from an early age, as grandparents are asked by their daughters to take on childcare responsibilities, instead of resorting to a nanny or daycare. Although this can be exhausting for the grandparents, it can also bring huge rewards. This set-up also provides a continuity of childcare throughout the generations as well as the passing on of a similar value system and moral code. A close relationship is forged between the child and the grandparent during the child’s formative years, and this bond lasts a lifetime.

As your daughter grows up, grandparents can offer advice and support to you as a parent on the challenges of parenting, especially during the teenage years. It is also helpful as a parent to be reminded of your own teenage behaviour once upon a time! Girls can call on their grandmothers for advice about any number of things – from asking questions about various homework assignments, to calling up to chat about issues that they do not necessarily want to discuss with their own parent. A grandparent can offer a more objective voice at times and will often back up the parent in a subtle and supportive way.

In an ideal world, it is recommended that you try to ensure your daughter spends regular and quality time with her grandparents. The grandparent–grandchild relationship is an especially precious one and it should be nurtured and developed into a mutually rewarding experience for all parties concerned.

Tricky situations

Separation

In the case of a recent separation or divorce between two parents, your daughter is often suffering greatly and she cannot always understand the problems of an adult world. At this time, grandparents can step in and offer valuable additional support, as well as the provision of another place where your daughter can feel safe and secure. Encourage your daughter to turn to her grandparents when necessary; allow her to simply be a grandchild, to feel loved and occasionally spoilt; and let her know there is somewhere else where she can go and process her emotions. If you are going through a marital break-up as a parent, do allow your own parents to support you and your children. Their support for the whole family cannot be underestimated. Swallow your pride and allow them to take on this role for all of you. Your parents love you, just as you love your own children, and they will do their utmost to help you through the most difficult of situations.

Difficult grandparents

The world is made up of very different people with different expectations and value systems. Sometimes, your child’s grandparents do not share your views on life and parenting techniques. This can occasionally be the case with the ‘in-laws’, but it is important to try to forge a relationship with your child’s grandparents, even if they are difficult. Establish ground rules as early as you can and try to stick to them. For example, try to set up a monthly visit to allow them to see their grandchildren. You can decide where and when you should meet. Try to agree on a set of rules regarding your parenting rules and theirs.

If there are difficulties with your in-laws, do discuss this with your partner as sensitively as you can so that you both work together for the benefit of your children. However, if you find that the visits are unbearable, try to seek some professional help– for example, from a family therapist – to see whether you can facilitate some regular contact for the sake of your children. As your children grow older, you don’t want them to criticise you as a parent for depriving them of their grandparents; equally, as your children grow into their teenage years and beyond, they will begin to be able to make their own decisions about whether they want to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Geography

Gone are the days when extended families lived close together, and distance can make the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren very complicated. If your daughter’s grandparents live far away, encourage them to maintain regular contact by telephone, email or even Skype or Facebook! Your daughter can teach her grandparents to work out the new technologies – just as a 10-year-old girl can teach her 70-year-old grandmother to text!

As with all long-distance relationships, when your child’s grandparents live far away, the time spent together is often intense due to the infrequency of the visits. Do make allowances for the visiting grandparents and try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Research local activities in your area, find out what is on at the cinema and save up some enjoyable outings to do together whenever a visit comes up. In this way, both parties can look forward to the visit with excitement.

As your daughter grows up, try to develop a relationship in which she can spend quality time with her grandparents, such as a weekend away. In addition to a lovely time between granddaughter and grandparents, this also provides the additional perk of some much needed respite for the parents!

Working grandparents

Many grandparents still work full time, which means that their time is limited and they may not be able to take on the additional responsibilities of looking after grandchildren. It is important to respect working grandparents and not to assume that they are available at your beck and call. They have done their childrearing and they are not obliged to do it a second time around! Most working grandparents will be amenable to being the ‘back-up’ and will welcome quality time with their grandchildren, but on their own terms. Remember, what is crucial in all relationships is the need to communicate clearly and to be respectful of one another.

Family Life and Homework

Maintaining happy families – how to avoid the homework fights

From her very first reading book to her A level essays, your daughter will have work to do at home. But how best to help her without it becoming the all too familiar burden that can blight the whole family’s evenings and weekends? Bearing in mind that perhaps your daughter may have a long journey to school, she needs to eat and have time for other interests and the opportunity to ‘flop’ – and there are family commitments that need to be fitted in. How can you make homework work for both her and you?

As with many situations as a parent, you need to perform a balancing act – to be supportive but not to interfere! Here are some tips to help keep you on track:

• Remember, each of us works differently. Some like to get work out of the way and then relax, others work better if they’ve relaxed first. If your daughter is one of the latter, no amount of nagging will get her to work efficiently before she’s had a chance to relax.