Your Daughter

Don’t expect an easy journey. There will be times when doubts and fears come to mind – but these will always come as part of being a parent. In the long run you must be secure in the knowledge that your daughter will be with someone she cares for and who cares for her and that she has the confidence to deal with some of the difficult issues she may face. After all, not everybody she meets will be as understanding as parents are. Never close the conversations that need to be had, ask to hear the truth from your daughter, and make sure that she is happy to hear the truth from you. For more information and support see the relevant websites listed at the back of this book.

Sexual relationships Q&A

Q: My 13-year-old daughter says she has a boyfriend — isn’t she too young?

A: It all depends on what your daughter means when she says that she has a boyfriend. Relationships with the opposite sex will blossom from puberty onwards; what is important is that your daughter has the tools both to deal with the attendant strong emotions and to say ‘no’ to the development of a sexual element at this early age. Parents often find it difficult to talk to their daughters about sex; try reading a down-to-earth leaflet for parents produced by Parentlineplus, entitled Keeping your Teenager Safe: Talking about Relationships. If you find that you need further support, consult their helpline at www.parent-lineplus.org.uk.

My daughter’s boyfriend is taking over her life

Q: My daughter has a boyfriend who has completely taken over her life. She doesn’t see any of her school friends socially, which means that she now feels ‘isolated’ at school, and this has led to truanting. The school has been very understanding, but I am afraid that they will eventually lose patience. The teachers have given her a great deal of support, and she was set a lot of work to catch up on over the summer. I was hoping that the summer holiday would give time for her to reconnect with her friends, but instead it has made the position worse! She self-harms, which, coupled with the fact that she is incredibly emotional, makes trying to have a sensible conversation about any of the issues lead to shouting, slammed doors and her storming out of the house. She has now started her GCSE year (Year 11) and keeps trying to reassure me that she will work hard, but I have heard these promises before, and they have been broken every time. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

A: Try to engage external help in the form of counselling, as this is not really about your daughter’s boyfriend, but rather about how she feels about herself and her life — her lack of self-love — and neither you nor she is going to be able to resolve this situation alone. How, though, can you make your daughter see a counsellor? Firstly, go to the school again, and talk about the issues that most concern you. You certainly need the school to adopt a tougher line with your daughter, in order to help support you — they should be less understanding about the truanting and more insistent upon her following the rules; if she truants, she should make up the time — she has to see that her actions have consequences. Does the school know about your daughter’s self-harming? If not, you should tell them — some schools have a policy of not permitting pupils to be in school if they self-harm until they have a proper counselling course in place to support them and help them to recover. You need all the pressure you can find to bring to bear on your daughter to ensure that she sees a counsellor — sometimes the threat of not being allowed in school can be enough of a shock to make girls toe the line in this respect. In the past, you may have found yourself apologising for your daughter’s behaviour to the school, and asking for their forgiveness and understanding, and they may have taken their lead from you; now, however, is the time for rm boundaries, which your daughter will actually crave, and together you will be stronger. Moreover, the school may have some good ideas about potential counsellors experienced in dealing with teenagers; failing this, ask your GP. Don’t blame yourself— teenagers are complex beings, and she needs someone who is trained to help her see why she is behaving in the way she is, and to help her address how she feels. This is worth investing in — and now.

Vampire books — harmless fantasy or an inappropriate subject?

Q: My 14-year-old daughter has just been given the book Marked by P. C. Cast (it’s a vampire novel — she likes the Twilight series). I’ve just read it and don’t like the fact it has some sexual content. Also, like some other vampire books, blood lust and sex are connected, and I think it’s inappropriate for her age. I’m not sure how to deal with this, as someone else gave it to her. Am I being naive in assuming she won’t understand the sexual references?

A: Discuss your concerns with your daughter. The book does have some bad language and sexual content but, rather like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it’s the combination of a high school setting and teenage preoccupations with the supernatural that makes it appealing to young readers, and many girls of your daughter’s age are likely to be reading this type of book.

On the positive side, the book does contain a moral message about the inadvisability and dangers of casual sex, drink and drugs — but there is some titillation, too, and girls will be attracted to it because of the risqué nature of some of the references. It’s similar to the issue of what girls need to be taught about sex and relationships. Ignorance is the most dangerous thing of all, and at least the book isn’t presenting casual sex as ‘cool’. Girls are interested in the emotional repercussions of becoming interested in the opposite sex and they will enjoy the vicarious thrill of the romantic episodes. It is likely that many 14-year-olds will understand the sexual references, though younger girls might not and should probably be discouraged from reading it.

If the book was a gift from a family friend, perhaps let the buyer know of your reservations — especially as this is one of a series of six books and if they think the gift is a success, this might happen several more times! However, censorship is a dif cult issue — and we can’t protect our children from the realities of the world. We just have to educate them and communicate clearly and openly so they make their own choices as best they can.

I think my daughter and her boyfriend are getting serious

Q: My daughter (aged 15+) has just started going out with her first boyfriend. Although we have discussed sex issues in the past, it has only been about Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). How do I broach a chat about sex in relation to her own ideas of how she might behave in a relationship? I don’t want to embarrass her, but I feel it would be irresponsible not to speak to her.

A: This is indeed a test of your courage. You could start by telling her it is not an easy conversation, as you do not want to invade her privacy, but that you love her, and each generation can at least consider the advice of the one before, even if they do not take it.

She will do what she and her boyfriend want to do — but if he is young, too, and you get the feeling that they are contemplating sex, you could point out that they might both prefer to wait — discuss in what other ways they can enjoy time together. If he is older, it is even more important to discuss why it is illegal for them to have sex, and be much more discouraging generally, as she is at risk of being persuaded by a more mature sexual partner. Do discuss the age of consent with her and ensure that she realises it is there as a child protection measure. It is helpful for her to know your views, as long as she also knows that you are not trying to control her. She may well share her own views, and such a discussion may increase her confidence in expressing them to him in a discussion.

Encourage her to think about the emotional issues that come with a romantic and sexual relationship, and how she and her boyfriend can protect themselves from the possible downsides (loss of freedom in deciding how to spend their time without reference to the other, likelihood of collapse of the romance as they each grow up, worry over pregnancy and possible disease, etc.) and think about the fun of romance without a full sexual relationship, which can have most of the advantages without the snags at this age.

Don’t give them too much time alone together — parents have real responsibilities here. Warn her about the impact of alcohol on decision-making and that a large minority of pregnancies result from occasions when no sex was planned, but instead happened when one or both partners were a bit drunk. Her reputation matters here, too — other people respect someone who respects their own behaviour, and news spreads. Whatever the result of open discussions like this, you would be wise to be prepared and suggest they visit the Family Planning Association website (www.fpa.org.uk) or similar websites.

It sounds as though you have correctly realised that it is the way we all treat each other that matters. As such, your daughter should ensure she is making her decisions in the emotional context of not putting pressure on her boyfriend, or he on her, and that the two of them can together behave in ways that give them the greatest happiness in a sensible form, and do the least damage to each separately when things change for them in the future. Make sure you emphasise that she can always ask you for advice or support, however embarrassed she might be. You will have shown her that you love her enough to have this first conversation now, however embarrassed you were to start it.

Chapter 2

Growing up

Your daughter may start her life as a bold, brave tomboy, as a shy sensitive soul or as a dancing princess. As she grows she may well be all of these and more. As she explores her potential, her enthusiasms and her capabilities, how will you help her value herself for who she is rather than who she thinks she ought to be?

To acquire the self esteem that is essential for her emotional health and success she needs your guidance to discover her strengths, whether they are academic or sporting, social or emotional. She needs your help to deal with the inevitable disappointments and failures. She needs your encouragement to take risks so she can become brave, resilient and realistic.

Alcohol and Drugs

Your daughter is likely to face social pressures as she matures, including being urged to drink alcohol and perhaps to take drugs. She is most likely to be able to make sensible, informed decisions if she has good self-esteem and a strong sense of self-worth. By setting a good example and by communicating frequently in a non-judgemental way you will give her the best chance of keeping herself safe and maintaining her personal integrity. The media is full of poor role models and of stories of teenagers’ bad behaviour; by talking to her you can explain your concerns in a calm and loving way so that she will come to you first when she is worried or feeling pressured.

Teenagers and alcohol

Why has teenage drinking increased so dramatically – and, at times, so dangerously – in recent years? If it is because our children have low self-esteem, lack of social confidence or have some other deep-seated psychological issues, the underlying cause must be found and dealt with.

For the majority of teenage carousers, however, it isn’t anything serious – it’s just those ever-present favourite motivators for nearly all teenage behaviour, ‘having a laugh’, appearing ‘cool’ and being incapable of predicting consequences.

We can tell them until we are blue in the face that getting drunk is dangerous, causes road accidents (pedestrians as well as drivers), leads to people doing all sorts of things they’ll be embarrassed about for a long time to come and for girls can often be a factor in rape or sexual assault, but they are unlikely to pay much attention.

As usual, the tactic that won’t work is a lecture on irresponsible behaviour. Instead, try to think laterally:

• Do they want to have fun, be silly and let their hair down? Instead, how about a day at a theme park, laser tag, a visit to a racecourse or dog track, quad biking or abseiling?

• Do they want to feel adult and sophisticated? Instead, how about cocktails with all the trimmings but no alcohol? How about a group of parents hiring a disco for the kids? How about a party with great dance tracks and a punch that is rumoured to contain vodka? (Of course, it doesn’t, but you wouldn’t be the first parents to carry off that particular white lie!)

It is often suggested that allowing children a small amount of alcohol at home (the French wine and water model) can help to deglamorise later drinking at clubs. A good Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE) programme at school should give teenagers plenty to think about as well as some hard information on the contents of alcopops and the potentially lethal combined effect of vodka and Red Bull, etc. If real shock tactics are called for, you could make them stay sober at a party where everyone else is drinking, or video them while under the influence themselves. It’s not funny the next day.

Getting drunk is not a phenomenon that is new to the present generation and making mistakes is part of growing up. However, we must try to protect our youngsters against making mistakes that could affect their lives permanently.

Teenage parties and alcohol

Most parents are worried about their children coming into contact with drugs, but the real social evil is alcohol. With spirits retailing at less than £10 a bottle in supermarkets, most teenagers can afford to pick up a bottle with their pocket money. Fake IDs are routine, and there is usually an older teen around to effect the transaction. The prevalence of alcopops has taken away one of the greatest bars on teenage drinking – the taste. Most young teenagers don’t like the taste of beer, wine or cider. Alcopops vary in their alcoholic content, but they appeal to those with a sweet tooth, go down like fizzy drinks and have become an entry level to drinking spirits. It is no surprise that teenage drinking is now a national problem.

The world of teenage parties and alcohol is one of the most difficult situations that parents face. Children will always try to play parents off against each other – ‘So-and-so’s parents let them, you are SO tight!’ – and the consequence is that it is tempting for parents to default to the level of the most liberal of parents. It is important that parents establish good lines of communication between each other and that they are clear about a number of keys issues, namely:

• at what age alcohol will be available

• the amount and type of alcohol that will be provided

• what levels of supervision will be in place throughout a party If alcohol is to be allowed at a party, limit access to wines and beers only (e.g. no spirits). Although alcopops, which are particularly popular with girls, blur the spirit/non-spirit divide, at least they are a ‘measured’ drink. A strong, active adult presence at all teenage parties is essential. ‘Policing’ duties range from excluding gate-crashers to being alert to ‘smuggled in’ illicit additional supplies of alcohol. A minimum of three adults at a ratio of one adult to ten teenagers should provide a good level of supervision and sufficient cover if anything goes wrong.

Alcohol is a normal part of adult society, and it is important that young people learn to drink responsibly. This skill is best taught in the home, with parents perhaps offering a glass of wine with a meal or when at a family gathering. Supervision is the key. The greatest dangers come when teenagers are given an opportunity to have access to alcohol – especially spirits – away from the home or behind closed doors.

Most importantly, parents should not underestimate the part that we play as role models to our children. Young people will pay more attention to what we do than to what we say.

Alcohol — how to spot if your child is drinking too much, the signs and how to tackle them

We should be under no illusions – alcohol can be extremely dangerous for children and teenagers, and you are right to be concerned if you think that your child is drinking. While a single glass of wine for a 16-year-old at a family dinner can help your children to understand the boundaries of social drinking, illicit binge drinking, especially of spirits, is damaging to a child’s health, can be life-threatening and can lead to extremely risky behaviour. Figures vary, but it is estimated that up to 80 per cent of early sexual experiences occur under the influence of alcohol, and the vast majority of these experiences are subsequently regretted.

So what can you do to protect your daughter? The first thing, of course, is to know if she is drinking and to do this you need to be very aware of where she is at all times. If she is out with friends, then always make sure that you see her on her return and engage her in conversation. If she smells of alcohol, or strongly of mints or of perfume, then you are right to be suspicious. Keep her talking and you will be able to see if there is any difference in her behaviour – is she chattier or more volatile than usual? If you are worried that you don’t know whether your child is drinking too much, then remember this: the safest approach is that any unsupervised alcohol is too much.

Don’t be naive about parties, even those supervised by other parents. Children – teenagers especially, and even the most law-abiding and delightful ones – need to try to break the rules and are extraordinarily ingenious when it comes to doing so. Drink can easily be smuggled into houses, and innocent-looking water bottles can easily contain vodka. Parties with sleepovers usually mean that parents go to bed before their charges, and it is then that the hidden stash of wine or spirits can appear. Share your concerns with the people supervising the party, talk to your daughter to set out your expectations and follow this up. If you are in any doubt about the party, put your foot down – hard though this will be – and weather the storm (but replace it with something else amazing to do instead with you and your family).

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