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Jake was taken aback. “Are you saying I can’t take care of my son because I’m a man?”
“I’m saying Ben needs a loving, stable environment and I’m not sure you can provide that.”
“I see,” he said slowly. “Then there’s only one recourse left.”
“What’s that?”
“To show you that I can provide that.” He moved toward his truck. “I’ll be back tomorrow. Set it up. Same as today.”
“Mr. McCain, that’s very arrogant and I—”
“Do it,” he interrupted. “I’ll wait for your call.”
Jake drove away feeling as if he’d won this battle, but the war was far from over. There was no doubt that he wanted his son. All those fears inside him had dissipated when he saw the face of his child. Now he’d fight for him, because Jake knew in his heart what was best for Ben—to be raised by his father.
He had to learn about Ben’s medical problems, how to care for him. That would take time, but he could do it. He felt confident about that now.
THE DRIVE HOME WAS LONG but he hardly noticed. He thought about Ben…and Elise. She kept intruding even though he tried not to think about her. He wanted to tell her about Ben, to share this with her, but that wasn’t going to happen, so he’d better get accustomed to the idea of being a single father.
As he neared Marlin, his cell phone rang. He picked it up and heard the voice that had been humming through his head.
“Jake, it’s Elise,” she said. “You left some things and I have them ready for you to pick up.”
Getting rid of all the evidence that he’d ever lived in her house, he thought, but he replied, “I’m not far from your place. I can stop by now and get them.” He was such a glutton for punishment. He was closer to the farm than he was to her place. Why didn’t he tell her to throw the things out? He didn’t need them. Still, he didn’t like the way they’d parted and he hoped they could end the marriage amicably. Maybe this was his chance to do that.
“Oh, that’s fine,” she was saying. “I’ll see you, then.”
As he clicked off, he wondered if she’d done anything about a divorce. He couldn’t help thinking, though, that a divorce was the last thing he wanted. Not today—not ever.
SHE’D DONE IT, ELISE TOLD herself. The clothes were just an excuse to see him, to talk to him. She wasn’t uncaring and insensitive to his needs and she had to tell him that. Most importantly, she had to apologize about the photo.
She ran into the closet and gathered his clothes. A fragrance tempted her nostrils and she paused for a moment. Aramis. One day when she was shopping she’d bought the cologne for him, not sure if he’d like it or not, but he had and she now associated that scent with him.
Shaking her head, she put everything in a bag, even his items from the bathroom. When Jake took those, his presence would be gone from the house. She sank onto the bed. No, it wouldn’t, she had to admit to herself. So many feelings were struggling to surface, but she couldn’t let them. The past and the emotions connected to her fears and anxieties kept her bound. But through the mental block one thing rang true: she had to see Jake.
The doorbell buzzed and she jumped. Jake was here.
CHAPTER FIVE
WHEN JAKE STEPPED INTO the foyer, Elise felt almost out of breath. The foyer wasn’t small, but suddenly the confines of the entry overwhelmed her…or was it Jake?
“Hi,” he said, and her stomach trembled at the warmth in his voice.
Her eyes met his. “Hi.”
“How are you?”
She tucked her hair behind her ears and walked toward the living room—to put some distance between them and to sort through her emotions. “Fine,” she lied. “Your things are in here.” She picked up the bag and handed it to him.
He took it and asked, “Could we talk for a minute?”
“Sure,” she replied, sitting on the Queen Anne chair and slipping her bare feet beneath her. She was glad he’d asked to talk. It made what she had to say easier.
He sat on the sofa. “Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet?” he asked.
She shook her head. “No, I haven’t gotten around to it.” She wondered if he could hear the hesitation in her voice.
“Let me know when you do.”
I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want a divorce. I want a baby…and I want you. The words ran through her head but she couldn’t say them. Something inside her wouldn’t allow her to do that, and she knew what it was—fear. Despite this, she had to find a way to tell him.
She smoothed the front of her pants. “I have to apologize.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“You were right. It was insensitive of me to leave Derek’s picture on the nightstand. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.”
Jake was dumbstruck. He’d never expected her to admit that. She kept the man on a pedestal, and she wanted the world, including Jake, to do the same. He cleared his throat. “Thanks, and it was insensitive of me to bring it up when I did.”
“You were angry and you had a right to be.”
He didn’t know where this was coming from and he didn’t want to say anything that would hurt her more.
“Maybe,” he admitted grudgingly.
She raised her eyes to his. “I do care about you. You were wrong when you said I didn’t. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me otherwise.”
“From the start I knew you could never love me. You were still in love with your dead husband, but I wasn’t asking for your love—just your consideration.”
She bit her lip, his confession obviously cutting deep. “I guess my mother and Judith were right, which I never like to acknowledge, but I’ve been obsessed with having a baby. I couldn’t think about anything else. It took over my life, my thinking, my reasoning…and my treatment of you.”
“Elise—”
She broke in. “I took all the magazines on conception and childbirth and threw them in the trash.” She blinked back a tear. “It’s so hard to let go of that dream, but I realize now that I’m not ready for a child. I just got carried away with the thought.”
“How do you know you’re not ready for a child?” he asked, puzzled.
“If I were, I’d be able to accept your little boy, to love him, to be his mother—but…”
Jake’s heart stumbled, and he realized he’d been hoping she’d change her mind. That hope was now gone.
“Please don’t think I’m heartless,” she begged. “I wish I could explain to you how I feel, how…”
What was she trying to tell him?
“It’s okay,” he assured her. “It’s a tough situation.”
They were quiet for a moment. Jake wasn’t sure what to say to her and the words slipped out before he could stop them. “I saw Ben today.”
“I’m glad.” She had to squeeze the words past her lips.
Jake wanted to tell her everything, but he could see she was uncomfortable talking about Ben. So he had to let it go…and he had to let Elise go.
He stood. “Thanks for the apology. It means a lot. Now I’d better leave because I have to be up early to make the drive to see Ben again.” He moved toward the door, then turned back. “If you’d like to meet Ben, just call me. It might change the way you feel.” Why had he said that? He had to make her aware that option was still open to her—to be a part of his life…and Ben’s.
“It won’t,” she said quietly.
Jake walked out the door, feeling as if he’d just been sucker punched.
ELISE BLINKED BACK TEARS, refusing to cry. She couldn’t do that anymore. Getting to her feet, she noticed the bag on the floor. Jake had forgotten his things. She grabbed them and ran for the front door in time to see Jake’s tail-lights disappearing out of the driveway. She carried the bag to the closet. She’d call him tomorrow. No, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t see Jake again, it was too painful. She’d give the things to Beau and he could take them to Jake.
Jake’s cologne wrapped around her and a whimper left her throat. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t she just tell him the truth? She’d planned to, but looking into his warm eyes she couldn’t tell him that she’d almost killed a child with her negligence. She was so afraid of taking responsibility for a child that wasn’t her own, so afraid of hurting his little boy. She shook her head and made her way to the bedroom.
She saw Derek’s picture turned down on the nightstand and picked it up. Derek was the only one she could talk to. He understood her and loved her unconditionally. Staring down at his loving face, she knew why she kept his picture on display. She never wanted to forget Derek, and if she saw him every day, she wouldn’t. She closed her eyes as reality spun its truth. Despite having just looked at the picture, she didn’t see Derek’s face anymore. Jake was all she could see. She wasn’t sure how that had happened. But it had.
Derek and Jake were so different. She’d met Derek in college. They’d been friends first and then study partners because they both loved American literature. One evening as they were studying for an exam, Derek had said, “If I asked you for a date, would you go?” She didn’t have to think twice. She answered “Yes” immediately. A few dates later he’d asked, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” Derek was kind, considerate and gentle. His lovemaking was the same, and she’d never wanted any other man in her life.
Until she met Jake.
He was so completely different…or maybe it was the different effect Jake had on her emotions. From the first moment she saw him, she thought he was handsome and sexy and she harbored risqué fantasies about him, which shocked her, then excited her and made her feel alive and feminine again. She’d never realized how much she needed that. She found herself acting on unusual impulses…like dreaming of babies and marriage. Their sex life was unlike anything she’d ever imagined. It was so much more. Derek had been gentle and affectionate, but Jake was passionate and fiery, and when they got into bed she wasn’t just lying there being made love to—she was a partner giving and taking until she heard herself moaning with pleasure. She wasn’t shy with Jake. She was actually bold and daring and she enjoyed discovering that part of her nature.
She felt as if she’d betrayed Derek because Jake touched a part of her that her first husband hadn’t. She and Jake had connected in a special way—the way a husband and wife should. And now it was over. All because of her.
She stood, opened a drawer and placed Derek’s picture inside. That part of her life was over, too. The years stretched lonely and empty before her, unless she could talk about it. Share it. No, she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t tell Jake she’d almost killed a child. He’d think she was a terrible person.
But then she was a terrible person. She was letting her teenage phobia control her, allowing her to reject a three-year-old boy who needed a mother. That made her the worst kind of woman—a woman without maternal instincts. A woman who was only capable of caring for a child if he was her own flesh and blood. The pain ripped through her and she let it. She didn’t try to rationalize it or to disguise it. She deserved it.
JAKE REACHED THE FARM, feeling numb inside and trying to come to terms with the ending of his marriage. He hadn’t eaten but he wasn’t hungry.
He walked into the kitchen and stopped short. Beau was sitting at the table feeding Wags some doggy treats.
“What are you doing here, Beau?” he asked as he pulled up a chair.
“Feeding that hungry dog of yours. You should feed him more often.”
“Wags is always hungry,” Jake commented. “He spends a lot of his time chasing rabbits out of the cotton fields and he burns up a lot of energy trying to catch one.”
Wags rested his face on Jake’s thigh while Jake stroked him. “Wags is a good dog.”
Beau appeared thoughtful. “There’s a woman who lives in the condo next to mine and she adopts every stray she finds. She found a cat and was nursing it back to health. I agreed to keep it at my condo while she was out of town. I’m not too fond of cats, but I enjoyed this one and all her antics.”
“Animals are good company and friends.” Jake continued to rub Wags and the dog’s tail beat a steady tattoo on the floor.
“Actually I prefer the human female variety for company.”
Jake did, too. He preferred Elise and…
The silence stretched, then Beau asked, “How did it go with Ben?”
Jake ran both hands over his face and knew he had to talk to someone or he’d explode. “I saw him, Beau, and he was the most beautiful sight.”
“Then he’s not hooked up to machines or anything?”
“No, he seems like a normal three-year-old except he’s small and thin.” Jake glanced off to the blue ceramic cookie jar of his mother’s. She’d left it behind just like she’d left him. As a kid, he remembered dragging a chair up to the counter and stealing a cookie. Would Ben ever be able to do that? He cleared his head of such thoughts.
“He was sitting on a sofa playing with Lego blocks,” he continued. “He had a difficult time making the pieces fit but he tried and tried, and his eyes lit up when he did. Even though he didn’t speak, he kept watching me. They don’t know how much he understands. I think he understood that I’m his father, though.”
“Did you tell him you were?”
“Ms. Woods did,” Jake explained. “I asked that he be told.”
“Good for you.” Beau paused. “Can Ben walk?”
“They said he can, but he stumbles and falls, especially since Mrs. Carr’s death.”
Beau leaned forward. “Why did CPS contact you now?”
“Mrs. Carr was dying and asked them to find Ben’s father. I told you that.”
“Yes, I know, but why didn’t they contact you when Sherry basically abandoned Ben? Your name was on his birth certificate. Isn’t that what you said?”
Jake got to his feet and paced back and forth. “Yes…yes it was. God, I’ve been so consumed with the fact that I have a son that I never thought of that. Why did they wait so long to find me?”
“That’s a good question and one that bears answering.”
“I will definitely talk to Mrs. Turner tomorrow.” Jake went on to tell Beau how he felt that the caseworkers wanted the Fosters to have Ben. “Mrs. Turner said it would be detrimental to Ben’s health to uproot him.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I feel like they’re not giving me a chance,” he answered. “Ben and I need to spend time together—to form a bond. I was adamant about seeing him again tomorrow and they’re supposed to let me know.” He looked at Beau.
“Can they keep me from him?”
“No,” Beau replied. “I’ll give Mrs. Turner a call tomorrow and make her aware of a few facts.”
Jake held up a hand. “No, don’t do that just yet. Let’s see if they try to keep me away from Ben. A judge will make a decision on who gets custody of him, and right now it’s looking like it’ll be the Fosters. I have time to convince them otherwise.”
“And Elise?”
Jake’s head jerked up. “What about Elise?”
“She still filing for divorce?”
Jake stiffened. “Yes.”
“Damn,” Beau said. “This would be a lot simpler if you were together.”
“Well, we’re not,” Jake said shortly. “And I don’t understand why everyone thinks that because I’m a man I can’t properly care for my own son.”
