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“Yes, I’ve ruined your life, Elise, and I’d find all these tears and emotions easier to understand if you cared one iota for me. But I’m just a sperm donor to you. You’ve never considered my feelings or much of anything else where I’m concerned.”
She blanched. “What are you talking about?”
“Derek’s picture. How do you think it makes me feel to make love to you with his picture on your nightstand?”
“You never said anything.”
“My God.” He shoved both hands through his hair.
“Why should I have to say anything? You should’ve had enough consideration for my feelings to remove it.”
“You know how I loved him.”
“Oh, yeah, and I’m tired of hearing that, too. He’s dead and it’s time you accepted it.”
“Now you’re being cruel.” She buried her face in her hands, sobbing.
Jake inhaled sharply, but it didn’t keep the grief and anger from coming out. “And I don’t like living in your house. I’m afraid of getting something dirty or breaking a priceless heirloom. I’m a farmer and I have a house and that’s where I should be.” She looked up at him with her bottom lip trembling but still he didn’t stop. “You’ve never showed the slightest interest in seeing my home, my farm. That’s because you don’t care about me. The only thing you care about is having a baby.”
She stared at him through watery eyes. “That was our agreement—to have a child and raise it together. We never discussed the other things. I didn’t think they were important to you.”
“They are and you’ve stomped on my feelings long enough.”
“Then I think you’d better go.”
Some of his anger evaporated. He didn’t want it to end like this. He’d wanted to say so many things to Elise and everything had come out wrong and harsh. “I…ah…”
She gritted her teeth and took a deep breath, composing herself. “It’s okay, Jake. I’ll survive.”
No doubt she would, but he hated hurting her. “The social worker is setting up a meeting with Ben.” He didn’t know why he said that. It just seemed to slip out. Maybe he was hoping for a break in her demeanor, something to give him a sign that the marriage wasn’t over.
“I hope you’ll be happy with your little boy.”
Her head was bent and he couldn’t see her eyes, but he knew it took every bit of emotional energy she had for her to say that. It also told him that there was no hope for them. Ms. Woods had said his chances for custody would be better with Elise. Now he’d have to take his chances alone.
“If you want to file for divorce, I’ll sign the papers.”
Her eyes jerked to his. “Is that what you want?”
No, I want us to raise my son together. But he said, “Yes, it’s what I want.”
CHAPTER THREE
JAKE HAD TROUBLE SLEEPING. He kept seeing Elise’s face, the hurt in her eyes…a hurt he had put there. Not intentionally, but still, he was the cause of her pain. He sat up and slipped on his jeans, grabbed a T-shirt and shoes and headed for the door. Wags followed. Jake went straight to his workshop, which was off the garage. Wags settled in his spot by the door, watching Jake.
The smell of fresh-shaved wood clung to the air. As a hobby, Jake did woodwork and it was something he loved. He flipped on the light and strolled over to a baby’s cradle that occupied the middle of the large room. Elise had seen it in a magazine and he was planning to surprise her with it when she became pregnant. He drew in a deep breath and pulled up a chair, staring at the cradle. Wags trotted over and barked.
“I know, boy,” Jake said. “We’ll go to the house in a minute.” He couldn’t take his eyes off the cradle.
It consisted of round spindles connected to a half-circular base at each end. The crib swung from a sturdy stand. He had spent many hours doing the intricate pattern of flowers on the circular base and the stand. The spindles were rounded in the middle and smaller on each end. Mrs. Myers, a friend of his who sewed, was making the mattress and lining out of some of the finest cotton ever grown and he’d ordered lace from Italy as a finishing touch. The picture in the magazine was white, but Elise had said if the baby was a boy she wouldn’t want white, so Jake was waiting to paint or stain the crib. Now he didn’t have to worry. It would never be finished.
He pushed the cradle and it swung gently back and forth as “Rock-a-Bye, Baby” played. He’d had a hell of a time figuring out how to get the tune to play when the cradle rocked, but a visit to the electronics store solved his problem. It worked on the same principle as a music box. Now it was all for nothing.
Wags barked several times at the sound and Jake nodded his head. Glancing up, he saw the new wood stacked against the wall. He was starting on a baby bed next, to match the crib. A tremor of despair ran through him. For the first time he realized how much he wanted a baby…how much he’d planned for it, too. Letting go of that hope wasn’t easy for him, either.
But now he had Ben. Tomorrow he’d see his son for the first time and that filled him with new hope. It didn’t diminish the feelings he had for his and Elise’s baby; it just made the whole situation difficult.
What would he do if Elise was pregnant? He ran his hands over his face. He’d deal with that if it happened.
“Jake, what are you doing working so late?”
Jake turned to Aunt Vin standing in the doorway.
“It’s almost eleven,” she added, walking farther into the room. “I just got in from playing bingo and… Oh, oh, the cradle is beautiful.”
“Yes,” Jake said in a low voice.
Aunt Vin watched him for a moment. “What’s wrong?”
Jake clasped his hands together. “Ms. Woods called. I’m…I’m Ben’s father.”
“Oh, and from your expression I’m guessing the fancy lady isn’t taking this well.”
“No,” Jake admitted, seeing no reason to lie.
Aunt Vin clicked her tongue. “She wants a baby and God just gave her a ready-made one. What’s the difference? They all need love.”
Jake pushed to his feet and put his arm around her shoulder. “Yeah, and I’m going to give my son all the love I have.”
“So you’re raising Ben alone?”
“It looks that way.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be here.”
“Thanks, Aunt Vin.”
They slowly made their way to the house, Wags running ahead. “I guess we need to get a room ready,” she remarked.
“Let’s wait for a few days. I want to meet Ben first.”
“Okay.” Aunt Vin paused. “She’s not even going to meet Ben?”
“No.”
Aunt Vin shook her head and went to her room.
THE NEXT MORNING JAKE WAS UP early and drove into Waco to meet Ms. Woods. He found the building without any problem. She was in an office that consisted of a small space cluttered with filing cabinets and a desk.
She rose to her feet. “Good morning, Mr. McCain,” she said as she shook his hand. “Have a seat.”
Jake sat in a straight chair by her desk.
Ms. Woods clasped her hands across a large folder. “Mrs. McCain not with you?”
“No,” Jake replied, and to avoid answering uncomfortable questions he asked, “When can I see my son?”
Ms. Woods looked as if she was going to press the issue, but then said, “There are a few things we have to discuss first.”
“Like what?”
“Ben. I want you to be fully aware of his situation.”
He heard that note in her voice again and Jake knew something was wrong. “What situation?’ he asked carefully.
She opened the folder. “Ben has special problems.”
Jake’s chest tightened. “Problems?”
“As before, the only way I know how to do this is just tell you.”
“I wish you would.”
“Ben was a twenty-seven-week baby—a preemie—and he wasn’t breathing when he was born. The doctors worked with Ben and it took nine minutes before he could breathe on his own. He was then flown to Memorial Hermann hospital in Houston. He was basically in a comatose state and the doctors didn’t expect him to live. Sherry was supposed to make the trip to Houston a couple of days later, but she never showed up. That’s when the hospital called Children’s Protective Services. They had no one to contact if the baby died. We were able to locate Sherry’s mother and she immediately came to Houston. She didn’t even know Sherry had given birth.” She paused. “They fed him from an IV because he had no sucking reflex and he was getting oxygen to help him breathe. When Mrs. Carr arrived she was devastated at the sight of Ben, but she was a very religious person and wouldn’t leave Ben or give up on him. On the third day, Ben’s sucking reflex began. It was as close to a miracle as I’ve ever seen, but Ben had a long way to go. The doctors did test after test and ruled out several disorders, including cerebral palsy. Finally Ben’s diagnosis was developmental delay and his prognosis wasn’t good.”
“Developmental delay?”
“Yes. Ben does everything much slower than other children.”
The pain in Jake’s chest became so tight that it was unbearable.
“Mrs. Carr was Ben’s lifeline and she was determined that Ben would be a normal little boy. She lived in Bryan but she relocated to Houston so Ben could be near the hospital and doctors. At first Ben didn’t have the muscle tone to accomplish simple tasks. Mrs. Carr, under a developmental pediatrician’s guidance, began an exercise program for Ben. She massaged his arms and legs, even the inside of his mouth, to stimulate him. When she took Ben home, she continued the exercises. They took from three to four hours and she did them at least twice a day, but it was worth it. This little boy—who was supposed to be a vegetable if he lived at all—was able to roll over at ten months. At fifteen months he crawled and he took his first steps six months ago. Mrs. Carr was working on his speech and he was starting to say words and whole sentences, then…”
Ms. Wood stopped. “Irene was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she died quickly. She was so busy caring for Ben that she didn’t take care of herself. She was devoted to Ben, I suspect mainly because she’d had such a disaster with her daughter.” She stopped again. “When you met Sherry at that hotel, she was supposed to be clean and working but, as you found, that wasn’t true. She also lied to you about birth control. Irene said Sherry was never able to take the pill and Irene worried about pregnancy all the time because Sherry’s boyfriend was a drug dealer. He was in prison when you met her. CPS hasn’t been involved in Ben’s case since Mrs. Carr was granted custody, but we’ve checked on him from time to time. When Mrs. Carr became ill, she contacted us. That’s the reason I’m here today.”
Jake listened to all of this in a state of shock, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. His throat burned with an ache he couldn’t assuage. His son had needed him and he hadn’t been there.
“Mr. McCain, are you okay?” Ms. Woods asked with concern.
“Yes,” he answered with difficulty. “Sherry…where is she now?”
“As I told you earlier, we don’t know. When Ben was about a month old, her boyfriend, Rusty, was released from prison. Mrs. Carr was in Houston with Ben and Sherry was in their Bryan home. The boyfriend went there and Sherry and Irene argued. Irene didn’t want him in her house and she was trying to get Sherry to return to Houston and Ben. Sherry came one more time to see him, then she left with Rusty. Two months later Irene got a phone call from the police. Rusty shot a woman in El Paso when a drug deal went bad. The Texas Rangers became involved and said they were in Mexico. Irene got several phone calls from various border towns, but they still haven’t been located.”
Jake frowned. “She just left with her boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“How could she abandon her own son?”
“Mr. McCain, Sherry has had lots of problems since her father was killed in a freak accident when she was sixteen. He was the center of her world and she never recovered from it. She got in with a bad crowd, got into drugs. From what I understand, Mrs. Carr did everything she could to help her daughter, but Sherry was bent on a course of self-destruction.” She arched an eyebrow. “I’m sure you noticed some of this when you met her.”
“Yes,” he murmured. He recognized early that Sherry had problems he didn’t want to get involved with. He remembered her talking constantly about her father and how he understood her and her mother didn’t. But that didn’t explain how she could just leave Ben.
Jake stood on shaky legs. “I want to see my son.”
She was taken aback. “I’m not through, Mr. McCain.”
“There’s more?” he asked hoarsely.
“Yes. Ben has regressed since Mrs. Carr’s death. He’s stopped speaking, he falls often and he rarely smiles. So we have to handle this very carefully.”
“Please, I want to see my son,” he repeated.
“You will, I promise, but I wish you would listen to everything I have to say.”
“What else could there possibly be?” He was losing patience and could feel his tension building.
“You haven’t asked where Ben is.”
“I assume he’s in a foster home somewhere,” he replied.
“All the more reason for me to take responsibility for him.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why?”
“Mrs. Carr’s sister and her husband moved in when she became so ill. She wanted someone there for Ben.”
Thank God. At least Ben was with family. “I’m glad,” he said simply.
Ms. Woods picked up a pencil, then glanced directly at him. “Our office got a call this morning from an attorney. The Fosters have decided they want to adopt Ben and they’re filing for custody.”
“What!” His eyes burned into her.
“They’re very fond of Ben.”
“He’s my son,” Jake stated as if he needed to remind her of that.
“Yes, but Ben is comfortable with Peggy and Carl. He knows them and they know how to take care of him.”
Jake’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying I might not get my son?”
“As I told you, a judge will make that decision, but I want you to be aware of this new development.”
He gulped in a breath at the injustice of it all and then anger quickly overtook him. It seemed as if they were conspiring to keep him from Ben, and he wasn’t letting that happen. He placed his hands on the desk and leaned in close to Ms. Woods’s face. “You came looking for me, lady, and you found me. I’m Ben’s father and I want to see him…now.”
“I have every intention of taking you to Ben,” she said crisply.
