скачать книгу бесплатно
And God Created the Au Pair
Pascale Smets
Bénédicte Newland
Picture the perfect family…Now forget it & read this.An achingly funny novel on modern motherhood and married life, as told through the e-mail correspondence of two sisters.When your family snapshots resemble NSPCC ads and it takes a quick-witted au pair to prevent your guests from burning alive, you have well and truly arrived in motherhood…Charlotte and Nell are sisters who live thousands of miles apart, each coping, or rather not coping, with the incalculable demands of motherhood. The daily battle to avert domestic disaster and keep up with the Dickenson-Jones's is abated only by their hilariously candid e-mail exchange.They address some crucial questions, such as: if your son hasn't noticed that you've given Benny the hamster away, it is safe to assume he's forgotten? What is the unassailable law of nature that guarantees a cool, elegant paint, chosen with a loving homemaker's care, will dry to the colour of greying ham? And will a glass of chardonnay make it all better?Charlotte and Nell are separated by continents but united in tales of over-busy lives and family mishaps – how to cope with children demanding their attention 24/7, husbands who are oblivious to the madness their world has become, as well as coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer the youthful free spirits they once were.And God Created the Au Pair is perhaps what Bridget Jones might write if she got married, had children and began to wonder whether being single had its advantages after all…
BÉNÉDICTE NEWLAND AND PASCALE SMETS
And God Created the Au Pair
DEDICATION (#ulink_404b2525-0868-5dd7-9c21-7116c0019bf3)
For Mum and Pa
CONTENTS
Cover (#u23f0e7f0-3efa-5369-b541-5adb7f141fbd)
Title Page (#ud6bed79c-9a36-5058-9c49-0b606d677655)
Dedication (#uf6806692-a4ab-53c3-99e6-426b074b7fb8)
Family Tree (#u1ca35f63-4159-56bf-aeba-66deabc66c65)
September 99 (#u8e6fcd24-63e0-505e-b96d-f291edf3ae08)
October 99 (#u48a2f916-ac66-5334-8972-50749f80a413)
November 99 (#u3e2b946c-436e-51bc-9c6e-90c0ae0fa5d7)
December 99 (#u05a65b2b-823c-5460-861a-e07fcfa4c795)
January 00 (#ufef8385a-8a27-5480-8039-60392f92f4a2)
February 00 (#uac138b38-5ea0-57de-8bb5-d9ba9e047eee)
March 00 (#u43201f48-aed0-55d6-b40f-81bd29dc6d56)
April 00 (#udc0e0c2d-8212-58e9-9cf8-ad9f85b5d615)
May 00 (#u4b863e54-35c1-5eb7-a7e5-6e411d0a860a)
June 00 (#u97d1bd85-6170-5f5a-955e-b5f6c2ffcbf5)
July 00 (#u0c7dc13f-99f9-561f-885c-9b27b53eb69c)
August 00 (#u384098fb-1207-5221-b10a-6b4302728318)
September 00 (#u736c67bf-74e5-5875-b88e-9316919f08b7)
October 00 (#u9c07af7a-edc0-51a7-86b3-247825b6e941)
November 00 (#uc5b566b4-2c94-548b-9634-150f6da1d37a)
December 00 (#u81215a3f-02e4-54d7-92ed-43b3f7c860f0)
January 01 (#uc796982c-eec7-5a7e-8734-abb9a0dc1768)
February 01 (#uc04c0f77-f065-5548-b68f-93affea4fcff)
March 01 (#u31b402b9-f927-5e52-aa51-cee23ab1eaa7)
April 01 (#u5cf44540-3954-5552-a48e-a0fa63988141)
May 01 (#ud8d7ff04-8981-5908-8948-b2cde5b7bf3c)
June 01 (#ue02e12b7-4c27-5b5a-8b34-16f2e30c9453)
July 01 (#u532653ac-d030-5269-83e7-2c2a69f7c50e)
August 01 (#ua4b209f1-c696-514f-9d70-4c997f8c188e)
September 01 (#u74f2bc95-c266-54c1-aa5e-bc81d724690f)
Afterword (#u609bf2d1-8bb3-5651-b356-6c9e8b675e41)
Acknowledgement (#ub058c6d5-e3f0-5d8b-b3a3-d63ba3d81656)
About the Author (#u81423833-0980-5899-9444-6897d6f211c1)
Copyright (#udb587a57-6079-5445-9972-96da5adf2c27)
About the Publisher (#uff13eab5-9d5a-5db6-b5f7-5a8c26dd2187)
FAMILY TREE (#ulink_e14f3c5a-4452-570a-a731-b9761d0f239e)
SEPTEMBER 99 (#ulink_8c0b27f3-494c-5ee4-8577-33a118ea1485)
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Do not, repeat do not confuse dishwashing liquid with dishwasher liquid. Dishwashing liquid is in fact washing-up liquid in N America and when used in the dishwasher creates a giant foam monster that pours through what one naively assumes are the watertight seals on the edges of the dishwasher door. First tried to scoop the pouring tide of foam into kitchen sink but that immediately filled up with foam that would not die so then had to fill buckets with foam and run and throw them out on the deck. When Michael finally responded to my shrieks for assistance and wandered downstairs he (most unusually) had the good idea that we should sprinkle the small sachet of dishwasher powder that came free with the machine over the foam. Surprisingly it did in fact kill the beast. But everything very wet and foamy afterwards and him very smug.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: the beast
Didn’t the size of the bottle alert you? Any sign of missing saucepans yet?
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Bottle was huge. V easy mistake to make. Saucepans still mysteriously absent. Have unearthed one box of stuff so am now able to grate things or whisk things.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Have some ghastly problem with our drains at the moment, v stinky & wet at the bottom of the garden. Albert who is here to paint the kitchen full of gloomy predictions, have to say feel a bit gloomy myself but am resolutely trying to hide it as it only encourages him.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Sure it’s nothing too serious. You know Albert would rather eat his own head than miss an opportunity to revel in a bit of doom and gloom. Have finally tracked down saucepans (in the basement under approx 1000 boxes of toys).
Went downtown today to buy lots of ugly expensive school uniform, for ugly, expensive (though apparently excellent) new school. Remarkably, Ollie though only doing mornings has to wear uniform on Fridays complete with blazer (absurd as he is not yet 3 and a midget to boot), so have had to go to all that expense so he can look like a small square waiter one morning a week. Felt really nervous about driving my big new car on big roads at first, but have discovered that a big road is in fact a good thing and you never need to mount the pavement to ease past an oncoming car like in London.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Don’t know about that, find big roads really scary & am used to sweatily squeezing past other big cars in tiny roads though must admit despite much practice am still apt to misjudge spaces. My car is looking quite well used, though cheeringly not as bad as Amanda next door’s. Not entirely her fault as I did reverse hard into her car twice while parking last week (Dan watching – made me nervous).
Fran is preparing for yet another driving test. Talks about it endlessly. Told her I’ll reverse over her if she says ‘I’m definitely going to crack it this time’ once more.
Saw Helena in Tesco today, she trapped me by the bananas, her face a mask of tenderness as she enquired how I was coping now you’ve gone. Said I was just about bearing up (meant it as a joke but then noticed her eyes had alarmingly filled with tears), she did lots of nodding then said what a lovely neighbour you’d been and she’d always remember your unique approach to life. Said it like you’d died instead of just moved abroad. She paused a lot before she said ‘unique approach’ which made me suspect it was more a reference to the untidiness of your house than the uniqueness of your approach.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Hurrah. Have just spent £400 having video made of my drains in order to ‘pinpoint problem area’. Unsurprisingly ‘problem area’ turns out to be where stinky wet patch is (drain cracked, lawn will have to be dug up). How to file video? alphabetically between Christmas & Easter? or between Dan’s buttocks as sort of aide-memoire not to waste our money in the future (he insisted we have it done)? How are the children? When do they start school? Mine back this Thurs, Ellie v excited about going into year 1 and feel irrationally optimistic about Maddie starting in nursery.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Should definitely make Dan sit and watch the drain video (keeping the empty case between his buttocks while he watches). School started yesterday and they were all v cheerful when they came out which was a huge relief. School drop-off and pickup, the ultimate N American experience. No standing round in the playground chatting to other mothers. Everyone queues up in their huge cars and when you get to the school there’s a ‘drive-thru’ and you hand your children out to a teacher, and at pickup lots of teachers striding around with walkie-talkies and when you reach the school there are your children waiting for you. They aren’t quite handed out through a little window, but almost.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Very glad it went so well. Girls back yesterday too. Ellie thrilled about it, Maddie’s start in nursery not so auspicious. In fact I could say ghastly. I had secretly harboured insane notion that world’s weepiest child MIGHT go in without crying. Needless to say it turned out I had been wildly optimistic. Resolved to harden my heart against squirty & copious tears (so squirty & copious actually left a wet patch on my trousers), naturally failed miserably and had to bolt to the car.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Your problem is you’re too good-humoured and your children grow attached to you. If you were a ratbag like me you’d find your children parted from you quite cheerfully.
Next-door-but-one came round today to introduce herself and brought her two daughters AND home-made cookies. Wish I could report she was wearing a pinny, but even without that, quite a pleasing piece of good ol’-fashioned neighbourliness. Younger daughter, Takara, is the same age as Josie (though approximately half her height) and they seemed to get along quite well. Older daughter was a pill, couldn’t have made it clearer that she’d come round under duress, and slumped onto the sofa exuding adolescent surliness from every pore. Don’t think from early indications Suzette and I are going to be soulmates. In the time it took to drink a cup of tea and eat a home-made cookie she managed to tell me 1) her husband is very brilliant and successful 2) her daughters are both very gifted and intelligent, also musical, 3) she has a troublesome time finding the right hairdresser as they all make such a fuss over her hair. Suggestion here was that her carroty mane is so very beautiful it’s almost more of a curse than a blessing. She does a lot of languid flicking it back over her shoulders. She also very cleverly managed to weave her flat stomach into the conversation (her eyes definitely skittered across mine at this point). If I were more skilled at these things I could have raised the subject of bottoms, because I would estimate hers is at least 50% bigger than mine. She also brought me up to speed on her marital situation – current husband, Kane, is no. 2 and is half-Japanese which apparently makes their home ‘very culturally rich’. Luckily she and husband no. 1 are still really good friends and Sophie (daughter of no. 1) adores Kane and just loves having two dads, so everything is wonderful. Altogether a very promising encounter, hope Josie and Takara do become friends as I shall very much enjoy hearing in what other ways Suzette is generally marvellous.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
How fabulous, love the sound of her carroty mane. You do realise you equal each other out. Her shrunken daughter & oversized bottom equals your oversized daughter & shrunken bottom.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
I’ve been going round this house trying to hang pictures etc and am discovering that though it looks very new and fancy it is in fact constructed of compressed cardboard. That, together with the fact that the downstairs is mostly open-plan, means the children can hear every hushed conversation we have even when they’re in their bedrooms. Doorbell is v offensive too, plays an eight-note tune and sound comes through an intercom which is in every room so makes me jump out of my skin every time it rings. Also a ridiculous number of bathrooms and a sauna in the basement. Cannot envisage any circumstances under which I would want to use it.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: big vulgar house
Grant you everything sounds amazingly vulgar (speaking of which Dan suggested you could use sauna for 70s-style sex) but since everything is new, presumably it all works, also how fantastically liberating tastewise – no poncey agonising over whether it’s better to buy genuine antique bog from salvage yard for 3x price of naffer but more practical reproduction one. In absence of your steadying influence did buy poncey antique loo for spare bathroom. Turns out you were right – impossible to clean as glaze v patchy. However, what you didn’t know & I have triumphantly discovered is will only flush vv small poos.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
You should put a discreet little picture up like a no-smoking sign but with a poo instead of a cigarette (wd also help with the cleaning problem).
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
‘Drain patrol’ came today to replace cracked piece of pipe. Rather mystifyingly, although you would think a trench the approximate depth & width of drain to be replaced would be adequate, it appears not. Excavations have now reached such magnitude, suspect they have become confused between the words ‘pipe’ & ‘tube’ & are actually building a tube station (tube theory further supported by the size of their quote). Hugh is overjoyed and desperate to get out there. V tricky to keep him in as workmen keep leaving door to garden open & he v darty & determined.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Probably will increase the value of your house though, being so close to a tube station. I’ve discovered intriguing feature of this house which is that floor throughout hall and kitchen which is granite? polished stony stuff anyway and which is speckled grey, black and white is perfect camouflage for anything at all, gratifying when this is dirt, but annoying when it’s a small object you’ve inadvertently dropped. God forbid I drop a contact lens on it. Garage now completely full of empty boxes and packaging as we don’t know what to do with it all so have been lobbing it in there. Suppose we will at some stage have to actually use it to put the cars in but will worry about that later.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
