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Floor that hides the dirt, definitely worth the odd lost contact lens. I have dirt-accentuating floor and still lose stuff all the time.
Rained really heavily last night & in usual weekend fashion sent girls downstairs with Hugh to watch telly so we could have a lie-in. Lie-in cut short by sound of Hugh crying & Ellie calling me, v ominously citing Hugh & mud as the reason for waking us. Came down to find Hugh freezing & thickly coated in mud from what was once our garden but now closely resembles trenches of WW1. Ellie’s explanation for letting him out was that ‘he wanted to’. Whole episode entirely my own fault for being lazy and sluttish.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Count yourself lucky that it was only mud. Rob called me down proudly the other day because Ollie had done a poo on the potty and Rob had decided to wipe his bottom for him as a nice surprise for me. Had to completely strip both of them and clean quite a large surrounding area. Rob very pleased and expectant so I had to say ‘well done for trying’.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Suzette and Kane invited us for a barbecue lunch today. Michael naturally grumpy, on the very limited exposure he’s had to them says they are stupid and boring. I on the other hand thoroughly enjoy the little glimpses I get into their life and was therefore happy to go. Not disappointed in the least. Sophie, the older daughter, emerges sufficiently from her sullen silence when on her home turf to be obnoxiously rude to them both – wasn’t hungry/didn’t like any of the food served. Suzette eventually tensely excused her from the table and she slouched off inside. Once she’d relaxed after Sophie’s departure, Suzette was in quirky mode, lots of tales of her madcap exploits, how she’d chased a racoon out of her bedroom in her undies (so a bit sexy too) at their cottage up north (everyone here has a cottage up north), how she’d driven to Montreal with the girls on a whim one night because she wanted them to absorb the French language (thought this bit sounded slightly bipolar, it’s about a five-hour drive …), how she’d charmed the Canadian border guards into not charging her tax after a shopping spree in the States (doubtless her glorious red hair played its part). Obviously her life is a chick flick and much more fun than mine. Very best bit was when we had ice cream. She was talking to Michael while holding up her spoon and slowly running her tongue along it. Not sure if she fancies him or if she’s just one of those women who automatically flirts with all men. Michael, bless him, was looking at her with puzzled distaste which she no doubt read as scarcely controlled lust.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Michael probably just thought she had a tongue disorder.
Anna rang last night to get your address (again). Told me Rory and Theo had missed first one and a half days of school as she’d got the date they went back wrong – thought they went back same day as Guy and Isabel so they missed the first day and then on morning of next day discovered Toulouse-Lautrec had badly chewed one of Rory’s new school shoes and bitten the buckle off one of Theo’s. So then instead of just sending them in trainers, decided to drop Greta at nursery and ‘whizz’ into Buckingham to buy boys shoes en route to school. Whizzed there but couldn’t whizz on as she ‘broke down’. This conversation conducted to the background of Geoffrey shouting ‘You didn’t break down – you ran out of bloody petrol again.’ Anyway after fulminating for 20 mins about how this time she really was going to get rid of Toulouse-Lautrec, Anna came over quite sentimental, said she misses you and blood is thicker than water (about 9 times).
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
That dog will survive us all. Why would she get rid of him for something as trivial as eating school shoes when she failed to get rid of him after he ate Geoffrey’s passport before he went to Dubai?
Went to a fundraising meeting at the school this afternoon (doing my bit). Also thought I might meet some other parents since you never meet anyone at the drive-thru. I took Ollie along since I always did in England to such things. Heart sank rather when I saw all the women v done up and manicured, meeting in a formal boardroom and NO children. Braved it anyhow and sat Ollie on my lap. They began with minutes from the last meeting – v bad sign. Ollie asking me questions in a loud voice from time to time but otherwise ok. It dragged on and on and Ollie was getting more and more pissed off. Someone gave him some crayons and paper which kept him sitting quietly for a few minutes till I noticed he was chewing them and spitting them onto the table (not only embarrassing but also slightly worrying regressive behaviour). At this point the head of the school (a really giant arse) was addressing the meeting and all the other women were gazing at him with rapt admiration. Anyhow couldn’t take it any more so shuffled out in disgrace. Shall not be going again.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Unclear about the headmaster’s giant arse – does he have one or is he one?
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Is one. Has a substantial arse but wd not be fair to describe it as giant.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Michael’s new office held a party last night. Felt a bit of a twat as clearly everyone else had come straight from the office and was in work clothes and I was in party gear. Also we had to do a lot of standing around chatting and I wore my high boots which I always forget make me want to gnaw my feet off after 10 minutes. Still, met some people who are slightly more normal than the manicured soccer moms in their giant cars from the school and one woman in particular, Nina, who Michael says is brilliant and lured over from Vancouver, is really delightful and has twin boys of Ollie’s age, so that was promising.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re overdressing – you should have explained to attentive circle of fellow guests (captivated by your English frankness) that this was just the kick-off to an evening of intense socialising and your real destination was a much bigger fancier party later on.
PS Fran v glum today. Had rather bad luck during driving test so didn’t ‘crack it’ this go as she’d predicted.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Re: Wrinklies
Poor Fran, fear she’ll try again though. Went to our posh mall first thing this morning. Disconcerted to see mall absolutely full of old people in snowy-white trainers and neatly pressed tracksuits. Apparently ‘mall walking’ is how old people get their exercise here, and obviously makes sense when v cold/hot, but surprising when outside is gentle September sun. Perhaps winter strikes with terrifying suddenness here and you can’t be too careful?
From: Rachel Lockwood
To: Nell Fenton
Dear Nell
I have again proved my shortcomings as a friend and failed to email you to see how all is going. Are you settling in? and how are the children finding school? Jonathan has started at the local school and seems almost insultingly unconcerned about leaving me in the morning. Probably punishment for the fact that I never made finger puppets or did Play-Doh with him. Also the food at school is better than the food at home because they get jelly. (Is there no limit to my inadequacy?) Send me your news, we are thinking of you all and are planning how we can scrape up the money to come and visit, if I can ever get Jack on a plane that is.
Fondest love to all
Rachel xx
From: Nell Fenton
To: Rachel Lockwood
Dear Rachel, all is well here though still lots of unpacking to do. The house is quite nice, v comfortable in a vulgar way and the children seem to like their school, so far. Not seeing much of Michael who’s working really long hours but hopefully that will settle down. Toronto is fantastic for children, lots of lovely clean parks and the restaurants are cheap (as is everything, in fact) and very child-friendly. Would love you to come with or without Jack, we have lots of room, 3 spare bedrooms and about 84 bathrooms. Charlotte & co are coming at Christmas I hope, but perhaps you could come for Easter? Love Nell
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
The house is such a bomb site and I’m so desperate for some help – Michael never around – have hired a very unpromising cleaner called Cynthia. Got her through an agency and am resolutely ignoring her obvious shortcomings, not least of which is the fact that she seems a bit mad (mutters darkly all the time) also I cannot understand a word she says though she is Jamaican so I suppose English is her first language.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
It’s a time-honoured family tradition to have a dodgy cleaner and at least you have one, Gina-the-cleaner is leaving me. Also your house is finished so presumably things don’t come off in your hand all the time (Dan stuck in bathroom for 20 mins yesterday when door handle fell out on bedroom side), everything a constant tip here AND I don’t like new kitchen colour. Albert keeps looking at me through narrowed eyes saying ‘You don’t like it, do you?’ so on top of hating it have to keep hotly denying I hate it as Dan will definitely divorce me if I change the colour again. Suspect Gina moving purely to get away from us and the spectacular shambles and Dorset was just the first county she came across into which debris from our house hadn’t spilled. Feel quite sad about it, even though she’s dreadfully unreliable (come rain or shine she might turn up) I’m really fond of her. Think we’re going to get an au pair next, instead. Fran says the trick is to get a beautiful Swedish one as it’s the ugly ones who go after your husband and the beautiful ones who think he’s a sad old wanker.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
I can’t believe Gina lasted as long as she did, was totally unsuited to manual labour with that inner ear problem of hers.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Nonsense, she cleaned very well, only staggered a bit and hardly ever toppled right over.
I’ve been looking at au pair details from agency, incredibly depressing as makes me feel absolutely ancient. They all seem to have been born in the 1980s. Also they’re all so WORTHY. When I was 18 I was getting drunk on the King’s Rd & trying to get to grips with smoking without setting my dreadlocks on fire. Nowadays all 18-year-olds (Swedish ones at least) ‘love to work with childrens’. Will have to choose a short one as shower in top bathroom has v low showerhead.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Think it’s moderately unlikely that they would list drinking and smoking as hobbies on their application forms, however keenly they pursue those activities in their spare time.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
I’m going to kill Michael. Went to another work party and this time checked with Michael how smart/casual it was going to be. He assured me it was casual. Should have known he would not pay attention to such details. Turned out to be a party for the people they really wanted to impress (unlike previous hoi polloi party) and as we arrived we were photographed for society pages (vv bad – was wearing fairly skanky cord jacket) and when we got in all the women were in full evening wear, and me in very ordinary navy trousers, Gap t-shirt and cardigan (silk admittedly, but much washed), also in my distress managed to get potato-sized blotch of red wine on my t-shirt in first 10 minutes. Chairman’s wife came up and kissed Michael, who was mortified since he hadn’t bothered to shave (party being so casual). Since he’s half-man half-gorilla, it’s not insignificant when he fails to shave. Serves him bloody well right.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
How could you not know he’d get it wrong?? This is the man who says ‘I like that dress’ when you’re wearing a skirt. Like any NORMAL man, will say any old crap that pops into his head just to shut you up, also much more likely to say it’s casual wear as party clothes require much more input from husband – eg ‘no your back doesn’t look at all fat in that/knees don’t look weird/the choker doesn’t make your neck look short’ … and if he were interested enough to correctly assess dress code he would be no good to you as he would not be married to you as he would almost certainly be gay.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
It’s true that clothes aren’t his specialist subject, what with all those confusingly different names clothes can have. (Colours also v problematic for him, brown and grey – how can anyone tell the difference?)
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Fucking hell. Central heating finally packed up last night, quite frankly can’t believe the ancient & poisonous boiler has lasted this long. Albert came round today in a last-ditch attempt to try and revive it. After 45 mins of the boiler equivalent of heart massage announced ‘it’s a gonner’, had urge to add ‘still, it had a good innings’ but felt it would be disrespectful. Should have replaced the whole lot before we moved in last year but since at that point we were operating on the ‘only absolutely essential work to be done’ principle and it was (just) working it seemed unnecessary. Now v necessary & timing worse as have just paid to have ‘tube station’ dug in our garden & I really want to come to visit at Christmas.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Deepest condolences on your loss but you still have to come at Christmas whatever happens.
Now Josie has made friends pesky child has been nagging for a birthday party. Had hoped that her birthday being over a month ago and the move etc would have made her forget, but no, bless her retentive little brain. Also she wants to invite the whole class so am failing to benefit from huge advantage of an August birthday where one can invite the whole class with impunity since 60% are invariably away. Have arranged something called Mad Science for entertainers and having set stupid precedent of doing handmade invitations for the last 2 birthdays have had to come up with appropriately mad and sciency card. Was quite pleased with my idea of cutting out test-tube-shape cardboard, with big bubbles coming out the top. Only noticed when I had done about 20 that they are vv phallic when upended. Still, not bloody doing them again and anyway it might prompt gratifying August-type refusal rate.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Try not posting the invitations at all but instead storing them safely in a nappy-changing bag for at least 2 weeks then performing secret, frantic, last-minute phone round (on discovering them crumpled & dirty in bottom of said bag), should yield 30–40% refusal rate if past experience is anything to go by.
OCTOBER 99 (#ulink_b6272bb4-dd34-513f-b241-5f99e0f2fa39)
From: Louise Corrigan
To: Charlotte Bailey
We’re making plans to come to London. Walt needs to do some research in London for a piece he’s doing for the NY Times and we have meetings about our book. Anyway we’d love to come visit if you can bear to have us. We’d be staying Nov 7 thru 15 if that’s ok. If it’s too much let us know & we’ll go to a hotel. Speak soon x L
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Louise Corrigan
FANTASTIC! We’d love you to come & stay, facilities a little basic at the moment though, central heating on the blink but should definitely have it sorted by the time you come, also roof absolutely watertight now. Dan can pick you up at the airport if you want, just let us know. Love C
From: Louise Corrigan
To: Charlotte Bailey
That’s great. Don’t worry about facilities, you know us, we’ll crash anywhere. Re collection, don’t sweat it, hon, we’ll order a car to pick us up. Speak soon x L
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
oh god, oh god, oh god, never felt such a mix of emotions.
Lou & Walt coming to stay & house a total fucking bomb site. Mentioned in a masterstroke of understatement ‘basic facilities’ to Lou but she seemed to gloss over that, don’t think my version of basic & hers quite the same eg she, non-goosedown duvet = basic, me sleeping on Lilo = basic. Lou said & I quote ‘We’ll crash anywhere.’ Have you ever known a couple less likely to ‘crash anywhere’? Last time they stayed (AND we were still living in Islington – the height of luxury compared to here), Walt spent his whole time gargling vinegar to ‘cleanse his sinuses of dust mites’. God knows what he’ll do here – have to send industrial vacuum cleaner up there. Also confidently predicted that central heating would be fixed by the time they visit. On the positive side obv they are excellent company & always full of fantastic stories about NY. Also Lou always gives me all her pristine-looking ‘old’ stuff. Ellie v excited to see Godmother as Godmother does lovely stuff like put handcream on her & read stories with expression unlike real mother who skips pages & never puts handcream on self let alone 5-year-old. Must now go & tackle spare room as although visit a month away will take at least that long to empty it – room actually not ‘spare’ at all but v much needed as giant junk cupboard.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
You could have sent them to stay in a hotel, you barmy cow, and still have enjoyed their company. Living in a building site gives you a general dispensation from having people to stay. Went to a school-arranged social function this morning (trying to foster community spirit, lacking due to drive-by pickup). It was a breakfast at a fancy golf club which isn’t exactly my thing but don’t want to be a hermit so am making an effort. However, was entirely filled with same uptight gym-trained and manicured mothers from fundraising meeting, just many more of them. Have discovered irony is an unknown concept in this country so think they think I’m mad. Also never have manicures so am scruffy too.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Can’t believe alarm bells didn’t ring when you saw the words ‘golf club’. Can’t find anyone to fix central heating, though Albert, who is repainting kitchen at the moment, keeps dropping hints about doing it himself. Dan, who’s usually so easygoing, is absolutely adamant that we must find someone else as Albert has plenty of other things to do & will take forever & if he does it will not have heating for the new millennium. Other danger is of course he’ll get Smelly Gordon to help him. Dan doesn’t care about that – but I do.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Well, at least if you don’t fix your heating you’ll have the money to come and visit us.
