And God Created the Au Pair

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From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: not pregnant

Got my period last night had been slightly hopeful as it was 2 days late, though even considering past success in getting pregnant immediately realise it is probably unrealistic to expect it this time (am v old these days) still can’t help feeling really disappointed. Dan quite sorry too as had got briefly excited about idea of swapping Volvo for an MPV.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

At least you have a vague idea when yours is due. Since mine is a randomly occurring phenomenon am a bit hopeful every month and invariably persuade myself that my PMT symptoms are signs of early pregnancy. Anyhow I’m even more ancient and unlike you don’t just need to brush against my husband when passing on the stairs in order to get knocked up so am sure you’ll be there way ahead of me.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Short (and therefore suitable) au pair I interviewed by phone has turned us down as we don’t have any animals and she loves animals. Am soooo pissed off, feel like ringing her back and saying don’t need any bloody animals have 3 children with the table manners of baboons. Have wasted nearly 2 weeks buggering around & now have to start again & there is only one other on list who looks suitable, is short enough & has not expressed an undue interest in animals.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

People who are that keen on animals are suspect anyhow and probably don’t like children. No doubt she’s a vegetarian too which would be really irritating. Speaking of irritating, Michael has decided we have to change our church AGAIN. Did it twice in England, now has again been listening to the sermons and thus finds things to object to and is insisting we find another church whose priest has views more in accordance with his own. Don’t really care but why can’t he just make shopping lists in his head during the sermon like a normal person?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: urgently needed au pair

Spoke to alternative au pair last night, sounds v nice, speaks slightly better English than me & laughed politely at all my jokes (good sign) then asked me if I believe in smacking (good sign? bad sign? can’t decide). Refrained from saying I believe it exists (unlike fairies & Father Christmas) but thought this was too flippant a reply for such an earnest question & would probably confuse her, so simply said ‘nooo?’ in a hopeful way. Correct answer as she then admitted she’d turned down another family as they had said they DID smack. Can’t believe what a bloody minefield interviewing au pairs is & how though we all pretend we’re interviewing THEM, they are quite clearly interviewing US. Anyway felt really annoyed & whole episode has had the ‘going-on-a-diet effect’ (where knowledge of future abstinence makes you immediately hungry even though you just ate a pie). Though I think smacking is awful, wanted to quickly go up & smack them all.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Had Josie’s belated mad science party yesterday. Have to say nothing struck me as especially mad or sciencey about it, except perhaps setting off quite a big rocket in the road outside. Still, they all seemed to enjoy it and were most impressed to have what one girl described as ‘a proper tea’, as apparently all they ever have here is delivery pizza and prefab cake.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finally got sent some proper photos of new au pair – much better than the usual b&w headshots that make everyone look like they belong to the Baader-Meinhof. She is v pretty but looks about 14 though she is apparently 19. Children all v excited about her arrival (though not half as excited as me). Girls have been making her lots of welcome cards all week. Am considering making my own welcome banner inscribed with ‘DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU, NOW PLEASE DO SOME IRONING’ as laundry situation now completely out of control – have actual TOWERS of clothes in laundry room which when they are knocked over (all the time) double as a ‘soft play area’ for Hugh.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m SO annoyed, I just came back from a haircut and saw Suzette as I was getting out of my car. I was quite pleased with it, it’s much shorter and I think looks quite stylish. She came up to me looking slightly pained and said ‘Oh, you cut your hair. Why?’ I was so taken aback I was quite unable to think of a suitably clever rejoinder. The only small consolation I can find is she has swept her own fiery locks up into a loose bun today which only emphasises how weirdly tiny her head is. My hair will grow but her head won’t.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Am sure your hair is v nice. You look much better with short hair. God is v kind & merciful as He has answered my prayers and finally found someone who appears competent (indeed passionate) re fascinating topic of our central heating. Keith – who is moonlighting from the gas board – did lots of sums about size of rooms & BTUs. Apparently we need a lot of pipework & ‘rads’ replaced (must always refer to them as ‘rads’ as it is quicker than saying radiators & Keith is very busy), also superly Keith says we need not 1 but 2 boilers for a house this size. Keith v concerned about ‘radical heat loss’ through the glass cupola on the top floor and suggested we get rid of it. No point explaining to a heat-loss Nazi that the cupola is pretty much the whole reason we bought this derelict wreck so just stood nodding with v thoughtful expression. Keith & Gerry are starting next w/e so may actually fulfil prediction to Walt and Lou of having heating, otherwise they’ll have to go to a hotel as being without hot water absolutely appalling (even by my v low standards). I’ve bought one of those tin baths a la Steptoe & Son to bath children in kitchen as running up & down stairs with kettles and pans of water too nightmarish (Dan & I still maintaining our standards by resolutely having 4-inch baths in freezing bathroom), but children absolutely love huge excitement of bathing next to cooker, took some arty black & white photos of them having fun, unfortunately combination of tin bath, newspapers on floor to protect parquet & Hugh crying made them look like NSPCC advert rather than jolly family snaps.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

God, how grim, recommend you drink a lot of sherry to help engender ‘spirit of the Blitz’ necessary to face such ordeals.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Have been using blow heaters to try & improve ambient temperature in house although it is unseasonably mild (thank the Lord). Oddly feels colder in the house than out in the garden but maybe it’s just because we put coats on to go outside … absolutely refuse to wear a coat inside, though very much wish to. Used to be so resilient when I was young but am pathetic about the cold now. Ellie & Maddie are too, especially Ellie. Hugh immune to everything (sometimes wonder if the messaging to his brain is all there …). Modern blow heaters terribly irritating as they have inbuilt thermostats so they are constantly switching themselves off in case they do anything dangerous like actually warm the room up slightly. Ancient one I borrowed from Fran never turns itself off & gets the room toasty warm in no time – love it & would crouch in front of it all day if the girls weren’t batting me out of the way to have their go.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Quite true about growing soft, can’t bear the cold now (dreading the winter here) and never used to feel it when I was young. Remember having friends round who were not only frozen but starving too, because Mum always fed us so late. Sure it was character-building. Anna only used to let that ponger Driscoll sleep on her bed at night because he kept her warm.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finished painting au pair Ana Frid’s bedroom last night. Looks really lovely & by far the nicest bedroom in the house. All blue & white & Swedish-looking should make her feel quite at home or possibly homesick?? hope have not made tactless decorating faux pas. Anyway it has curtains that luxuriously close in the middle so she will be able to undress & dress in her own room unlike me. Also bought new duvet cover, did not run to new mattress though really should have since mattress absolutely ancient (got it off Mum who practically had it as a child). Quite sharp spring sticking out on both sides but have put that at foot end so hopefully will be ok.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Can’t believe you still have any of Mum’s evil old mattresses. You do realise not everyone was raised in the same haphazard way we were and is thus inured against beds with sharp protuberances or strange lumpy pillows. Good job she’s short so hopefully won’t impale herself immediately. Do think you should consider buying the poor girl a new mattress though.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Ana Frid arrived today. Dan picked her up from the airport & then drove her the ‘scenic’ route home pointing out London’s teenage hot spots like Leicester Square & Oxford Circus. Photo she sent us quite inaccurate – she actually looks 12 not 14 & is tiny like a doll. Worried in case one of the laundry towers falls on her & she can’t get out.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’d be more worried about breaking the news to her that there’s no heating or hot water if I were you.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hurrah for au pair girl. Ana Frid completely fantastic. While laundry situation not yet fully under control at least now greater proportion of our clothes in drawers than on floor, Hugh’s ‘soft play area’ all but gone, & Dan no longer wearing jumpers to office to hide unironed shirts. Girls completely in love with her & think she is v beautiful. Ellie says she loves her ‘yellow hair & red cheeks’ – doesn’t sound so great when put like that.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Am v envious. Cynthia continues to exceed my expectations and I think may prove to be the worst cleaner I have ever had. She has told me that she’s here in Canada on refugee status and although she wants to get more work it is very hard (possibly because she’s so useless?). Means she is completely reliant on the money she earns from me and can’t get welfare. Obviously this means if I sack her I will burn in hell.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Bloody hell, Keith and Gerry have worked all w/e and central heating still not fixed. Interestingly, while it is working v well in basement & on top floor, middle 2 floors are still freezing. Children have all caught nasty colds, no doubt caused by sharp climate change as you walk through the house. Although now v nippy out don’t dare crank up existing heating any more as am fearful that downstairs warm front will meet middle-floor cold front precipitating rainfall in hallway. Have hot water in the basement but am not prepared to bath in kitchen. Also Albert very huffy about Keith the interloper and keeps lifting floorboards to inspect his work and then shaking his head disapprovingly. Unfortunately am quite certain it is only a matter of time before Albert shares his misgivings about Keith & Gerry’s workmanship with me & I really don’t think I can stand another conversation about pipework or ‘rads’ though at least Albert calls them radiators.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Any builder worth his salt thrives on delivering bad news. Probably wise to prepare yourself for the worst about the job they’re doing. We’ve been preparing for Hallowe’en which is a lot of fun here, much bigger deal than in England. Shops have been full of pumpkins, hay bales and eight-foot bunches of corn on the cob stalks for ages (purpose is rustic decoration). I’ve bought all of the above in rush of excitement. Children are going to attend school in costume (racks of them in every supermarket so trouble-free). Ollie is going to be a Teletubby – Tinky Winky? the gay purple one at any rate, Rob is a dinosaur, and Josie is a witch.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Don’t think Tinky Winky is v scary unless you are a homophobic anorexic, frightened of the colour purple. Hugh is accompanying the girls to a friend’s Hallowe’en party. I’ve made him an excellent miniature dracula cape. He looks adorable in it & is v proud. E & M skeleton & witch respectively.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Different here, you can dress up in any costume, doesn’t have to relate to Hallowe’en. Bit of a shame I think but have compensated by putting lots of spiders and bats on all the window sills round the house.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Albert & Keith have finally come face to face. Not good. I didn’t really understand their conversation but I think Albert asked Keith some provocative questions about BTUs & stopcocks. Anyway Keith is really pissed off and asked me if ‘that old geezer’ will be around much. Was mendacious enough to say no as although Albert at the moment spends all day, every day here, Keith is working evenings & weekends so am reasonably confident I should be able to keep them apart.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Re: Happy Birthday

Dear Rachel, hope you are having a lovely day. You will no doubt be impressed that I am emailing you on the ACTUAL day of your birthday AND I have also sent your present (several days ago in fact) instead of my more usual practice of storing it in a drawer for 4 months. Hope you like it, would say you can change it if you don’t, but that would be a lie. Love Nell

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

It’s true I am deeply impressed, and the beautiful sweater arrived today. I absolutely love it and only one day after my birthday, which is frighteningly competent of you (but we mustn’t underestimate the pleasure of getting a birthday present at a totally random time of year – I say this in self-defence as I can never live up to the new you). I wish I could say Jack had put as much thought into his present, but actually he gave me some CDs and a coffee-table book on historic houses (yes, a coffee-table book though I am in fact his wife and not his hard-to-buy-for great-uncle). He’d clearly bought the presents on his way back from work the night before and quite frankly I’m so fed up with him generally, I don’t think I’d even have bothered to feign delight if it hadn’t been for Jonathan’s eager little face watching me across the breakfast table. I think he felt a bit guilty because he promised to come home early and take me out for dinner but of course he phoned later and said he’d been held up, so that was that. Sorry for the long whine and thank you again for my lovely present.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hate people who talk about being stressed out, consider it to be poofy middle-class whingeing & v naff, so have come up with different expression to describe current state of mind. Think I will say am feeling very highly strung (good as this also implies v well bred & posh). Anyway am feeling v highly strung about central-heating situation as Walt & Lou arrive next week & last night after much hammering followed by silence followed by ‘FUCK, FUCK, FUUUUUUUCK!’ water started pouring through the living-room ceiling. Keith says ceiling will be fine as water ‘rushed through’ rather than trickled. Not quite sure why that’s better but according to Keith it is. As Keith & Gerry are moonlighting all work takes place in the evenings or at weekends. Laying pipes etc necessitates great deal of hammering, fine during the day but tricky at night when you are trying to get offspring to go to bloody sleep. Can’t exactly tell them to stop, as then they would stop. Floorboards up all over the house, a great hazard for someone as clumsy as me (narrowly missed putting my foot through spare-room ceiling). Furthermore, Hugh has discovered untold delight of lifting unsecured floorboards & placing girls’ (& my) cherished possessions under them. When we realised he was doing this subsequent under-board hunt turned up several items including my diaphragm, rather embarrassingly found by Gerry who feigned not knowing what it was – thank God it was in its case so we could both pretend it was my dentures.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Dentures a very clever deception, after all would be terrible if Gerry suspected you sometimes have sex with your husband. Much less embarrassing to have lost all your teeth by your mid-thirties.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Hugh’s debut as Count Dracula

I allowed Ellie to be in charge of painting his face & slicking back his hair in Dracula-type mode. Unfortunately she was unsupervised when she did it so instead of using large pot of gel, prominently placed on basin for this exact purpose, she elected to scrabble through my bathroom cabinet until she found ancient pot of Vaseline which she used instead. Ana Frid has now washed Hugh’s hair about 1000 times (so convenient in a tin bath) but to no avail as he still looks like a v short bouncer from Stringfellow’s.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Our Hallowe’en was something of a partial success. There was trick or treating at our fancy local mall where bored and snooty shop owners stood in the doorways of their shops handing out candy, then we moved on to the houses in our neighbourhood. Called at Suzette’s but couldn’t linger as Rob traumatised by the crazed barking of her vile, jumpy, licky dogs. Suzette was in full costume, dressed as a serving wench and she told me with a trill of girlish laughter that she’s ‘crazy about Hallowe’en and the kids would be so mad at her if she didn’t dress up’ (surprising as Sophie had opened the door for us with her usual morose expression and wearing grungy jeans and a sweatshirt). This episode has proved that Suzette is much more young-at-heart than me (even my own treacherous children asked how come I didn’t dress up like Suzette). Also she is a crafty dresser because wench costume perfect for someone like her who has quite decent boobs but a really fat arse. Anyhow we soon gave up, so many people out half the houses didn’t answer and Rob wouldn’t even approach the ones where there was barking. Will have to plan more carefully next year.