Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

‘Sacre bleu!’ I said.‘Really?! That’s…so…unexpectedly simple.’

‘Yep…it was…’

‘Was?’

Steph went silent and buried her head in her hands. Then started rocking backwards and forwards on my bed. ‘Oh Emma. Then I RUINED it.’

‘What?! How? What did you do?!’

Steph took a breath and looked up. ‘So after we chatted, we hung out for a bit, and it was all really nice…’

‘Yes…?’

‘Then Gracie wanted to do some work and I said, cool, I’ll go. But then Andy messaged me to see what I was up to.’

‘Right…?’

‘So I said, well actually, I’m in the room next door. And he said…come see me. But by the time we’d agreed this, Gracie was already taking me downstairs to say goodbye and she’d been so nice about the whole thing and I didn’t want to make her feel awkward…so…’

‘So?’

‘So, um, I just sort of…panicked and left. And, um, walked down the street.’

I started laughing.

‘And then Andy was all, where are you? And I turned around and walked back up the street.’

I laughed harder.

‘And rang the doorbell. I thought Andy would answer, but, um…’

‘Oh NO.’

‘Yep. Gracie answered. She looked so puzzled. She asked me if I’d left something.’

‘Oh, Steph.’

‘I knowwwww I knowwwww. It would have been so much better to just tell her the fist time. And I said, um, hi Gracie, I’m here to see Andy. Oh God, you should have seen her face.’

I wiped a tear from my eye. ‘Oh, Steph. You idiot.’

‘I know I know I knowww.’

‘I thought you were so much cooler than that.’

‘So did I.’

After that, Steph marched into Andy’s room, told him she liked him and asked him out. He admitted that since the accidental kiss at Gracie’s birthday party she’s all he’s been thinking about, and then they kissed again. Non-accidentally.

1.) I still cannot believe Gracie is all right with this. It’s a miracle. I’m sort of expecting it to be a big ruse and tomorrow Steph will wake up with meat in her bed spelling ‘Judas’.

2.) I can’t believe Steph just asked Andy out. Just like that. How does a person develop that sort of confidence? I’m still developing the confidence to believe I might one day send a wink emoji in a ‘flirty manner’.

After a few hours Steph got up to leave.

‘Andy’s coming over to listen to some music, wanna join?’

I smiled.‘Oh, no, I’ll leave you to it,’ I said.‘Lots of pictures to edit and all that.’

Steph rolled her eyes. (She will never understand the work it takes to get lighting, filtering and captioning just right.)

I would have liked to go with her. But I got Steph all day. I know I should leave them alone for a bit, and go along next time.

posted by EditingEmma 18.31

I Will Never Be Insta-Famous

After Steph left, I tried to rally and focus a bit on my fashion blog/social media. Unfortunately, much like Steph, my mother does not seem to understand the work it takes to achieve quality posts either.

I came into my room and she had put laundry everywhere.

‘Mum!’ I called out. ‘Mum!’

‘What?’ She huffed into the room.

‘What is this?’ I asked, pointing at the laundry rack.

‘Those are your ridiculous sloth slippers, which you insist on keeping.’

‘No, not the sloth slippers. Which, by the way, are not ridiculous. Why are they drying in here?’

Mum blinked. ‘What do you want me to do with them?’

‘I don’t know. Put them in your room.’

‘My room has my laundry in it.’

I clenched my teeth. ‘Well, I’m afraid I don’t have space for this in here. It’s ruining my canvas.’

‘Your canvas?’

‘Yes.’ I pointed at the bit of white wall behind the drying rack. ‘Unfortunately, because my room is so pathetically small, that bit of wall is the only wall that isn’t covered in furniture, or an embarrassing poster from my misguided pre-teen years, i.e. the only wall remotely suitable for taking pictures of my designs against. And my laundry is now in the way.’

Mum nodded. Finally, I seemed to have got through.

‘Yes, I think I’ve got a solution,’ she said.

And she THREW MY SLOTH SLIPPERS OUT THE WINDOW.

I repeat. MY SLOTH SLIPPERS.

OUT. THE. WINDOW.

‘From now on you can do your own laundry,’ she said, leaving the room.

Great, so now not only am I still miles away from Insta-fame, I’m also sloth-slipperless and I have to do laundry. Sometimes the divide between the life I’m leading and the life I should be leading only seems to get wider and wider.

posted by EditingEmma 19.19

Took loads of pictures, posted them, got some likes. Standard. I was at a loss for what to do again, so I lay on the floor. It was then I realized that I’d never seen the ceiling from this angle before. And there was a crack in it I’d never noticed. Amazing. Fascinating, when you really think about it. I’ve lived in this room for what, sixteen years, and never seen it? How many other secrets does my old, familiar bedroom hold?

posted by EditingEmma 20.35

Mum came back into my room. I was still picking up various objects and looking at them from different angles.

‘…Why are you staring at that coat hanger?’ she asked.

‘Ah.’ I held up a hand. ‘To the untrained eye it may seem as if I am merely staring at a coat hanger. But really, I’m unearthing all manner of astonishing hidden truths about the universe.’

‘All right, well, sorry to disturb your enlightenment, but have you read this?’ she asked, holding up some mail from college.

‘Uh, what do you think?’ I said, not looking away from my coat hanger.

‘It says they’re doing a fashion show this year.’

‘OK,’ I replied.

Silence. She kept standing there.

‘Well?’ She tapped her foot. ‘Don’t you care? I thought you were focusing on your interests?’

‘I am.’

‘And I thought your interest was fashion?’

‘It is,’ I said. ‘But that doesn’t extend to giving up my free time to school. I’ve not had a brain transplant.’

Mum sighed. ‘Look, love, I know you’re feeling a bit lost…’

‘I’m coping,’ I said.

‘Yes, so it would seem.’ She glanced at the coat hanger. ‘All I’m saying is, this might help.’ She waved the fashion show leaflet at me.

I looked at it.

‘All right, I’ll think about it… Thanks.’

She left and I put my coat hanger down. For some reason I felt like I might cry.

posted by EditingEmma 22.37

Quite Predictably, Watching PLL

What’s wrong with me?! I usually love lying around re-watching Pretty Little Liars, but I just can’t get into it. I’m feeling really strange and unanchored. Mum’s right… I’m supposed to be focusing on my interests, but going through the same cycle of making clothes, photographing them and getting likes just doesn’t seem to be fulfilling me like it used to. I’m supposed to be focusing on my friendships, and all I’ve managed to do this holiday is photobomb Steph and her boyfriend, and spam my friends with pictures of me brushing my teeth.

And I guess…I guess I have to admit to myself…what I’ve really been trying to avoid thinking about…is that maybe… just maaaaaybe… it’s because I don’t have very many friends?

Aghhh. I don’t know… I’ve never been in this situation before, so it’s never really occurred. But it’s suddenly dawning on me just how few people I actually have in my life that I can call up and hang out with. How is it possible that just because Steph’s busy and Faith’s away, I have no one left?! Literally no one. How pathetic is that?! How do I only have two friends in the entire globe?! The entire globe of nearly eight billion people? TWO? Out of EIGHT BILLION?

Is that normal??!!

I’m Robinson Crusoe, sitting out on a tiny island all by myself. And no one’s coming to rescue me.

Wednesday, 5 November

posted by EditingEmma 12.07

PLL Inspiration

This morning continued in much the same way as yesterday. I got up, designed some novelty socks, posted a picture, got bored, put on more PLL. All the while feeling pretty sorry for myself.

It was then, watching a show I’ve seen so often I can genuinely mouth along with certain scenes, that I was hit with sudden inspiration. Right in the middle of watching the same suspects go round and round in and out of suspicion, I had a real, honest to God light-bulb moment. I felt like Thomas Edison himself, on the brink of a massive, life-changing discovery.

I sat up. It suddenly dawned on me… Yes, my entire life is the same TV shows. The same few people. The same activities. But it doesn’t have to be.

Obviously, I’m not going to stop watching PLL. But what I mean is, it suddenly occurred to me that focusing on my friendships doesn’t have to mean only pre-existing friendships. And focusing on my hobbies doesn’t have to mean just designing clothes when I feel like it.

All that I’ve been doing…it’s not enough. If I’m really going to change my life then I need to go even further. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

I know, I know, it’s not my first rodeo… But just because last term was a total disaster, doesn’t mean all my missions will go awry, right? Ladies and gentlemen… I think it’s officially time to begin work on some Brand. New. Resolutions.

posted by EditingEmma 12.29

New Resolutions

ARE. YOU. READY.

So, after A LOT of reflection on all the disasters from last term, I think I figured out partially where I went wrong. Stopping using the internet to torture/alienate myself and actually use it to connect was, in theory, a well-intentioned and worthy mission. However, I think limiting this only to ‘romantic’ connections was my main error… There are all kinds of connections a mere click away from me that are just waiting to be discovered!

This term, I am eschewing love with a firm hand, but I will continue to use the internet to connect, and to improve my life and me as a person. Behold, my new resolutions:

RESOLUTIONS

Spend even more time purely on myself and my own social media profiles.

I will do this by:

1)Not only stopping stalking Leon, but going one step further and actually never referring to him directly. Ever.

2)Not only by keeping on designing and posting on my new fashion blog, but also posting about…wait for it… THE UPCOMING SCHOOL FASHION SHOW.

Now that I’m done finding boys online, spread the platonic love.

I will do this by:

A) Devoting time and attention to my pre-existing pals, but also…

B) Using the internet to SEEK OUT A NEW ONE.

In conclusion, those hobbies and those friends aren’t gonna know what’s hit ’em!!!

posted by EditingEmma 13.09

Phoned Steph to tell her about my resolutions. At first she didn’t say anything. There was just silence.

‘Steph?’ I called. ‘Earth to Steph?’

She took a deep breath. ‘… I don’t even know where to start.’

‘Am I to understand you see flaws in my brilliant plan?’

‘Just a few.’ She sighed.‘OK. First of all, I thought you were going to stop stalking?’

‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Well, I was going to stop stalking Leon… But I never said anything about new buddies! I mean, is stalking for a good cause even stalking at all?!’

‘OK.’ I could practically hear her eyes rolling. ‘Next question. Never mentioning Leon. Like, ever?’

‘Who?’ I asked.

‘Aren’t you sort of giving him more power? Like Voldemort?’

‘No,’ I said.

‘You are. It makes him like this big, scary, lurking thing.’

‘Voldemort was eventually defeated.’

‘Only because Hogwarts faced him head on.’

‘Yeah, well, some wizards got through it by cowering under a bit of rubble. That can be me.’

Steph sighed again. ‘OK. Fine. Leon shall remain nameless from now on.’

I coughed.

‘I mean, You Know Who shall remain nameless from now on.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Last question. A school event?’

I paused. ‘Yes?’

‘A school event, Emma? You?’

‘All right, so it’s a little out of character… ’

Steph snorted.

‘… but I have sometimes gone to school events.’

So what if a large part of my attendance at My Fair Lady involved hypocritically mocking others for their lack of musical ability? I was still there.

‘I give it three weeks,’ Steph said.

I’ll show her! I’ve already emailed Ms Parker to sign up, and I’m about to get started on…

NEW PALS.

So the concept is a little alien to me and I can’t actually remember the last time I made a new friend… Or, er, how… But how hard can it be, right?! I mean, I have friends. I must have ‘made friends’ with each of them somewhere along the line.

Right…a new friend. A. New. Friend. Hmm.

Maybe for now, I should focus not on the how, but on the who…

And I know exactly where to start…

Hello, laptop, my old friend.

posted by EditingEmma 16.08

Emma’s List of New Bezzies

I’ve spent the last hour drawing up a list of potential new best friends for life, based solely on the Instagram/Twitter profiles of other girls at my college. I have to say…it’s a little bit weird being back here. Internet stalking, I mean. Although obviously it’s completely different this time. In many ways the threat of embarrassment has been completely removed, because there’s so much less that can go wrong. Having said that, it’s sort of harder in a way than when I was looking for a new boyfriend… At least with dating you can look at someone’s picture and know roughly whether or not you find them attractive. But that doesn’t matter with friends. With friends it is literally entirely about personality, which makes this challenging in a different way.

The pool of super-cool ladies seems almost impossibly big. Plus, whilst people put a bit about themselves online, I know from experience it can be a limited view. I mean, Faith posts all those pictures of rocks and twigs and stuff for her art class and we’re still friends. It’s hard to tell sometimes isn’t it?

Still, I’ve done the best I can, based on the somewhat patchy evidence, and drawn up a Top Three.

Kayleigh Spencer

Pros: She won some Maths trophy thing for our school, so she’s obviously very clever. She shares mainly pictures of cats, which indicates she’s warm and unpretentious.

Cons: Although I dig that she’s into Maths and cats, I struggle with even the most basic of mathematical concepts and I’m not really an animal person. Cats always seem to hiss at me. Will she sense that?

Anika Khatri

Pros: She seems fun. I can always hear her across the sixth form centre. Judging from her profiles she’s also an excellent dancer.

Cons: If she’s too fun, will she get annoyed by the amount of hours I spend on Netflix? Will she want to make up dance routines together? Because if so, I can say with absolute confidence this relationship won’t work.

Hannah Condom

Pros: Hannah is actually on the list purely on the basis that her last name is Condom. From this I figure that she must, surely, have had to develop a sense of humour.

Cons: I’m not sure I could resist constantly pointing out that her last name is Condom.

Having assessed the list, I’ve decided that Anika Khatri is the place to start. I can just picture it…us having a good old laugh together in the sixth form centre, engaging in constant chatter… People will be able to hear us from all corners of the school. Oh, what good friends they are, they’ll say. What japes we’ll have! What mischief we’ll cause! If I’m very quiet, I can almost hear our future bonding ringing in my ears.

Also, at parties if I stand near her whilst she dances and don’t move, people might assume I’m also good at dancing just by being near her.

My plan is to go through all of Anika’s profiles and collect as much information as possible, and see what I can use as a ‘conversation starter’.

posted by EditingEmma 16.58

Research on Anika

She has a big family. (Can I ask her about this? Compare to my tiny one?)

She recently went to Bali. (I’ve always wanted to go?)

She had a tooth out. (Ask if was painful?)

Hmm. I don’t know if I should use the tooth thing. That was six months ago and might give away that I’ve essentially been revising her life.

posted by EditingEmma 17.15

Something Awful Has Happened

No. No nonono nonononoooo. NOOOOOOOO.

Oh God.

NO.

How can my plan have gone awry already?!?! I only started this afternoon! And I haven’t even spoken to Anika yet!!!

I’d just completed my research. I was still on her Twitter, about three years back, when I had a sudden urge for a Jammy Dodger. As I was grasping for the Dodger, which was just out of reach, I slipped a little bit…and my other hand was still on the trackpad…

I accidentally clicked.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

For a moment, I thought, it will be OK. You just liked one of her old tweets. Standard. A bit embarrassing but I’ll just pretend it never happened, she’ll just pretend she never saw the notification and we’ll all move on. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in years to come when we’re bezzies.

But no. I didn’t just ‘like’ one of her tweets from the end of last year.

I RETWEETED IT.

Oh God. And it’s possibly one of the weirdest things I could have retweeted. It’s a photo of her ninety-year-old granddad, saying, ‘90 today, wow!! Happy Birthday, love you so much.’

Now Anika’s very old relative is just sitting there on my own profile. Baring his missing teeth in a grim smile, birthday hat tipped jauntily to one side, a glassy look in his eye, about to tuck into his little piece of cake.

I tried to delete it, but, of course, because the Gods of Sod’s Law love to taunt me…at that very moment my computer froze up.

‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!’ I screamed. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!!’

I waited for the computer to restart and raced back on, only to see that Anika had already been online. My heart sank. She’d already seen it.

What do I do now??!

posted by EditingEmma 17.18

He’s still there. It’s starting to feel distinctly creepy. Mum came in and said, ‘Why are you staring at a picture of an old man?’

His glassy eyes are boring into my soul.

posted by EditingEmma 17.25

Gave in and rang Steph again. I know she’s out with Andy today, but desperate times and all that.

‘STEPH,’ I said.

‘What’s up?’

‘I retweeted a picture of Anika Khatri’s grandfather.’

‘I…you what?!’

‘I retweeted a picture of her grandfather. Help! What do I do?’

I heard Andy’s voice in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ Steph said. ‘She retweeted a picture of some girl’s grandfather.’

‘Oh great, let’s involve more people in this,’ I said.

‘Why?’ I heard him say.

‘Yeah, why?’ repeated Steph.

‘It was an accident, OBVIOUSLY.’

‘Why were you on Anika’s profile?’ Steph sounded baffled.

‘She’s number one on the New Friend List.’

‘Hang on, I’m just having a look…’

There was a silence.

‘Oh my GOD.’ Steph burst out laughing again. ‘You total WEIRDO.’

‘Steph, this is not helpful. Any advice on where to go from here would be much appreciated.’

I heard mumbling.

‘Andy says un-retweet immediately.’

‘What about you?’

She thought for a second. ‘I say…style it out.’

‘Style it out?’

‘Yeah. I mean, she’s already seen it. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you just act like it’s totally normal, she’ll think it’s totally normal.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Ooh ooh, I know, you should retweet some more random stuff. Make her think you’re one of those people who just retweets EVERYTHING. You know, like Desperate Paul?’

‘You think that will work?’

‘Definitely.’

posted by EditingEmma 19.01

Right, I’ve just retweeted eleven other things on Anika’s account and I’ve been COMPLETELY indiscriminate. I’ve retweeted everything from old relatives to dance school stuff to how we should all be using Tesco bags for life.

Should I keep on going? 15.59

The more the better I think. S x 15.59

Feeling a bit calmer now. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I will have salvaged this potential relationship.

posted by EditingEmma 19.45

Emma’s New Friend, Part 1: Mission Failed

I don’t believe this!!!! Anika’s blocked me!! She BLOCKED me!!!

Rang Steph again.

‘Steph, she BLOCKED me!’

‘What?!’

‘She’s actually blocked me!’

‘How do you know?!’

‘It says to follow her, and I never unfollowed! That’s a textbook blocking!’

Steph started laughing again.

‘Steph! This is no laughing matter! Does she not know we’ve got a lifelong, rock-solid friendship ahead of us?!’

‘I guess not.’

‘I feel so deflated. I thought she was fun!’

‘Maybe you mistook loud for fun,’ Steph answered.

‘Or maybe I should never have followed your terrible advice,’ I scoffed.

‘Hey, you’re the one who RTed a picture of her granddad. I was trying to be supportive earlier but…there was really nowhere to go from there.’

She has zero regard for my humiliation. Oh my God, I don’t believe this. This is so embarrassing. Blocked by my new best friend. I thought this was going to be a breeze!

Evidence: Meeting new friends online is not necessarily easier than online dating.

Thursday, 6 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.09

New Friend Making: On Hiatus

I’ve decided that, today, maybe I should give ‘making a new friend’ a rest. Clearly I was unprepared for the potential threats that come with any kind of human interactions, not just the ones with kissing involved. I’m also trying not to bother Steph again today, because in ‘giving her space’ yesterday by not physically being with her, all I did was keep on ringing her instead.

Mum came into the kitchen.

‘Why have you got a face like a slapped arse?’ she asked.

‘I’m bored,’ I said. ‘Because I’m giving Steph space.’

I refrained from adding it was also because I got blocked for hounding some random girl at school with a well-intentioned but ultimately scary amount of notifications.

‘What about your other friends?’ asked Mum.

‘Faith’s on holiday.’ I shrugged.

‘Anyone else?’ she nudged. ‘Beginning with a G…?’

‘Gracie?’