Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

‘Win what?’ I asked. Had she entered some kind of competition I didn’t know about?

‘You know,’ said Gracie.

‘No, I really don’t.’

‘You know.’ She raised her eyebrows.

When I didn’t respond she sighed, and said, ‘She’s going to lose her virginity.’

‘I…what? How is that winning?!’

‘Well, she’s going to be the first one.’

I paused, stupefied.

‘… Do you mean winning against all the rest of us?’

She looked at me like I was really, really dumb.

I blinked three times.

‘I’m sorry, I just refuse to believe you haven’t thought it.’

‘I honestly, swear to God, have never thought about it like that.’

Gracie sighed.

‘All right fine you’re an oblivious loser, but you’re still a loser.’

This is confusing to me on so many levels. Firstly:

• Different people are ready at different times. So does my ‘race’ begin from the moment I’m ready or the moment that my best friend is ready? Surely that would be like starting off Usain Bolt about a year behind everyone else on a track and calling it fair?

• Or is this not about being ready at all? But then does that mean you’re just supposed to do it, even if you’re not ready? Why would that be winning? Surely doing something you don’t want to do just for the sake of it is actually losing?

• Even if someone is ready to lose their virginity, they still have to find someone else to lose their virginity with, which seems purely circumstantial to me. I can’t just order up someone I like enough, who likes me back (and I did learn this the hard way).

• Surely this would all logically entail that people who’ve had sex are superior to people who haven’t. I’m just not sure this makes any sense. At the end of the day it’s really just a bodily function, with two people involved instead of one. Or is it the fact that someone else wants to have sex with you that makes you superior? But in that case, all we’d have to do is walk into any old seedy club and I’m sure there’d be hundreds of creepy men there willing to have sex with any one of us.

I showed this list to Gracie. She just shrugged.

posted by EditingEmma 13.19

Can You Tell If Someone’s A Virgin Just By Looking At Them?

Gracie seems to think so, because she keeps staring at Steph and saying stupid things about her appearance being virginal or non-virginal.

‘Look at that walk,’ she said. ‘That’s definitely a non-virgin walk.’

I looked at Steph, walking across the sixth form centre.

‘It’s not,’ I said.

‘Well for one thing, she’s strutting.’

‘Steph always struts.’

‘Nooo.’

‘Yes.’

‘No way!’

‘Yes, you just never noticed before because you didn’t used to analyse her every move.’

‘Look at the way she bites into the cookie!’

I looked again.

‘She’s hungry.’

Gracie fixed her eyes on Steph and furrowed her eyebrows.

‘But then again, that was a very virginal sneeze.’

‘Oh for God’s sake. She’s still a virgin, all right.’

‘Was it the sneeze?’

‘NO.’

‘Well how do you know?’

‘I just know.’

‘How?’ Gracie needled. ‘I’m going to need solid evidence.’

‘Solid evidence like a sneeze?’

She shrugged.

‘I just KNOW, OK.’

‘All right, all right,’ she said.

We sat in silence for a moment.

‘But she’s got a distinctly ex-virgin glow,’ she added in quite a disturbing voice.

I didn’t say anything else so that she’d leave it alone. Because the truth is… I mean, now that she’s said it… I actually don’t know whether Steph’s had sex or not. I mean, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t. But I don’t know for definite. Ugh, I don’t want to admit that!! I don’t want to admit there’s a possibility she might have had sex and might not have told me, because we tell each other everything.

EVERYTHING.

She definitely would have told me, right?! She would have discussed with me, if she was even thinking about it?

RIGHT?

posted by EditingEmma 17.07

Must Leon be EVERYWHERE?! Even When He’s Not Technically In The Room?

Just did my second designing session for the fashion show. Thankfully, this time **** was nowhere to be seen…but his friend Charlie was. He started talking to me when I came in.

‘Hey, can I ask your opinion, Button Queen?’ he said. ‘These or these?’ He held out two kinds of grey buttons.

‘Uh…’ I said.

It was really nice being asked my opinion about a fashion thing, and I did want to talk to him about it… But also what popped into my head when he spoke to me was, I wonder if Leon’s spoken to you about me? I wonder what you know about Leon right now, that I don’t? etc., etc. And it’s unfair of me, I know, but even speaking to Charlie is a little bit of a reminder of the person I would much rather forget.

‘Those, I think,’ I eventually answered and sat down at my station.

I’m not usually stand-offish, but if I’m really going to stop thinking about Leon, fraternizing with his friends just isn’t going to help. I must maintain a safe distance from all things Leon. I mean ****.

Saturday, 15 November

posted by EditingEmma 18.03

Why Did I Sign Up For This, Again?

So, as part of my role on the social media team, it’s my job to create the event for the show. And now, sitting and staring at the blank event, I’m wondering why on EARTH I volunteered for this.

‘Steph! Help me!’ I shouted on the phone.

‘Uh huh.’

‘What do I say on the event description?’

‘Umm…’ I could hear her chewing on something. ‘Be super chill and casual. Like you’re doing this really fun thing people can come to, but ultimately you don’t really care whether anyone comes or not.’

‘OK. Got it. Chill and casual.’

Hey you crazy cats. Some of us have been making some cool clothes and it would be great if you came to see our show. Or Not. Whatever. No pressure.

Rang Steph back, and read it out to her.

‘“Crazy cats”?’ she repeated. ‘Crazy cats?! Since when do you live in the Fifties?’

‘I was going for off-the-wall,’ I said.

‘Hmm, works for Crazy Holly, because she legit doesn’t care…not so much for you.’

‘All right all right, what else needs to go?’

‘Um, ALL of it.’

‘All right, fine, clearly I can’t do casual. I’m going for heartfelt.’

Hello, everyone. We’re working really, really hard on this fashion show, and it would mean a lot to us if you came down to see the fruits of our labours. It’s for a good cause, so please think of the children.

‘Sounds vaguely threatening,’ said Steph.

‘All right, well…’

‘And a bit intense.’

‘OK, I’ll…’

‘And what is fruits of our labours? Now you sound like you’re in the nineteenth century.’

‘Oh my God, I GIVE UP. How does anyone write these things?!’

‘Look, you’re overthinking it. Go again. You’ll get there. I BELIEVE IN YOU.’

Come to our super cool fashion show…

‘Hello, Desperate Paul.’

Join us for a night of fun…

‘Exactly what Mr Morris would say.’

Be there or be square…

‘Oh my God, Emma. I’ve stopped believing in you.’

posted by EditingEmma 18.10

It took three hours but I finally concocted a casual and fun-sounding event description (no thanks to Steph). Now I just have to ‘invite’ people.

Oh my God. There are about five hundred people to invite.

Hovering over the button…

Done.

… And now there are literally five hundred people invited and one ‘attending’.

Me.

OH MY GOD. What have I done?! Why didn’t I prepare?! Why didn’t I have Steph on standby to click attending immediately

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