Will there be Donuts?: Start a business revolution one meeting at a time

‘Good luck. You are going to need it.’

I was at dinner in Italy with a career US diplomat. As you might expect from someone who has being doing that job for 20 years, he was a charming, engaging and calm individual. Until I mentioned I was writing this book.

‘Meetings! Meetings have been the bane of my career. They are pointless! A complete waste of time!!’ He was standing by this point and, I swear, waving a bread stick. ‘I say NO to all meetings now. All except one. I do one meeting a week just to remind myself why I don’t go to any others!!!’.

He eventually calmed down, but when I left the dinner he took me to one side. ‘Good luck,’ he said, like he was sending me into Da-Nang on a one-way mission. ‘You’re going to need it.’

He does have a point. If you really mean to change the way you meet, you are going to be messing with the culture of the business and the deep-seated habits of its employees. You’re going to discover that very often the meetings are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. You are going to be upsetting the status quo. It could get messy.

Great meetings are a noble destination. The question is, are you prepared to do what it takes to get there? [CUE: stirring action movie soundtrack with snare drums and lone bugle. Distant at first but building to the end of this chapter.]

We’re not looking for trainers (training coming as it does from the Latin to drag) but for undercover agents of change.

This isn’t about moving the paper clips around. It’s about setting off a meeting revolution in your business. And that’s going to need meeting revolutionaries. We are looking for people who want to make a difference and understand you may need to be a bit naughty to achieve that. It’s for people who want to see a real difference in their meetings and for that effect to last. (How am I doing in enrolling you, by the way? This wouldn’t be a bad way to set intent and engage people at the beginning of a meeting. Particularly if you add a warning …)

But, before you volunteer, there’s something you should know. It’s a dangerous world out there in Nearly Meeting Land. The inhabitants don’t like to be pushed around. They’ll just push back. This is not for the shy or the unadventurous! You’re going to have to be missionary, secret agent, psychologist and aid worker rolled into one.

Before you sign up, ask yourself: are you the sort of person who could …

Operate in disguise, changing who you appear to be to suit different meeting situations? This could also include deep deception or what we call ‘going native’, pretending to be one of the boring people to gain their trust.

Become an expert in forgery, quickly separating valuable meetings from counterfeit ones?

Hijack meetings from individuals who don’t know how to lead them as well as setting off the occasional full-scale mutiny to regain control when the leadership has gone to sleep?

Set up revolutionary cells, operating under new meeting rules without permission or fear?

Defuse unexploded bombs of emotion which lie under the surface of even polite meetings as well as setting off the occasional controlled detonation?

Practise biological warfare, releasing viruses that make your colleagues allergic to unhealthy practices and create effective new addictions to replace their current ones?

Be bad. Nothing is going to change unless you are prepared to misbehave a little. At school you’d be punished for being a disruptive influence, here it’s an entry requirement. But being bad also means not looking good. Are you willing to try something new and get it wrong? I ask because a lot of us would do anything rather than appear fallible, and even the toughest meeting revolutionaries can unravel when their ego is threatened. Mistakes are inevitable if you really commit to doing things differently. Can you handle that and learn from them?

And, finally, could you

Be ruthless, mercilessly killing off ‘nearly’ meetings you don’t need? You’ll be brutally hacking into the undergrowth of regular meetings choking your day. And culling the cute, furry little ad hoc meetings that look up with those puppy eyes and say, ‘Take me home, I won’t take up much time and I’ll make you feel soooo important.’

If you can answer yes to these questions, then welcome to the rest of the book. Please, stand and repeat after me the motto of the Guild of Meeting Mischief Makers. ‘Finis ad Fastidium!’* That’s ‘Bore No More’, to you and me.

Remember, this isn’t a book about boring meetings and whether you want to have them. It’s a book about boring lives and whether you want to live one.

* Despite our title I’m not sure I’d recommend a donut as a meeting snack. As the New York Obesity Research Center puts it, ‘The average donut is nothing more than refined sugar and flour, artificial flavors and partially hydrogenated oil that’s loaded with trans fats. When it comes to health, the only thing good about them is the hole.’

* Some clients do prefer the alternative Latin motto which goes: ‘Quaerimus Et Si Non Invenio Facimus Malum (we go looking for trouble – and if we don’t find any, we make some) but it’s harder to print on a T-shirt.

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