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You make plans like building skyscrapers

you don't think of tomorrow,

but everything is changing

soon

You will climb to the top of this building

At midnight

and you’ll fall

You are unstable

You are polar

And I'm sorry

That you can’t handle

all your manias

all your depressions

all your remissions

But all these weeks and months

don't define you

you're better than you think you are

The war in the room

begins

The war for two

for the weakest

for the strongest

for peaceful

and bellicose

but it all had to be left on the battlefield

but the living room

the bedroom turned to battleground

The child hides under the bed

and the monsters hug him over his shoulders

they are his best friends

they protect him

while his dad draws out his swords and spears

While they're fighting the war in the room

I have got a lot to say

about men

who betrayed me

who attacked my mom

who ruined decades of my grandmother's life

About men

who killed my friend

About men

who insulted my classmate

About men

Who take us for granted

About men

who

thought they had access to my hidden body

sparks of anger and aggression flickered in their eyes

when I opened my mouth to say something,

something that a good woman shouldn't say

because they expect me to look at the floor

to agree

but I keep both feet on the ground

and I show my claws

When I speak out loud he – gets angry

When I am silent – he gets angry

When I sit quietly next to him – he gets angry

When I'm not here – he gets angry

He would be happy only if I didn’t exist.

When I disagree – he is upset.

When I agree – he says that I am too accommodating.

When I don't give a damn – he gets offended.

But when I care – he says it's not worth trying.

He says everything is fine

but nothing is okay as long as women live in this uncertain world of double standards.

I am to blame myself

I came to him myself

I undressed myself

I made him do it .

I provoked him

I'm a provocateur.

I am the worst evil in the flesh

this is what they made me believe

this is my short skirt

when it closes me to my heels

the reason is my neckline

but the truth is that I button all the buttons

The reason is my sight

But I look into the distance

But not at him

this is how they are justified and I am blamed

I should be a good housewife,

but I want to dive into the depths of the Universe.

I must be thin enough,

but I want to eat deliciously and be healthy

I have to be ready

if he wants

but I shouldn't.

My body – my rules

There is the truth.

If I want to be illustrated like a book of fairy tales

So it’s going to be so.

If I want to cut off my hair,

then the scissors are already in my hands.

If I want the balance arrow not to move to a minimum number —

I will gladly take a bigger plate.

These are my rules

This is my life

This is my game

You walk the city roads

I pass by your favourite stores

I’m still learning about you

I’m still studying your Science of being the mature young as you are.

I don't even know if you moved on and maybe that's the reason why your room is filled with darkness.

Maybe someday you'll give me a sign

Your shadow will flash in the light of streetlights outside my yard

And I'll know

that you were here

Give me the sign

Turn off the streetlights

But I'll find you

I'll step on the path that leads me to you

Anyway

Wishing I go out and our gazes meet

Like the first time

I can feel your breath

This is the wind that moves

the trees behind my garden.

Trees that drew pictures in my imagination

when I was little.

It was better than all the fairy tales

I could ever read.

When I was a child and it was the time to go to bed

Trees lined up

It seemed to me they turned into characters

of stories that I always read before falling asleep.

But when I almost did

They seemed to divide and open the way,

the way to the fairy world.

Fireflies circled around

And the mysterious melody was soothing.

They lead me to the castle covered with moss and ivy.

I walked barefoot on the stones

on the bridge paved

with stones

There was wonderful purple river underneath The little boat sailed away

into the distance.

It seemed that this magical world became as real as my room in my house.

The little boat sailed away

all me fears

into the distant horizon.

I can barely remember the sound of your voice.

Unfortunately, I never meant to record it on the cassette.

But I remember breaking into tears there in the dark hall

And now your face is erased by the running time.

I'm running out of time.

As if the puzzle is missing a few pieces

When the puzzle is missing a few pieces

A few details

Where the devil is hiding.

You can't fix it with something else.

There are holes in the whole beautiful picture you can only imagine

what it would look like.

The way I was thinking of what we could have been.

If all the missing pieces would be finally found,

or if they wouldn't be lost.

But the joke is that us is only these empty spaces among the colourful pieces

We are both too small and too big to fit in,

to suit the composition.

They travel to nearby towns

They stay in countryside

But it's not enough just for me.

They watch TV

Every evening after coming home from work

Eating and sipping something

I don't even want to try.

Am I the wrong one?

Do I need to be fixed?

I meet their eyes

when I talk about Universe.

I point to the sky and show them the constellations

They say they never think about the space and time.

It's something I'll never understand

Because I don't understand what it's like

to live on the planet circling around the Giant gas ball.

Around the white sphere

Walking on a piece of Big Bang we call it The Earth.

To breathe the atoms in.

To be made of star dust.

And never think about it.

We should be grateful to this coincidence in space

That created the matter that we are

So we could just live this life every day

according to already known scenario.

The trees outside my window painted your face

And when the wind blows – you smile

The moment that I hoped I knew you

at least a little

Were you doing wrong

leaving me in the middle of the street?

Among the neutral faces

and their issues.

And in the last day of August,

when my birthday came

I was waiting for you to come

I wanted to get a short message

from you.

I used to read your lines you used to text me back

Getting my handwritten letters

filled with epithets

I confessed my feeling to you.

Showing my emotions

showing the pictures you might have never seen

There were writings on the wall

You've been pinned to

And you said I hammer nails in your palm

And when I was choosing my clothes

I thought

Would you like this sweater?

You bet on me as if I was in this game for two.

There was no winning place

And you ended up alone standing on the top

You thought you would win awards and trophies

Your name will be famous

Killing me would make you famous

and put your name in the world

I'm scared to disappoint you but you were wrong

I'm not the best you know

But why don't you tell me to go?

Why don't you slam the door?

If you don't want to see me falling.

If you can't stand me crawling.

I never said you should

take it all for you in your hand

You shouldn't instead

Act like it's good

When it's awfully bad.

Probably I'm out of my head.

Out of my mind.

I'm not much for pretending

it's okay when it's totally not.

The bruises burn my skin

that seems to be so plastic

that seems to be thin.

Seems I give up the fight

for another day

of my weak life.

We moved on to a new place trying to make it our home

It was the best of you.

I liked you just in time

and that's all I did.

And all I've got now is yours

messages that I still read.

You make me feel something I can't explain

I gave you that much

And darling I can even more.

Maybe that'll be alright

If you’ll say

That you won't be lying anymore.

I'm tired of this mindless hope

I'm on the edge

of this hopeless

Romantic war

I just realized

it took some time

to find out that

things were quite right.

Everything was in the place

When the trees touched the sky.

I tried to call you

tried to reach to you

with all my strength.

I wrote a thousand letters.

You said if I could leave you alone

It would be much better.

Don't let me fall down

I want to be back on the ground.

Bricks in the wall

they all make me drown

deeper and deeper.

There's a red light in your evil eyes

You fell under the spell of the devil

Sort of things that every person of your generation do.

She'll give us the sign

As soon as she reaches the place

It’s going to be pouring rain

coming down.

It’s going to be the shining sun looking through the haze.

And if I am another contestant

in your game of darkest sins

I'd rather be the one who lose

Than be the one who takes the winner place

I don't know how to deal with that

It haunts me all the way down

I am my own enemy

I am my own hostage

My mind – my own prison

I'm my own little, lonely town.

The town where the light of long-dead stars is seen brighter in the blue-black skies.

In the burning heaven

I look at

trying to find the answer.

Because all the lights have long gone out

in one moment

as if by the snap of a finger

as if by a wave of the hand.

They say that the fault is in these very stars

They are responsible for all troubles, misfortunes and sorrows,

so why do they die?

We blamed the stars

We blamed receding galaxies for our ever-expanding universe

Where as some scientists say, space and time rule everything.

The stars we blamed

when we misbehaved

Turned to ashes

And believe me

they don't want the same fate for you.

If you ask

then you are still alive

If there is that unsolved riddle you are striving for

then you can still be saved

But what if you know exactly

what it’s like to explode becoming the part of all the great and unattainable and divine?

Guitar strings

Black and white keys

Flutes and violins

Deep voices

Like an ornament

Two angels are holding your hands

Their fluffy wings

You feel their touch

Gates of paradise

and the light is reflected in your big curious eyes

no more of your past long agonizing nights.

Is there better place than the earth you spent time on with us, my dear?

I hope you nod your head yes

Otherwise I don't see the point in this all

right now right here

If a girl with curly hair

That looks like she came down from the books pages

she loved so much

dies.

And a mug of milk

And cookies that you baked together.

Misted windows in the kitchen.

And the forest behind the yard

Where you walked

and sandy road

asphalt hid the traces of our children's feet.

All these years

imprinted in my memory

stuck in the chambers of my brain

like an immovable sculpture,

a monument.

and I keep it,

cherish it as a value,

as the treasure

like the dried leaves

of a long-gone autumn

I saved it in my box

underneath my bed

Those shining looks,

outstretched arms

wide smiles

Time can’t erase it

Listen to me now

I'm not a fool.

I'm not just something that exists on this earth

I feel

I live

I understand

I make wishes,

I dream and make plans

I work my fingers to the bone

I am learning everything while you sit on your throne,

while you spit poison on those

who love and protect others.

Maybe I don’t know something

But I know we are not your puppets,

I know that we are smart enough to choose.

My women are my sisters

I appreciate every inch of their bodies

Their short

long

colourful hair

I love women

because they are my sisters

with their scars

with their wounds

with their different skin

I love when women talk

because we have a lot to say

and we don't have to keep it inside

to be appreciated

because our dignity is our loud voices

I don't need your approval to write these lines

because there is nothing criminal about my words

there is nothing criminal in the fact that women are my sisters.

What did you feel seeing that girl with golden hair

With textbooks she held in her hands

The girl you saw the last time

last year

in the dark school hallways

The girl who came home

The girl who was writing long poetic metaphorical letters she saved in the box?

I'm driving to your house

In the midnight

In the haze

I'm carrying your things

I see your shadows

Underneath

The sheets of my diary

It saved your trace

Of your fingertips

You are my inspiration

You are my Starry night

I see out of my window

When the lights

Turned off

The snow remembers my knees

I fell down on

Crying over the phone

Do you still hear me begging you to stay

I don't really know all the reasons why

But I know that the seasons change

They take my memories of you away

They said we'd never talk again

All the cinematic movies we have seen

All the breath-taking books that we both read

The city's streets are keepers of

The words you have said

I blamed the northern wind

Cursed at the enigmatic

Luminous stars

They are the witness of that time

When you held me in your embossed arms

You were there for me

Said you'll be watching my back

Is there anything new down your way?

Even after six long years

There's nothing new to say

I just should tell myself

The seasons have already changed

Twenty four times

They took all of you with them

I should stop looking for your traces

The fingertips you left on my diaries

I should stop pretending the breath of the wind if your breath

The seasons changed

And erased you away

Every single time the autumn changes to winter

And winter opens its arms to the spring setting its three-month timer

I see the way the seasons change

And the little piece of you is fading away

Into the lavish, affluent, floral colourful summer

Can't tear out a single page from this book

No matter how hard I try

All the happy moments on the pictures now

They go to waste

Every little thing reminds me of you

What kind of things will replace it?

My salvation is your midnight lie

Because it feels like coming home

After a long absence

I love the way the sunlight reflects in the windows

The sky above the trees

The nights I see you in my dreams

Is the pain that you can ease

But pain comes back with renewed vigor.

The blowing wind is you breathing slowly

My life is the line you'll never cross

You crossed your heart

Opening the door

Going out of my room

Driving away from my house

Brewing a cap of tea

Breathing in

Looking out the window

As if looking in the mirror

At the reflection you had been trying to change

My standard of living is the book you'll never want to read

The most of lines of the love we made up

Once upon a time

Late at night

In the woods

In a small hut

We made on our own

But you said it wasn't your initiative

From the very begging

From wearing the necklace

From touching the hands

From meetings on the street

and waiting impatiently till the traffic lights say go

You said you never meant to hold the pen

You said I operate your hand

The joke is not on you

I am the one to blame

I absolutely understand.