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‘And he won’t ask Stephen or Andrea for it?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
‘So what’s the worst that will happen? You’ll lose a few thousand?’
‘Maybe more.’
‘Does it matter? I mean, it’s not as if you’re strapped, Max. You don’t ever have to work again if you don’t want to. A few pounds, a few days out of a lifetime, isn’t so much to ask, is it?’
He turned slowly back to her, his eyes bleak. ‘I thought we had it all. I thought we were happy.’
‘We were—but it all just got too much, Max. And I’m not going back to it, so if you can’t do this, can’t learn to delegate and take time out to enjoy your family, then we don’t have a future. And, to have a future, we have to be able to trust each other.’
He didn’t move for a moment, but then he sighed softly, threw her phone back into her bag and straightened up.
‘You’d better show me how to work the washing machine, then, hadn’t you?’ he said with a little twisted smile, and she felt the breath ease out of her lungs.
‘It’ll be a pleasure,’ she said, almost giddy with relief, and, leading him into the utility room, she introduced him to the concept of home laundry.
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_3ead7789-93e6-59bb-959c-80a825ae1642)
THE babies were cute.
Sweet, messy, temperamental and cute. And boring.
Not when they were awake, but when they were asleep, and Jules was asleep, and the house was so quiet he wanted to scream.
And it struck him he was the one doing all the adjusting.
How fair was that? Not fair at all, he thought, simmering, and it hadn’t been his idea that he’d been cut out of their lives.
So far—thirty-odd hours in—he’d learned to run a bath the right temperature, how to put the washing machine on, how to aim food at a baby’s face, not always successfully, and how not to drink tea. That had been lesson one, and one he was unlikely ever to forget.
But now, at eleven o’clock at night, when he would usually be working on for at least another three hours, Julia had gone to bed, the babies were settled till the morning and there was nothing to do.
Nothing on the television, no way of keeping in touch with Yashimoto—who would by then have been back in the office, because he started early—and no way of contacting anyone in New York, where they’d all still be at work.
He paced around the kitchen, made tea, threw it down the sink, because he’d drunk gallons of the stuff during the day, and contemplated the wine he’d brought back the night before from the pub. He’d only had a couple of glasses, so there was nearly two bottles, but he didn’t drink alone. Dangerous.
Then he thought of the pub.
He stepped out of the back door to let Murphy out into the garden, and coincidentally see if the pub lights were on, and realised it was in darkness. Of course it was, he thought in disgust. It was a gastro-pub in the country—a restaurant, really, more than a pub—and they stopped serving at something ridiculous like nine, so he couldn’t even go there and drown his sorrows. And it was so damned quiet!
Except for that screaming he could hear in the background. He’d heard it a moment ago, and now he was standing outside the French doors he could hear it clearly, a truly blood-curdling noise, and it chilled him to the bone. Murphy’s hackles were up and he was growling softly, so Max called him back inside and shut the door, then went upstairs and knocked on Julia’s bedroom door. She opened it a moment later, wearing pyjamas with cats all over them and rumpled with sleep, and he had to force himself to stick to the point.
‘There’s a noise,’ he said without preamble, not letting himself look at the little cats running about all over her body. ‘Screaming. I think someone’s being attacked.’
She cocked her head on one side, listened, and then smiled. ‘It’s a badger,’ she said. ‘Or a fox. They both scream at night. I’m not sure which is which, but at this time of year I think it’s probably a badger. The foxes make more noise in the spring. Did it wake you?’
And then she looked at him and sighed. ‘Oh, Max—you haven’t been to bed yet, have you? You ought to sleep. You’re exhausted.’
‘I’m not exhausted. I’m never asleep at this time of night.’
‘Well, you should be,’ she scolded softly, then went back into her bedroom and emerged again, stuffing her arms into a fluffy robe that hid the cats, to his disappointment. ‘Tea?’
He didn’t want tea. The last thing he wanted was tea, but he would have drunk neat acid just then to have her company.
‘Tea sounds great,’ he said gruffly, and followed her downstairs.
It couldn’t be easy for him, to be lobbed in at the deep end, and it didn’t get much deeper than twins. He’d never been someone who needed much sleep, and, with nothing to do in the night but think, he must be turning this whole situation over and over in his mind.
Good, she told herself. Maybe he’d see the error of his ways.
Or maybe she’d just drive him away.
‘Is there any wood on the fire?’ She asked, and he shrugged.
‘I don’t know. There was. I put the guard up—does it stay alight all night?’
‘I don’t normally light it,’ she confessed. ‘The girls and I spend most of our time in the kitchen.’
‘So why did you ask?’
‘Because I thought—I’ve got DVDs of the girls, right from when they were born. Actually, from before. I’ve got a 4D-DVD of the scan. It’s amazing.’
‘4D?’
‘Mmm—3D and real time. They call it 4D. You can see them moving, and it’s amazingly real. And I’ve got lots of stuff of them when they were in special care, and all the things they do for you, like hand-and footprints and their tiny little name-bands and weight charts and stuff like that. I thought, if it was warm in there, we could watch them, but you’ll probably think it’s all really boring—’
‘No! No, I won’t. I—I’d like to see,’ he said gruffly, sounding curiously unlike Max, uncertain and hesitant. He was never hesitant, and she looked at him searchingly.
‘Good,’ she said softly. ‘Go and see if you can revive the fire, and I’ll bring us tea.’
And biscuits, some rather gorgeous chocolate biscuits that were more chocolate than biscuit, and some cheese and crackers, because she knew he’d be hungry and he frankly needed fattening up.
He was crouching by the fire when she went in, blowing on the embers and trying to breathe life into the glowing remains, and as she put the tray down the logs flickered to life and a lovely orange glow lit the hearth.
‘Oh, that’s super. Well done. Here, have some cheese and biscuits,’ she instructed, and rummaged in the cupboard next to the television for the DVDs.
‘Scan first?’ she suggested, and his brows pulled down slightly, as if he was troubled.
He nodded, and she slipped it into the slot and sat back against the front of the sofa by his legs, cradling her tea in her hands while the images of the unborn babies unrolled in front of them.
‘How pregnant were you when this was taken?’ he asked softly, a little edge in his voice that she’d never heard before, and she swivelled round and looked up at him, puzzled.
‘Twenty-six weeks.’
A shadow went over his face, and he pressed his lips together and stared at the screen as if his life depended on it. She turned back and watched it with him, but she was deeply conscious of a tension in him that she’d never felt before. When the DVD was finished and she took it out, she felt the tension leave him, and, as he leant back against the sofa to drink his tea, his hand shook a little.
Odd. Max’s hands never shook. Ever. Under any circumstances. And yet he’d always been so adamant that he didn’t want children, that their lives were complete without them. So why had the images of his children before they were born been so moving to him?
The fire was roaring away now, and Murphy heaved himself up from his position in front of it and came over, flopping down against Max’s legs. Max leant down and scratched the dog’s neck and pulled his ears, an absent expression on his face, and Murphy lifted his head and gazed adoringly at Max as if he’d just found his soulmate.
‘I think you’ve got a new friend,’ she said, and Max gave a crooked little grin and smoothed Murph’s head with a gentle hand.
‘Apparently so. I expect he misses John.’
‘I expect he wants the crackers on your plate,’ she said pragmatically, and Max chuckled and the mood lifted a fraction, and she breathed a little easier.
‘So—what’s next?’ he asked, and she put on the first film of the girls after they’d been born.
‘Here they are—they’re two days old. They were born at thirty-three weeks, because my uterus was having trouble expanding because of the scarring and they’d stopped growing. Jane and Peter came in and filmed it for me. They were amazing—so supportive.’
‘I would have been supportive,’ he said, his voice rough, and she felt another stab of guilt.
‘I didn’t know that, Max. You’d always been so against the idea of children. If I even so much as mentioned IVF you flew off the handle. How was I to know you wanted to be involved?’
‘You could have asked me. You could have given me the choice.’
She could have. She could have, but she hadn’t, and it was too late now to change it. But she could apologise, she realised, and she turned towards him and took his hand.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, making herself meet his eyes and steeling herself for the anger that she knew she’d see in them. But instead of anger there was pain. ‘Max?’ she whispered, and he pulled his hand away and stood up.
‘Maybe we’ll do this another time,’ he said, and without a word he headed for the door. She heard him go upstairs; heard the bathroom door close and water running. With a sigh she turned off the DVD player and the television, put the fire-guard up and cleared away their cups and plates, then put Murphy out one last time before shutting him in the kitchen and going upstairs.
She heard the shower turn off as she went into her own bedroom and closed the door, then a few minutes later she heard him come out of the bathroom and go down the landing to his bedroom, closing the door with a soft click.
She didn’t sleep for hours, and, when she woke, it was to hear the back door open and Max calling the dog. The sky was just light, the day barely started, and, as she lifted herself up on one elbow, she saw Max heading down the drive with Murphy trotting beside him. He was wearing jogging bottoms and trainers with a T-shirt, and she watched him turn out onto the hill, cross the river and run away up through the village out of sight, the dog at his heels.
She didn’t know what was wrong, but she had a feeling it wasn’t the obvious. There just seemed to be something else going on, something she didn’t know about, and she didn’t know if she could ask.
Probably not. He’d been pretty unapproachable last night. Maybe he’d tell her in his own good time, but one thing was absolutely certain.
Max was right out of his comfort zone, and living with him for the next two weeks was going to be interesting, to say the least.
Not to mention frustrating and heartbreaking and undoubtedly painful.
She just hoped it would prove to be worth it…
He ran along the lane out of the village, turned left along another tiny, winding lane, cut down across a field and over the river on a flat iron bridge—used by tractors, he supposed—and then up to a bridlepath that cut through to the village again just opposite the drive to Rose Cottage.
It had taken twenty minutes, so he supposed it was about three miles. Not far enough to numb him, but enough to take the edge off it and distract him from the endless turmoil in his mind.
The light was on in the kitchen as he jogged across the drive, and Jules was watching him, her face unreadable at that distance through the old leaded lights. But she had her arms full of washing or something, and she was in that fluffy dressing-gown again, presumably with the little cats underneath.
He suppressed a groan and walked the last few steps to the back door and let himself in, a wet and muddy Murphy by his side.
‘Bed!’ she ordered, and the dog turned and went into his bed in the space under the stairs.
‘Is that just him, or do I have to go in there, too?’ Max asked, and she smiled a little uncertainly and searched his face with troubled eyes.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Fine. We’ve had a good run—’
She stopped him with her hand on his arm and looked up into his eyes with that way of hers that made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. ‘Are you really all right?’
‘I’m fine,’ he said, a little more sincerely, because he was, really. It was just that DVD which had stirred things up, made him sad and emotional all over again, and he hated it. Hated being out of control of his feelings—hated his feelings, full stop.
‘I’ve made tea,’ she said, and he opened his mouth to tell her he didn’t want any damn tea, then shut it, smiled and nodded.
‘Thanks. Are the babies awake yet?’
She shook her head. ‘No. They will be soon. Why?’
‘Oh, just wondered. I need a shower, but I don’t want to disturb them. I’ll have my tea and wait a bit, if you can stand me all sweaty and mud-splattered.’
She ran her eyes over him and gave a tiny huff of laughter, but, as she turned away, he noticed a soft brush of colour in her cheeks. Really? He could still do that to her?
‘I’m sure I can stand you for long enough to drink your tea,’ she said lightly, but her voice was a little strange, not quite itself, and she was folding and smoothing nappies on top of the Aga as if her life depended on it.
He thought of their kiss, just the lightest touch of his lips to hers, and heat seared through him. Because he wanted to do it again, wanted to haul her up against him and tunnel his fingers through that tousled, rumpled hair, and plunder her mouth with his until she was whimpering with need and clawing at him for more…
‘On second thoughts, maybe I’ll go and have a look through my clothes and find something to wear after my shower,’ he said, and retreated to the door before he embarrassed himself.
‘What’s wrong with yesterday’s new clothes?’ she asked, and he hesitated in the doorway, one foot on the bottom of the stairs just outside in the hall, and looked at her over his shoulder.
‘Nothing. I just wasn’t sure if I they’d be right for what we’re doing today.’
‘So what are we doing?’ she asked, looking puzzled.
Good question. ‘Taking the girls to the seaside,’ he told her, thinking on his feet. ‘It’s a gorgeous day, and the forecast is mild and sunny all day.’
‘In which case your jeans and jumper will be perfect. Come back and sit down and drink your tea. If you start banging about in the room next to them, they will wake up, at this time of day, and frankly the peace is short-lived enough.’
He swallowed, crushed the lust that was threatening to give him away. But he needn’t have worried because she scooped up the washing and carried it out to the utility room, and he took his tea over to the sofa in the bay window and sat down with one foot hitched up on the other knee, and by the time she came back in he had himself back under control.
Just.
He was right, it was a gorgeous day.
They took the babies to Felixstowe, parked the car at one end of the prom and walked all the way along to the other end. The wind was from the north-west, so they were totally sheltered by the low cliffs at the north end. But, when they turned back into the wind, it was a little cooler so Max turned the buggy round and towed it, while she walked beside him and enjoyed the freedom of being able to swing her arms as she walked.
‘Do you know,’ she pointed out, ‘that, apart from corporate trips when we’ve been abroad, this is the first time in six years that we’ve been to the beach?’
He glanced sideways at her and pulled a face. ‘I suppose you’re right. It’s not something I’ve ever thought of doing—not in England, anyway. And I’ve never been a beach-holiday person.’
‘I’m not talking about beach holidays,’ she said. ‘I’m talking about walking by the sea, with a good, stiff breeze tugging my hair and the taste of salt on my skin. It’s gorgeous—bracing and healthy and—oh, wonderful!’
