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My life is awful. All I want to do is graduate and get away from home.
February 5, 1966
Jillian,
Be my Valentine. Meet me behind the snack booth after the hootenanny.
Nick Murphy
February 6th
Latin Class
Jillian,
You’re not going to do it, are you? What will Scott say? And Jillian—these verbs are impossible! I might as well give up and just accept that I’m going to get a C.
Lesley
Les,
Scott’s visiting the University of Oregon this weekend. He’ll never know. I haven’t decided if I’ll go or not.
And Lesley—I’ll help you with the verbs. We’re going to be co-valedictorians, remember?
Jillian
You’ve got that look in your eyes. You’re going to meet him, I can see it. Just promise me one thing. BE CAREFUL and for heaven’s sake, don’t let your parents find out about this!
Lesley
No one else knows. I promise I’ll give you a full report afterward.
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
February 11, 1966
Nick Murphy has never lacked nerve—that’s for certain. My dad would have a conniption if he found out I was planning to meet Nick. My stomach was in knots the entire hootenanny even though we sang all my favorite songs: “Kum ba yah,” “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” and “If I Had a Hammer.”
Everyone was there…except Nick. I kept looking around for him and after a while I realized he’d stood me up. I’d agonized for days about whether I should meet him or not, and then Nick Murphy didn’t even have the common decency to show up.
After the hootenanny Cindy wanted me to drag the boulevard with her, but I made up some excuse and headed toward the parking lot, half expecting and desperately wanting to find Nick waiting for me. He wasn’t there, either. I’d been torn about meeting him behind Scott’s back, but Nick made the decision easy.
I was furious when I left the football field. Then I thought I might’ve gotten the day wrong or the time or something. Mostly I was disappointed and angry. How dare he! Just to be on the safe side, though, I decided to double back.
Sure enough, there he was, leaning against the snack booth, confident as anything. He had his motorcycle and looked so cool in his leather jacket. He smiled that sexy smile of his when I pulled into the parking lot. It was almost as if he knew I’d come back looking for him.
One thing I can’t tolerate is arrogance, and Nick’s got so much it’s practically coming out his ears. I almost drove away right then and there, but thank goodness I didn’t. Before I could tell him how mad I was, he reached for my hand, kissed it and asked if I’d be his Valentine. I must’ve looked terribly silly—I know I was confused. Somehow I managed to stutter that I wasn’t sure yet. He laughed. I should’ve told him Scott’s already given me a box of chocolates, but just then my steady was the last person on my mind.
We sat in the bleachers and Nick said he’d ended up having to close the station and that was why he’d been late. He said he was glad I’d come back. Then he talked about his family. He mentioned his dad some, but mostly he talked about his mother who died of cancer when he was ten and Jimmy was five. I wasn’t sure what I expected when he asked to meet me, but I didn’t think all we’d do was talk. That was exactly what we did. It was as though we’d been waiting all these months and we both had all this information stored up inside us that we had to get out first.
Later he gave me a ride around the field on the back of his motorcycle and I slid my arms around his waist and held on. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair and the smell of his leather jacket. Afterward, I was so hoping he’d kiss me, but he didn’t. He wanted to. I could tell by the way he kept looking at my lips. When we left, he followed me most of the way home to make sure I got there safely, which made me feel really good. Cherished. He didn’t ask to see me again, and that disappointed me.
Now that I’m home and in my room, I can’t sleep. This excited, happy feeling is keeping me awake. I knew I had to write it all down. I want to remember every last detail. I told Lesley I’d report back everything that happened, but I don’t know if I will. This is the first time I’ve kept anything from her. I know something’s happening in her life that she hasn’t told me about, and I understand that now. I like Nick so much I can hardly think of anything without him popping into my mind. My New Year’s resolution hasn’t been fulfilled yet, but I’m positive it’s going to happen. The only thing that remains a mystery is when Nick will kiss me. It’s no longer an if—he wants to kiss me as much as I want him to. I just hope it’s soon.
March 10th
Latin Class
Verb conjugations are so boring. Isn’t it great that the Beatles are coming to Seattle? I’d love to go to the movies with you on Saturday, but I can’t. My mom needs me to help around the house with spring-cleaning. What’s Charade about, anyway? I think Cary Grant is so handsome! If Sister Angelica finds this note, we’re both going to end up with a detention.
Love,
Lesley
March 15, 1966
Dear Lesley,
I’ve missed you! School was a real drag while you were out. There’s no one to pass notes to when you’re not here—no one I like, anyway! I’ve been worried about you. Is everything all right? We hardly talk anymore. I know you’re upset about seeing Buck with that other girl, but isn’t that what you wanted? Sister Angelica said you look pale and you do. You’ve lost weight, too. (Lucky you!) I’ll see you at lunch.
Jillian
March 17th
Buck, we need to talk. Please phone me right away.
Lesley
Soroptimists International of Pine Ridge
200 Sixth Avenue
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
March 20, 1966
Miss Lesley Adamski
220 Railroad Avenue
Pine Ridge, Washington 98005
Dear Miss Adamski,
It is a great pleasure to inform you that we have selected you as this year’s recipient of our $1,000 college scholarship. The committee was impressed with your essay about your desire to further your education. It’s bright, responsible young women like you who are the hope and future of our country.
Congratulations!
Sincerely,
Sarah Janus,
President
Jillian’s Diary
March 23, 1966
I met Nick again and, of all places, in the town cemetery. He showed me where his mother’s buried and we left flowers there. We walked through the cemetery, holding hands, and talked for a long time afterward. He told me his dad fought in World War II and has a medal for distinguished service. My dad was in the war, too, but he never talks about it.
This is the third time Nick and I have met on the sly like this. I love it when he takes me out on his Harley because I can put my arms around his waist and press my cheek against his back. Nick admitted that riding his motorbike gives him a surge of power and freedom and he says it’s a real high.
What’s strange is that so far, all we’ve done is hold hands. Every time we’re together I’m convinced he’s going to kiss me and it hasn’t happened. Not from lack of wanting on my part. Sometimes I wonder why he keeps asking me to meet him. The last person I expected to be the perfect gentleman is Nick Murphy! Tonight, I finally got the courage to ask him if he ever intended to kiss me. He didn’t answer right away. In fact, it took him so long I thought he might not have heard me. Then he said he wanted to kiss me more than anything, but he refused to do it while I’m wearing Scott’s class ring.
I wish now that I hadn’t asked. Not because I dread breaking it off with Scott. It’s always been understood that we’d eventually go our separate ways. He’ll be attending the University of Oregon in Eugene and I’ll be either at Barnard or the University of Washington. I dread returning Scott’s ring because I know what will happen between Nick and me once I do.
The electricity between us is so strong I swear it sometimes crackles. Up until now, we’ve both pretended it isn’t there, but it is. Some nights I lie awake and try to imagine what it would be like to have Nick Murphy make love to me. Then I feel guilty for thinking such impure thoughts and immediately say the rosary.
Before we parted, I told Nick we probably shouldn’t meet again. I hoped he’d argue and tell me how badly he wanted to be with me. Instead he agreed—but we will continue seeing each other and meeting whenever we can. He knows it and so do I. I can’t stay away from him any more than he can stay away from me. As different as we are, we both recognize that we were meant to be together.
I’ve dated Scott forever, but I’ve never felt like this about him. Every moment I’m with Nick I feel this intensity, this wonder. It’s strange that we could be so different and yet so alike.
March 24, 1966
Dearest Lesley,
Surprise! Remember when you were a little girl and I used to tuck notes inside your lunch box? I bet you’d forgotten. Lesley, I found the letter from the Soroptimists in your room and no, I wasn’t sneaking through your chest of drawers! I read it and almost burst with pride. Why didn’t you tell me? I’m so excited, it was all I could do to keep from shouting.
Oh, Lesley, if only you knew how thrilled I am that you have a chance to attend nursing school. I always wanted to, but as you know your father and I got married instead.
Were you afraid to tell us about the scholarship? Or did you want to surprise us later? We both know how your father feels about you girls getting a college education, but he can’t argue with a scholarship, can he?
You’ve been so quiet lately, not like yourself at all. If you were afraid to mention the scholarship, I want to assure you how delighted I am. Don’t worry about Dad, I’ll make sure he doesn’t stand in your way.
I’m so pleased for you, sweetheart, and so very proud.
Love,
Mom
March 31st
Latin Class
Lesley,
What’s wrong? I haven’t been your best friend all these years without knowing when something’s bothering you. Tell me. Did your dad lose his job again? Meet me after drill team practice.
Jillian
Lesley’s Diary
April 1, 1966
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I couldn’t put off telling Buck any longer. I’m pregnant. I thought he’d be angry and yell at me, but instead he seemed almost glad. No one knows, not even Jillian. I can’t talk about it to anyone. The minute I start thinking about what this means for my future, I start to cry. That’s all I seem to do lately.
As soon as the words were out, Buck held me and kissed me and told me how happy he was to have me back. He doesn’t care if the only reason I’m his is because of the baby. Now he wants us to get married. I don’t know if that’s the best answer for either of us. He wanted to elope, drive to Idaho right away, but I refused to do that. It seems like an easy out, but if we marry now I won’t be able to graduate. If I can’t have college, then at least I can get my high school diploma.
Buck has been really good about everything. He’s been over to the house almost every night since I told him. He and my dad seem to be getting along better now, and Mom’s already treating him like another son. I’m beginning to think he’s right and we should get married. Tonight he told me he’s got the whole thing worked out. He talked to an Army recruiter this afternoon and decided enlisting would be the best solution for us. That way, all the medical expenses for the baby will be covered. I don’t want Buck to enlist. There’s so much talk about what’s happening in Vietnam, although Buck said the recruiter told him he could get an assignment in Germany—but only if he enlists within the next month. With the way things are developing in Vietnam, Buck thinks he should take the Germany assignment while he can. I agreed, but I feel guilty about him maybe risking his life for the baby and me.
Buck and I do it all the time now; there doesn’t seem to be any reason not to—that’s what Buck says. I don’t mind so much, I guess, but I find it hard to go to church or explain why I can’t take communion.
Jillian’s Diary
April 12, 1966
Something’s up with Lesley. Weeks after breaking up with Buck, all of a sudden she’s seeing him again. For a while, she was almost her old self—and then, without warning, he’s back. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she insists everything’s all right and that I’m imagining things. Maybe so. Whatever’s bugging her she’s keeping to herself. I’ve never seen her so secretive. The Sound of Music is coming to town, and we’ve both been waiting to see it for weeks. Now she has some hokey excuse about why she can’t go. I’m worried about her and I wish she’d talk to me.
Things aren’t right with Scott, either. Someone must have told him about Nick and me, because he’s been acting possessive and unreasonable lately. It all started when I told him I didn’t want to go to the Junior/Senior prom. He seems to think it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll be his date. I probably should attend the dance with him, but I don’t think I can pretend to be his girl when my heart belongs to Nick.
Everything is so much worse since Scott’s been nominated for Prom King. I’m pleased for him, I really am. He deserves it and is a wonderful athlete, but now there’s all this pressure on me because I’m supposed to be his girlfriend. Scott can’t believe I’m turning down the opportunity to be Prom Queen.
I haven’t heard from Nick, either. It seems he took my suggestion that we not meet again seriously. I got tired of waiting for him to contact me and went to his dad’s gas station. As luck would have it, Nick was working the pumps. Other than asking if I wanted him to fill up my tank, he didn’t say one word.
Everyone’s treating me like I have the plague. First Lesley, then Scott. Even Nick’s mad at me. And I don’t know what I’ve done!
April 20, 1966
Dear Jillian,
I was your first fool and I sincerely doubt I’ll be your last. If you want to break up right before prom and graduation, then that’s just fine. There are plenty of other girls interested in going to the biggest dance of the year with me.
Since you weren’t inclined to explain this sudden change of heart, all I can say is goodbye. Thanks for the prompt return of my class ring.
Scott
May 1, 1966
My dearest Lesley,
It seems odd to be writing my own daughter a letter, but I know if I try to talk to you I’ll never get through this without crying. To say that your news was a surprise would be an understatement. How I wish you’d come to me months ago so we could’ve talked things out and decided what to do before dragging Buck and your father into it.
If you’d prepared me, I might’ve been able to break the news to your father more carefully. If you remember anything from tonight, please don’t let it be the terrible names he called you. He didn’t mean them. Not a one. He was upset and angry…you know how he gets after a few beers.
What I’m about to tell you now may come as a shock. Years ago your father and I found ourselves in exactly the same predicament. Yes, Lesley, I was pregnant with you when your dad and I married. You were born six months after the wedding. (One day, you would’ve checked the dates and figured it out on your own.) My father said those same hateful things to me. He threw me out of the house and said I was never to come back. I didn’t speak to either of my parents again until after you were born.
