Scotch Wit and Humor

Turning round, the delighted swain read these words: "With the author's compliments."

A Sad Drinking Bout

The following story of an occurrence at one of the drinking bouts in Scotland, at which the Laird of Garscadden took his last draught, has often been told, but it will bear repetition. The scene occurred in the wee clachan of Law, where a considerable number of Kilpatrick lairds had congregated for the ostensible purpose of talking over some parish business. And well they talked and better drank, when one of them, about the dawn of the morning, fixing his eye on Garscadden, remarked that he was "looking unco' gash."

Upon which the Laird of Kilmardinny coolly replied, "Deil mean him, since he has been wi' his Maker these twa hours! I saw him step awa', but I dinna like to disturb guid company!"

The following epitaph on this celebrated Bacchanalian plainly indicates that he was held in no great estimation among his neighbors:

"Beneath this stane lies auld Garscad,Wha lived a neighbor very bad;Now, how he finds and how he fares,The deil ane kens, and deil ane cares."

Not Surprised

Benjamin Greig, one of the last specimens of tie-wig and powder gentry, and a rich old curmudgeon to boot, one day entered the shop of Mr. Walker – better known, however, by the nickname of "Sugar Jock" – and accosting him, said, "Are you no' muckle astonished to hear that Mr. L – has left £20,000?"

"Weel, Mr. Greig," replied "Sugar," "I wad hae been mair astonished to hear that he had ta'en it wi' him."

Greig gave a grunt and left the shop.

The Best Crap

A baby was out with its nurse, who walked it up and down a garden.

"Is't a laddie or a lassie, Jess?" asked the gardener.

"A laddie," said the maid.

"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that; there's ower mony lasses in the world already."

"Hech, man," said Jess, "div ye no ken there's aye maist sawn o' the best crap?"

A Marriage "Not Made in Heaven"

Watty Marshall was a simple, useless, good-for-nothing body, who somehow or other got married to a terrible shrew of a wife. Finding out that she had made a bad bargain, she resolved to have the best of it, and accordingly abused and thrashed her luckless spouse to such an extent that he, in despair, went to the minister to get unmarried.

The parson told him that he could do him no such service as marriages were made in heaven.

"Made in heaven, sir," cried Watty; "it's a lee! I was marriet i' your ain kitchen, wi' your twa servant hizzies looking on! I doubt ye hae made an awfu' mistake wi' my marriage, sir, for the muckle fire that was bleezing at the time made it look far mair like the other place! What a life I'll hae to lead, baith in this world and the next, for that blunder o' yours, minister!"

"Another Opportunity"

An old gentleman named Scott was engaged in the "affair of the '15" (the Rebellion of 1715) and with some difficulty was saved from the gallows by the intercession by the Duchess of Buccleuch and Monmouth. Her grace, who maintained considerable authority over her clan, sent for the object of her intercession and, warning him of the risk which he had run and the trouble she had taken on his account, wound up her lecture by intimating that, in case of such disloyalty again, he was not to expect her interest in his favor.

"An' it please your grace," said the stout old Tory, "I fear I am too old to see another opportunity."

A Night in a Coal-cellar

One night, sitting later than usual, sunk in the profundities of a great folio tome, the Rev. Dr. Wightman of Kirkmahol imagined he heard a sound in the kitchen inconsistent with the quietude and security of a manse, and so taking his candle he proceeded to investigate the cause. His foot being heard in the lobby, the housekeeper began with all earnestness to cover the fire, as if preparing for bed.

"Ye're late up to-night, Mary."

"I'm jist rakin' the fire, sir, and gaun to bed."

"That's right, Mary; I like timeous hours."

On his way back to the study he passed the coal-closet, and, turning the key, took it with him. Next morning, at an early hour, there was a rap at his bedroom door, and a request for the key to put a fire on.

"Ye're too soon up, Mary; go back to your bed yet."

Half an hour later there was another knock, and a similar request in order to prepare the breakfast.

"I don't want breakfast so soon, Mary; go back to your bed."

Another half an hour and another knock with an entreaty for the key, as it was washing day. This was enough. He rose and handed out the key saying, "go and let the man out."

Mary's sweetheart had been imprisoned all night in the coal-closet, as the minister shrewdly suspected, and, Pyramis-and-Thisbe-like, they had breathed their love to each other through the key-hole. [25]

Not Quite an Ass

James Boswell, the biographer of Dr. Johnson, was distinguished in his private life by his humor and power of repartee. He has been described as a man in whose face it was impossible at any time to look without being inclined to laugh. The following is one of his good things: As he was pleading one day at the Scotch bar before his father, Lord Auchinleck, who was at that time what is called Ordinary on the Bills (judge of cases in the first stage), the testy old senator, offended at something his son said, peevishly exclaimed: "Jamie, ye're an ass, man."

"Not exactly, my lord," answered the junior; "only a colt, the foal of an ass."

A Cute Gaoler

Before the adoption of the police act in Airdrie, a worthy named Geordie G – had the surveillance of the town. A drunken, noisy Irishman was lodged in a cell, who caused an "awful row" by kicking at the cell-door with his heavy boots. Geordie went to the cell, and opening the door a little, said:

"Man, ye micht put aff yer buits, and I'll gie them a bit rub, so that ye'll be respectable like afore the bailie in the mornin'."

The prisoner complied with his request, and saw his mistake only when the door was closed upon him, Geordie crying out:

"Ye can kick as lang as ye like, noo."

Not Qualified to Baptize

The only amusement in which Ralph Erskine, the father of the Scottish Secession, indulged, was playing the violin. He was so great a proficient on this instrument, and so often beguiled his leisure hours with it, that the people of Dumfermline believed he composed his sermons to its tones, as a poet writes a song to a particular air. They also tell the following anecdote connected with the subject:

A poor man in one of the neighboring parishes, having a child to baptize, resolved not to employ his own clergyman, with whom he was at issue on certain points of doctrine, but to have the office performed by some minister of whose tenets fame gave a better report.

With the child in his arms, therefore, and attended by the full complement of old and young women who usually minister on such occasions, he proceeded to the manse of – , some miles off (not that of Mr. Erskine), where he inquired if the clergyman was at home.

"Na; he's no' at hame yeenoo," answered the servant lass; "he's down the burn fishing; but I can soon cry him in."

"Ye needna gie yoursel' the trouble," replied the man, quite shocked at this account of the minister's habits; "nane o' your fishin' ministers shall bapteeze my bairn."

Off he then trudged, followed by his whole train, to the residence of another parochial clergyman, at the distance of some miles. Here, on inquiring if the minister was at home, the lass answered:

"'Deed he's no' at home the day, he's been out since sax i' the morning at the shooting. Ye needna wait, neither; for he'll be sae made out when he comes back, that he'll no' be able to say bo to a calf, let-a-be kirsen a wean!"

"Wait, lassie!" cried the man in a tone of indignant scorn; "wad I wait, d'ye think, to haud up my bairn before a minister that gangs oot at six i' the morning to shoot God's creatures? I'll awa down to gude Mr. Erskine at Dumfermline; and he'll be neither out at the fishing nor shooting, I think."

The whole baptismal train then set off for Dumfermline, sure that the Father of the Secession, although not now a placed minister, would at least be engaged in no unclerical sports, to incapacitate him for performing the sacred ordinance in question.

On their arriving, however, at the house of the clergyman, which they did not do until late in the evening, the man, on rapping at the door, anticipated that he would not be at home any more than his brethren, as he heard the strains of a fiddle proceeding from the upper chamber. "The minister will not be at home," he said, with a sly smile to the girl who came to the door, "or your lad wadna be playing that gait t'ye on the fiddle."

"The minister is at hame," quoth the girl; "mair by token, it's himsel' that's playing, honest man; he aye takes a tune at night, before he gangs to bed. Faith, there's nae lad o' mine can play that gait; it wad be something to tell if ony o' them could."

"That the minister playing!" cried the man in a degree of astonishment and horror far transcending what he had expressed on either of the former occasions. "If he does this, what may the rest no' do? Weel, I fairly gie them up a'thegither. I have traveled this haill day in search o' a godly minister, and never man met wi' mair disappointment in a day's journey." "I'll tell ye what, gudewife," he added, turning to the disconsolate party behind, "we'll just awa' back to our ain minister after a'. He's no' a'thegither sound, it's true; but let him be what he likes in doctrine, deil hae me if ever I kenk him fish, shoot, or play on the fiddle a' his days!"

One Scotchman Outwitted by Another

Some years since, before the sale of game was legalized, and a present of it was thought worth the expense of carriage, an Englishman who had rented a moor within twenty miles of Aberdeen, wishing to send a ten brace box of grouse to his friends in the south, directed his gilly to procure a person to take the box to the capital of the north, from whence the London steamer sailed. Not one, however, of the miserably poor tenants in the neighborhood could be found who would take the box for a less sum than eight shillings. This demand was thought so unreasonable, that the Englishman complained to a Scotch friend who was shooting along with him.

The Scotchman replied that "the natives always make a point of imposing as much as possible upon strangers; but," he said "if you will leave it to me, I will manage it for you; for with all their knavery, they are the simplest people under the sun."

A few days afterwards, going out shooting, they saw a man loading his cart with peats, when the Scotchman, approaching him, said, after the usual salutation – "What are you going to do with the peats?"

"I'm going to Aberdeen to sell them," was the reply.

"What do you get for them?"

"One shilling and eightpence, sir."

"Indeed! Well, I will buy them, if you will be sure to deliver them for me at Aberdeen."

"That I will, and thank you, too, sir."

All agreed, the Scotchman resumed his walk for about twenty yards, when he suddenly turned round and said: "By-the-by, I have a small box I want taken to the same place. You can place it on the top of the peats?"

"That I will, and welcome, sir."

"Well, if you will call at the lodge in the evening, I will give you the direction for the peats, and you can have the box at the same time."

He did so, and actually carried the box, and gave a load of peats for one shilling and eightpence, although neither the same man nor any of his neighbors would forward the box alone for less than eight shillings.

Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers

There was wee Scotty, o' the Coogate Kirk; and a famous preacher he was at the height o' his popularity. But he was sadly bathered wi' his flock, for they kept him aye in het water.

Ae day he was preaching on Job. "My brethren," says he, "Job, in the first place, was a sairly-tried man; Job, in the second place, was an uncommonly patient man; Job, in the third place, never preached in the Coogate; fourthly and lastly, had Job preached there, the Lord help his patience."

At anither time, before the service began, when there was a great noise o' folk gaun into their seats, he got up in the pu'pit an' cried out – "Oh, that I could hear the pence rattle in the plate at the door wi' half the noise ye mak' wi' yer cheepin' shoon! Oh, that Paul had been here wi' a long wudden ladle! for yer coppers are strangers in a far country, an' as for yer silver an' gold – let us pray!"

An' there was Deddy Weston, wha began ane o' his Sunday morning services in this manner: "My brethren, I'll divide my discourse the day into three heads: Firstly, I'll tell ye something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. Secondly, I'll tell ye something that you ken, an' I dinna ken. Thirdly, I'll tell ye something that neither you nor me ken. Firstly, Coming ower a stile this mornin', my breeks got an unco' skreed. That's something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. Secondly, What you're gaun to gie Charlie Waddie, the tailor, for mendin' my breeks, is what you ken, an' I dinna ken. Thirdly, What Charlie Waddie's to tak' for mendin' my breeks, is what neither you nor me ken. Finally and lastly, Hand round the ladle."

An' there was Doctor Dabster, that could pit a bottle or twa under his belt, an' was neither up nor down. But an unco' bitter body was he when there was a sma' collection. Before the service began, the beadle generally handed him a slip of paper stating the amount collected. Ae day a' the siller gathered was only twa' shillin's an' ninepence; an' he could never get this out o' his head through the whole of his sermon.

He was aye spunkin oot noo an' then. "It's the land o' Canawn ye're thrang strivin' after," says he; "The land o' Canawn, eh? – twa an' ninepence! yes, ye're sure to gang there! I think I see ye! Nae doot ye'll think yersel's on the richt road for't. Ask yer consciences, an' see what they'll say. Ask them, an' see what they'll say. Ask them, an' what will they say? I'll tell ye: 'Twa miserable shillin's an' ninepence is puir passage-money for sic a lang journey!' What? Twa-an'-ninepence! As weel micht a coo gang up a tree tail foremost, an' whistle like a superannuated mavis, as get to Canawn for that!" [26]

Glossary

Aa. I.

Aboon. Above.

Ae. One.

Aff. Off.

Afit. Afoot.

Aiblins. Perhaps, possibly.

Ain. Own.

Ane. One.

A'thegither. Altogether.

Auchteenpence. Eighteenpence.

Aught. Eight.

Auld. Old.

Ava. At all.

Awn. Own.

Aye. Always.

Babble-ment. Confusion.

Bairns. Children.

Baith. Both.

Bane. Bone.

Bauld. Bold.

Bawbee. A half-penny.

Begond. Began.

Belyve. Immediately, quickly.

Ben. Towards; towards the inner; the inner room of a house.

Blate, blait. Bashful.

Blinkit. Flashed, glanced.

Birkies. Lively young fellows.

Blude. Blood.

Bobshanks. Knees.

Braes. The sides of hills.

Braik. Break.

Braw. Fine, gay, worthy, handsome.

Bree. Soup, sauce, juice.

Brig. Bridge.

Brocht. Brought.

Brose. A kind of pottage made by pouring hot water on oatmeal, and stirring while the water is poured.

Bucky. Hind quarters (of a hare).

Buits. Boots.

Buss. Kiss.

Canny. Cautious, Prudent.

Cantrip. Charm, spell, trick.

Carle, carl. A man, as distinguished from a boy.

Carline. An old woman.

Cauld. Cold.

Caup. Cup, wooden bowl.

Chapping. Striking.

Chau'ders. Denoting large quantities.

Cheekit. Entrapped.

Chiel. A stripling, a fellow, a servant.

Chwat. What.

Clachan. Clan.

Claes. Clothes.

Clan. Tribe.

Con'le-licht. Candle-light.

Coo. Cow.

Cuddy. Donkey.

Crackit. Cracked.

Crand. Grand.

Craw. Crow.

Crouse. Boldly, lively, brisk.

Custrin. Silly.

Cutties. Short spoons.

Dae. Do.

Daft. Foolish, gay, giddy, wanton.

Daunder. To wander.

Deavin'. Deafening.

Dee. Die.

Deil. Devil.

Ding. To beat.

Dinna. Do not.

Dittha. Do they.

Dochter. Daughter.

Douce. Sedate, sober.

Doit. Numskull.

Doup. The breech, the bottom or extremity of anything.

Dour. Bold, inflexible, obstinate, stern.

Drap. A drop; to drop.

Drookit. Soaked.

Droon't. Drowned.

Dub-shouper. Gutter-cleaner.

Durdham. Squabble.

E'e. Eye.

E'en. Eyes; even.

Eer. Air.

Eneuch. Enough.

E'enow. Even now.

Extrornar. Extraordinary.

Faa'. Fall.

Fack. Fact

Far eist? Where is it?

Far was't? Where was it?

Fash. Trouble.

Fat? What?

Faud. Found.

Faut. Fault.

Fecht. Fight.

Feck. A term denoting space, quantity, number; the feck o' them means "the most part of them."

Feckled. Made weak.

Feine. Fine.

Ferry. Very.

Fifish. Somewhat deranged.

Fleg, fley. To frighten.

Flit, flyt. To change, to remove, to transport. Commonly used of changing one's residence.

Fluir. Floor.

Flyte, Flytings. To scold, scolding.

Fog. Moss.

Forebears. Ancestors.

Forrit. Forward.

Fortnicht. Fortnight.

Foo'. A fool, through being drunk.

Fou, fu'. Drunk, full.

Fouk. Folk.

Freens. Friends, relatives.

Fremit. Strange.

Fules. Fools.

Fund. Found.

Gaed. Went.

Gait. Way.

Gang. Go.

Gars. Causes, makes.

Gash. Ghastly.

Gav'd. Made, induced.

Gey, gay. Moderately.

Gied. Gave.

Gin. If.

Glint. Sight, glimpse.

Gowd, goud. Gold.

Gowk, golk. Cuckoo, fool.

Greetin', greitin. Crying, the act of.

Grit. Great.

Grond. Grand.

Grup. Grip.

Gude, guid. Good.

Gully. A large knife.

Hae. Have.

Haggis. A pudding, made in a sheep's stomach, with oatmeal, suet, the heart, liver and lungs of the sheep, minced down and seasoned with salt, pepper, and onions, and boiled for use.

Haist. Haste.

Hale. Whole.

Haudin'. Holding, keeping.

Haveril. One who talks habitually in a foolish manner.

Heck, hech, high. To pant, to breathe hard; an exclamation which expresses a condition of breathlessness.

Heid. Head.

Hemmel. A cow without horns.

Het. Hot.

Hielans. Highlands.

Hirple. To move in a halting manner, as if crippled or momentarily injured, as by a blow.

Hoo. How.

Hunner. Hundred.

Hurdham. Squabble.

Hustrin. Lascivious.

Ilka, ilk. Every, each.

Intil, intill. In, into.

Intil't. Into it.

Jalouse. Expect, guess.

Jaud. Jade.

Keeking, keiking. Looking with a prying eye, peeping.

Kame, kaim. To comb, comb, honeycomb.

Ken. To know; to be acquainted; to understand.

Kintra. Country.

Kirk. Church.

Kirsen. To christen.

Laird. A man of superior rank; the owner of a property.

Lang. Long, to long or yearn.

Langsyne. Long since.

Lawin'. A tavern bill.

Leear. Liar.

Lees. Lies.

Leeve. Live.

Leeving. Living.

Lippened. Trusted, depended.

Li-thall. Lethal, deadly, mortal.

Loon. Clown, fool.

Lugs. Ears.

Lum, lumb. Chimney.

Louring drouth. Thirst.

Mair. More.

Mairret. Married.

Maun. Must.

Meikle. See "Muckle."

Micht. Might.

Misca'. Miscall.

Modiwarts, modywarts, moudicworts. Moles.

Mon. See "Maun."

Muckle. Much, great.

Mune. Moon.

Nit. Nut.

Noo. Now.

Ocht. Ought.

Oot. Out.

Parritch. Porridge.

Pawkily, paukily. Slily, artfully.

Pawpish. Popish.

Poother. Powder.

Pow. The head; a slow rivulet – one moving on lands nearly flat.

Provost. The mayor of a burgh or township.

Puir. Poor.

Rale. Real.

Reekit. Smoked.

Reestit. Smoke-dried.

Richt. Right.

Rippet. A difference of opinion such as to estrange; a quarrel.

Sair. Sore.

Scart. To scratch; to scrape money together; to scrape a dish with a spoon.

Sclate, sclait. Slate.

Scoonril. Scoundrel.

Sheltie. A Shetland pony.

Shoost. Just.

Sic. Such.

Sicht. Sight.

Siller. Silver.

Sink. Think.

Skalin'. Dispersing, retiring, spilling.

Skelpin'. Clapping, applause.

Skirl. To cry shrilly, shriek.

Sleekit. Smooth, shining, oily.

Sma'. Small.

Smiddy. A smith's shop, smithy.

Sneeshin'. Sneezing.

Sooming. Swimming.

Sorners Spongers, loiterers.

Southrons. Those who live in the south.

Spier, speir. To ask.

Spigot. Peg, vent-peg.

Spune. Spoon.

Stane. Stone.

Strae. Straw.

Strathspeys. A dance tune for two.

Steekit. Soon.

Suppone. Suppose.

Syne. Since.

Tacket. A nail of a shoe.

Tae. The toe.

Taes. Toes.

Taigle. Confound.

Tauld. Told.

Thae. Those (just referred to).

Thocht, thoucht. Thought.

Thrang. Busy, pressed, crowded, thronged.

Tift. Coolness, estrangement.

Tint. Lost.

Toom. Empty.

Trow. To believe.

Twa. Two.

Unco'. Unknown, very, extra.

Wad. Would.

Wadna. Would not.

Wanse. Once.

Ware. Trouble, fuss.

Wast. West.

Wean (wee-ane). A child, little one.

Wee. Small, little, a short time.

Weed. Wild.

Wersh. Insipid to the taste.

Wha. Who.

Whaur. Where.