The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don’t serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what’s the matter ov them.

We are told “that an honest man is the noblest work ov God” – but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author’s hands.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn’t much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole – but other folks kan.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

God save the phools! and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn’t get a livin.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.

NOSEGAYS

The man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which.

If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom.

As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards.

I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak once tew the time when i used to do it.

A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony.

When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, “that kritter was brought up in a windmill.”

The majority ov the world are like rats, they live upon plunder and forsake a sinking ship.

Punktuality is one grate element ov sukcess.

A watch that dont keep korrekt time is wuss than no watch at all.

Grate powers are useful only az they are made serviceable – the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke.

Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man.

A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it.

The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure – reading and reflekshun.

He who reads and don’t reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don’t exercise.

The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs.

He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred.

The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother’s eye the plainer he will diskover – if he iz a man ov sense – the beam in his own.

People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook.

Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun.

It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays better.

Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard.

The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won’t defend ennything.

Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.

Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil.

Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are undeserved.

Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.

The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.

A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.

All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.

It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man’s wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.

We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate.

Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but themselfs.

Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds.

A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones.

If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are ignorant and wrong.

Genius after all ain’t ennything more than elegant kommon sense.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz komposed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else.

We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly.

A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little to be wise.

Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don’t enny ov us seem tew kno.

Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean sting.

When a man ov larning talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes us think.

It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude.

A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks.

Style in writing iz like style in dress – a good fit.

How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat.

Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps.

What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees’ nests.

People worth noticing should never forgit that everything they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never.

I phully apreshiate the proverb, “that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden,” but i must say that sum ov the most diskreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt.

What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite.

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.

Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gentleman.

Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver – only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and put on then, haff the time, hind side before.

With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world – we are all ov us slaves to sumthing.

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.

Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain’t wuth mutch for a hoss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: “What can he go out and show?”

I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully.

Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts.

Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense – two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced.

Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew liv in; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade.

It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth.

Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn’t look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun.

Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz.

The man who thinks “he kant do it,” iz alwuss more than haff right.

One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if – death ensues.

SHOOTING STARS

Most people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else.

Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up.

“Misery luvs kompany,” but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit.

A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever.

Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most.

A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry.

To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man’s karakter – to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch.

What a blessed thing it iz that we kant “see ourselfs az others see us,” – the sight would take all the starch out ov us.

Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubble at all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov.

I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.

To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin.

Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an arogant brat.

Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu aint more cunning than all men.

Excentricitys are most alwus artyfishall, and the best that kan be sed ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov vanity.

If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy hiz vices more than i do hiz virtews.

Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.

It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.

Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.

The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm.

Manner iz far more attraktive than matter– monkeys are watched clusser than eagles are.

Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelous ov.

Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes – men dig for woodchucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks.

The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz ever seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen.

Men don’t fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip.

Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend.

Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs.

Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others.

Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the proprietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain’t nothing.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze.

I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy.

Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun.

I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig’s tale, but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale.

I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this.

Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth’s Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith.

I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.

Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain’t got az the only things worth having.

Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing.

A fu branes in a man’s hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder.

One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness.

I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.

Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately.

Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.

I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn whenever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it.

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.

He who really deserves friends alwus finds them.

Thare is “menny a slip between a cup and lip,” but not haff az menny az thare ought tew be.

The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest – “Yes” and “No.”

One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz “Old Probabilitiz;” he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex.

Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men.

Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.

In whipping a yung one, yu don’t never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru.

I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think.

THE INTERVIEWER

I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.

I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.

The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.

He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.

He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.

He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.

Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.

They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.

Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid nunk and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.

Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.

The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.

They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.

Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.

Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.

I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.

Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.

I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell.

I am an awful poor whissler enny how.

I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else.

Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.

Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gide-board.

Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy.

THE MUSK RAT

The musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other.

He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water.

He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade.

He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.

Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that.

Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.

When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.

I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov them.

The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.

I dont dispize musk rat – oh, no! – but i dont worship him.

He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.

I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.

I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.

I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.

THE MINK

The mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.

He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.

His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.

He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.

The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl’s stocking.

They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.

I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.

Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn’t kno what the truth waz.

I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.

I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.

THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER

Thare iz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.

Pitty and respekt, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.

You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.

When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.

Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust haz.

I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.

But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.

When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.

He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.

He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.

If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.