The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.

Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.

Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.

Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather – a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.

Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.

A flatterer iz a common enemy.

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.

He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.

Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.

Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter– espeshily in a monkey.

Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.

When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.

The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.

Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.

The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in the ideas.

I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.

All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.

Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.

It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.

I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.

Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.

Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never really happen tew them.

Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.

I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.

The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.

Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.

In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.

Thare iz quite a difference between a luminous and a voluminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.

Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.

I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.

If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.

It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.

Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.

Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.

Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.

We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.

It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.

Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.

FOUNDLINGS

He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.

It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.

Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.

The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole.

I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.

Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.

It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.

Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.

A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others.

The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.

Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.

If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.

Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience.

Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog.

Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.

Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got.

We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them.

Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty.

I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.

If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.

“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git their noze pulled.)

If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.

One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.

If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.

I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”

I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz – it iz jist so with bad-luck.

Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.

The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.

Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.

Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.

I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.

Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.

DRIED FRUIT

When a rooster crows, he crows all over.

A poor, but dishonest cuss iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.

Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.

The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.

Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.

It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.

Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.

I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”

Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.

When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?

Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.

Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.

Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.

Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.

There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.

The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.

REMNANTS

Customs are like grease – they make ennything slip eazy.

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted – a blush iz one ov them.

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.

The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.

Natur makes all the noblemen – wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.

When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it – if i dont, I ought to.

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong.

Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.

I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man.

I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven’t got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not – if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way.

One grate reazon whi “Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel,” iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself.

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare.

Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience.

To be a gentleman, – git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.

Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals.

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.

Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.

I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching.

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less.

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know “whats going on!” and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience.

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick – i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.

REMARKS

When a man hain’t got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still, – thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns.

Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other.

Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others.

Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed – sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people’s.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

An industrious man iz seldom a bad man.

Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right.

It ain’t mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else’s lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain’t so stylish.

Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors, – pipe to her, and she may dance to you.

Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn’t be friendship enuff left for seed.

Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them.

I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade.

The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness.

If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes, – ‘ov suitable texture and a perfect fit.’

Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur.

The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults.

The man who hain’t got an enemy, iz really poor.

Don’t mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diffrence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.

No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substituting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it.

Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am.

Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights.

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next.

I don’t kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one.

Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky.

I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.

I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.

Misanthropy don’t pay – thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for.

Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool.

The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being forgiven, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life.

I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb, frisking on the green.

When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything, I write him down “misterious phool.”

The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, “Whats trumps.”

Love iz a weakness, – but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures.

A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.

Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites.

We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise in the old – (pleaze make a note ov this old phellows).

Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it.

I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth more remorseless, than 7 per cent interest.

Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring misfortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sullenness.

When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles.

SAWS

Thar iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel depends upon it.

The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it, iz for good examples.

Thare iz just az mutch difference between precept and example, az thare iz between a horn that blows a noize, and one that blows a tune.

Thare seems tew be a propriety in all things; late experiments in New York city, have proved, that religion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate examples are no excuse for iniquity. Our Saviour thought so when he sed: “Git thee behind me, Satan.”

Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz the natral way tew git rid ov it.

The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes.

Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her suitors.

Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the more natral virtews he possesses – the most vicious amung the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded.

Beware ov false friends, – yure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz gone.

One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze we so often mistake a companyun for a friend.

To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences.

Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav enny pitty to spare, – if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year.

The thinking men outliv the labouring men.

The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stupidity.

Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool.

Politeness subsists upon politeness.

I like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it.

Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back.

It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest thing tew own it.

I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun cums tew the surface.

Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain’t struk bottom yet.

If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov human natur, he mustn’t know too mutch ov it.

A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but one without the right kind ov sense.

When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.

Excellence in enny direction iz rare – even good clowns are skarse.

Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to sillyness.

It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a man iz liable at ennytime tew take.

Old age haz its priviliges – one iz tew find fault with everything.

Weak and wicked are the two worst things that ennyboddy can be charged with.

He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy.

Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a “beat,” and charge it tew mi account.

A wise man iz never less alone than when alone.

A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz genius.

Tallent must hav memory, genius don’t require it.

I don’t beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun.

When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half bushel.

A bile ain’t a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum other phellow.

Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained in the following bracket – [grin and bear it.]

I don’t kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has.

If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one “Doubtful” and the other 3 “Useless.”

Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid ov them.

Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov virtew konsists in repentance.

Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all.

A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz.

I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win.

A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy.

I don’t think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it.

The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas.

The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes.

The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man.

Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don’t appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach.

REMARKS

Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills. – I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.

The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.