Mr Punch's Pocket Ibsen – A Collection of Some of the Master's Best Known Dramas

Dr. Herdal

[Sits down and takes some fish.] Fascinating? Well, goodness knows, I couldn't see that at all. [Seriously.] Has it never struck you, Aline, that elderly Norwegians are so deucedly impressionable – mere bundles of overstrained nerves, hypersensitive ganglia. Except, of course, the Medical Profession.

Mrs. Herdal

Yes, of course; those in that profession are not so inclined to gangle. And when one has succeeded by such a stroke of luck as you have —

Dr. Herdal

[Drinks a glass of punch.] You're right enough there. If I had not been called in to prescribe for Dr. Ryval, who used to have the leading practice here, I should never have stepped so wonderfully into his shoes as I did. [Changes to a tone of quiet chuckling merriment.] Let me tell you a funny story, Aline; it sounds a ludicrous thing – but all my good fortune here was based upon a simple little pill. For if Dr. Ryval had never taken it —

Mrs. Herdal

[Anxiously.] Then you do think it was the pill that caused him to – ?

Dr. Herdal

On the contrary; I am perfectly sure the pill had nothing whatever to do with it – the inquest made it quite clear that it was really the liniment. But don't you see, Aline, what tortures me night and day is the thought that it might unconsciously have been the pill which – Never to be free from that! To have such a thought gnawing and burning always – always, like a moral mustard plaster!

[He takes more punchMrs. Herdal

Yes; I suppose there is a poultice of that sort burning on every breast – and we must never take it off either – it is our simple duty to keep it on. I too, Haustus, am haunted by a fancy that if this Miss Wangel were to ring at our bell now —

Dr. Herdal

After she has been lost sight of for ten years? She is safe enough in some sanatorium, depend upon it. And what if she did come? Do you think, my dear good woman, that I – a sensible clear-headed general practitioner, who have found out all I know for myself – would let her play the deuce with me as she did with poor Halvard? No, general practitioners don't do such things – even in Norway!

Mrs. Herdal

Don't they indeed, Haustus? [The surgery-bell rings loudly.] Did you hear that? There she is! I will go and put on my best cap. It is my duty to show her that small attention.

Dr. Herdal

[Laughing nervously.] Why, what on earth! – It's the night-bell. It is most probably the new book-keeper! [Mrs. Herdal goes out; Dr. Herdal rises with difficulty, and opens the door.] Goodness gracious! – it is that girl, after all!

[Hilda Wangel enters through the dispensary door. She wears a divided skirt, thick boots, and a Tam o' Shanter with an eagle's wing in it. Somewhat freckled. Carries a green tin cylinder slung round her, and a rug in a strap. Goes straight up to Herdal, her eyes sparkling with happiness.

How are you? I've run you down, you see! The ten years are up. Isn't it scrumptiously thrilling, to see me like this?

Dr. Herdal

[Politely retreating.] It is – very much so – but still I don't in the least understand —

Hilda

[Measures him with a glance.] Oh, you will. I have come to be of use to you. I've no luggage, and no money. Not that that makes any difference. I never have. And I've been allured and attracted here. You surely know how these things come about?

[Throws her arms round himDr. Herdal

What the deuce! Miss Wangel, you mustn't. I'm a married man! There's my wife!

[Mrs. Herdal entersHilda

As if that mattered – it's only dear, sweet Mrs. Solness. She doesn't mind —do you, dear Mrs. Solness?

Mrs. Herdal

It does not seem to be of much use minding, Miss Wangel. I presume you have come to stay?

Hilda

[In amused surprise.] Why, of course – what else should I come for? I always come to stay, until – h'm! [Nods slowly, and sits down at table.

Dr. Herdal

[Involuntarily.] She's drinking my punch! If she thinks I'm going to stand this sort of thing, she's mistaken. I'll soon show her a pill-doctor is a very different kind of person from a mere Master Builder!

[Hilda finishes the punch with an indefinable expression in her eyes, and Dr. Herdal looks on gloomily as the Curtain falls.

ACT SECOND

Dr. Herdal's drawing-room and dispensary, as before. It is early in the day. Dr. Herdal sits by the little table, taking his own temperature with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the New Book-keeper; he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems slightly nervous.

Dr. Herdal

Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late book-keeper, Miss Blakdraf, used to keep my accounts very cleverly – she charged every visit twice over.

The New Book-keeper

I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once employed at a bank.

Dr. Herdal

I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?

The New Book-keeper

[Modestly.] With an additional salary, I should be able to do that too.

Dr. Herdal

Capital! You shall dispense with an additional salary. Go into the dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a few drugs at first – but everything must have a beginning.

[As the New Book-keeper retires, Mrs. Herdal enters in a hat and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly.Mrs. Herdal

Miss Wangel got up early, before breakfast, and went for a walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!

Dr. Herdal

So I should say. But tell me, Aline, is she really going to stay with us here?

[NervouslyMrs. Herdal

[Looks at him.] So she tells me. And, as she has brought nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into the town to get her a few articles. We must make her feel at home.

Dr. Herdal

[Breaking out.] I will make her not only feel but be at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will not have a perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite visit. I say, she shall go – do you hear, Aline? Miss Wangel will go!

[Raps with his fist on tableMrs. Herdal

[Quietly.] If you say so, Haustus, no doubt she will have to go. But you must tell her so yourself.

[Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes out, as Hilda enters, sparkling with pleasure.Hilda

[Goes up straight to him.] Good morning, Dr. Herdal. I have just seen a pig killed. It was ripping– I mean, gloriously thrilling! And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy that!

Dr. Herdal

[Gloomily.] It is eccentric certainly. But my poor dear wife was always a little —

Hilda

[Nods her head slowly several times.] So you have noticed that too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over your discharging Mr. Kalomel – he is the only man who ever really understood her.

Dr. Herdal

If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge, immeasurable debt I owe her – but I can't!

Hilda

[Looks hard at him.] Can't I help you? I helped Ragnar Brovik. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little Kaia – after that accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made Ragnar build me the loveliest castle in the air – lovelier, even, than poor Mr. Solness's would have been – and we stood together on the very top. The steps were rather too much for Kaia. Besides, there was no room for her on top. And he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow, they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and Ragnar went into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour.

Dr. Herdal

[Interested against his will.] And where did you go after that, may I ask, Miss Wangel?

Hilda

Oh, ever so far north. There I met Mr. and Mrs. Tesman – the second Mrs. Tesman – she who was Mrs. Elvsted, with the irritating hair, you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was impossible to reconstruct poor Mr. Lövborg's great book out of Mrs. Elvsted's rough notes. But I insisted on George's attempting the impossible – with Me. And what do you think Mrs. Tesman wears in her hair now?

Dr. Herdal

Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.

Hilda

Wrong —straws! Poor Tesman didn't fancy that – so he shot himself, un-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on and took Rosmershölm for the summer. There had been misfortune in the house, so it was to let. Dear good old Rector Kroll acted as my reference; his wife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him every day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible – he had never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him promise to mount the White Horse of Rosmershölm. He didn't get over that. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam. Thrilling!

Dr. Herdal

[Shakes his finger at her.] What a girl you are, Miss Wangel! But you mustn't play these games here, you know.

Hilda

[Laughs to herself.] Of course not. But I suppose I am a strange sort of bird.

Dr. Herdal

You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to be regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must decline to take you.

Hilda

[A little sulky.] That is not how you spoke ten years ago, up at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!

Dr. Herdal

Was I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am not like that now.

Hilda

Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the table d'hôte, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendid and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day?

Dr. Herdal

What a memory you have for trifles, Miss Wangel; it's quite wonderful!

Hilda

Trifles! There was no trifling on your part. When you promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me!

Dr. Herdal

Did I say all that? It must have been after table d'hôte!

Hilda

It was. I was a mere chit then – only twenty-three; but I remember. And now I have come for you.

Dr. Herdal

Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now I have married Mrs. Solness.

Hilda

[Looking sharply at him.] Yes, I remember you were always dropping in to tea in those days.

Dr. Herdal

[Seems hurt.] Every visit was duly put down in the ledger and charged for – as poor little Senna will tell you.

Hilda

Little Senna? Oh, Dr. Herdal, I believe there is a bit of the troll left in you still!

Dr. Herdal

[Laughs a little.] No, no; my conscience is perfectly robust – always was.

Hilda

Are you quite quite sure that, when you went indoors with dear Mrs. Solness that afternoon, and left me alone with my Master Builder, you did not foresee – perhaps wish – intend, even a little, that – H'm?

Dr. Herdal

That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that tower? You want to drag Me into that business now!

Hilda

[Teasingly.] Yes, I certainly think that then you went on exactly like a troll.

Dr. Herdal

[With uncontrollable emotion.] Hilda, there is not a corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that must have been the way of it. Then I was a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who – No, I shall never roll a pill again – never, never!

Hilda

[Lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep.] No more pills? Poor Doctor Herdal!

Dr. Herdal

[Bitterly.] No – nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders for a whole troop of children.

Hilda

[Lively again..] Not grey powders! [Quite seriously.] I will tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make every one free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to dare what one would. I will have you make them. I will – I will!

Dr. Herdal

H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then the ingredients – ?

Hilda

What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure! Why, they will be poisons, of course!

Dr. Herdal

Poisons? Why in the world should they be that?

Hilda

[Without answering him.] All the thrillingest, deadliest poisons – it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.

Dr. Herdal

[As if caught by her enthusiasm.] And I could colour them, too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, Hilda, how I have needed you all these years! For, you see, with her it was impossible to discuss such things.

[Embraces herMrs. Herdal

[Enters noiselessly through hall-door.] I suppose, Haustus, you are persuading Miss Wangel to start by the afternoon steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of hairpins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.

Dr. Herdal

[Uneasily.] H'm! Hilda – Miss Wangel I should say – is kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.

Mrs. Herdal

Shouldn't I, Haustus? I daresay not.

[The NEW BOOK-KEEPER looks through the glass door of dispensary.Hilda

[Starts violently and points – then in a whisper.] Who is that?

Dr. Herdal

Only the new Book-keeper and Assistant – a very intelligent person.

Hilda

[Looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and whispers to herself.] I thought at first it was… But no —that would be too frightfully thrilling!

Dr. Herdal

[To himself.] I'm turning into a regular old troll now – but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian. We are made like that… Rainbow powders —real rainbow powders! With Hilda!.. Oh, to have the joy of life once more!

[Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls

ACT THIRD

[On the right, a smart verandah, attached to Dr. Herdal's dwelling-house, and communicating with the drawing-room and dispensary by glass doors. On the left a tumble-down rockery, with a headless plaster Mercury. In front, a lawn, with a large silvered glass globe on a stand. Chairs and tables. All the furniture is of galvanised iron. A sunset is seen going on among the trees.

Dr. Herdal

[Comes out of dispensary-door cautiously, and whispers.] Hilda, are you in there?

[Taps with fingers on drawing-room doorHilda

[Comes out with a half-teasing smile.] Well – and how is the rainbow-powder getting on, Dr. Herdal?

Dr. Herdal

[With enthusiasm.] It is getting on simply splendidly. I sent the new assistant out to take a little walk, so that he should not be in the way. There is arsenic in the powder, Hilda, and digitalis too, and strychnine, and the best beetle-killer!

Hilda

[With happy, wondering eyes.] Lots of beetle-killer. And you will give some of it to her, to make her free and buoyant. I think one really has the right – when people happen to stand in the way – !

Dr. Herdal

Yes, you may well say so, Hilda. Still – [dubiously] – it does occur to me that such doings may perhaps be misunderstood – by the narrow-minded and conventional.

[They go on the lawn, and sit downHilda

[With an outburst.] Oh, that all seems to me so foolish – so irrelevant! As if the whole thing wasn't intended as an allegory!

Dr. Herdal

[Relieved.] Ah, so long as it is merely allegorical, of course – But what is it an allegory of, Hilda?

Hilda

[Reflects in vain.] How can you sit there and ask such questions? I suppose I am a symbol – of some sort.

Dr. Herdal

[As a thought flashes upon him.] A cymbal? That would certainly account for your bra – Then, am I a cymbal too, Hilda?

Hilda

Why yes – what else? You represent the artist-worker, or the elder generation, or the pursuit of the ideal, or a bilious conscience – or something or other. You're all right!

Dr. Herdal

[Shakes his head.] Am I? But I don't quite see – Well, well, cymbals are meant to clash a little. And I see plainly now that I ought to prescribe this powder for as many as possible. Isn't it terrible, Hilda, that so many poor souls never really die their own deaths – pass out of the world without even the formality of an inquest? As the district Coroner, I feel strongly on the subject.

Hilda

And, when the Coroner has finished sitting on all the bodies, perhaps – but I shan't tell you now. [Speaks as if to a child.] There, run away and finish making the rainbow-powder, do!

Dr. Herdal

[Skips up into the dispensary.] I will – I will! Oh, I do feel such a troll – such a light-haired, light-headed old devil!

Rübub

[Enters garden-gate.] I have had my dismissal – but I'm not going without saying good-bye to Mrs. Herdal.

Hilda

Dr. Herdal would disapprove – you really must not, Mr. Kalomel. And, besides, Mrs. Herdal is not at home. She is in the town buying me a reel of cotton. Dr. Herdal is in. He is making real rainbow powders for regenerating everybody all round. Won't that be fun?

Rübub

Making powders? Ha! ha! But you will see he won't take one himself. It is quite notorious to us younger men that he simply daren't do it.

Hilda

[With a little snort of contempt.] Oh, I daresay – that's so likely! [Defiantly.] I know he can, though. I've seen him!

Rübub

There is a tradition that he once – but not now – he knows better. I think you said Mrs. Herdal was in the town? I will go and look for her. I understand her so well.

[Goes out by gateHilda

[Calls.] Dr. Herdal! Come out this minute. I want you – awfully!

Dr. Herdal

[Puts his head out.] Just when I am making such wonderful progress with the powder. [Comes down and leans on a table.] Have you hit upon some way of giving it to Aline? I thought if you were to put it in her arrowroot – ?

Hilda

No, thanks. I won't have that now. I have just recollected that it is a rule of mine never to injure anybody I have once been formally introduced to. Strangers don't count. No, poor Mrs. Herdal mustn't take that powder!

Dr. Herdal

[Disappointed.] Then is nothing to come of making rainbow powders, after all, Hilda?

Hilda

[Looks hard at him.] People say you are afraid to take your own physic. Is that true?

Dr. Herdal

Yes, I am. [After a pause – with candour.] I find it invariably disagrees with me.

Hilda

[With a half-dubious smile.] I think I can understand that. But you did once. You swallowed your own pills that day at the table d'hôte, ten years ago. And I heard a harp in the air, too!

Dr. Herdal

[Open-mouthed.] I don't think that could have been me. I don't play any instrument. And that was quite a special thing, too. It's not every day I can do it. Those were only bread pills, Hilda.

Hilda

[With flashing eyes.] But you rolled them, you took them. And I want to see you stand once more free and high and great, swallowing your own preparations. [Passionately.] I will have you do it! [Imploringly.] Just once more, Dr. Herdal!

Dr. Herdal

If I did, Hilda, my medical knowledge, slight as it is, leads me to the conclusion that I should in all probability burst.

Hilda

[Looks deeply into his eyes.] So long as you burst beautifully! But no doubt that Miss Blakdraf —

Dr. Herdal

You must believe in me utterly and entirely. I will do anything —anything, Hilda, to provide you with agreeable entertainment. I will swallow my own powder! [To himself, as he goes gravely up to dispensary.] If only the drugs are sufficiently adulterated!

[Goes in; as he does so, the New Assistant enters the garden in blue spectacles, unseen by Hilda, and follows him, leaving open the glass door.Senna

[Comes wildly out of drawing-room.] Where is dear Dr. Herdal? Oh, Miss Wangel, he has discharged me – but I can't – I simply can't live away from that lovely ledger.

Hilda

[Jubilantly.] At this moment Dr. Herdal is in the dispensary, taking one of his own powders.

Senna

[Despairingly.] But – but it is utterly impossible! Miss Wangel, you have such a firm hold of him —don't let him do that!

Hilda

I have already done all I can.

[Rübub appears, talking confidentially with Mrs. Herdal, at gate.Senna

Oh, Mrs. Herdal, Rübub! The Pill-Doctor is going to take one of his own preparations. Save him – quick!

Rübub

[With cold politeness.] I am sorry to hear it – for his sake. But it would be quite contrary to professional etiquette to prevent him.

Mrs. Herdal

And I never interfere with my husband's proceedings. I know my duty, Miss Blakdraf, if others don't!

Hilda

[Exulting with great intensity.] At last! Now I see him in there, great and free again, mixing the powder in a spoon – with jam!.. Now he raises the spoon. Higher – higher still! [A gulp is audible from within.] There, didn't you hear a harp in the air? [Quietly.] I can't see the spoon any more. But there is one he is striving with, in blue spectacles!

The New Assistant's Voice

[Within.] The Pill-Doctor Herdal has taken his own powder!

Hilda

[As if petrified.] That voice! Where have I heard it before? No matter – he has got the powder down! [Waves a shawl in the air, and shrieks with wild jubilation.] It's too awfully thrilling! My —my Pill-Doctor!

The New Assistant

[Comes out on verandah.] I am happy to inform you that – as, to avoid accidents, I took the simple precaution of filling all the dispensary-jars with camphorated chalk – no serious results may be anticipated from Dr. Herdal's rashness. [Removes spectacles.] Nora, don't you know me?

Hilda

[Reflects.] I really don't remember having the pleasure – And I'm sure I heard a harp in the air!

Mrs. Herdal

I fancy, Miss Wangel, it must have been merely a bee in your bonnet.

The New Assistant

[Tenderly.] Still the same little singing-bird! Oh, Nora, my long-lost lark!

Hilda

[Sulkily.] I'm not a lark – I'm a bird of prey – and when I get my claws into anything – !

The New Assistant

Macaroons, for instance? I remember your tastes of old. See, Nora! [Produces a paper-bag from his coat-tail pocket.] They were fresh this morning!

Hilda

[Wavering.] If you insist on calling me Nora, I think you must be just a little mad yourself.

The New Assistant

We are all a little mad – in Norway. But Torvald Helmer is sane enough still to recognise his own little squirrel again! Surely, Nora, your education is complete at last – you have gained the experience you needed?

Hilda

[Nods slowly.] Yes, Torvald, you're right enough there. I have thought things out for myself, and have got clear about them. And I have quite made up my mind that Society and the Law are all wrong, and that I am right.

Helmer

[Overjoyed.] Then you have learnt the Great Lesson, and are fit to undertake the charge of your children's education at last! You've no notion how they've grown! Yes, Nora, our marriage will be a true marriage now. You will come back to the Dolls' House, won't you?

Hilda-Nora-Helmer-Wangel

[Hesitates.] Will you let me forge cheques if I do, Torvald?

Helmer

[Ardently.] All day. And at night, Nora, we will falsify the accounts – together!

Hilda-Nora-Helmer-Wangel

[Throws herself into his arms, and helps herself to macaroons.] That will be fearfully thrilling! My —my Manager!