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Give it to your male friends who just can’t seem to make a relationship work. Their future partners will thank you one day!
Give it to your father. It’s not too late, and your mother will be grateful that you cared.
Give it to your son if he is old enough to appreciate it. Don’t you wish someone would have taught your mate this information when he was starting to date?
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
The information in this book was compiled from a combination of sources. The majority comes from several decades of working with tens of thousands of women and hearing what they wish men knew about them. As in all of my books, I’ve also added my own experiences from relationships into the mix, along with those of my close friends and acquaintances. In addition, I include hundreds of responses from a questionnaire I distributed to women over the past year. (See the back of the book for a list of the questions.)
Still, with all of this input, the best I can do in these chapters is to generalize about the way women are. All of us are unique and different. And while many women will find the descriptions of how we think and feel, and why we do the things we do, accurate, others may, at times, read what I’ve written and say, “I’m not that way at all.” The truth is I know many men who have more of the “female” characteristics and motivations I describe (straight men as well as gay men), and on the flip side, I know many women who demonstrate more of what might traditionally be called “male” habits. I know men who are the ones in a relationship desperately needing attention and reassurance, and women who are shut down and hate talking about feelings.
The bottom line is that all things don’t apply to everyone. I am attempting to communicate what I’ve heard and learned over the years without being accurate to every subgroup. So the best way for you to read this book is to take what feels pertinent and valuable to you, and don’t worry about the rest. And of course What Women Want Men to Know isn’t everything women want men to know – to complete that task I would have to write volumes! I have tried to include the information I felt was most important and useful.
I hope this book will be everything you want it to be. I hope that after reading it you will love and honor yourself more and judge yourself less. I hope it will open the doors of clarity and communication between you and the man you love. I hope it will give you the words you need to say so that your partner can understand you from the inside out. I hope it will be a source of comfort, strength, and inspiration, reminding you that you are not alone on your journey. Most of all, I hope this book brings you many steps closer to creating the kind of loving, fulfilling, and passionate relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
A MESSAGE TO MEN (#ulink_a38b5894-2a77-5375-ac39-c441fe6490eb)
What if I told you that by doing a few simple things,you could get the woman you love to stop actingin some of the ways that drive you crazy?What if you knew some magic words to say that wouldwork in seconds to make a woman feel like you were themost wonderful mate she could ever imagine?What if I taught you some secret techniques that wouldmake your partner want to have more sex with you?
Do I have your attention yet, guys? Does any of this sound interesting? If so, you’ve come to the right place, and you’re reading the right book!
Let me alleviate any suspicions you may have and say from the start what this book is not:
It’s not a “chick book,” written just for women, that I hope your wife or girlfriend will somehow convince you to read.
It’s not a thinly disguised condemnation of men, explaining how it’s all your fault.
It’s not chapter after chapter of instructions to follow that will make you feel as if you have no power in your relationship and are just obeying orders.
It’s not a book designed to make you more like a woman, and less like a man.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to help you feel more successful, more powerful, and more in control of your love life. I wrote it so you could have more of the things you want in relationships, and less of the things you don’t want. It’s a book written specifically with you in mind, a book written to make your life easier.
I’ve spent the past twenty years working with tens of thousand of people, about half of them men. Men of all ages and from all backgrounds have opened up and shared with me what frustrates them in their relationships, what confuses them about women, and what they want in the areas of love and sex. I’ve been listening carefully, and here’s some of what I’ve heard men want:
You want to feel successful in your relationship, like you’re doing a good job and not messing it up.
You want less hassle, stress, and drama.
You want more peace, calm, and harmony.
You want frequent and passionate sex with your partner.
You don’t want to have to emotionally process all the time and feel as though you’re always “working on things.”
You want your mate to criticize you less and appreciate you more.
You want to feel like you’re making your woman happy.
This book is designed to help you achieve these goals. How? By understanding more about why women are the way they are, and learning some simple, practical ways you can communicate with us and relate to us that will make you and your partner happier and more satisfied in every way.
Now I have some really great news for you:
You know all of the stuff you hate about how women can get? Our neediness, our clingyness, our insecurities, the feeling you have that no matter how much you do or give, it’s never enough for us? I want you to know that so much of this is avoidable. Perhaps a woman has tried to explain: “If only you’d do x or y, it would make such a huge difference,” and you’ve thought to yourself, “Yeah, right.” But I’m here to tell you that this is the most important secret about women you will ever discover:
When you learn just a few simple things to do and say to the woman in your life, you’ll prevent her from having the very kinds of emotional reactions that you dislike.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well, it isn’t. I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to offer you the information you need, presented logically, clearly, and to the point, for creating the kind of relationship with a woman that is fun, enjoyable, satisfying, and much less work than you could ever imagine.
Are you convinced that this book is worth reading yet? I hope so!
THE MORE YOU KNOW, THE MORE POWERFUL AND SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE
Recently I gave a lecture to a large group and included some of the material you will be reading in this book. During the question-and-answer session, a man stood up and said defiantly, “I’m what you might call a macho sort of guy, and I’m having a hard time with this. It sounds like what you want is for me to basically think like a woman; act like a woman; in other words, to become a woman.”
“Why do you think I want you to become like a woman?” I asked him.
“Well, if I’m always trying to figure out what my wife wants, and remembering her three basic needs like you talked about, and do this and that little thing to make her happier, aren’t I becoming like a woman?”
“Let me ask you a question,” I replied. “Do you own a car?” The man nodded. “Is it a nice car that you’d like to keep for a while?”
“Yes,” he said proudly. “Actually it’s only a few months old.”
“Okay, so did you read the manual when you got the car?”
“Sure,” he said.
“And the manual taught you how to operate the car properly, what kind of gas to use in order to run the vehicle efficiently, what warning signs to look for that might indicate you’re having problems, when to get checkups so the car can last for a long time, how to service the car so it doesn’t break down, and stuff like this, right?”
“Right,” he answered.
“So,” I said to him with a mischievous smile, “by learning about your car and understanding how it works, were you becoming like your car? Do you feel more like a car since you read the manual? When the dealer who sold you the vehicle gave you the manual, did you become defensive and say, ‘Hey, do you want me to become like a car?’”
The audience laughed, and the man laughed along with them, because he couldn’t argue with my logic.
“See, your car is very valuable to you,” I explained. “It’s an investment, so you want to protect that investment and learn everything you can about making sure the car works perfectly. Now, I notice you’re sitting next to a woman who appears to be very happy with everything I’m saying, so I assume it’s your wife?”
“Yeah, she made me come tonight.” He grinned.
“Well, guess what? She’s your investment, and a more expensive one than the car, I might add! So why not learn all you can about her, how to keep her ‘running properly,’ so to speak, and then you’ll get the most out of your investment…and more enjoyable rides too!”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the man thanked me and sat down, kissing his wife, who was, I’m sure, thrilled that she had dragged him to my seminar.
I admit I like using car analogies with men, because they are effective in getting the point across – that learning more about that which is valuable to you is your way of protecting and taking care of what is yours. Educating yourself about what is important to you is a way to make yourself more powerful as a man, not less powerful.
In areas of your life other than your intimate relationships, you probably find it easier to be open to learning and improving yourself. For instance, you’d never be defensive or reluctant about reading the manual for your new car, or your new VCR, or your new cell phone. In the same way, if you had to make an important presentation for work to a new client, you’d want to learn everything you could about him and his company to ensure that you’d make a good impression – you’d never say to your boss: “I don’t need any help figuring out what to say. Stop telling me what to do all the time.” And if you’re a golfer, or if you play tennis, or participate in any other sport, you read and learn everything you can about how to master that sport – you’d never stubbornly insist that you didn’t need any help, that learning from other people would make you a wimp.
You know where I’m going with all of this, right? Your intimate relationship is your most important and valuable investment. The more you learn about women and about love, the better you’ll become as a husband or lover, and the more control you will have over your love life.
While flying to New York recently, I was seated next to a gentleman of Asian-American descent who is a consultant to large corporations and business executives on understanding and operating successfully within the Asian culture. He is considered an expert in his field, and companies pay him a lot of money to train their staffs in how to relate to their business counterparts in Japan, China, Singapore, and other Pacific Rim countries. This man told me fascinating stories about companies that tried to take their businesses overseas without educating themselves about the cultural differences, and ran into problem after problem. “It’s amazing,” he explained to me, “how comprehending the differences between cultures, and learning just a few simple tips for effective communication and behavior, can be the key to billions of dollars of profit, and the difference between success and failure.”
As I listened to this very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but think about the work I do, and when he was finished with his story, I said, “Well, it seems that we’re in the same profession.”
“Really?” he replied. “Are you a cross-cultural consultant too?”
“In a way,” I responded with a smile. “I teach men and women how to understand each other.”
The man laughed and said: “Then I have no doubt your job is harder than mine!”
Just as, until they undergo the proper education, this man’s clients can’t be expected to understand their business associates from a totally different culture, so too you can’t be expected to understand women just because you love us! Why? Because as you already know too well, men and women are very different. Besides, the truth is that as women, we don’t always understand ourselves, and if we can’t figure out why we are the way we are, how in the world can we expect you to understand us? As you’ll see when you read What Women Want Men to Know, it wasn’t just written for men in order to help you understand women – it was written to help us as women understand ourselves, so we can communicate more precisely and more effectively with you about what we want and need in ways you can actually hear us.
WHY THIS BOOK HAS FOUND ITS WAY TO YOU
If you are reading these words right now, chances are that this book was given to you by a woman who loves you. Perhaps it was your wife, your lover, a close friend, your ex-girlfriend, your sister-in-law, but definitely someone who wants you to be happy and successful in your relationships.
If your partner gave you this book:
She isn’t saying that you are the problem.
She isn’t saying she is upset with you.
She isn’t saying that you aren’t doing it right.
She isn’t complaining or making you feel wrong.
She isn’t implying that she’s perfect and you’re the one who’s messed up.
She isn’t insinuating that it’s all your fault.
She isn’t alleging that you’re stupid and can’t figure this stuff out for yourself.
If your wife or girlfriend gave you this book, she is simply saying that she loves you. She wants things to be better, she wants your relationship to last, she wants to make you happy, and she feels you might get some information from this book that will help you act in ways that will allow her to be more of what you want her to be! Be happy that someone cares about you this much and is reaching out rather than shutting down.
If someone other than your partner gave you this book, know that she, or he, is a true friend who wants the best for you.
If you found your own way to this book, it is because you love women and want to make your relationships with them easier, full of more joy and less stress. I applaud you for being a man of vision. If you are already involved with someone, she is lucky indeed to have a man who cares enough to want to become a better partner and lover. And if you haven’t found your true love yet, believe me, she is going to be happy and grateful when she meets you.
Perhaps at this point in your reading, despite how much sense all of this is (hopefully!) making, you hear a familiar, rebellious voice in your head that says:
“Jeez, another of my wife’s books. She’s always trying to ‘fix’ me, like I’m screwed up or something. I’m sure it’s going to tell me that all the problems in our relationship are my fault, that I need to change. I don’t need this! Why should I listen to some other woman I don’t even know telling me what to do? What a waste of time.”
Here’s my response:
This book is going to make you feel smarter and more competent, not stupid and incompetent.
It’s going to make you feel less out of control, and more in control.
It’s going to give you more power over your life, not ask you to give up your power.
And the small amount of time you spend reading it will be nothing compared to the amount of time you will save because you will be having less arguments, less hassles, and less unhappy moments.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME
Here are some things I’d like you to know about me:
First of all, I love men. I have loved them all my life. If I didn’t, I’d have written a book titled Men: Who Needs Them? or It’s All His Damn Fault, rather than What Women Want Men to Know! Instead, I wrote this book because I realize that although men continue to make sincere efforts to figure us out, it’s not always a simple matter for you to understand the woman in your life. And perhaps it will be easier to hear about what women want and need regarding love, sex, and intimacy from me, a woman you don’t know but one who has talked to thousands of other women, rather than hearing it from your own partner.
So think of me as a translator, a mediator of sorts in a peace process, sitting across the table from you and saying, “Look, if you want to get such and such results in your relationship with your wife, I suggest you try doing this, because I can guarantee she will not only love it, but will complain less,” or “I know her request for such and such seems silly, and you can’t imagine that something so trivial will make a difference, but trust me – I’ve talked to her – and it will,” or “If you want to avoid turningher into an emotional wreck, I propose you work on eliminating this certain phrase from your vocabulary, because whenever she hears it, she’s going to overreact and you won’t like the outcome.” Do I believe the information I’m going to share with you in the following chapters can make an enormous difference in your love life? You bet I do. Give it a chance, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Second, this book is written by me, a woman, about what women want men to know. Isn’t that the way it should be? If you’re going to learn about what women want you to know in the areas of communication, intimacy, love, and sex, shouldn’t your guide be a woman? What good is it hearing what some other man thinks about what women want? Naturally I am biased, but I do believe that this book contains information you’d never learn if it was written by a man. Women have confided in me, and told me things about themselves, about their needs, and about sex that I am sure they would never have revealed to a man. I think you will be intrigued by what they have to say.
Third, if you’re thinking, “Why did you just write about what men are supposed to learn and do differently? It seems so one-sided. What about women? Shouldn’t they be trying to understand our needs, and make us happy too?” Well, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why several years ago, I wrote Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. It taught women all about men’s likes and dislikes regarding love, sex, communication, and suggested ways women could adjust their behavior in and out of the bedroom to improve their relationships with their husband or boyfriend. Millions of women read Secrets, and when they shared it with their partners, the men concluded that I was, indeed, their ally. So each time you read something in the following chapters that makes you want to say, “But what about what SHE does wrong?,” just remember – it’s all in the other book!
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
It was a challenge to write this book so that both women and men could feel I was talking directly to them. There are sections in which I am explaining certain things to women about themselves, and hoping that you’re reading this information as well. Then you will notice specific places where I make a point just for men. The best way to read the book is from start to finish, knowing that everything I’ve included in What Women Want Men to Know is designed to make you a lot smarter about women, love, and sex.
If you haven’t done so already, please go back and read the “Message to Women” at the beginning of the book. It’s just as much a message to you as it is to women, and you will find it helps to set up the rest of the chapters.
As I remind women in their Message, every female is unique and different, and so at best, all of what you read will be generalizations. This is where you come in: If you’re in a relationship, I strongly suggest that you discuss the material in this book with your partner:
Ask her if a particular point accurately describes her feelings.
Invite her to comment on what I say or what other women expressed.
Let her know what specific suggestions you’d be willing to try, and ask if these would make a difference to her.
Having these kinds of discussions will give you much valuable information about your wife or girlfriend. You’ll also find these conversations effortless and stress-free, compared with ones you’ve had in the past, because you will both be able to start your dialogue from the common ground of this book, rather than just your own opinions, and thus it will feel less adversarial and more like you’re both on the same side. Best of all, your partner will LOVE it that you are showing interest in her feelings, wanting her input, and that you care enough to ask.
I need to take a moment and say what this book is not about. It’s not about deeply wounded women with severe emotional problems who have shut down their feelings, suppressed their needs, and cut themselves off from their hearts. If you are presently or have been with a woman like this, you may find that nothing I say about how women behave applies to her. That’s because in order to defend herself from further pain, she’s built walls of protection around herself, and detached from her ability to feel. Men who make a habit of choosing emotionally unavailable women will be unable to relate to much of this book, and if you suspect you might be in that category, consider reading Are You the Onefor Me?, which will help you understand more about the patterns that prompt you to end up in unhealthy relationships.
I have a confession to make: I wrote this book secretly hoping my own partner would memorize every page, drink in each word, and digest every bit of information about me as a woman. I hoped he would enthusiastically try out every suggestion and explore each technique, intent on doing all he could to become the man of my dreams. If your wife or girlfriend gave you What Women Want Men to Know, guess what – she’s secretly hoping the same thing that I am!
Of course, what I am describing is how a woman would read a similar book, how a woman would approach pleasing a man, how a woman views improving herself, how a woman views love. Did you know that we are that way – focused on loving you twenty-four hours a day? Well, you’ll learn about it in the chapters that follow.
So how will you read this book as a man? What will you do with what you discover in these pages? Only you have the answers to these questions.
But I’ll confess another secret: If my sweetheart only takes a few important things from this book, it will be enough. I will be grateful that he was interested enough to spend the time to read about me, that he was committed enough to try to understand the tenderness of my heart, that he cared enough to consider ways in which he could make me feel more safe, more valued, more loved.
Your woman feels the same way. If, by reading what I offer here, you learn to appreciate her a little more fully, listen a little more closely, and love her a little more sweetly, she will be happy – and it will be enough.
Thanks for trusting me to take you on this journey into the heart and soul of a woman. I promise you it will be worth it.…
PART 1 WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US (#ulink_cb0796a0-2d01-5bbc-8f25-6c7d05b61eee)
I begin this book with an admission to men on behalf of the women you love and the women who love you:
We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are and why we need the things we do.
