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Women keep track of romantic and intimate time.
“It’s been months since the last time we talked about our relationship and where we’re going in terms of commitment for the future.”
“We haven’t taken the time to really make love when it wasn’t just a quickie for five weeks now.”
“The only time you give me a romantic card is once a year on our anniversary.”
Women are conscious of rhythms and patterns in time.
I’ve noticed that because women pay more attention to time in general, we see rhythms and patterns that men may not recognize. We notice how certain behaviors or experiences repeat themselves over and over again. Men, on the other hand, often don’t connect these events to one another within the context of time.
For instance:
It’s a Friday night, and your boyfriend, Robert, is spending the evening with his old college roommate, Frank. You’ve been dreading this for months – actually, since the last time Robert and Frank got together – because whenever your boyfriend hangs around with Frank, the two of you end up in a fight afterward. This has happened over and over again, and you’re hoping by some miracle that tonight will be different.
It’s almost two in the morning when Robert arrives back at the apartment. “Hi, honey,” you say as he walks into the bedroom. “You guys must have had a good time – you stayed out late, didn’t you?”
“Were you watching the clock or something?” Robert responds.
Here he goes, you groan to yourself. It’s happening again. “No, I wasn’t watching the clock. I was just commenting on the time,” you say in as sweet a voice as possible.
“Well, I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself,” Robert snaps.
“You know, Robert, you don’t have to talk to me in that tone. Why are you picking a fight with me? Every time you go out with Frank, you come home like this – feeling mad at the world.”
“I do not,” Robert insists. “You’re just pissed off that I stayed out late.”
“No,” you reply strongly, “I’m not pissed off that you stayed out late. I’m pissed off that every time you are with Frank, you are in an angry, defiant mood for days. In fact, the last four times you’ve been with him, we’ve had a fight when you got home.”
“What are you, the CIA?” your boyfriend says angrily.
I have heard so many versions of this kind of dynamic between a man and a woman, when she recognizes a pattern of cause and effect that repeats itself over time and he just doesn’t see it:
A man doesn’t notice that he gets depressed for days every time he talks to his ex-wife on the phone. When his girlfriend tries to point this out, he blames her for being jealous.
A father isn’t aware that whenever his little boy goes to a certain friend’s house to play, he comes home and behaves aggressively. When his wife tries to discuss this, he tells her “boys will be boys,” and that she’s just being too protective.
A man doesn’t realize that every year around the time of the anniversary of his father’s death, he becomes despondent and withdrawn. When his wife suggests there may be a correlation, he insists she overanalyzes everything and is making something out of nothing.
HOW MEN MISUNDERSTAND THIS
When women appear to be counting or chronicling time, men often misinterpret our intention: You conclude that we are picky, finicky, neurotic, and bossy. The result is that you end up feeling controlled, commanded, scolded, and spied upon.
When men react this way to our focus on time, women feel hurt and misunderstood. “I was only trying to be helpful,” we think sadly. And that is the truth, guys. We’re not trying to control you or act like your mother, even though it may appear that way – we just think we’re doing our job, in the same way we keep track of when the kids last ate, or when the laundry needs to be done, or when the mortgage is due.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women keep track of time because we are trying to be helpful, not because we are trying to be controlling.
More accurately women keep track of time and its rhythms because that is just the way we have been designed. We don’t really even think about it.
2. Women experience time differently from men.
Your boyfriend lives in another part of the country, so you rely heavily on the phone to stay connected. Several days have passed, and you haven’t heard from him. Finally, he calls.
“Where have you been?” you ask.
“What do you mean?” your boyfriend responds.
“You haven’t called me,” you explain in an agitated voice.
“We just talked Friday,” he responds defiantly.
“That’s what I mean – it’s been three whole days!”
“I don’t get it,” he says. “It’s only been three days. What’s the big deal?”
It’s one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon, and your husband says he’s going out to do a few errands. The hours pass, and by dinnertime he still isn’t home. Finally, at seven o’clock he drives up.
“Do you know what time it is?” you ask him. “You were out for six hours!”
“Gee, I didn’t realize it was that long,” he says. “I had a lot to do.”
“But you said you were going out to do a few errands – I thought you’d be back by dark for sure.”
“I guess I lost track of time,” he replies absentmindedly. “It didn’t seem like that much time had passed.”
“That’s an understatement – why didn’t you at least call me?”
“Why should I have called?” he asks in a puzzled voice. “You knew I’d be home eventually.”
Both of these examples illustrate one point: Women experience time very differently from men. After decades of observation and personal experience, my theory is that women experience each increment of time as lasting much longer than men experience that same increment of time. It’s similar to “dog years” versus “people years,” and according to veterinary science, a dog year is seven times longer than a people year. In the same way, I am certain that “female time” is much longer than “male time”! One of my girlfriends and I decided, unscientifically of course, that one male hour was the equivalent of ten female hours, one male day the equivalent of ten female days, and so on.
Doesn’t this explain a phenomenon we’ve all experienced over and over again in our relationships – that in so many instances, men think almost no time has passed, and women feel so much time has passed. I believe this is because:
Time shrinks for men and stretches for women!
The previous stories are perfect examples – the woman feels as if the three days without talking to her boyfriend were an eternity, and he feels as if it’s only been three days since they spoke – hardly any time at all. For her, the time was stretched; for him, it was shrunk. It’s the same with the husband who went out for errands and came back six hours later: To his wife that six hours felt really long, probably because she had expected him back earlier, but for the husband, it seemed as if he’d only been gone for a little while.
I’ve come up with some examples of words men use that illustrate the shrunken male version of time:
Just can mean anything from in the last few minutes to the last few years, as in:
“Didn’t we just get new carpet?” (five years ago)
“Wasn’t your mother just here for a visit?” (three months ago)
“I thought we just discussed that.” (six weeks ago)
“Didn’t we just have some intimate time?” (three weeks ago)
A lot can be used to describe amounts that range from noticeable to miniscule, as in:
“I think we’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on our relationship lately.” (one counseling session and one long talk in the past three months)
“I feel I’ve been a lot better about complimenting you, haven’t I?” (two compliments in two weeks)
“Why are you complaining? I call you a lot when I’m out of town.” (once a day if she’s lucky)
Why do men and women experience time so differently? It seems to me that men tend to plant themselves more completely in the present moment when it comes to relationships and deal with the next moment when it arrives. Women, on the other hand, tend to extend themselves through time into the future.
Men’s relationship to love and time is more immediate. Women’s relationship to love and time is more extended.
This principle doesn’t apply to all parts of our lives. Men obviously have extended vision when it comes to running their business or designing their career. But somehow, when it comes to love, intimacy, and related topics, the above descriptions do seem accurate.
The result of these very different approaches to and experiences of time is a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings in our relationships.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t seem to be aware of how much time has passed since you spoke to us or saw us, or spent special time with us, or when you forget important events in time, we end up feeling like you don’t care.
It’s easy for women to interpret men’s casual, and sometimes even oblivious, attitude toward time as a lack of caring or commitment. The following are comments women made to me while I researched this book:
“How could he not call me for three days unless he just doesn’t love me?”
“Why didn’t he remember to let me know he arrived at the hotel when he knew Yd be worrying, unless he just wasn’t thinking of me at all?”
“It’s been weeks since we’ve spent any special romantic time together, but he says it’s too soon to plan another evening, that we just did it – maybe he doesn’t want to be close with me.”
“I always want to be with my boyfriend whenever possible, but he goes about his business for days and seems unaware of how much time has passed. It makes me feel like I am not very special to him.”
Guys, please understand that I am not saying you don’t care, because I know you do. You just may not be aware of how your more casual relationship to time feels to us as women. Remember the 10-to-1 Rule: If you don’t call for a day, it feels like it’s been ten days to us; if we haven’t spent special time alone without kids or distractions for two weeks, it feels like twenty weeks. Of course, this rule also works another way: If you’ve been dating a woman for one month, she may act like you’ve been dating for ten months, making you wonder why she is so serious so quickly!
I don’t believe that men and women will ever change their experience of time. However, men, if you really want to please the woman you love, consider experimenting with the following suggestions:
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
1. We would love you to remember that whatever increment of time you are experiencing, it feels much longer to us.
2. Keeping this in mind, we would love you to consider adjusting your behavior once in a while by doing things sooner than you normally would:
Call us more frequently than you think is necessary.
Do or plan something special before you think the effect of the last time has worn off.
Tell us you love us or compliment us more times in a day than feels normal to you.
Be willing to spend more intimate moments with us than you normally would.
One easy way to put this into practice with the woman you care about is to do everything that is an expression of love twice as much. That means DOUBLE the amount of calls, special dates, compliments, intimate moments, and so on. If you would usually call your girlfriend once a day, try calling twice a day. If you would normally agree to one romantic activity a month with your wife, try planning two a month.
It is safe to assume that she will be happy with more, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how this small investment of extra time and effort pays off in the gratitude, the sweetness, and the contentment you will see radiating from your partner.
3. Women honor the cycles of time by celebrating special occasions.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has kept a little book containing a list of special occasions: the birthdays and anniversaries of friends and family members. Not a week goes by when she doesn’t send a card to someone. Often these cards go to a person my mother hasn’t seen or spoken to in a long time, yet she still remembers her birthday or anniversary and finds joy in celebrating the cycle of time through the expression of her love.
I am sure many of you have mothers like this, or are women like this. I know I definitely take after my mother and have boxes of cards that I keep on hand for the many special occasions I like to celebrate. But ask yourself: How many of your fathers had special occasion books? How many men reading this keep a list of everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries, and remember to honor them in some way?
Remember, women are always counting time, so we are usually much more aware of cycles than men are. Ways that women express our sacred relationship with time is by honoring these cycles of experience and marking the passage of time with celebration. Women delight in doing this, but even the most sensitive men often don’t understand why we are so into celebrating special occasions.
Take, for instance, Julia and Adam. They met at a yoga class and knew at once it was love at first sight. Julia was ecstatic – she was sure Adam was her soul mate, and secretly hoped one day they would be married. One month passed, and on that night when Adam came over to pick Julia up for dinner, she handed him a card.
“What’s this?” Adam asked with a smile.
“You’ll see,” Julia replied, squeezing his arm.
Adam opened the envelope to find a card that said, “Happy Anniversary.” At first he looked a little puzzled, but then Julia piped in: “It’s our one-month anniversary – one month ago tonight, March twelfth, we met at the yoga class!”
“You are such a romantic.” Adam laughed, giving Julia a kiss.
The months passed, and Adam and Julia grew closer and closer. On the twelfth of every month, Julia would wish Adam a happy anniversary, and give him a card or note or small gift. Soon, they marked one year together, and celebrated by going away for the weekend to the seaside.
Four weeks later, Adam and Julia were lying in bed, and Julia pulled out a card from under the covers and placed it on Adam’s chest with a giggle. Sure enough, it was a Happy Anniversary card. “Thank you, sweetheart,” Adam said, “But didn’t we just have our one-year anniversary last month?”
“Yes, Adam,” Julia replied, “but we still can celebrate our one-month anniversaries too.”
Adam looked confused and almost disappointed: “I guess I thought once we passed a year, we wouldn’t have to do the one-months anymore.”
When I share this story with people, men and women have different reactions. The women all understand Julia perfectly. “I think she is being sweet remembering the day they met each month,” they agree. “It was kind of insensitive of Adam to say he thought he wouldn’t have to celebrate them anymore, as if it was some kind of burden.” Men do not see it this way at all. “Adam’s right,” they exclaim. “One anniversary a year is enough.”
One special occasion a year is enough? What a foreign thought this is to most women! We see opportunities for celebrating the passage of time everywhere we look:
“It’s the six-week anniversary of when we first said ‘I love you.”’
“It’s the three-month anniversary of when we first made love.”
“It’s our one-month anniversary of being married.”
I remember the shocked look on a boyfriend’s face once when I said: “Guess what today is? It’s the tenth anniversary of the day I lost my virginity.”
“You remember the date?” he asked with incredulity.
“Of course I do,” I answered. “It was an important occasion.”
“Tell me, how does one celebrate an anniversary like this?”
I smiled. “You figure it out.”
