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WHY WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
Are you beginning to understand how differently men and women see themselves when it comes to love? This contrast has its source in the way we each value ourselves as a human being:
Women define and value themselves by how successfully they love and relate. Men define and value themselves by how successfully they achieve and accomplish.
How did men and women get to be this way? The reasons are sociological and cultural, going back thousands and thousands of years. Simply put, in more primitive times, a man’s value was measured by his ability to hunt and provide his family or group with food, his ability to defend himself and those he was responsible for, and his standing in the tribe or community. His success at these tasks literally meant life or death for him and those he loved. Still today, society judges men on how much money they make, how high up the ladder of success they’ve climbed, how successful they are at “hunting” as demonstrated by their house, their car, their clothing, etc.
A woman in primitive times, on the other hand, was valued for very different characteristics – her ability to take care of a man and their children, her ability to emotionally and sexually satisfy him and thereby keep him interested enough to continue providing for and protecting her, her ability to get along with him, his relatives, and the other members of the community. Her success at these tasks also had life-or-death consequences, for females who did not please men and win their favor had no way to take care of themselves and ultimately would perish.
Now it’s becoming clear why women put love first: We have done it for thousands of years. Our very survival depended on it. We have learned to maintain a continual awareness of the state of our love life, doing our best to make sure everything is okay, that there aren’t any problems we’re overlooking, that our partner is still happy with us. So when things are good in our relationship, we feel good about ourselves, and when they’re not, we feel unsettled and insecure.
This explains a secret all women know about ourselves: No matter how smoothly things are going in our professional life, or with our projects, hobbies, and interests, if there’s a problem in our intimate relationship, we’re miserable. We could be having a fantastic day at the office, but if things are bad at home, it ends up feeling like a bad day. It doesn’t even have to be a substantial problem – maybe we just had a little argument with our husband the night before – but that will be enough to make our heart ache all day long, in spite of whatever accomplishments we experience at work.
I will confess that I’ve experienced this time and time again in my own life. I could be having the most exciting day doing a TV show, promoting a new book, or giving a seminar to thousands of people, but if there’s some lack of harmony in my relationship with my partner, it’s very difficult for me to fully feel the joy of my achievements. Why? Because like many women, I define myself so strongly by the big part of my Love Pie – the content of my heart, and the state of love in my life. The truth is that all the applause or book sales or attention in the world can’t remove the sadness I feel when my mate and I aren’t as connected as I want to be.
Most men experience the opposite of this phenomenon: If things are wonderful with their love life, but they’re having a bad day at work, it is difficult for them to feel good. Why? Because men also tend to define themselves by the big part of their Love Pie – only in the case of men, it’s their achievements in their career, their accomplishments in the world, how well they think they’re measuring up to their image of who they think they should be.
One of the hardest lessons about love I have had to learn as a woman has to do with not misinterpreting a man’s behavior just because he doesn’t respond as I do. When a man doesn’t seem to want to give us as much time, attention, and focus as we think he should, our tendency is to assume that something is wrong. We think, “If I was behaving that way, it would mean that I was really angry with him, or that I didn’t care, or that he wasn’t that important to me.”
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women sometimes assume that your lack of focus on the relationship means that you don’t love us or care as much as we do.
This is why we get upset or hurt when you don’t put us first – because we want to feel you are as committed to the relationship as we are, and that you value us as much as we value you.
I agree that, as women, we need to remember that men are different, and that they don’t always show their commitment to love in the same way we do. But you can help us out a lot, guys, first by understanding why we get so disappointed, concerned, or upset when it looks to us like you don’t care, or that you’re not taking us into account, or that you’re not valuing the relationship; and second by not making us feel wrong for our emotional reactions.
HOW TO APPLY THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WHY YOU SHOULD WANT TO
Men, I am going to be making this point over and over again throughout the book: Each time you refuse to understand why your mate is feeling upset about something, whether you realize it or not you end up causing or exacerbating the very behaviors and emotions you dislike in her! In other words, she may not start out feeling insecure – she’s just behaving in ways women do when they put love first – but your critical reaction to her behavior alarms her, and then she does begin feeling insecure.
In my years working with thousands of women, and in the research and interviews I did for the book, this information is one of the most essential things women wanted men to know.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t make an effort to understand a little bit more about why women are the way they are, you can unwittingly contribute to the very behaviors in your partner that you can’t stand!
Remember the story I presented earlier about the woman whose husband didn’t call her from his out-of-town trip? He couldn’t understand why she was so upset and accused her of being insecure for needing to speak with him. Well, the reason she was upset was simple: She was imagining herself in her husband’s situation, and she knew that if she had been the one who was out of town, and didn’t call home for almost twenty-four hours, it would have meant that she was deliberately avoiding him, and that something was terribly wrong. She would have never not checked in with him, so she concluded that his not checking in with her meant he didn’t care about her feelings.
Her husband didn’t understand this principle. He just knew that she was upset, and this made him feel a bunch of feelings he didn’t want to feel: that he’d done something wrong; that he’d somehow upset her; that she had certain expectations of him that took away his sense of being independent and free; that suddenly there was a problem between them. Rather than taking the time to understand why she might have been upset, or expressing his remorse for worrying her, he blamed her for being upset in the first place. It was as if he was saying: “You’re upset because there is something wrong with you, and not because of anything I may have done or not done.”
His wife received this message loud and clear. What was the result? It only made her feel worse, and actually created the very insecurity he accused her of The more he invalidated her feelings and attributed them to her neediness rather than to her love, the more hurt and worried she became.
Guys, this story is a perfect illustration of why I believe you should be motivated to put what you’ve read here into practice. Wouldn’t it be great to know that, by handling conversations or situations with your mate just a little differently, you could prevent many of the upsets and stressful moments that you dread in your relationship? When you try some of what I suggest in the following section, you will be amazed to see how well the woman you love responds.
Here’s a summary of what I think are the most important points to remember about everything we’ve been discussing. Men, this is the section where you can really get the bottom-line information that will help you understand and get along better with your partner. And ladies, this is the part of the chapter you want to show to your husband or boyfriend even if he hasn’t read the rest!
# 1 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to invest time and energy into our relationship.
We want to talk to our man, be with him, work on staying connected.
We want to make plans, to create special memories.
We want to do whatever we can to make the relationship close, strong and lasting.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we aren’t independent enough.
You think we are too needy.
You think we are insecure.
You think we want to control you by making you give us your time and attention.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women think of love as our job.
That is why we always want to work on it, because we feel if things are not going well in our relationship, it means that somehow we have failed to do our job properly.
So when we are trying to talk to you about “us” or get you to make plans to spend time together, or when we seem to be too “into” you, it’s NOT because we are insecure or needy; it’s NOT because we are trying to control you. It’s because we are trying to create the best relationship possible. It’s because we are trying to improve and develop our most valued investment. It’s because we are doing what our heart tells us is our job – to put love first.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how much attention we put into wanting to create a wonderful relationship, rather than criticizing us for how focused we are on it.
We would love it if you let us know you value our dedication and cherish our devotion as beautiful qualities rather than thinking we are neurotic.
We would love it if, when we try to plan time with you, you remind yourself we are doing this because we love you, NOT because we’re trying to control your time.
#2 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to work on the relationship.
We want to continually improve things, to become closer and more intimate.
We want to know if there is a problem, and then we want to fix it.
We persist in trying to find out how a man is feeling when we suspect he may not be happy with us.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we’re too obsessive and can’t just relax and let things be.
You think we are too emotional and reactive.
You think we’re criticizing you and saying you aren’t good enough.
You think we want to control you and tell you how to do things.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are fierce protectors of love.
Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it. That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don’t blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy women put into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to you – she is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.
Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how concerned we are about the state of our relationship, and how diligently we try to pinpoint and eliminate tension and problems before they become damaging.
We would love it if you would see our desire to work on the relationship as an expression of our passion for you, rather than a sign that we are obsessed with making everything perfect and that we’ll never be satisfied.
We would love it if you took the initiative to notice where the relationship could improve, and expressed a desire to work on it, rather than waiting for us to always be the one to bring up issues so we look like the “troublemaker.”
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.
INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.
INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.
Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
DON’T EXPECT YOUR WOMAN TO LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN
To the men reading this: I know that, in spite of how hard I’ve worked here to explain that women put love first, you may still be secretly grumbling to yourself: “Why can’t a woman’s Love Pie look more like mine? Mine is much more reasonable – a little slice focused on love and the rest focused on life. This is a much more sane way to live. Why does she have to be so focused on me all the time? Why do I have to read charts about how to talk to her? Why can’t it all be much simpler?”
This complaint reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was in a serious relationship with a man I loved very much. We were in the middle of a difficult discussion about “us” – you know, one of those talks that makes men want to flee – and I was trying to explain why I needed him to check in with me more often, plan more time with me, and not disappear for days on end when I didn’t hear from him. He listened to my arguments silently, and then responded:
“Why can’t you focus on your own life and not think so much about me?” he asked with annoyance. “I wish you could just do your own thing, concentrate on your work, your projects and your interests, and then, if I happen to call you, you’d say casually ‘Oh hello, it’s nice to hear from you. I’ve been very busy. Well, how are you?’ Instead,” he continued, “when I call you now, you are so excited, and when I don’t call, you get upset and make it a big deal. Why can’t you just be more into yourself, and not so concerned with me?”
“In other words,” I replied sarcastically, “you wish I were a man!”
“No, I didn’t say that,” he retorted. “I just wish you weren’t so focused on love all the time.”
“Like I said,” I continued, “you wish I were a man!”
“Why do you keep repeating that? I don’t want a man – I just want you to not care so much about whether I call you or we see each other, to go ahead with your own life and if I show up, I show up.”
“I hear you,” I responded with irritation. “You wish I were a man! I keep saying that because that’s who you’re describing!”
I share this story as a response to those men who, after taking in all the information in this chapter, still might be lamenting, as Professor Henry Higgins sang in the classic Broadway musical My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” You have several choices if you really feel this way:
1. You can change your sexual preference and not have to deal with women at all. (This is probably not an option for most of you!)
2. You can find a woman who is cut off from the female part of herself and demands very little from you and from love. (This may feel comfortable for a while, but eventually, you will feel emotionally frustrated and ripped off.)
OR…
3. You can learn to understand why women are the way we are, and appreciate our nature rather than resist it.
Personally, I recommend the third option. As you’ll see throughout the rest of this book, the more you value and honor the love a woman has for you, the more she will end up giving you exactly what you want and need, offering you satisfaction and contentment in ways you couldn’t even have imagined.
Let me share a story with you about a man I knew who ended up breaking his own heart because he turned away from a woman who put love first, thinking it would be easier to be with a woman who didn’t care as much. Jonathan was in his thirties and had been living with his girlfriend, Kristen, for two years. Kristen was a bright, warm, and energetic person who adored Jonathan and wanted to spend her life with him. Although Jonathan deeply loved Kristen, he had a difficult time with how much she loved him. She was devoted, thoughtful, consistent, and definitely a woman who put love first, and it sometimes felt overwhelming to Jonathan, who thought of himself as very independent and unconventional.
I remember a conversation I had with Jonathan in which he confessed that he was craving his freedom and fantasizing about being in a less demanding relationship. “It just feels like it’s too much,” he complained.
“Jonathan,” I suggested, “I don’t think Kristen is doing anything but loving you. She’s offered you her whole heart. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Sometimes I wish she didn’t love me as much – it would make it easier to be with her.”
I was sad but not surprised when, several months later, Jonathan called to tell me that he had broken up with Kristen. I listened silently as he described a new woman he was dating, Abby, and how much more comfortable he felt. “Abby’s really different from Kristen,” he explained. “She’s not very emotional, not needy at all, and she gives me my space.”
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as Jonathan spoke about his new girlfriend. I suspected I knew the kind of woman he was talking about – a woman who had been hurt, had closed off her heart and thus demanded very little from the men in her life. My worries were corroborated when I met Abby. She was, indeed, cold and aloof. She treated Jonathan dispassionately, although he didn’t seem to notice any of this. He sat there with his arm around her making conversation, oblivious to the fact that, although she was pleasant, she was hardly paying any special attention to him. When Abby went to the restroom, Jonathan told me that he’d never felt so relaxed or free in a relationship in his life. “Naturally,” I thought to myself, “because you’re not really in an emotional relationship.” But I said nothing.
A few months later, I received a wedding invitation from Jonathan and Abby. I wanted to warn him of what I feared would be the inevitable painful outcome of his choice, but I bit my tongue and wished them the best in my heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Kristen and how devastated she would be when she found out Jonathan was marrying someone else.
What happened to Jonathan? Unfortunately, just what I thought would happen. At first, he felt relieved to be in a relationship that put so few emotional demands on him. But as time passed, he began to feel neglected by Abby. She didn’t seem to care what he did, where he went, or what was going on inside of him. She didn’t make any efforts to spend intimate time together. She wasn’t too interested in sex, and seemed content to focus on her career, hang out with her friends, and decorate their house. Basically, she just left Jonathan alone.
Slowly, Jonathan realized that he was starving for attention and affection. He began thinking about Kristen, remembering how much in love with him she’d been, and he found himself longing to feel that loved again. When he tried to talk to Abby about his needs, she showed no interest in working out their problems, insisting that she felt everything was just fine the way it was. Finally, Jonathan accepted the inevitable – he had made a terrible mistake. He had married the wrong woman.
Jonathan called me a year later to tell me he was getting a divorce. He was depressed and lonely. He’d contacted Kristen, secretly hoping that she would take him back, and was heartbroken to find she was engaged to be married to someone else. “I blew it,” he confessed to me, his voice choked with tears. “What was I thinking? Why did I convince myself I would be better off with a woman who didn’t know how to love?”
What’s the answer? Why did Jonathan turn away from the deep love he shared with Kristen for the hands-off, dispassionate kind of relationship he had with Abby? Because it seemed easier. Because it put no demands on him. Because it supported the illusion that, if he was free to do as he pleased without having to pay attention to a woman’s needs, he would be happy. Of course, Jonathan was wrong. He made a tragic mistake that many men make – he did not value the presence of a woman in his life who put love first.
Remember, men: A woman with an open, loving, passionate heart is offering you a profound gift. She is not trying to take anything from you, but rather give you her love, her commitment, her devotion, her joy. Not all women are capable of doing this. If you have one who is, hold tightly to her and thank your lucky stars that you found her.
LEARNING TO CELEBRATE YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE
A few days ago, I sent this chapter to a female friend of mine and asked her if she would read it and give me some feedback. As soon as she was finished, she called me. “Do you know how I felt reading this?” she asked. “I felt normal. It’s not like I haven’t heard some of this information before, or that I didn’t know how important love was to me. But to have it presented in the way you did helped me become more accepting of myself, and less judgmental. The truth is that for years, I’ve beat myself up for doing what I thought was loving too much. It feels so much better to think of my loving heart as a gift, not a weakness.”
I was so gratified to hear my friend’s reaction to this information, for that has been one of my main intentions in writing this chapter, and the others to follow in this section – to help women accept and love themselves more for who they are and the powerful way in which they love.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW:
Having a tender, open heart is not a curse, but a blessing. Loving deeply and with devotion is not a mistake, but a gift. Putting love first is not a weakness, but an expression of who you are as a woman.
It is difficult to always remember this when we spend our lives defending how we love to men, and when we are constantly told that something is wrong with us for giving so much of ourselves in a relationship. I’ve struggled with this dilemma myself ever since I can remember, wondering if I wouldn’t somehow be better off if my heart was less open. I remember going to see a psychic once and complaining about how deeply I loved, and how much I felt. She looked at me and said, “Barbara, you worked hard for lifetimes to learn how to love this much. Don’t apologize for it. It’s a reward. You’ve earned it.”
