Remember Me

‘Wasn’t it he needed to check with someone? I’m sure that’s what he said,’ Peter put in suddenly, his voice sharp.

His wife waved his comment away. ‘Do you think so? Doesn’t matter, anyway, because it never happened. Of course, after he said it we questioned him a bit more, but he left straight away, practically ran right out into the darkness. Peter went after him, but he headed down to East Wood, and disappeared. Perhaps he had been drinking before he came to see us, because he seemed very unsteady on his feet. All I can remember clearly is him rushing out, shouting that he needed to do something, or check with someone, but he would tell us tomorrow.’

‘Did you speak to him later at all, or try his house?’ Ava asked, annoyed that her voice came out husky. She cleared her throat and reached for her cup of tea, trying to calm her pounding heart. ‘Did he mention what his “proof” was? Did he give any hint of where she was?’

‘We weren’t sure. There have been a lot of people trying to tell us things about Ellen over the years, but Jesse… We wondered if he really had found something, so naturally, yes, we telephoned him that night, and Peter even went over to his house. As soon as it was morning, we phoned again, but there was no answer. He was living with his cousins and his girlfriend, and they said he took his bike out as soon as it was light. I telephoned the police as well, after what Jesse said, but it is such an old case, and I had nothing to tell them other than a drunken boy’s claim to know something. I can’t blame them for not following up on it.’

Ava could hardly breathe, and her fingers were clenched so tightly around the china cup that her knuckles shone white. ‘Then what happened?’

Jackie was shaking her head, eyes bright. ‘Well, they didn’t find him until the afternoon, but by then of course, it was too late. It’s such a lonely road, and apparently there had been a diesel leak from another vehicle that made him skid. He was dead. It was a couple of years ago now. I went up to Glasgow, to speak to the people who offered him the job, and he’d already rented a flat…’

‘You wondered if Ellen was in Glasgow, and that Jesse had found a trace of her?’

‘Yes. But it was a dead end. Just like all the others. The only copper who took a bit of notice was one of the team who dealt with Ellen’s disappearance. Sophie Miles. She’s a Detective Inspector working with the Major Crime Team down at Cadrington now, and she was very interested, but eventually admitted there was nothing to pursue.’

‘When we heard that you were coming home, we knew that it was our last chance. You saw her before she left, and she gave you that letter. It sounded so simple, that she was going to live a little, travel and meet new people, and we needn’t worry, but the police were never convinced, and neither were we. There was no catalyst for it, was there, cariad?’ Peter smiled benevolently at Ava, but his voice seemed to be echoing down a tunnel as she fought to get a grip on her emotions. This was far worse than she had imagined, far worse even, than the questions at the time. He continued, ‘But I’m sure even you must have wondered if she really went, or if something else happened. Because she’s never been in touch with you either, has she?’

‘No,’ Ava whispered. ‘No, she hasn’t been in touch.’

‘We knew you would have told us if she had. Ellen loved you, so if she was in trouble, even if she couldn’t tell us, it would have been you she turned to. So anyway, we have hired a private investigator. He’s coming down from Cardiff to stay here for a while, and I hope you won’t mind if he interviews you?’

Chapter 7

People have always judged me on my appearance. I don’t blame them. I mean, we are all a bit fickle like that, aren’t we? We say, ‘She’s all right, but what’s she doing with that ugly fucker?’ or we assume that if you are one of the beautiful people you can’t have a brain, or maybe that you can’t have beauty and brains. Luckily I am one of the beautiful people. Even at school the other kids would like to be around me, share bags of sweets with me, and tell me their secrets… Stupid, stupid, because with secrets comes the power to fuck people over.

My days are filled with activity, and whilst I go about my meaningless tasks, I consider my players. They are ready to go now, lined up neatly in their start positions. All I need to do is roll the dice.

There’s no keeping secrets in this village, which is pretty funny when you consider what I do. Nobody looks beneath the surface, do they? By midday I’m sure everyone knows what Jackie and Peter have done. I make it my business to find things out. I was a bit shocked when I first heard, and then I wanted to laugh out loud. The presence of this pathetic private investigator merely adds another thrill to the mix. He arrives tomorrow and I really can’t wait to meet him. He’ll be staying at the Birtleys’ with Ava. The irony of this makes me smile to myself.

My phone pings with a message, and without thinking I tap out a genial reply. I also take another phone out of a drawer, and quickly, while I think of it, send a message to someone else.

Cofiwch fi

Remember me

I wish I’d thought of this years ago, but in retrospect maybe now is when it all comes together. This was meant to happen, and I am in total control of the blood rush that will inevitably follow. I chuck the phone back with a dozen more I bought especially for this purpose.

I check my emails, logging quickly into my secret accounts, adding a few pictures to my regular forums. Of course, I always hide my true identity, using the latest software to cloak and mask my addresses, my names. In most cases, depending on the customer, I am neither male nor female – a nameless, faceless entity, but a powerful one. People rely on me to deliver what they crave. I have rich customers, young, old and male and female. They all share that same dangerous taste, and they all know I deliver for their delectation.

I knew it would be a while before I got some new pictures, so I’ve been stringing these out. She has long dark hair, and a full, curvy body. I went into town, hunting, with the venue and guests all arranged. Behind the screen I can do anything, as can my guests. The questions and requests all come at an alarming speed during my parties, and I enjoy the challenge of fulfilling them. This time, as we talked, I felt that throb of excitement. She was the one. My own body fizzed with energy, and suddenly I was back in a world of bright colours and endless possibilities. She would never have considered me a threat, because that would be laughable, so we chatted for long enough for me to know what I would do with her. It’s important to know what they enjoy, and what will bring them to the edge of that hellslide. It is always a risk, but luckily, occasionally, there are others who are willing to take risks for me. They also have to hide their predilections from the world. I am lucky to have cultivated such contacts. I do it for the money and the thrill, they do it because they have to. It is their obsession, their sickening guilty pleasure, and I have them all hooked. When I play a game like that, every sticker-fingered invite is treasured, and every payment is made promptly.

I fed them fit to bursting with the pictures of her dusty bare legs, and pink painted toenails. It was business of course, but still worth it for the fun and the money. She was sprawled across the floor, brown eyes dull and glazed with defeat. The dark, glossy hair, that attracted me earlier that evening, was now greasy with sweat. I watched the blood pool, and dipped a fingertip into the gooey redness. It was pleasant on my tongue, but missing that special sweetness that comes with reality.

My clients believe what they see, because they want to, but for the two of us, in our little hotel room, it is all mirrors and smoke. I paid her well, but for me, she wasn’t special. She asked for my number, and I gave her a fake card.

I would never contact her.

We both knew it.

I drift back to a type of reality, and open a drawer, considering the line of keys inside, neatly labelled. Nearly time to make my next move.

Mrs Birtley has always been too polite to say what she really thinks of me, so she was happy to let me in for a chat. She’s a boring, jumped-up bitch, but as she scurried off to get the cake, it was simple to snag the spare keys off her rack. I copied them, and slipped them back the next day when I delivered that history book she wanted. I always try to plan ahead for the big games.

Now Ava occupies one of the rooms and the private investigator hired by the poor, deluded Smiths will soon be snug in the same building. It’s time to start playing. I should feel a little sadness that this is the last time, but instead I am overwhelmed with excitement. I need to keep up appearances, so I give my face a quick wash to get rid of that sheen of sweat, drying it with a soft towel. See what this does to me?

There are voices outside, so before anyone else can disturb me, I lean down to the cupboard, and take out the board. Drawing a long breath, I shake the two dice in my right fist, pause to kiss my bunched fingers, and release the dotted cubes.

They fall with a clatter, soothing my thundering heart, as they have so many times before. A double six. Of course, it would be. I pick up Ava’s piece, caressing the wooden curves as though it was her flesh, and move her out onto the board.

‘Wyt ti’n barod, Ava Cole?’

‘Are you ready, Ava Cole?’

Chapter 8

When Ava walked into the pub later that evening, she stopped conversations and drew stares. The chatter resumed almost immediately, but she could feel many eyes upon her. It was like being the new kid at school, but far worse. Ellen was everywhere – laughing at the bar, downing shots at that corner table, sneaking out to the toilets with a bag of pills… Everything and nothing had changed. She was an hour late, missing out on Penny’s invitation to chat before the others arrived.

‘What are you drinking, love?’ Rhodri was beaming from a large table set for eight. He was sitting next to her ex-husband, who stared down into his pint, ignoring her. His square face was set and sullen, a good-looking playground bully who had never grown up. Penny, her blonde hair a shimmer of silk tonight, was on his right, and Leo was draped casually over the bench seat on the other side of the table, glass in hand.

‘Hi, Ava. You’re really late. Is everything okay?’ Penny seemed genuinely concerned, but Leo had that annoying smirk that said he was up to mischief.

‘I said to Pen just now, that you’d probably be late. Some things never change, do they?’

Rhodri laughed, and even Paul cracked a smile. They watched her like a pack of wolves, bound by their secrets, scenting that she might cause trouble. She was back to being the outsider from America, a face that didn’t fit.

‘I’m fine, thanks. Just had to answer a few emails from home. I share an apartment with some friends, and they wanted to catch up.’ She spoke without thinking, but noticed something change in their faces. Was it relief? Hell, what were they expecting her to do?

‘Must be hard not having your own place,’ Leo said. ‘Sounds a bit like student accommodation. I hated sharing when I was at uni.’

Fuck, it really was like a school reunion. Bubbles of hysteria rose in her throat, and she took a quick breath, trying to control the slamming of her heart. ‘I’ll get a round. What does everyone want?’ Ava said, crossing the sticky carpet, and slamming her money on the bar with unnecessary force. Could it get any worse? She decided it probably could. After all, Stephen was missing, and if they were going for a full reunion, Huw and Jesse should have been present too. Except Jesse was out of it now – released from whatever torment he had been going through. And surely he must have struggled, as she had, with the memories.

She ordered the drinks and waited whilst the sour-faced bloke behind the bar made a big show of loading up the tray. Jesse had been a nice kid, obsessed with his football and his movies. Why would he rock the boat? He’d been right there at the scene of the crime, hunkered down there in the woods, black hood pulled down over his thin face. Rhodri had been right next to him when they started the game, the firelight making ghostly patterns on the ground as he offered round the grubby cloth bag. He had been as obsessed as anyone with their game. ‘True Lies’ was an extension of the old favourite, ‘Spin the Bottle’, and they had pushed it to the limit. That night, it had been Ellen’s name picked out of the scrunched pile of paper slips in the bag.

Then Leo’s as ‘The Liar’, and finally Ava, who had to discern the truth to save her friend from paying a forfeit. It had been her fault. Whatever she told herself, it had been her choice, her answer that made Ellen do that dare. She could still hear Leo’s mocking voice, even after all these years…

* * *

‘You’re wrong, Ava. Now you know what has to happen.’

She felt his breath hot on her cheek, fingers on her chin, turning her face towards him, and his lips on hers for a brief, hard kiss. Just for a second she tried to pull away, but the grip tightened painfully.

‘Leo, I don’t want any more tonight.’

A girl’s voice floated down through the oak wood, calling her name, and Ava struggled again.

‘She’s coming now, Ava, and just remember, this is your fault. “True Lies” is for real.’ Huw was leaning over her too, his face livid and twisted in the flames, voice thickening with excitement.

‘Ellen, down here! We’re by the picnic tables… Ellen…’ Ava’s own voice was shaky, and someone pinched her arm hard. Her brain was fuddled by the drugs, and she knew something bad was going to happen. The blackness was coming in waves now. It was a familiar feeling. Desperately, she dragged at Leo’s arm, but he pushed her down onto the mud and the leaves. He was gentle now, hands lingering on her body. Her eyes were still open, and she strained to see, to speak again…

Ellen appeared now, picking her way carefully along the grassy path. She raised one arm, grabbing a low branch to help her up the slope. Her long hair was caught up in a high ponytail, and one wrist was covered with multi-coloured layers of plaited friendship bracelets, ‘Sorry I’m late… Oh, did you start without me? Shit, that’s half the vodka gone already, you greedy pigs.’

Ava raised herself on one elbow. ‘Ellen, I’m sorry—’

Before she could say anything else, the chemicals pumping around her bloodstream overwhelmed her, Ava closed her eyes, rolling heavily onto the leaf-strewn ground.

* * *

Ava slid onto the bench seat, trying to stay in the present, smiling at Penny, carefully avoiding Leo’s arrogant blue stare.

‘Isn’t it lovely to have Ava back for a while?’ Penny raised her glass in a determined toast. ‘It’s going to be so lovely catching up on all your news, Ava.’

Rhodri was already merry, and he lifted his own glass, his hand shaking slightly. ‘Iechyd da!’ There was sheen of sweat on his pale face, and his eyes glittered.

It was farcical, but nobody argued with Penny, who chattered on, beaming at them all, turning the whole evening into a charming social gathering. She had always had cheerleader tendencies, Ava remembered. Blonde ponytail swinging, she was the first to stick her hand up in class. She even turned up every Saturday to cheer on the local football team.

Her Uncle Alf was the coach, so at least she got to sit in the car when the weather was bad. Ava and Ellen had waged a term-long campaign until the coach grudgingly accepted the two girls could actually play better than some of the boys, and let them come to matches as part of his ‘B’ team.

Leo was still watching Ava, studying her face with an intensity that made her shiver. Whatever they had done, whatever they had meant to each other, it was dead and finished. She would make sure it stayed that way. Her finger flicked across her phone screen, and she glanced down, quickly tapping out a reply to her on-off boyfriend, Joe, reassuring him she was fine. Joe, like the others before him, was fun, and their relationship was only picked up when they both had time. They surfed, drank and had great sex but that was it. There was no deeper connection. He was an out-of-work actor from Chicago, hoping for his big break, attending auditions with thousands of other hopefuls, and coming away each time a little more broken, but very little wiser. Everyone had a dream, but when were you supposed to stop chasing rainbows? In LA you could be searching for your whole life, and still wind up under the pier in Santa Monica.

‘So your boss didn’t mind you taking time off work then, Ava?’ Paul eventually entered the conversation, grudgingly, and heavily prompted by his wife.

Ava saw how his big, scrubbed hand was marked with the scars of cannulas, veins raised like worms, as he put his pint glass back down on the table, and how his rugged, handsome face was set, jaw rigid. He had never hit her, but abuse wasn’t always physical – she knew that to her cost. She felt something then, a sudden rush of pity that she knew he wouldn’t want. ‘No. He’s a good boss.’ All the questions she wanted to ask about Paul’s treatment, his death, would have to wait. A crowded pub was not the place to discuss something so personal.

‘Are you working on any big cases at the moment?’ Rhodri asked.

Ava shook her head and took a long drink. ‘Just tying up a few bits and pieces. I couldn’t tell you anything even if I was, unfortunately.’

‘Shame. I love those true crime documentaries on TV. I’m pretty good at guessing who’s guilty.’ Rhodri was smiling at her now, scratching his red curls thoughtfully.

‘Really? Actually I like baking programmes. I’ve seen Penny’s website. It looks amazing!’ Ava injected just the right amount of enthusiasm into her voice, neatly swinging the subject back to them. She was genuinely impressed with her old friend’s business acumen, so it wasn’t hard. The pub doors banged and Ava jumped nervously, looking quickly over her shoulder for her son.

‘She has done well. She’s even won some awards!’ Paul was smiling fondly at his wife, and Ava was pleased to see the genuine affection between them. ‘Although she won’t mind me sharing that it was me that taught her how to use her computer properly. I even built her website for her.’

Penny was laughing, sat right in the middle of the boys, her cheeks flushed pink with all the praise. ‘It isn’t just Welsh cakes, it’s Welsh honey, and vegetable boxes, and the meat. Not to mention the craft items. Online is the way to go nowadays. Mrs Birtley still keeps asking when I’m going to stop messing around on my computer and open a proper shop in the village. It’s weird, because I’ve got Miss Addley from number seventeen as a supplier for those gorgeous hand-knitted quilts, and she’s been selling them on Etsy for ages, yet Mrs B, who must be ten years younger, can’t even switch a computer on!’

There was laughter, real laughter, for the first time. The tension dropped a notch, and the smiles were more than just bared teeth and stiff lips.

‘Stephen should be over soon,’ Penny said, glancing at her watch, and then quickly at Leo and Paul. ‘He and Bethan were just finishing their packing.’

‘Packing?’ Ava queried.

‘Shall we tell her now?’ Leo asked, without moving his gaze from Ava’s face.

‘Yes, come on. Penny wouldn’t tell me the big news earlier, and I’ve been waiting in anticipation ever since.’ Fuck, that sounded sarcastic, and she caught Paul’s glare. She fidgeted with her phone again, trying to push down the instinctive reaction at the mention of her son’s name – the unwelcome burst of agitation that set fiery bugs crawling in her stomach, and made her throat tight. It couldn’t be worse than last night.

Rhodri leaned forward now. He smelled of beer and stale sweat, his red hair was matted, and his eyes were still too bright. ‘Stephen and Bethan are taking part in Leo’s show.’

‘In Tough Love?’ She wasn’t sure what to think. It certainly wasn’t the dramatic reveal she had been expecting. ‘Why would they want to do that?’

Leo was grinning lazily at her. ‘I think Bethan wants to be famous, and Stephen likes a challenge.’

‘Don’t you think it’s exciting?’ Penny asked, leaning forward eagerly. ‘It’s such an opportunity for both of them. After all, Leo started out as a reality show contestant, didn’t you, lovely?’

‘True. Made in Wales. It makes me cringe now. All I had to do was play to the game and pull the girls. It wasn’t hard.’ He grinned as his friends booed. ‘Seriously, it is a great chance to make things happen, and they’re both smart kids. Good-looking too. We only ever have good-looking people on the show.’

‘You don’t. That girl, Frannie, in your last series was an ugly cow!’ Paul told him, smiling.

‘Okay, we mostly have good-looking people. She worked well because she argued with everyone on the whole show. But generally beautiful people work best on camera! But if you work it the right way, it can be a stepping stone to other things. I reckon Stephen and Bethan are smart enough to have worked that out. They won’t get on with the fame-hungry mob I’ve got lined up, but it will make great TV.’ Leo slid his phone out of his pocket. ‘Sorry, got to take this call.’

As Leo headed off outside, Ava sipped her drink, and tried to absorb the new information. Did it really matter? Not really. It just meant that her childhood friends were all still bound together, all doing each other favours, tied by their past, but seemingly unaffected by what had happened. Rhodri, of course seemed set on the most destructive path, but he might have done that anyway. And Jesse?

‘Come on, we need to eat. Ava, what are you having?’ Penny pushed the menu over, and pointed out a few dishes. ‘The curry is great… or the lamb, or fish and chips?’

The drink was blurring the edges of her anxiety. ‘Yeah. Curry would be fine, thanks. Shall I get some more drinks in?’

They nodded, and Leo grinned over his pint glass, ‘You can still pack them away, Ava. We’ll all have hangovers tomorrow morning at this rate.’

She smiled sweetly at him. ‘Shall I get you a Coke instead? With a stripy straw in?’ It slipped out before she could stop herself. An old shared joke, from a time when she loved to tease him. She bit her lip, furious at her mistake.

‘Of course.’ Amusement made his eyes gleam, and the white teeth showed under the curve of his full upper lip. Yes, still a good-looking bastard. And she wasn’t going to let him get to her.

Coming back with another full tray, she found Stephen and Bethan wedged uncomfortably at her end of the table. Her son scowled at her when she congratulated them on their selection for Tough Love, but Bethan beamed. She was wearing a tight black wool top, and ripped jeans. Her hair cascaded wildly across her pale little face.

‘I’m so excited. I can’t wait to start. Dad is more excited than I am. He keeps trying to give me advice on how to get across the hills faster, and where to land after the zip line. I mean, there is only one place to land isn’t there? Right in Big Water!’

‘Is Huw happy you’re doing the show then?’ Ava was surprised. She had no say as a parent of course, but surely Huw must have some reservations about his daughter going on such an outrageous show. Although it was billed as a test of survival, a love story set in the Welsh hills, and various other tenuous claims, contestants were always fame hungry, and happy to get viewers’ votes in any way they could.

‘Oh yes! He’s always been really supportive of my career. He drives me to modelling auditions and all that. He wants me to be famous like Leo. I will do it too…’ Her face was bright with promise, and watching her, even Stephen’s expression had lightened as she spoke.

Ava couldn’t think of anything to say to this – being famous sounded like hell to her. She smiled tightly and took another slug of her drink. Who would want strangers watching every move you took, obsessing about what you ate, and who you were sleeping with? Plus, when you screwed up, it was front page news. The spirits burned her throat on the way down and she choked a bit. Rhodri reached over and thumped her back. ‘Cough it up, love, and then have some more.’