Don’t eat yourself. Take care of yourself

Then, it would seem, everything is clear:

Put an end to the painful relationship and move toward healthy love!

That’s the whole problem: the end just won’t come. And no matter how much persistence and determination a person shows, it still won’t come. Even if they’ve broken up, a short time passes before a strong desire to meet again and literally merge, despite all the pain from previous failed attempts, surges from the depths of the soul.

Where do such powerful desires come in the soul, that can so control a person?

From childhood.

There, the child didn’t receive the attention he desired, was deprived of care, his individuality was largely devalued and unaccepted. Or he wasn’t safe and suffered cruelty. Or he grew up in an unsuitable environment.

This state of affairs creates a desire in a person to replenish what is belonging naturally theirs.

And it’s as if a command is sent to the brain: “You must quickly replenish what’s missing, at any cost!” However, at the same time, there’s no time to calmly and rationally consider such a serious life task.

The command has already been accepted for execution!

But then there are errors in the perception – wishful begin to replace reality. After all, the command says to act quickly.

Then, just a glance from an outwardly attractive person, i caught on myself, quickly turns into the certainty that he already loves me, and we will spend old age together. I’m exaggerating the degree of naivety, of course, but still.

And in the interval between now moment and old age, I will enjoy the attention, genuine interest, long-awaited care, acceptance, admiration…

And now I already feel that I love him. It has happened! A holiday has come into my life.

However, a person who rushes to carry out the brain’s command falls in love not so much with that other real person, but with own fantasies, with his idea of him, with an image.

Just as a man walking in the desert sees a mirage that will help him quench his thirst, so our hero sees in another a mirage that will fulfill his deepest dreams.

However, time passes, and his eyes open, but not yet completely.

It already becomes clear that the chosen love is not a mirage, but a genuine other person. That he possesses a number of personality traits that are difficult to enjoy and impossible to ignore.

Of course, the already half-disillusioned hero still strives to place his chosen one to the confines of his fantasies, demanding that he be this, that, and that… But chosen love resists.

And he resists so much that disappointment overwhelms our hero again:

“I didn’t receive this as a child. Will i not receive it and now!? Was it all in vain? Is everything really so unfair to me?”

Of course, he doesn’t engage in this exact internal dialogue with himself. This might happen in a psychologist’s office, when he gradually comes to a realization. But in everyday life, our hero doesn’t enter this area with such discussions, but rather experiences a generally difficult-to-describe dissatisfaction with himself, his life, his partner, and other life’s troubles that come his way.

And now, some time later, we see him, after several breakups and reunions, rationally reasoning: “There’s no future in this relationship. It’s just pain, and nothing more. I’m breaking up. This time, for sure!”

But it’s not that simple. In the end his needs were never met. There was only the illusion of their satisfaction. Moreover, in such situations, so-called tunnel perception.

Thus, a person believes that they can only receive love from one person, because they once felt it with that person: “I can’t love anyone else, and no one will love me”. And tunnel perception is called tunnel because the person is unable to look around, and see other people, but is convinced, that person is their only chance.

Therefore, no matter how many times a person breaks up and kills love through sheer force of will, anyway they still harbor in their souls a childish, naive, yet firm conviction that something will change any minute now, and everything will be fine… And they will finally get what they deserve!

People prefer to keep this confidence a secret from the skeptical gazes of “adults who don’t understand anything, callous, and unromantic.”

Furthermore, this belief in a happy future, despite obvious inconsistencies, is also ingrained by the unique experience of spending time together.

Such problematic couples often have a third “partner” – a mind-altering substance. This allows the couple to escape the shackles of “boring adult life” and embark on a journey into a world of sublime feelings and vibrant experiences.

After experiencing some setbacks, people seek help from a psychologist, but even here, failures can be lurking. They come seeking Insight, a sudden epiphany that will finally help them put everything in its place.

However, sudden Insight aren’t sold by psychologists. They are a reward for the clients’ painstaking thought. And then, of course, ways to replenish the deficient love are found.

And painful love, with the client’s complete dedication, has no chance of surviving during psychotherapy and dissolves.

The customer learns to recognize important for they feelings in people, avoid making hasty choices, cope with difficult feelings, and ultimately, they move significantly closer to a relationship they can be satisfied with, without any “buts…". Well, almost without any “but…”.

Support – Sex

Both women and men, among other things, expect support from relationships.

But they don’t always receive it in a timely manner, in sufficient quantity, or of the desired quality.

Some view this state of affairs as normal.

Others are deeply distressed. This typically happens to those who experienced a significant lack of parental love and support in early childhood.

Then, in adulthood, they demand that their loved one “make up for” what they missed in childhood. In other words, they unconsciously view their loved one as a parent.

High expectations are placed on such a deputy of parent. Typically, I want them to be attentive, sensitive, understanding, kind, wise, and always, or almost always, able to find time to take care of me…

But if the deputy of parent fails to fulfill their responsibilities, they very quickly become bad – dry, angry, unfeeling, indifferent, unloving, selfish…

This is the drama that unfolds.

Then the deputy of parent is given another chance, then another, and another…

But they will not go far thus.

And those who want to go far come to psychotherapy.

There, through experience, they learn not to suffer when their loved one doesn’t provide them with support, but instead to seek support within themselves, without any resentment or misunderstandings.

They learn to provide support to their loved one, which they greatly enjoy.

They learn to distinguish between situations where and what kind of support from their loved one is needed, and situations in which the best solution is to rely on their own strength.

They learn to express their desire for support clearly and understandably, and they eliminate the passive-aggressive form of expecting support.

The topic of support is often linked to sexual relations.

Sex is often used as a “method” for relieving anxiety.

The unconscious logic goes something like this: I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. How about I get heavenly pleasure, because it’s always saved me.

I suggest this idea to my love human, but he doesn’t want to. He either says so directly or indirectly.

Calamity.

What should I do with my anxiety?

The result is arguments, accusations of lack of support, infidelity, and sometimes divorce, allegedly due to “sexual incompatibility.”

But those who don’t divorce, over time and through psychotherapy, understand that libido (sexual attraction) is a very sensitive and fragile thing. And if something is wrong with a person’s soul, their desire and interest in lovemaking will be completely absent, or at a low level. Then the central theme becomes not sex and support itself, but the history of the relationship’s development and the factors that led the couple to this state.

The Consequences of adultery and the Fear of Being Alone

An adultery happened

There were many grievances and arguments

Time passed, and the couple seemed to have returned to their normal lives

But something was wrong…

But who was cheated on has the bad taste lingered,

Metaphorically speaking, this bad taste might sound like this:

“He’s found a replacement for me. Now i learned that he can easily find someone to replace me. All his words about my exclusivity are lies. All my faith in our destiny and love is naive. I’m very confused and can’t trust him completely now. But it seems I have nowhere to go from him. I’ve become too accustomed to him, and I can’t imagine being alone without him. Therefore, I need to suppress my powerful feelings and forget”.

Yes, after a while, the adultery images stop popping into head every day, such like:

How did things go between them?

What did he say to her?

How did he behave?

How dare he do that?

How many times did they fuck and where?

And what is she like?

How is she better than me?

What attracted him to her?

Because the daily preoccupation with finding answers to these questions is a strain on the person themselves, their consciousness reduces their significance and shifts their attention to the mundane concerns of the present moment. Simply to avoid going crazy from self-flagellation and a storm of emotions.

Relationships are damaged

People become distant

Trust is lost

Quarrels for all sorts of reasons increase

And it seems to the “lovers” that they’re arguing about oversalted soup, or about disagreements over the interpretation of works of art, or about work issues, but they’re arguing about betrayal that occurred a year or even ten years ago.

The victim of adultery has an unconscious desire. She takes a wait-and-see attitude, like, “One more screw-up on his part, and I’ll break off our relationship because I’ll realize he is hopeless person”.

This position is self-deception, of course.

The problem is that the victim of adultery decides to suppress the resentment. That is, to “jump over” the hell that happened to them and move on with their life. But this is too powerful and significant an experience to be dismissed in this way. To close one’s eyes to it. To forget it, to lose it among other life events.

Therefore, in psychological work with adultery, it is important to contact to the point where it all happened and make the best choice for one’s own life after such a traumatic case.

If you’ve been cheated on, it’s sad.

If you’re deeply distressed by it, it’s normal.

If you’re trying to forget and ignore it, it’s unfair to oneself.

If you’re deeply upset and resentful toward the cheater, that’s understandable.

If you’ve yourself cheated on them before, then what happened is naturally.

If you’re angry toward the third person in your relationship triangle, that’s perfectly normal.

If you’re trying to heal a mental wound by entering into a new relationship, it’s ineffective and temporary.

If your self-esteem has been damaged, that’s inevitable.

If you are confident you can bring to reason the cheater, that’s naive.

If you feel obligated to seek revenge, it’s exciting, however such way won’t heal your pain.

If you believe that your super-intensified control over your cheater will yield positive results, so your aspiration for totalitarianism stems from deep resentment. The sooner you give up total control, the better off everyone will be.

If you’re hoping that a delicious meal you prepare will entice your cheater back into your home, you’re thinking like a grandmother. If you’re a grandmother, then okay. If not, then abandon that idea and start cooking delicious food for yourself.

If you’re resentful, embittered, distrustful, and often remind his infidelity, yet you continue the relationship, that’s neurotic.

If you always scolding him for what he did is useless, naive, and illogical.

If you’ve become more meticulous about grooming yourself and preening to rekindle the spark, that’s humiliating. Is this fair to your feelings?

If you’ve started drinking, smoking, and eating more, that’s to be expected.

If you think that the pain of betrayal can be poured out completely to friends, that’s funny.

If you think “all families live like this, and it’s fine…” – that’s not true.

If you’re trying to justify his actions, that’s masochistic.

If you still love him, you still haven’t recovered from the shock.

If you think you don’t want any more romantic relationship at all anymore, that’s hasty.

If you don’t know what to do, consult a psychologist – that’s logical.

(s)he left me

What should do?

It’s all so painful. I want to close my eyes, then open them, and realize I imagined it. The unknown is frightening, and sadness is overwhelming.

And it begins to seem like something can be fixed.

At first, I resort to philosophy: I need to say something to my loved one To make him change his mind about leaving me. They’ll understand something that was previously implicit to them. It’s best if the statement is short, concise, and evokes deep feelings.

If that doesn’t work… then I can recall all the complaints he’s made against me before. I’ll deal with them. I’ll make a promise to fix everything, to take all their grievances into account. And if possible, I’ll tell it to them.

Sometimes, after this, the relationship is given a “second chance” (or tenth already). And of course, the promises aren’t kept, because they were made contrary to one’s values. And the author the promises was driven by a desire to return to a warm, pleasant, and loving relationship as quickly as possible.

He doesn’t like this. The already shaky relationship falls apart once again. This time even more completely. The realization of the uncompromising reality of what’s happening brings on a sense of dread.

This dread pushes one to seek the quick medicine for treatment love relation. Addictions flare up again, and so does the desire to escape this world into another.

The internet, for example, offers many things:

“Throw away all his things,” he says. “That way you’ll forget him faster.”

“Block him everywhere, do not call, do not message” he says.

On the internet, everything is always simple.

A word of warning:

It’s believed that discarded things will have a magical effect. Like: no his things-no memories-no problems.

Of course, you should get rid things, but not right away, and don’t perceive this as salvation. Otherwise, it’ll be doubly sad later, when suddenly the something bad happens, and the things already lying in a garbage dump, and you can’t even touch them to calm down.

You’ll still have time to dispose of things. That’s not the real reason of the pain in your soul.

By blocking him, you’re cultivating a secret fantasy that you sometimes don’t even admit to yourself. As if the reason he hasn’t come back to you yet is because he can’t call or text you because you blocked him.

Of course, it’s hard to admit to yourself that the phone’s silent because he doesn’t want to text you. He simply doesn’t want to. He’s not even angry at you, not offended, he just doesn’t want to. He’s not interested in you. And he even is not standing poor thing, in the rain, wet, cold, and desperate for you to unlock him on your phone again. Wake up.

You can lose weight, gain weight, change jobs, or work until you lose interest, you can change your clothing style as much as you like, correct your face, experiment with your hair… in essence, it’s no different from alcoholism after a breakup. All of this is running away from your pain through distraction. If the pain is there, then no matter how hard you run from it, it will still make itself known. If not now, then in a year, or ten.

Often the serpent tempter comes and leads you by the hand into another relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you like this person or not, but you need at least something. The serpent tempter says this is necessary for:

a) To save face and preserve pride;

b) To get revenge on the ex, let him see what he’s lost;

c) And something else…

But the serpent-tempter is dull and doesn’t understand that all this is nothing more than an attempt to escape the terrifying loneliness and uselessness.

Sometimes these feelings are incredibly painful, and the sufferer resorts to extreme measures – hinting or openly threatening suicide if the loved one doesn’t love them back.

However, it’s important to understand that the threat of suicide does not confirm deep love. And the one being threatened will do not fall in love anew.

So what should we do then?

If you really want to return this relationship. You love him and can’t live without him, then go and rebuild it!

Forget asking other people about effective ways to restore a relationship. There aren’t any. Nor are there any mysterious ones you haven’t even guessed about. You know everything. Trust your heart and your mind.

If you go to him, and he sends you away…

If you go to him, and he ignores you…

If you go to him, and he go away from you…

Stop. Rest, and then go back to him again.

If he’s ignoring you persistently, grab a sleeping bag, go into his entrance of the house and sleep near his door. There’s a risk, though. The neighbors might not understand, and he might call the police. Stop. Weigh the pros and cons. If love will win, and if you are little crazy, don’t forget to pack some warm socks, it can get cold at night.

Love and the desire to restore the relationship live in your heart. This is worth stepping on rakes and breaking your head for.

Important!

While you’re trying to restore the relationship, be very attentive to your lover’s behavior and the reactions of your soul.

Stop after while.

Do you still think you know this person? (Based on their recent behavior).

Is what’s in your heart truly love?

Before did you fall in love with this person or with someone else “who was in his body”?

Do you still believe that deep down they love you?

Do you still not imagine another person who will love you?

If the answers to these questions haven’t brought you the slightest peace, then get up and keep stepping on the same rakes again. Perhaps you need more time. It’s okay. Also perhaps you’re quite stubborn. Keep going.

If after a while you suddenly find yourself feeling calmer, no longer wanting to fidget, trying to prove to him that you deserve him love, and today you genuinely no longer want to go on duty into the entrance of his house again, then congratulations, you’re on the mend.

Understand that everyone who breaks up experiences pain and illusions to varying degrees, which can go something like this:

Idealizing your ex or intensely hating them. These are essentially the same thing, just with opposite emotional assessment. Но когда вы сможете просто вспоминать о ваших отношениях, не будучи поглощенными эмоциональной бурей, вы приблизитесь к выздоровлению.

People think that if they were dumped, then they’re bad, uninteresting, empty, worthless, fat, thin, big-nosed, boring… That’s not true. You’re a good person. And improve yourself simply for the sake of improving, not to be more valuable on the romantic market.

People think they’ll never find anyone else. Chances are, you’ll find someone you enjoy. But even if that doesn’t happen, it’s actually worth taking care of yourself. It’s wrong to feel somehow inferior if you’re single.*

Accept the fact that you’ll be on your own for a while. Yes, and your heart will be without love for some time. For a while, you’ll miss the image and touch of your loved one. That’s true.

Sometimes it will little hurt, sometimes it will hurt. But you’ve lived through a lot in life, so you know how to survive. Do as you feel. Who knows what lies ahead… But right now you exactly absolutely need to take care of yourself.

Why don’t close romantic relationships work out?

One of the reasons: emotional wounds received in childhood through interactions with parents.

The logic is as follows:

A child is born.

He has parents (or not necessarily parents, but any adults who are very close to him and raise him).

He doesn’t perceive them as ordinary mortals, with their joys and sorrows.

He perceives them as if they are the very world into which he was born.

For him, they are something like the embodiment of God.

And in his relationship with these “higher beings,” the child experiences for the first time in his life practically the entire spectrum of human emotions, feelings, and desires associated with them:

Interest, joy, anger, pleasure, fear, sympathy, shame, bliss, disgust, contempt, confidence, suffering, surprise, humiliation, affection, resentment, dependence, tenderness, rejection…

And since parents aren’t “higher beings,” they raise their children with certain biases or emphases. These, in turn, stem from the parents’ own emotional traumas, which they themselves got from their own parents (and this chain could probably be extended back to cavemen).

For example, in one family, they loved to keep their child in fear. Well, they liked his frightened eyes and vulnerability. Thus, the child concludes that the world is more frightening than interesting.

In another family, the parents never had enough time for closeness with their child. Caring for him was done perfunctorily. To give gadget in his hands. And feed him so he doesn’t die of hunger. That is all. In this way, a child may develop a conviction, for example, that there is no person in the world who would understand his soul and who would sincerely want to get closer to him.

The third family was held together by their favorite pastime – shaming and criticizing each other. Of course, this extended to the child, too. No matter what they did, no matter how they behaved, the parents always found a way to make their cheeks blush and make them want to sink into the ground with shame. Plus, his Self-belief and belief in one’s own adequacy crumbled.

In the fourth family, the parents suffer. They dislike or hate each other. They constantly squabble. They often involve the child, each trying to drag them over to their “right” side. But they stick together, supposedly “for the sake of the child.” Meanwhile, the child develops the belief that any close relationship between a woman and a man = suffering.

The fifth family has a neurotic parent who can change their mood at the speed of light: one minute they praised the child, three minutes later they yelled at him, two minutes later they went to the bathroom to cry, five minutes later they came out and convinced the child to forgive them for their outburst, a minute later they forgot about the incident.

And if the child continues to recover from the emotional overload “longer than he should,” the parental hysteria can repeat itself. Then the child understands that nothing in the world is stable. At any moment he can expect something incomprehensible and overly emotional, an explosion from which there is nowhere to hide. And later, he himself may become just as unbalanced actor and get involved in playing games with his parents. But that’s already a very sad scenario.