Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia

The baggage crew said they did.

As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the conductor, asked: "Is my dog all right?"

"I don't know, miss," replied the conductor.

"Don't know?" she replied. "Why don't you know? It's your business to know. You haven't touched him or untied him?"

"No; we didn't touch or untie him, and that's just it. You tied him to a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be put off, and so we threw the dog off with the trunk!"

Not the Kind She Wanted

"Which way, please, to the corset department?" she asked of the floor-walker.

"Straight back, madam."

"No, not straight back," was the reply. "I want a straight front."

His Last Request

JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): "You have the legal right to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted,"

PRISONER (a barber): "I should like just once more to be allowed to shave the District Attorney."

Why He Really Wanted to Go

"Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?" asked the bridegroom in a tender voice.

"What! to smoke, sweetheart?" questioned the bride.

"Oh, dear, no," replied the young husband; "I want to experience the agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all the more intensified."

No End to This Game for Two

  Said He: "It is sweeter to give than receive.    Of a whipping this doubtless is true,  But of kissing I cannot believe    It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you?"  Said She; "I don't know; let's each give and receive,    And so come to proof of the prop.  Now you give, and I'll take, and we'll leave    The one to decide who cries 'Stop!'"

And This in Boston!

A man who has just returned from Boston is "chortling" over a good joke on that correct and literary city. He says that in the reading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads:

ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE

Man Wants but Little, etc.

"Please, mum," said a tramp, "would you be so kind as to let me have a needle and thread?"

"Well, y-e-s," said the housewife at the door, "I can let you have that."

"Thankee, mum. Now, you'd oblige me very much if you'd let me have a bit of cloth for a patch."

"Yes, here is some."

"Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different color from my suit, I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's old clothes that this patch will match."

"Well, I declare! You're clever, my man, and I'll give you an old suit. Here is one."

"Thankee greatly, mum. I see it's a little large, mum, but if you'll kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out."

It Certainly Tickled Them

An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, "Did you see my picture safely delivered?"

"Indeed I did," replied the man, "and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin', but, Lor'! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!"

Cured Without Medicine

A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something of a confidential adviser to the divine.

Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill. After a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful servitor, saying:

"Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I am unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning's service."

At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his master that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the latter did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home feeling much better.

"Youse better, sah ?" asked the man, meeting his master at the door.

"Very much better, thank you, Julian."

The servant grinned. "What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you'd be all right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system."

Enthusiasm Squelched

An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over the fact and the pleasures to come.

"How delightful it will be," he said to his wife, "to tread the bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the sea, the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great drafts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the prow of the steamer with my mouth open–"

"You probably will, dear," interrupted his wife encouragingly.

"That's the way all the ocean travelers do."

Definitive

The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word "conceited," which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson. "Now, boys," he said, "suppose that I was always boasting of my learning—that I knew a good deal o' Latin, for instance, or that my personal appearance was—that I was very good-looking, y' know—what should you say I was?"

Straightforward Boy; "Sure, sir, I'd say you was a liar, sir!"

Wanted to Give Her Every Chance

The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard to please. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down and show to her; nothing suited.

For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young woman said condescendingly, "Well, I don't intend to buy. I was just looking for a friend."

"Wait a moment, madam," cried the clerk. "There is one more blanket left on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it."

Murder Will Out

The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist had returned to her Boston home. "I am glad that your mind has taken a turn toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now than if you lived in Chicago," said her proud parent.

"Yes, Father," she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.

"And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way."

"Yes, Father."

"I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also," continued the ambitious parent.

"Yes, Father," was the still modest reply.

"I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far, but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you can think of anything which you believe will add to your equipment for the career which you are about to begin—if you can suggest some other way of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know of anything else, my dear?"

"Yes, Father," and this time the downcast eyes were raised and looked hopefully into his.

"Speak out; never mind the expense."

"Well, Father, I'd like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thump that yap from the country."

Taking Mamma at Her Word

MOTHER: "Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to make Charlie cry so?"

ETHEL: "I've only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. You said it was so nice."

It Was Worse Than Bigotry

A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry—that's trigonometry."

A Devotional Turn of Mind

As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have become an active member of the church.

"Good-evening, my young friend," he said solemnly; "do you ever attend a place of worship?" /

"Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night," replied the young fellow with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now."

Poor Little Chap!

A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country for the first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, on a high bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.

The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seated herself at the youngster's side. To her the child turned a radiant face and asked:

"Say, it's dern pretty, ain't it? Is this all in the United States?"

The Horse Had a Habit

At an annual series of races "for all comers," the sun was blazing down on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for a tall, raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starter and get into line.

The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. "Bring up that horse!" he shouted. "Bring him up!"

The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back; "I can't! This here's been a cab-horse, and he won't start till he hears the door shut, an' I ain't got no door!"

She Won Her Uncle

Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome four-year-oid Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.

One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never stirred from his position—in truth his eyes were tight shut.

By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle Harry softly inquired:

"Feepy?"

"No," growled Uncle Harry.

"Tired?" ventured Helen.

"No," said her uncle.

"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.

"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.

"Dus' feel bum, hey?"

And that won the uncle!

Still He Wondered

One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. "I had a great many more patients last year than I have this," he remarked to his wife. "I wonder where they have all gone to?"

"Well, never mind, dear," she replied. "You know all we can do is to hope for the best."

A Lesson In It

"The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is," said a man to a member of that organization, "that instead of opposing the christening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it a great temperance lesson."

"Why, how can we?" asked the "white ribboner."

"Well," was the reply, "after the first taste of wine the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after."

It Was His Privilege

As an express train was going through a station, says "Tit-Bits," one of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to a porter who was standing by:

"What shall I do?"

"You're all right, mister," said the porter. "Your ticket allows you to stop off."

Still Hopeful

"Well, Jimmy," said his employer, "I don't see how you are going to get out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times last summer."

"Oh, yes, I can, sir," answered Jimmy. "Grandpapa has married again, although it was very much against the wishes of the family."

He Thought She Ought to Know It

"No, I haven't anything for you today. You are the man I gave some pie to a fortnight ago?"

"Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p'r'aps you'd like to know I'm able to get about again."

A Possible Substitute

"What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?" asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.

"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply.

One on the Preachers

The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath observance were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards bearing the name of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received by prominent citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a vessel on the next Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the tide was highest on that day.

Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised and denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one remembered it was April the first.

Charlie Remembered Her Well

A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings were entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange curiosity as the candidate was led into the water. The spring freshets had made the river somewhat turbulent, and it was with difficulty that the minister maintained his footing. During the following week the young woman called at the home of this family, and after the usual greetings said to the little boy as she extended her hand: "Come here, Charlie, and see me. You don't know who I am, do you?" she continued. "Yes, indeed I do," said the boy. "You's that woman who went in swimmin' with the minister on Sunday."

Couldn't Follow Him

"John," said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was home on a vacation, "hev ye noticed Si Mullet's oldest gal lately? Strikes me she's gettin' ter be a right likely critter, hey?"

"She's as beautiful as Hebe," agreed John enthusiastically.

"Aw, shucks!" grunted Farmer F. "She's a blame sight purtier 'n he be. Why, he ain't no beauty. She gits it f'm her mother's folks."

Frivolity of Outward Show

Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing topic of conversation in the family.

"I feel sure this hat's not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane," said the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to her young husband as she did in her going-away costume.

"What does it matter, child! Look at me!" replied Aunt Jane, in a comforting tone. "I put on anything! Don't I look all right?"

Just as Well

A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him he would only get relief by having it out.

"Then I must hae gas," said the Scotsman.

While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his money.

The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the tooth is out."

"I ken that," said the Scotsman, "but as ye're aboot to mak' me unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan'."

The Same, Only a Little Different

They were newly married, according to "The New York Sun," and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.

"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.

No answer.

"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still no answer.

"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."

There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."

For Him to Decide

"Well, well," said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep in the bathtub, "what did I get in here for?"

A Large Corporation

An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, "The Smith Manufacturing Company."

As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: "Lawsy mercy! Well, I've hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew before where they made 'em."

Accommodating Man

One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and explaining the scenery, says the Denver "News," one of the passengers whispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell me how that brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It seems a pity he should be crippled."

"That's just it, ma'am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that he just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line."

The Early Bird

The card "Boy Wanted" had been swinging from the window of a publishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.

"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this here 'Boy Wanted' sign?"

"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"

Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man's stupidity.

"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!"

And he was.

No Wonder He Asked "Why?"

Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was troubled.

"I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?" he asked.

"Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as if–"

"It was young and speechless at the time."

"Yes"—with increasing wonder—"and it has never been out of this parlor."

"There are no other young ladies in this house?"

"No; there are not."

"Then why—why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album, while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say: 'Don't do that, Herbert, please don't!'"

The Safest Place

A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag.

"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year."

"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir."

"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?"

"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin' 'round you for safety."

An Inspiring Model

Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to the fowl-run, Johnnie's father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the words:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."

When the Honeymoon Began

A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform the marriage ceremony between a negro couple—the negro preacher of the town being absent from home.

After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.

"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think it is worth to you."

The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot, then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:

"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure."

And She Kept on Smoking

"Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher of an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.

"Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is."

"Do you believe in the Bible?"

"Yes, brudder."

"Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?"

"Yes, I'se heard of it."

"Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a smoker. So what do you say to that?"

"Well, when I go dere I 'spects to leave my breff behind me."

Doubtful Assurances

"Do you think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newly-appointed rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.

"Yes, I think so," replied his wife; "they were all nodding."

A New Use for an Apple

The tailor's sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the tailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.

The tailor with a complacent smile replied:

"If it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be today?"

It Looked That Way

"Is Mike Clancy here?" asked the visitor at the quarry, just after the premature explosion.

"No, sor," replied Costigan; "he's gone."

"For good?"

"Well, sor, he wint in that direction."

Music Touched His Heart

A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and falling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"

Some Amusing Blunders

A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special communion service on the following Sunday informed them that "the Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening."

A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his people, "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar can do for us."

There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his audience, "I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has come here for that reason."

A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great missionary colleges, said, "Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean hearts, give us all sweet hearts," to which the entire congregation made response, "Amen."

The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the unwary. "During Lent," said a rector lately, "several preachers will preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they will be all found hanging up in the porch."

They Come High—But

A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank, promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about three doors away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man said, "That was half a dollar easily earned, son."

"Sure," said the boy, "but youse mustn't fergit that bank directors is paid high in Noo Yawk."

At Any Cost

A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.

"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep and dere's gwine to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to be de goats? Let's all try to be like de li'l white lambs, bredern. Shall we be de goats, sisters? Naw, we's gwine to be de sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep, bredern, an' who's gwine to be de goats? Tak' care ob youh souls, sisters; tak' care ob youh souls. Remember, dere's gwine to be goats an' sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep an' who's gwine to be de goats?"

Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the church, listening attentively, rose and said:

"Oi'll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be the goat!"

Where Was Bill?

Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an inscription on the box which read as follows;

"Bill inside."

All That Glisters is Not Gold

One day an Irishman was seated in the waiting-room of a station with an odorous pipe in his mouth. One of the attendants called his attention to the sign: "No smoking."

"Well," said Pat, "I'm not a-smokin'."

"But you have a pipe in your mouth."

"Shure, an' I've shoes on me feet an' I'm not walkin'."