Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia

"I want two eggs," said the American—"one fried on one side and one on the other."

"'Ow is that, sir ?" asked the astounded waiter.

"Two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the other."

"Very well, sir."

The waiter was gone several minutes, and when he returned his face was a study.

"Would you please repeat your border, sir?"

"I said, very distinctly, two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the other."

Oppressive silence, and then a dazed "Very well, sir."

This time he was gone longer, and when he returned he said anxiously:

"Would it be awsking too much, sir, to 'ave you repeat your border, sir? I cawn't think I 'ave it right, sir, y'know."

"Two eggs," said the American sadly and patiently—"one fried on one side and one on the other."

More oppressive silence and another and fainter "Very well, sir."

This time he was gone still longer. When he returned his collar was unbuttoned, his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding. Leaning over the waiting patron he whispered beseechingly:

"Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir? I've 'ad some words with the cook."

It Was His Only Tie

One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation; "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

A few minutes later his neighbor—Mrs. S.—was summoned to the door by a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:

"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as it is the only one I have?—MARK TWAIN."

Playing Doctor BILLY: "Gentlemen, before we begin to operate, if you will hold the patient's hands and feet I'll get that four cents out of his right-hand pocket."

The Feminine Point of View

The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughby spoke thoughtfully:

"It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more of people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the foolish round of gayety that takes up so much of her time and gives her so little satisfaction, wasn't it?"

His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face, and a satirical smile crossed her own countenance.

"Very pleasant, George," she said clearly. "But what I knew she meant, and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back."

"Why—what—how–" began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his head and gave it up.

He Had Faith in the Doctor

A young English laborer went to the register's office to record his father's death. The register asked the date of death.

"Well, father ain't dead yet," was the reply; "but he will be dead before morning, and I thought it would save me another trip if you would put it down now."

"Oh, that won't do at all," said the register. "Why, your father may be well before morning."

"Ah, no, he won't," said the young laborer. "Our doctor says he won't, and he knows what he's given father."

What He Used the Milk For

A clergyman had been for some time displeased with the quality of milk served him. At length he determined to remonstrate with his milkman for supplying such weak stuff. He began mildly:

"I've been wanting to see you in regard to the quality of milk with which you are serving me."

"Yes, sir," uneasily answered the tradesman.

"I only wanted to say," continued the minister, "that I use the milk for drinking purposes exclusively, and not for christening."

Nothing if Not Polite

An interested visitor who was making the final call in the tenement district, rising, said:

"Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, thank ye, mem," replied the submerged one. "Ye mustn't mind it if I don't return the call, will ye? I haven't any time to go slummm' meself."

Her Little Game

As a married couple were walking down one of the main thoroughfares of a city the husband noted the attention which other women obtained from passers-by, and remarked to his better half:

"Folks never look at you. I wish I had married some one better looking."

The woman tartly replied: "It's your fault. Do you think a man will stare at me when you're walking with me? You step behind and see whether men don't look at me."

The husband hung back about a dozen yards, and for the length of the street was surprised to see every man his wife passed stare hard at her and even turn around and look after her.

"Sure, lassie!" he exclaimed as he rejoined her, "I was wrong and take it back. I'll never say aught about your looks again."

The wife had made a face at every man she met.

A Case of Adaptation

Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said;

"Are you troo?"

"Yes."

"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"

"No."

"Well, all dem tings what you called me you is."

What Would Happen

A woman agitator, holding forth on the platform and presenting the greatness other sex, cried out: "Take away woman and what would follow?"

And from the audience came a clear, male voice: "We would."

Couldn't Fool Him That Far

Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer came to town one day and called on a lawyer friend of his whom he supplied with butter, and who had had a telephone recently put in his office.

"Need any butter this morning?" asked the farmer.

"Well, I don't know," answered the lawyer. "Wait a minute. I'll ask my wife about it."

After speaking through the 'phone he went on; "No; my wife says no."

The farmer's face was a study for a moment. Then he broke out with: "Look-a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a 'Rube' and have my whiskers full of hay and hayseed, but I'm not such a big fool as to believe that your wife is in that box!"

And They Wondered!

At a banquet held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with many beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with one of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there of these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?"

She Had Him That Time

It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife the outcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deep interest.

"No," he sneered, "I won't tell you. If I did you'd repeat it. You women can never keep a secret."

"John," said the woman quietly, "have I ever told the secret about the solitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?"

Necessity: Not Choice

A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street in New York City.

"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?" she demanded.

"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

"No, I don't want to" the woman replied, "but I have to."

Mr. Beecher's Prescription

A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.

"Well," said Mr. Beecher, "I'll tell you what I do. When I first came to Plymouth Church I gave the sexton strict orders that if he saw any person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit and wake up the minister."

A Recipe for a Bridal Couple

It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was a newly-married couple, who made themselves known Co such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormentors: "Yes, we're married—just married. We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak."

During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.

Both of the Same Kind

A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on a special stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:

"When is the train for Madison due here, please?"

"The train went an hour ago, ma'am: the next one is to-morrow at eight o'clock."

The lady in perplexity then asked:

"Where is the nearest hotel?"

"There is no hotel here at all," replied the man.

"But what shall I do?" asked the lady. "Where shall I spend the night?"

"I guess you'll have to stay all night with the station agent," was the reply.

"Sir!" flashed up the lady, "I'd have you know I'm a lady."

"Well," said the man as he strode off, "so is the station agent."

"Follow the Leader"

A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls of eighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by a lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly introduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him to the class for this purpose and said:

"Young ladies, I introduce to you Mr. Chase, who will in future be your teacher. I would like you to tell him what your former teacher did each Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did she always do first?"

And then a miss of sixteen said: "Kiss us."

Very Easily Explained

A neighbor whose place adjoined Bronson Alcott's had a vegetable garden in which he took a great interest. Mr. Alcott had one also, and both men were especially interested in their potato patches. One morning, meeting by the fence, the neighbor said, "How is it, Mr. Alcott, you are never troubled with bugs, while my vines are crowded with them?"

"My friend, that is very easily explained," replied Mr. Alcott. "I rise very early in the morning, gather all the bugs from my vines and throw them into your yard."

Proved His Teacher Wrong

Little Willie's father found his youthful son holding up one of his rabbits by the ears and saying to him: "How much is seven times seven, now?"

"Bah," the father heard the boy say, "I knew you couldn't. Here's another one. Six times six is how much?"

"Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your rabbit?" asked the father.

Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. "I knew our teacher was lying to us," was all he said.

"Why, how?" asked his father.

"Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatest multipliers in the world."

At the Department Store

A man with a low voice had just completed his purchases in the department store, says the "Brooklyn Eagle."

"What is the name?" asked the clerk.

"Jepson," replied the man.

"Chipson?"

"No, Jepson."

"Oh, yes, Jefferson."

"No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n."

"Jepson?"

"That's it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two–"

"Your first name; initial, please."

"Oh, K."

"O.K. Jepson."

"Excuse me, it isn't O. K. You did not understand me. I said 'Oh'."

"O. Jepson."

"No; rub out the O. and let the K. stand."

The clerk iooked annoyed. "Will you please give me your initials again?"

"I said K."

"I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write it yourself."

"I said 'Oh'–"

"Just now you said K."

"Allow me to finish what I started. I said 'Oh,' because I did not understand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was my initial. My name is Kirby Jepson."

"Oh!"

"No, not O., but K. Give me the pencil, and I'll write it down for you myself. There, I guess it's O. K. now."

The Worst Death There Is BY BILL NYE

It is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with the garden hose. I have faced death in almost every form, and I do not know what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into the zodiac and the other peering into the middle of next week, and wearing one of those floppy sunbonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hose and turns on the full force of the institution, I fly wildly to the Mountains of Hepsidam.

Water won't hurt any one, of course, if care is used not to forget and drink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertainty about facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross-eyed woman that unnerves and paralyzes me.

Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I am as cool and collected where leaden rain and iron hail are thickest as I would be in my own office writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes. But I hate to be drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land, and have my dying gaze rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-gauge mule into convulsions and make him hate himself t'death.

A Long-Lived Family

A "dime museum" manager, having heard of a man 123 years of age, journeyed to his home to try and secure him for exhibition purposes.

"Well, my friend," said the museum manager, "the proofs of your age seem to be all right. Now, how would you like to come to my place, just do nothing but sit on a platform and let people look at you, and I will pay you $100 a week ?"

"I'd like it all right," answered the aged man. "But I couldn't go, of course, unless I had my father's consent."

"Your father!" gasped the manager. "Do you mean to say your father is alive?"

"Yes, indeed," replied the man.

"Well, where is your father? Home here?" asked the manager.

"Oh, yes," was the answer. "He's upstairs, putting grandfather to bed!"

Silenced the Ringleader

The head teacher in a Sunday-school was much worried by the noise of the pupils in the next room, At last, unable to bear it any longer, he mounted a chair and looked over the partition. Seeing a boy a little taller than the others talking a great deal, he leaned over, hoisted him over the partition, and banged him into a chair in his room, saying:

"Now be quiet."

A quarter of an hour later a smaller head appeared around the door and a meek little voice said:

"Please, sir, you've got our teacher."

Got Out of That, All Right

"My dear," said a wife to her husband, "do you realize that you have forgotten that this is my birthday ?"

"Yes, dearie, I did forget it," replied the husband. "Isn't it natural that I should? There isn't really anything about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago."

He Simply Looked That Way

The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example," he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He was right.

"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "I should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right.

The other two men got interested.

"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man.

"That's right, too," said the New Englander.

"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man.

"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sick for three months: that's what makes me look that way!"

What She Would Like

A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one to attend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty, approached her and said benignantly, "Is there anything you would like, little girl?"

"Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque, a real foreign nobleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and, oh, ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents' worth of bologna."

The Highest Price in the Store

A rich American woman visited a Japanese art shop in Paris. It happened to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes, jewels, drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner, she said to the polite young salesman: "How much is that Japanese idol over there worth?"

The salesman bowed, and answered: "About five hundred thousand francs, madam. It is the proprietor."

From Different Points

"Father, you were born in California, you say?"

"Yes, my son."

"And mother was born in New York ?"

"Yes."

"And I was born in Indiana?"

"Yes, my boy."

"Well, father, don't it beat the Dutch how we all got together!"

So Son: So Father?

A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, "Hello, Pop, is she after you, too?"

How Could He?

"Papa" was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when he remarked: "I can't see why that young fellow who is calling on Minnie hasn't sense enough to go home. It's near midnight."

"The dear little brother" of the family just then came in, heard his father's remark, and ventured some light:

"He can't go, father. Sister's sitting on him."

Couldn't Leave Town

A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross a certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping or urging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale: "To be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like to leave town."

He Knew His Father

"Suppose," said a father to his little boy, "you have half an apple and I give you another half. How much have you?"

"A whole apple," said the boy.

"Well," continued the father, "suppose you had a half dollar and I gave you another half dollar. What would you have then?"

"A fit," promptly answered the boy.

A Valuable Office Boy

The employer was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The surprised employer opened it, and read:

"Honored Sir—Yer pants is ripped."

She Had a Question to Ask

A certain prominent dry-goods merchant is also a Sunday-school superintendent. Not long since he devoted the last few moments of the weekly session to an impressive elucidation of the parable of the Prodigal Son, and afterward asked with due solemnity if any one of the "little gleaners" present desired to ask a question. Sissy Jones's hand shot up.

"Very well," he said, designating her with a benevolent finger and a bland smile, "what is it you would like to know, Cecilia?"

"Please, what's the price of them little pink parasols in your show-window?"

The Only Time When He Does

A "Subscriber" once wrote to an editor and asked: "Please tell me, does a man in running around a tree go before or behind himself?"

The editor answered:

"That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, necessarily he follows himself, and consequently goes behind. If, on the contrary, he is running away from himself, the deduction leads to the very obvious conclusion that he precedes himself, and consequently goes before. If he succeeds in catching up with himself, and passes himself, at the moment of passing he neither precedes nor follows himself, but both he and himself are running even. This is the only case where he does not go before or behind himself."

In the Absence of a Tip

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not passing the horse?" said an English cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.

"Why?" she inquired.

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for a shilling 'e'll 'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.

Her Father Didn't Like It

A young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her house. "Oh, please, don't do it, dear," she said; "you know father doesn't want you hanging around here."

He Didn't Mind His Going Once

An elderly gentleman, a stranger in New York and not sure of his way, stopped a young man on Fifth Avenue and said:

"Young man, I would like very much to go to Central Park."

The young man became thoughtful for a moment, and then, looking the old gentleman in the face, said:

"Well, I don't mind your going just this once, but don't ever, ever ask me to go there again."

Never Again

It was a pitiful mistake, an error sad and grim. I waited for the railway train; the light was low and dim. It came at last, and from a car there stepped a dainty dame, and, looking up and down the place, she straight unto me came. "Oh, Jack!" she cried, "oh, dear old Jack!" and kissed me as she spake; then looked again, and, frightened, cried, "Oh, what a bad mistake!" I said, "Forgive me, maiden fair, for I am not your Jack; and as regards the kiss you gave, I'll straightway give it back." And since that night I've often stood upon that platform dim, but only once in a man's whole life do such things come to him.

A Kiss in the Rain by SAMUEL MINTURN PECK

  One stormy morn I chanced to meet    A lassie in the town;  Her locks were like the ripened wheat,    Her laughing eyes were brown.  I watched her as she tripped along    Till madness filled my brain,  And then—and then—I know 'twas wrong—   I kissed her in the rain.  With raindrops shining on her cheek    Like dewdrops on a rose,  The little lassie strove to speak,    My boldness to oppose;  She strove in vain, and quivering,    Her fingers stole in mine;  And then the birds began to sing,    The sun began to shine.  Oh, let the clouds grow dark above,    My heart is light below;  'Tis always summer when we love,    However winds may blow;  And I'm as proud as any prince,    All honors I disdain:  'She says I am her rain beau since    I kissed her in the rain.

What He Had Re(a)d

An Irishman, says "The Rochester Times," recently went before Judge Stephens to be naturalized.

"Have you read the Declaration of Independence?" the Court asked.

"I hov not," said Pat.

"Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"

"I hov not, yer Honor."

The Judge looked sternly at the applicant, and asked:

"Well, what have you read?"

Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second before replying:

"I hov red hairs on me neck, yer Honor."

Apostle and Epistle

A man riding through the mountains of Tennessee stopped one evening to water his horse before a little cabin, outside of which sat an old colored woman watching the antics of a couple of piccaninnies playing near by.

"Good-evening, Aunty," he called. "Cute pair of boys you've got.

Your children?"

"Laws-a-massy! Mah chillun! 'Deed, dem's mah daughteh's chilluns.

Come hyah, you boys."

As the boys obeyed the summons the man inquired their names.

"Clah to goodness, sah, dem chilluns is right smaht named!" said the old woman. "Ye see, mah daughteh done got 'ligion long ago, an' named dese hyah boys right out de Bible, sah. Dis hyah one's named Apostle Paul, an' de uddah's called Epistle Peter."

More than Enough

An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic, and, being a favorite with the ladies, had been liberally supplied with good things to eat. Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near a stream with a woebegone expression on his face and his hands clasped over his stomach.

"Why, what's the matter, Willie?" she kindly asked. "Haven't you had enough to eat?"

"Oh, yes'm," said the boy. "I've had enough. I feel as though I don't want all I've got."

His Only Request

A pretty young girl was walking through a Richmond hospital with delicacies for the sick and wounded. She overheard a suffering young Confederate officer say, "Oh, my Lord!"

Wishing to rebuke him slightly she came to his bedside and said:

"I think that I heard you call upon the name of the Lord. I am one of His daughters. Is there anything that I can do for you?"