English Jests and Anecdotes

ONE-EYED WIT

A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have lost,” says the first; “I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.”

WORTH TEN OF IT

An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermon-book too for into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation – “My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.”

PAINTING IN BUTTER

In a club the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary to him of the pen – so much so indeed, that the latter at length, with a good-natured laugh exclaimed, “Why, my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light: you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but – in butter!”

A WITTY AUCTIONEER

An auctioneer replied to a person who was importuning him for the remaining change of a pound note, “You must wait with patience till your change come.”

The auctioneer now mentioned, who is remarkable for the boldness of his wit, said to a young jackanapes who was pestering him during the sale, “that he had read of one ass only that spoke, but he now heard another.”

THUNDER

An itinerant lecturer on Natural Philosophy, and who for some time delivered his prelections in this city, when describing the nature of thunder and the striking phenomena which attend it, gave vent to his alarmed feelings in the following words, “And the repercussant intumescences augment the awful roar.”

MR. SERJEANT BETTESWORTH

The following lines on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister: —

“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,Though half-a-crown o’erpays his sweat’s worth,Who knows in law nor text nor margent,Calls Singleton his brother serjeant.”

The poem was sent to Bettesworth at a time when he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial party. He read it aloud till he had finished the lines relative to himself. He then flung it down with great violence – trembled and turned pale – and, after some pause, his rage for a while depriving him of utterance, he took out his penknife, and opening it, vehemently swore, “With this very penknife will I cut off his ears.” He then went to the dean’s house, and not finding him at home, followed him to the house of a friend, where being shewn into a back room, he desired the doctor might be sent for; and on Swift entering the room and asking what were his commands, “Sir,” said he, “I am Serjeant Bettesworth.” – “Of what regiment, pray, sir?” said Swift. “O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery – you know me well enough; I am one of his majesty’s serjeants at-law, and I am come to demand if you are author of this poem (producing it), and these villanous lines on me?” – “Sir,” said Swift, “when I was a young man, I had the honour of being intimate with some great legal characters, particularly Lord Somers, who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me when I lampooned a knave or a fool never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the author.”

A GOLD FINCH

The following paragraph appeared in the newspapers lately: – “A young lady, who has £60,000, has lately paired off from Bath with a Mr. Finch, a young Hibernian, for Gretna Green, where she will make him a Gold Finch.”

A SMART ANSWER

A late professor taking a country walk, met one of those beings usually called fools. “Pray,” says the professor, accosting him, “how long can a person live without brains?” “I dunno,” replied the fellow, scratching his head; “pray, how long have you lived yourself, sir?”

POT-LUCK

An old and rich gentleman married a young lady of good connections and of fashionable manners. His wife’s levee was always attended by a number of young sparks. The old gentleman, however, steered so clear of all jealousy, and kept himself so easy about family affairs, that he used to go to bed and there wait for his wife, who often protracted her amusements until morning, and came home always escorted by young men. One evening, inspired by Bacchus no doubt, they became very unruly in the old gentleman’s house, so that in order to silence them, he was obliged to empty it upon their heads. This expedient had the most desirable effect, for they almost immediately retreated. Fearing, however, that he had proceeded too far, he told a barrister the whole case the next day, and regretted he was not gifted with greater command of temper. “Why are you sorry?” said the other: “you used the company very genteelly; for they came uninvited, and you gave them pot-luck.”

A POLITE CHAIRMAN

One slippery day a gentleman, as he walked along the streets, suddenly lost the use of his legs and fell. A chairman who stood near him, with the greatest politeness bade the gentleman “come to him and he would lift him up.”

I DON’T DRINK MILK

A gentleman, a professed wit, was invited to tea; an opportunity of displaying his powers before the ladies soon occurred. The lady of the house that evening had milk for tea instead of cream. When the wit was asked if he drank cream, “Yes, ma’am,” says he, “but I don’t drink milk.” The old gentleman was so offended at this unreasonable reply, that he ordered the fellow to walk down stairs, and receive the cream of his jest.

LOST MONEY

“What is that you have found?” said Dr. – to a little boy going along the streets. “A sixpence, sir,” answered the boy. “Let me see it?” said the doctor: “Now my dear, be sure to tell the person who has lost it (putting it in his pocket) that he will get it again, if he calls at my house, St. – Square.”

A FREE TRANSLATION

A professor had a great partiality for certain young noblemen who attended his class, and gave them certificates for proficiency which they did not deserve. Among his pupils was a poor lad, whose abilities the professor despised merely on account of his homely garb and simplicity of manners. One day the professor wished to give his favourites a laugh at the poor fellow’s expense. “Here sir,” said he, “I will give you three Latin words, our city’s motto, which if you translate into English immediately, I will perhaps conceive a better opinion of you than I have done of late: the words run thus, Nisi dominus frustra.” The lad without much thinking, stood up and began, “Nisi dominus frustra. Unless we are lord’s sons, it is vain to come here.”

A “SINGLE” PIG

A butcher of this city bored the ears of his guinea pig, and inserted into them a pair of large ear-rings. As the guinea pig lay before his door one summer day its ludicrous appearance attracted the attention of a gentleman and his daughter who were passing by; the gentleman called the butcher by name, and enquired of him how he came to dress his pig so fancifully? “Why,” said the honest butcher, “to tell you the truth, it is because she’s single, and I wish to get her off.”

WHISTON’S DEFENCE OF TRUTH

Whiston was much taken notice of after his expulsion from Cambridge, and had the friendship of all the eminent Whigs then in London: among these, Secretary Craggs, Addison, Steele, Mr. Walpole, Sir Joseph Jekyl, Sir Peter King, and Lord Chief Justice Parker, were his most intimate. Dining one day with Mr. Craggs, when Addison, Walpole, and Steele were present, the conversation happened to turn on this point, “Whether a secretary of state could be an honest man, as to his veracity in dealing with foreign courts, consistent with the good of his country?” Craggs said it was impossible; Addison and Steele were of the contrary opinion. Having long debated this matter with some warmth, during all which time Mr. Whiston continued silent, Mr. Walpole insisted on his giving his opinion: he begged to be excused, as not having made politics at all his study, though the moral duties between man and man he thought very plain. Being pressed strongly to speak his sentiments, he said he was very clear that the duty of speaking truth was so strong, that no apprehension of any inconvenience arising from it could be a sufficient reason against it: that it was not always our duty to speak, but when we did speak it should be the truth, without any prevarication: and that he did firmly believe, if ministers of state did in general practise it, they would even find their account in it. To which Mr. Craggs replied warmly, “It might do for a fortnight perhaps, Mr. Whiston, but it would not hold.” Whiston immediately asked, “Pray, Mr. Craggs, did you ever try it for a fortnight?” To this no answer was returned. Walpole cried out, “Mr. Whiston, truth has prevailed; Craggs is convicted.”

WEWITZER’S SPENCER

Mr. Wewitzer, late of Drury Lane Theatre, a gentleman no less distinguished for his merit as an actor and his good character as a man, than for the amenity of his manners and the neatness of his wit, having given orders to his tailor for a spencer, asked him how much it would cost. “I cannot,” said Stitch, “exactly say, but you may depend on’t, sir, that it will come very low.” “Then,” said the wit, “it will not be a spencer.”

DISAPPROBATION

An actor played a season at Richmond Theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came he had to sustain a principal part in the piece. The whole of his audience, however (being thirty in number), gave him every mark of disapprobation, and a great hissing, on which he came forward and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope it will be by at least six times as many as I have here to night.”

WOODWARD

When Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was induced, from curiosity or perhaps jealousy, to be present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, “I think I struck out some beauties in it.” “I think,” said Garrick, “that you struck out all the beauties in it.”

TOM WESTON

Tom Weston, of facetious memory, being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the comedian, insisted on his money immediately. “Make yourself easy, my honest fellow,” said Weston, “for by the gods, I will pay you this night in some shape or another.” “See you do, Master Weston,” retorted the landlord, surlily, “and, d’ye hear, let it be as much in the shape of three shillings as possible.”

DELPHINI

When Delphini first came to England, his company was much sought after by the great; he was invited to the most fashionable parties in town; this greatly impaired his health; he therefore resolved to lead a more retired life; but invitation upon invitation pouring in upon him, and he not speaking English very well, asked a friend, “Vat he say, ven de people ax him come tea and sup?” “Say? why say you have got other fish to fry.” In a day or two after this he was met in the street by Lord C – , who told him he was going to have a party that evening, and would be glad if he would favour him with his company. “No,” replied Delphini, “I no come.” “No! why not?” said his lordship. “Cause I go fry my oder fish.”

The same, when he was discharged from Covent Garden, was met one day by his present majesty, then Prince of Wales, who inquired after his health. “My health very bad, Mr. Prince, I get no vine now.” “No wine! that’s bad indeed,” said the Prince; “well, go to my cellarman, and tell him to send you some.” “Yes, I go; God bless you, Mr. Prince.” He accordingly went to the cellarman, and having informed him of the Prince’s orders, he was asked how much he would have, and what sort. He replied, “Only twelve dozen, and all sort.”

A CHEMIST’S DIFFICULTY

A lady, when asked in marriage by a certain chemist, said, “that she had no dislike for him, only she thought that his head was composed of too volatile particles.”

A MAN OF LETTERS

In a certain literary society where the question was, whether the merchant or the man of letters was of the greatest use to society, one of the members asked if by the man of letters was meant a postman?

GOOD LORD, DELIVER US

“They say you’re now become a laird,” said Dr. A. to Dr. B., an eminent accoucheur, as he met him on the street and shook him by the hand. “What would they say,” replied the other, “were I to become a lord?” “They would undoubtedly say, Good lord, deliver us,” answered the other.

LEARNING LATIN

A boy when asked if he understood Latin, replied that he did not know, as he had never tried.

EVIDENCE

“Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” said a judge to a sailor, who had been summoned as a witness in a case of murder, and who had been instructed by some person to repeat what his lordship said to him, and precisely in the same tone in which it was delivered. “Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” replied the other. “What does the fellow mean?” said his lordship amazed. “What does the fellow mean?” answered the other. “This will never do,” said his lordship in a peremptory tone, “you must say the following words after me.” “This will never do; you must say the following words after me, and be d – d!” repeated the sailor.

CASTING REFLECTIONS ON A PROFESSOR

In the late professor H – ’s class, a gentleman’s gilded buttons happened to reflect the sun’s rays upon the professor’s face. The professor, as it may be supposed, ordered the gentleman to desist; the other, ignorant of the matter, with the utmost simplicity, affirmed, “that he would be the last in the class who would cast reflections on the professor.”

A SMART ANSWER

An aged grey-haired beggar came to the door of a country ale-house in England, where the three greatest wits of the parish were sitting over a jug of the best. When he preferred his usual petition, one of the jocular companions ridiculed his appearance, calling him Father Abraham; the second called him Father Isaac; the third Father Jacob; asserting that he must be one of those reverend personages. But finding he answered to neither of those appellations, they exclaimed, “then who the devil are you?” The old man cast on them a look of contempt as he replied, “I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob: but I am Saul the son of Kish; I was sent to seek my father’s three asses; here I have found them, and here I shall leave them.”

MR. MOORE

Mr. Moore, the author of many ingenious pieces, being a long time under an expensive prosecution in Doctors’ Commons for marrying two sisters, was called upon one morning by his proctor, as he was writing his excellent tragedy of the Gamester: the proctor having a leisure hour, Mr. Moore read him four acts of his piece, which were all at that time finished. The proctor was so affected by it, that he exclaimed, “Good God! how can you possibly add to this couple’s distress in the last act?” “Oh, very easily,” says the poet; “there I intend to put them both into the spiritual court.”

THE ITALIANS AND THE WAITER

An Italian singer, at the Opera House, who had but lately arrived in this country, and not speaking English, was so anxious to acquire it, that he always had in his pocket an Italian and English dictionary; and being in general accompanied by a friend who spoke a little better than himself, he determined to practise nothing else. On his first visit to an Orange coffee-house, he placed himself before the fire and called “Vater, vater,” but to no purpose. His friend whispered to him – “He’s no vater at all – he’s vaiter.” “Oh den, vaiter, vaiter.” “What do you want, gentlemen?” “Medin, medin.” “I do not understand,” said the waiter. His friend again whispered – “He’s no medin, he’s dinne me.” “An! dinne me,” repeats the other. “Oh, dinner,” says the waiter; “what would you like to have?” “One large porkshop.” “The devil you will,” said the waiter: “what, a whole porkshop?” His friend whispers – “He no porkshop – he’s one pork chops.” “Oh, pork chops, very well.” The dinner was brought, and after he had dined, he called “Vaiter, vaiter!” “Well sir?” “Mettez moi six or seven turnpikes.” “Seven turnpikes? that’s impossible, sir.” His friend whispers again – “He’s no turnpikes – he’s tiddlepicks.” “Ah! tiddlepicks.” “I do not understand yet, sir.” “No! Got d – n! it is to take it away the meat out ma tooth.”

A RIDICULOUS MISTAKE

A woman once asked another, “Pray, had your mother any children?” Seeing the other laugh, and quickly recollecting herself, “Lord bless me,” says she, “what a ridiculous mistake I made! it was your grandmother I meant.”

CUT DOWN AND CUT UP

A man just hung, and an author just about publishing a book, are nearly in the same predicament – both are in suspense. But we may observe this striking difference between them, namely – the former will certainly be cut down, while the latter will most probably be cut up.

A COURTIER

One of our scarlet courtiers, lighting from his great prancing horse at the court gate, called to one that stood by, and bid him hold his horse whilst he walked into the court. The man seemed afraid of the beast, and asked him if he was not unruly, and whether one man might hold him or no; he answered yes very easily. “Nay, then,” said he, “If it be but one man’s work I would wish you to do it yourself, for I have other business than to walk horses.”

PICTURES HANGED

A fantastic gentleman having bespoke divers pictures to furnish a gallery: when the limner brought them home, he would presently dispose them in their several places. “Here,” said he, “hang this, here that, and there that; but at this end, in full view of the door, will I be hanged myself.”

A GENTLEMAN AND HIS MISTRESS

A gentleman, playing on the lute under his mistress’s window; she disdaining his presence and despising his service, caused her servants to pelt him thence with stones; of which disgrace complaining afterwards to a friend of his, his friend told him that he had much mistaken the gentle woman; for what greater grace could she do to your music than to make the very stones dance about you, as they did to Orpheus.

ONE FOWLE A GENTLEMAN

One Fowle by name, petitioning to a great man in this kingdom, was a long while delayed. At length, somewhat importunate, he stirred the nobleman’s patience so far that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a woodcock as he was, at which the petitioner, smiling, humbly thanked his Lordship for that present courtesy. The lord, turning back and supposing he had flouted, asked him what courtesy? “Why, truly, my lord,” said he, “I have known myself a Fowle these fifty years and upwards, but never knew what fowl till now your lordship told me.” His answer pleased, and his suite was despatched with all possible speed.

AN ABOMINABLE TRUTH

A notable braggard boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch-enemies at once. “The one,” said he, “I tossed so high in the air, that had he had at his back a baker’s basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, he would have been starved in his fall ere he had reached the ground; the other he struck so deep into the earth that he left no more of him to be seen above ground but his head and one of his arms, and those to no other end than to put off his hat to him, as he had occasion to pass that way.”

A PAINTED FACE

A lady, that used to plaister her face extremely so by art, to repair the decays of nature, was on a time, with divers others, invited abroad to dinner. But one of them, an acquaintance of her’s, wished her by no means to go. “Why?” said my lady. “Marry,” replies the gentleman, “’tis ten to one we shall be wondrous merry, and you cannot well laugh, for fear of shewing two faces.”

A TUTOR AND HIS SCHOLAR

A young lad of a college in Oxford, when he should have been in the public hall at disputations, a little before the time fell asleep, and by that means failed of coming down. His tutor, being then moderator, missed him, and after exercise was done went up to his study, where, finding him asleep, he waked him, chid him for sleeping at that time of day, and angrily asked him why he was not at disputations. The youth, after a little yawning and stretching, replied, “Truly, sir, I did not dream of it.”

PETER MARTYR

One Peter Martyr, a great scholar, and very famous in his time, had been a long time suitor for a bishopric, but was still crossed in his suit. At last four friars-confessors were preferred together to four vacant Sees, and he not remembered, which he hearing of, said, “Methinks amongst so many confessors one Martyr would not have done amiss.”

A YOUNG MASTER OF ARTS

A young master of arts, the very next day after the commencement, having his course to a common place in the chapel, where were divers that but the day before had taken their degree, chose his text out of the eighth chapter of Job. The words were these: “We are but of yesterday, and know nothing.” “This text,” said he, “doth fitly divide itself into two branches – our standing and our understanding – our standing in these words, ‘We are but of yesterday;’ our understanding, ‘We know nothing.’”

A TRAVELLER DROWNED

When a gentleman heard that a traveller, a friend of his, was drowned, he fetched a great sigh and said, “Now God rest his soul, for he is gone the way of all flesh.” “Nay,” said another, then standing by, “if he be drowned, he is rather gone the way of all fish.”

A MONUMENT TO CRANMER

The High Church at Oxford, having acquired a very large amount of subscribed money to erect a temple or monument in honour of Archbishop Cranmer, was desirous to find a site on the very spot where he was buried. In their search they not only concluded that the spot had been found but also his bones. To make quite certain these were sent for examination to Professor Buckland, who, having examined them, pronounced them to be the bones of a cow.

TALLEYRAND

The wife of an ambassador, in passing before Talleyrand through an ante-room to dinner, the latter looking up, exclaimed significantly, “Ah!” The lady, speaking across the table during dinner, asked him why he said “Oh!” Talleyrand, with a grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, “Madame, je n’ai pas dit oh! j’ai dit Ah!”

DENTISTRY IN INDIA

An English dentist practising in India got a commission to make a set of teeth for the King of Delhi. The prime difficulty was how to obtain the model, as the hand of a Christian in the royal mouth would be counted an abomination. It was at last decided that if his hands were washed in the Ganges contact might be permitted. The teeth suited admirably. One of the courtiers declared they would be good for nothing, and the king, to test them, desired him to put his finger in his mouth and try. The king made a snap and nearly bit the finger in two. Unhappily, the teeth suited so well that the king’s appetite, being enormous, brought on a plethora, which nearly killed him, and the teeth were consigned to the Ganges.

LONDON HOSPITALITY TO MEN OF GENIUS

Sydney Smith was accustomed to entertain his friends with a description of the dining process by which Londoners extracted all they wanted from new literary lions. “Here’s a new man of genius arrived; put on the stew pan; fry away; we’ll soon get out of him all we want.”

SELLING A HORSE

A horse dealer had a horse for sale. The intending purchaser, intending to use him as a hunter, was desirous of knowing his leaping qualities, and enquired, “Would he take timber?” “He’d jump over your head,” answers the other; “I don’t know what you call that.”

THE PARALLEL OF THE ODYSSEY AND THE RED INDIAN

Homer relates how in spite of all the precautions of Ulysses, his companions let loose the Bag of the Winds, and he, calmly wrapping his mantle round his head, submits to his fate. The passage is thus translated —

“I then awaking, in my noble mindStood doubting, whether from my vessel’s sideImmersed to perish in the flood, or calmTo endure my sorrows and consent to live.I calm endured them; but around my headWinding my mantle, laid me down below.”

An Indian chief was lying asleep in his boat, which was fastened to the shore, in the still water above the current of the Niagara Falls. An enemy passing along cut the rope and sent the boat adrift, which was soon hurrying down the cataract. The Indian, awaking, at once saw his danger, and made every effort by means of his paddle to stop the career of the canoe and gain the land. He soon found that his efforts were unavailing, and that his destruction was at hand. He took a draught from his brandy flask, wrapped his mantle about him, and calmly looking forward at the fate awaiting him, went down the Falls.