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She looked at the tiny fingers that were clinging to hers. How tragic that one so young had lost her mother. Who would she turn to as she grew through her childhood into her teens and then as a young woman—nannies and carers and a host of lovers that came and went in Leo’s life? What sort of upbringing would that be? Eliza knew what it was like to be handed back and forth like a parcel nobody wanted. All her life she had tried to heal the wound the death of her mother had left. Of feeling that it was her fault her mother had died. Would it be the same for little Alessandra? Feeling guilty that she was somehow the cause of her mother giving up on life? Of constantly seeking to fill the aching void in her soul?
There was a sound from the door and Eliza turned and saw Leo standing there watching her with an unreadable expression on his face. ‘Where’s Laura, the agency girl?’ he asked.
‘I think she’s having a shower. I was just going past and I—’
‘You’re not on duty until the morning.’
Eliza didn’t care for being reprimanded for doing something that came as naturally to her as breathing. Sleeping children needed checking on. Distressed children needed comforting. She raised her chin at him. ‘Your daughter seemed restless. She called out to her mother. I comforted her back to sleep.’
Something moved through his eyes, a rapid flash of pain that was painful to witness. ‘Marella is waiting to dish up dinner.’ He held open the door for her in a pointed fashion. ‘I’ll see you downstairs.’
‘She looks like you.’ The words were out before Eliza could stop them.
It was a moment or two before he spoke. ‘Yes…’ His expression remained inscrutable but she sensed an inner tension that he seemed at great pains to keep hidden.
She swallowed against the tide of regret that rose in her throat. If things had been different they would both be leaning over that cot as the proud, devoted parents of that gorgeous little girl. They might have even had another baby on the way by now. The family she had longed for, the family she had dreamed about for most of her life could have been hers but for that one fateful night that had changed the entire course of her life.
‘Mamma?’
Eliza swung her gaze to the cot where Alessandra had now pulled herself upright, her little dimpled hands clinging to the rail. She rubbed at one of her eyes with a little fisted hand. ‘I want Mamma,’ she whimpered as her chin started to wobble.
Eliza went over to the cot and picked up the little toddler and cuddled her close. ‘I’m not your mummy but I’ve come to take care of you for a little while,’ she said as she stroked the child’s back in a soothing and rhythmic manner.
Alessandra tried to wriggle away. ‘I want Kathleen.’
‘Kathleen had to go and see her family,’ Eliza said, rocking her gently from side to side. ‘She’ll be back before you know it.’
‘Where’s Papà?’ Alessandra asked.
‘I’m here, mia piccolo.’ Leo’s voice was gentle as he placed his hand on his daughter’s raven-black head.
The base of Eliza’s spine quivered at his closeness. She could smell his citrus-based aftershave; she could even smell the fabric softener that clung to the fibres of his shirt. Her senses were instantly on high alert. Her left shoulder was within touching distance of his chest. She could feel the solid wall of him just behind her. She was so tempted to lean against the shelter of his body. It had been so long since she had felt someone put their arms around her and hold her close.
‘I wetted the bed,’ Alessandra said sheepishly.
Eliza could feel the dampness against her arm where the little tot’s bottom was resting. She glanced up at Leo, who gave her a don’t-blame-me look. ‘She refuses to wear a nappy to bed,’ he said.
‘I’m too big for nappies,’ Alessandra announced with a cute little pout of her rosebud mouth, although her deep-set eyes were still half closed. ‘I’m a big girl now.’
‘I’m sure you are,’ Eliza said. ‘But even big girls need a bit of help now and again, especially at night. Maybe you could wear pull-ups for a while. They’re much more grown-up. I’ve seen some really cool ones with little pink kittens on them. I can get some for you if you like.’
Alessandra plugged a thumb in her mouth by way of answer. It seemed this was one little Munchkin who was rather practised in getting her own way.
‘Let’s get you changed, shall we?’ Eliza said as she carried the little girl to the changing table in the corner of the nursery. ‘Do you want the pink pyjamas or the blue ones?’
‘I don’t know my colours,’ Alessandra said from around her thumb.
‘Well, maybe I can teach you while I’m here,’ Eliza said.
‘You’d be wasting your time,’ Leo said.
Eliza glanced at him with a reproving frown. Little children should not be exposed to negative messages about their capacity to learn. It could set up a lifelong pattern of failure. ‘Pardon?’ she said.
‘My daughter will never learn her colours.’
‘That’s ridiculous,’ she said. ‘Why ever not?’
He gave her a grim look. ‘Because she is blind.’
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_b1cc7130-8c5a-58b1-bfdb-b4e2a09bac1e)
ELIZA BLINKED AT him in shock.
Blind?
Her heart clanged against her ribcage like a pendulum struck by a sledgehammer.
Alessandra was blind?
Her emotions went into a downward spiral. How cruel! How impossibly cruel that this little child was not only motherless but blind as well. It was so tragic, so unbearable to think that Leo’s little girl couldn’t see the world around her, not even the faces of the people she loved.
How devastating for him as a father. How gut-wrenching to think of all the obstacles that little mite would face over her lifetime. All the things she would miss out on or not be able to enjoy as others enjoyed them. The beauty of the world she would never see. It was so sad, so tragic it made Eliza’s heart ache for Leo. It made her ache for the little toddler who lived in a world of blackness. ‘I’m sorry…I didn’t realize…’
‘Will you tell me a story?’ Alessandra piped up from the changing table.
‘Of course,’ Eliza said. ‘But after that you have to go back to sleep.’ Oh, dear God, how did the little babe even know it was night? Anguish squeezed the breath out of her chest. She felt as if she was being suffocated by it. How had Leo coped with such a tragic blow? Was that why his wife had ended her life? Had it been too much for her to cope with a child who was blind?
The agency girl, Laura, came in at that point. ‘Oh, sorry,’ she said. ‘Is she awake? I thought she’d settled for the night.’
‘My daughter’s bed needs changing,’ Leo said curtly.
‘I’ll see to it,’ Laura said and rushed over to the cot.
Eliza had finished the business end of things with Alessandra and gathered her up in her arms again. ‘I have just the story for you,’ she said and carried her back to the freshly made up cot. ‘Do you like dogs?’
‘Yes, but Papà won’t let me have a puppy,’ Alessandra said in a baleful tone. ‘He said I have to wait until I’m older. I don’t want to wait until I’m older. I want one now.’
‘I’m sure he knows what’s best for you,’ Eliza said. ‘Now, let’s get you settled in bed before I start my story.’
‘Where’s Kathleen?’ Alessandra asked. ‘Why isn’t she here? I want Kathleen. I want her now!’ Those little heels began to drum against the mattress of the cot.
‘I told you she had a family emergency to see to,’ Leo said.
‘But I want her here with me!’ Alessandra said, starting to wail again.
Eliza could see that Alessandra was a very bright child who was used to pushing against the boundaries. It was common after the death of a parent for the remaining parent or other carers to overcompensate for their loss. It was just as common for a child with a disability to be treated the same way. The little girl was used to being the centre of attention and used every opportunity she could to grasp at power.
‘Kathleen is going to be away for the next month,’ she said. ‘But I think it might be nice if Papà gets her to call you on the phone while she’s away.’
‘Does she miss me?’
‘I’m sure she does,’ Eliza said. ‘Now, let’s get those feet of yours still and relaxed, otherwise my story won’t come out to play.’
‘How long are you staying?’ Alessandra asked.
Eliza glanced at Leo but his expression was as blank as a mask. ‘Let’s not worry about that just now,’ she said. ‘The important thing is that you get back to sleep. Now, let’s see how this goes. Once upon a time there was a little dog who loved to chase…’
‘Asleep?’ Leo asked as Eliza joined him downstairs a few minutes later.
‘Yes.’ She came over to where he was standing and looked up at him with a frown. ‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me?’
‘I did tell you.’
‘I meant right from the start.’
‘Touché and all that.’ He gave an indifferent shrug of one broad shoulder before he took a sip from the drink he was holding.
Eliza gave him a cross look. ‘You should’ve told me at the beginning.’
‘Would it have influenced your decision in taking up the post?’
‘No, but I would’ve liked to know what I’m dealing with. I could’ve prepared myself better.’ I could have got all this confusing emotion out of the way so I could think straight.
‘Yes, well, life doesn’t always give one the chance to prepare for what it has in store.’
Tell me about it, Eliza thought. ‘She’s a lovely child but clearly a little headstrong.’
His look was brittle. ‘Are you saying I’m a bad parent?’
‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘It’s very clear you love her as any good parent should. It’s just that it seems she’s in control of everyone who has anything to do with her. That’s very stressful for young children. She needs to know who is in charge. It’s especially important for a child with special needs. How long has she—?’
‘She’s been blind from birth.’
Eliza felt her heart tighten all over again. It was a cramped ache deep in her chest. ‘That must have been a huge blow to you and your wife.’ How she hated having to say those words—your wife.
‘It was. Giulia never quite got her head around it. She blamed herself.’
‘It seems to me every mother blames herself no matter what the circumstances.’
‘Perhaps, but in Giulia’s case it was particularly difficult. She thought she was being punished for setting me up.’
‘Did you blame her?’ Eliza asked.
His brows came together over his dark eyes. ‘Of course not. It was no one’s fault. Alessandra was premature. She has retrolental hyperplasia. It was previously thought to be caused by an excess of oxygen in perinatal care but there’s divided opinion between specialists on that now. It’s also called ROP. Retinopathy of Prematurity.’
‘Can nothing be done?’ Eliza asked. ‘There are advances happening in medicine all the time. Surely there’s something that can be done for her?’
‘There is nothing anyone can do. Alessandra can only distinguish light from dark. She is legally and permanently blind.’
Eliza could hear the pain in his voice but it was even more notable in his expression. No wonder those grey hairs had formed at his temples, and no wonder his eyes and mouth were etched with those lines. What parent could receive such news about their child without it tearing them apart both physically and emotionally?
‘I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine how tough this has been for you and will no doubt continue to be.’
‘I want the best for my daughter.’ His expression was taut with determination. ‘There is nothing I won’t do to make sure she has a happy and fulfilled life.’
Eliza wasn’t quite sure what role she was meant to play in order to give Alessandra the best possible chance in life. The child had suffered enough disruption already without a fly-in, fly-out nanny to confuse her further. What Alessandra needed was a predictable and secure routine. She needed stability and a nurturing environment.
She needed her mother.
The aching sadness of it struck Eliza anew. How devastating for a little toddler to have lost the most important person in her life. How terrifying it must be for little Alessandra when she woke during the night and wanted the comfort of her mother’s arms, only to find a series of paid nannies to see to her needs. No wonder she was difficult. Even a sighted child would be hard to manage after suffering the loss of her mother.
‘What do you hope to gain for her from my period as her nanny?’ she asked.
‘You’re an excellent teacher. You understand small children.’
‘I’ve never worked with a vision impaired child before, only a profoundly deaf one,’ Eliza said.
‘I’m sure you’ll find a way to make the most of your time with her,’ he said. ‘After all, I’m paying you top dollar.’
She frowned. ‘It’s not about the money.’
A dark brow arched over his left eye. ‘No?’
‘Of course not.’ She pulled at her lip momentarily with her teeth. ‘Don’t get me wrong—I’m happy about your donation to the school, but I’m not in this for what I can get for myself. I’m not that sort of person.’
‘Is your fiancé rich?’
Eliza felt the searing penetration of his cynical gaze. The insurance payout from the accident, along with the modest trust fund his late father had bequeathed Ewan had provided a reasonably secure income for the rest of his life. Without it, he and his mother, who was his chief carer, would have really struggled. ‘He has enough to provide for his…I mean our future.’
‘What does he do for a living?’ Leo asked.
She looked at him numbly. What could she say? Should she tell him about Ewan’s accident? Would it make a difference to how he thought of her? Explaining the accident would mean revealing her part in it. She could still see Ewan’s face, the shock in his eyes and the pain of rejection in every plane and contour of his face. He had looked as if she had dealt him a physical blow. Even his colour had faded to a chalk-white pallor. For so long since she had wondered if she could have prepared him better for her decision to end things. It must have come as such a dreadful shock to him for her to announce it so seemingly out of the blue. She had been struggling with their relationship for months but hadn’t said anything. But over that time she had found it harder and harder to envisage a future with him. Her love for him had been more like one would have for a friend rather than a life partner. Sex had become a bit of a chore for her. But she had felt so torn because he and his mother were the only family she had known after a lifetime of foster home placements.
And he had loved her.
That had always been the hardest thing to get her head around when it came to her final decision to end things. Ewan had loved her from the first moment he had helped her pick up the books she had dropped on her first day of term in sixth form after she had been placed with yet another foster family. She’d been the new kid in town and he had taken her under his wing and helped her to fit in. Being loved by someone had been a new experience for her. Up until that point she had always felt out of place, a burden that people put up with because it was the right thing to do for a kid in need. Being loved by Ewan had made her feel better about herself, more worthy, beautiful even.
But she hadn’t loved him the same way he loved her.
‘He has his own business,’ she finally said, which was in a way not quite a lie. ‘Investments, shares, that sort of thing.’
Marella came in just then, which shifted the conversation in another direction once they had taken their places at the table.
Eliza didn’t feel much like eating. Her stomach was knotted and her temples were throbbing, signalling a tension headache was well on its way. She looked across at Leo and he didn’t seem to be too hungry either. He had barely touched his entrée and took only a token couple of sips of the delicious wine he had poured for them both. His brow was furrowed and his posture tense. She sensed a brooding anger in him that he was trying to control for the sake of politeness or maybe because he was concerned Marella would come in on them with the rest of their meal.
‘You blame me, don’t you?’ Eliza said into the cavernous silence.
His eyes were like diamonds, hard and impenetrable. ‘What makes you say that?’
