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How to Fall in Love with a Man Who Lives in a Bush
Nichola Smalley
Emmy Abrahamson
A fresh, hilarious and compulsively readable love story with the most wonderful kernel of truth to it. An uplifting and clever read for fans of Graeme Simsion and Marian Keyes.Julia is looking for Mr Right, but Ben is more Mr Right-Now-He-Could-Do-With-a-Bath..You may think you know what kind of novel this is, but you’d be wrong.Yes, Julia is a single-girl cliché, living alone with her cat in Vienna and working in a language school. And yes, a series of disastrous dates has left her despairing of ever finding The One – until Ben sits next to her on a bench. He’s tall, dark, handsome……and also incredibly hairy, barefoot, a bit ripe-smelling and of no fixed abode.You guessed it – they fall in love, as couples in novels do. But can Julia overlook the differences between them, abandon logic and choose with her heart?Funny, filthy (literally) and fizzing with life – and based on a true story! – this is the perfect antidote to all those books promising you that Prince Charming lives in a castle.
Copyright (#ufdc6ca50-8079-536d-a306-47315ce5c654)
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it , while at times based on historical events and figures, are the work of the author’s imagination.
The Borough Press
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2018
Albert Bonniers Förlag, Stockholm, Sweden. Published in the English language by arrangement with Bonnier Rights, Stockholm, Sweden
Emmy Abrahamson asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
Nichola Smalley asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of the translation
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2018
Copyright © Emmy Abrahamson 2018
English translation © Nichola Smalley
Cover design Micaela Alcaino © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018
Cover photographs © Shutterstock.com (http://www.shutterstock.com)
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books
Source ISBN: 9780008222338
Ebook Edition © October 2017 ISBN: 9780008222369
Version: 2017-12-21
Table of Contents
Cover (#uea7d7bd0-0e28-5625-a0c4-a8332dba8f69)
Title Page (#uaa9f26ee-c442-5bdb-9726-42af3d946396)
Copyright (#uf71d2dbd-5176-5c5a-aafd-bf8db6db4636)
Chapter 1 (#u26a97528-dda3-56c4-9521-a94668d9c312)
Chapter 2 (#u9f78dbf8-0bb8-5e3d-a272-0b7b8ba47394)
Chapter 3 (#u7a730f6f-fa84-5ed1-a009-1ce21e8646fe)
Chapter 4 (#u5c00a8c3-9abb-50e3-9d95-80b96718fc2f)
Chapter 5 (#u1aa1084d-824e-5bcb-a21b-ea22099c8f0e)
Chapter 6 (#udff70dc0-37f5-5a08-9890-b601f2247342)
Chapter 7 (#ubb848b06-9436-564f-b4a1-e71371028bf8)
Chapter 8 (#uae0a8d57-58de-5834-9ab4-559fe3d40329)
Chapter 9 (#ua144ba5d-95d8-52b9-915a-0d391c050797)
Chapter 10 (#ufecea658-6834-5cf5-b313-ba607f659c93)
Chapter 11 (#u2e77ae35-ec14-5143-8475-913e9b3cbbea)
Chapter 12 (#u45d36655-3010-5f41-8969-bd345c3e7544)
Chapter 13 (#u62bcfbab-bb41-5942-9ffb-f28c3601cc69)
Chapter 14 (#u324090a3-9279-5323-a6bf-3f6d352c24e3)
Chapter 15 (#u9443f2e7-c278-5c4e-ad98-a5f83c6ab59e)
Chapter 16 (#u7792cb96-ba88-56bb-a15b-dedabebb2029)
Chapter 17 (#u332e1c46-a098-58ae-843e-21a72a1b721b)
Chapter 18 (#u7078a99a-8f8f-5f34-9017-27447c716279)
Chapter 19 (#uf163f4b3-b09d-56d4-a229-87e6e38de3fe)
Chapter 20 (#u236e19c4-896e-52be-b26b-e3d1ce72c8db)
Chapter 21 (#u3020a617-0e71-55f8-adc8-afebe2f88c9d)
Chapter 22 (#ucad3b876-2046-5ca8-bdd3-b5ec547c827b)
Chapter 23 (#u3f269a35-0959-5418-9c30-993aa8cfb501)
Chapter 24 (#u3dffcd6d-fa36-533a-97a2-6fb5c1de6cc0)
Chapter 25 (#ufa11c57b-789b-58c8-bfb6-7bfa64693b2a)
Chapter 26 (#ucae62f60-e4f6-5a0b-829f-c5ee7192cc74)
Chapter 27 (#u31905486-80ec-59bf-b86f-5f09809e7a73)
Chapter 28 (#uf7269554-9dc1-58da-be90-39c2da29a22a)
Chapter 29 (#ub4e49afa-b884-59f8-863a-cbcb806fb844)
Chapter 30 (#u5a1ac9f2-5e79-5518-bd31-9faed4a095fc)
Chapter 31 (#ub42b0520-f99e-53e9-a636-49660b41f493)
Chapter 32 (#u285dc270-cc78-5783-b87c-67eb138a9f25)
Chapter 33 (#ued02d4f9-2e1e-51b0-92b3-bee9bfb75785)
Chapter 34 (#u8f99c6a1-e591-5926-92e1-5498470a9a4a)
Chapter 35 (#u54ae39bb-0a23-5822-86ab-12174f411a41)
Chapter 36 (#u911677d8-62c5-5fa5-88d8-158887bf0178)
Chapter 37 (#ua98aaf14-67ce-5e6f-b974-dc08993ab9b9)
Chapter 38 (#u3b987e07-486f-5a68-8823-8a2ea35242ef)
Chapter 39 (#uc8301f0c-b7fc-56af-8090-e86ef2bdbc69)
Chapter 40 (#u88a0117f-1b28-5973-b5e6-bbbc54dece5a)
Chapter 41 (#u182d4c24-d31c-5d93-8c6a-732fb9117362)
Chapter 42 (#u52082187-baf7-54e9-98d3-923f64f8552f)
Chapter 43 (#u1a2571fb-f14e-56a3-bc9c-b46d3fa3b395)
Chapter 44 (#u001fd3c4-afbc-5153-8452-cd83cb417143)
Chapter 45 (#ufca75b7a-3b11-5501-a4a7-7046b68b43bc)
Chapter 46 (#ufe9df4bf-ebab-5c13-b425-a0011c04f688)
Chapter 47 (#uf0d0ab2d-60a5-53c6-9ef2-56c812f7e3c0)
Chapter 48 (#ufd78a733-cfed-5628-b168-f0cd8276ebdd)
Author’s Note (#u200427fd-fd75-5df2-8762-ed553af942fa)
Questions for Further Discussion (#ubd75e3f8-7067-507a-b39e-9620d2dd859c)
A Conversation With Emmy Abrahamson (#u1d8f2313-2740-5a36-8a13-fc68634da4fc)
Being the Man in the Bush (#ud3be87c3-6384-5b87-9775-11c4cbbf1f6d)
About the Author (#u9a4b29dd-f610-5fea-b820-3e0d50fc9efe)
About the Publisher (#uaff4ce2e-94a4-5090-b022-52622d643592)
1 (#ufdc6ca50-8079-536d-a306-47315ce5c654)
‘I love cock!’ the woman says cheerfully.
I look down at my notes, scribble something illegible, place the ballpoint on the table and clear my throat.
‘What you’re trying to say … I think … or I hope … although I’m happy for you if you really feel that way … is perhaps that you love to cook. To cook. Not … cock.’
It’s the eleventh lesson of the day, and I’m so tired I’ve started rambling. What’s more, I’ve spent the whole time looking down at my mint-green information card to remind myself what the student’s name is. Petra Petra Petra. Worryingly, I also notice that I’ve taught this student at least three times before. And yet I have no memory of her. It’s as though all my students have turned into a single, faceless blob that’s unable to distinguish between Tuesday and Thursday, and stubbornly refuses to use the perfect tense. A blob that continues to say ‘Please’ in reply to a thank you, despite my hundreds of reminders about saying ‘You’re welcome’. A blob that believes language learning is a process that occurs automatically as long as you’re in the same room as a teacher. With a quick glance at the clock I realise there are still another twenty minutes till the lesson is over. Twenty minutes of eternity.
‘And, er … Petra, what kind of food do you like to cook?’ I ask.
It was never my dream, or plan, to become an English teacher. But after four months’ unemployment, the advert saying that Berlitz was looking for teachers was almost too good to be true. The training course was only two weeks long, and as soon as we were finished we could start teaching. Even so, I spent the first few weeks glancing at the door and expecting the ponytailed guy who’d run the course to come rushing in and breathlessly exclaim: ‘It was only a joke. Of course you’re not allowed to teach. We were just having a laugh!’ before throwing me out onto the street and escorting the student to safety. That was when I was still sitting up late every evening preparing the next day’s lessons. I carefully drew up lesson plans, making sure each class was varied and entertaining. I made copies of interesting articles, wrote down questions, drafted inoffensive role plays and laminated photos that would lead into relevant themes for discussion. All to get my students speaking as much English as possible.
Now they’re lucky if I even glance at their information cards before entering the room. This minor rebellion on my part started the day I realised I’d been teaching for significantly longer than the six months I’d planned and – even worse – that I was good at it. I was both patient (who’d have thought that would be the main ingredient for a good language teacher?) and had a knack for getting my students to speak English. Now that I’ve stopped planning my lessons and they’ve become a mystery to both me and my students, life has become a bit more exciting.
‘Oh, everything. Schnitzel, sausages …’ says Petra.
‘Complete sentences,’ I say, encouragingly.
‘I like to cook schnitzel and sausages,’ Petra says obediently.
Because the basic rule of the Berlitz method is that you can learn a language through everyday conversation, I can keep a lesson going for as long as I can come up with things to talk about. My three years as an English teacher have turned me into an expert in small talk. Once I got a student to talk about the lock he’d changed on his garage door for a quarter of an hour, just to see if I could.
‘And what’s your favourite drink?’ I ask.
Petra considers. ‘Tap water.’
‘Complete sentences,’ I repeat with a strained smile.
‘My favourite drink is tap water,’ Petra says.
I continue to smile at her, because I genuinely have no idea what to say to someone whose favourite drink is tap water.
For the final fifteen minutes, we do a cookery-themed crossword. When the bell rings I let out a little pretend sigh and turn down the corners of my mouth to show how sad I am that we have to finish. We shake hands, of course, and Petra disappears off home, probably to a dinner consisting of schnitzel and sausages washed down with a glass of tap water.
