Daddy

Praise from the Participant Dads

‘Excellent read! Absolutely unputdownable for new and expecting dads! Would have been even better had this been around when my son Archit was born!’

—Abhishek Srivastava

‘A riveting, heart-rending, responsible and flawless depiction of a father-son relationship. Strongly recommended as a must-read for parents, especially fathers.’

—Anant Ganesh

‘Fatherhood is this biggest joy and this book will make your journey through parenthood seamless and fun.’

—Asad Lalljee

‘A book that brings out the male perspective on child-birth was long needed. Daddy is a brilliant and very useful read.’

—Debashis Das

‘A must-read for all modern-day parents. Tuhin has put his heart and soul in consolidating his experiences.’

—Rajan Gupta

‘Finally, a book about, for, and by the modern, urban, Indian father—an oft-neglected demographic.’

—Roopak Saluja

‘A practical handbook with emotional connect makes it a unique read.’

—Roshan Kanal

‘It’s a must read for the younger generation to realise what all their dads did for them…It will help kids reconnect to their dad’s with a fresher outlook.’

—Shobhit Jaiswal

‘The book is a must-read for every dad-to-be, particularly in a world where nuclear families have become the norm. With no support from grannies and uncles, it becomes even more imperative that the husband equally helps his wife in nurturing the kids.’

—Zahid H Javali

About the Author

TUHIN A. SINHA is among the best-selling authors in India, a columnist and a screenwriter.

Tuhin is acknowledged among the most prolific Indian writers with a maverick knack to experiment with new genres. While his first book, That Thing Called Love (2006) was an offbeat romance, The Captain (2008) was a cricket thriller that explored the underbelly of modern cricket. Of Love And Politics (2010) was a political thriller. His fourth and fifth books The Edge of Desire (2012) and its sequel, The Edge of Power (2013) can be called socio-political thrillers with a strong feminist skew.

Daddy is Tuhin’s sixth book and his first non-fiction narrative.

Tuhin is also a screenwriter of several popular TV shows, the most noteworthy being Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai on Star Plus.

Apart from his fiction novels and scripts, Tuhin is a keen political observer. His columns on Indian politics appear regularly in India’s leading dailies. Tuhin has a regular blog on ibnlive.com. He also appears frequently on news channels on discussions around politics and cricket.

At present, apart from working on two other books, Tuhin is a consultant with Reliance Broadcast, in- charge of new programming initiatives for their TV channel, Big Magic.

Tuhin is a doting Dad who has often bunked work to steal additional time with his son. He is not a bad husband either.

Daddy

The Birth of a Father

Tuhin A. Sinha

www.millsandboon.co.uk

For

Neev Tanish,

you’ve gifted me the most pristine experience on earth

Daddy,

whose virtues and values I carry today as a father

Ramy,

for bringing Neev into the world

Mamma,

for being the most wonderful mother

And for every passionate and evolving Dad who redefines the parent-progeny relationship with a new meaning.

Acknowledgments

There aren’t many instances in your professional life when you instinctively derive the courage to swerve away from conventional commercial considerations and do what you believe in. In that situation it is equally an arduous task to find the right person who believes in what you believe in. Thank you Amrita Verma Chowdhury for the strength of your conviction. Thank you for your indefatigable efforts and initiative in nurturing the book and making it happen in its present form. As a publisher, you have been exceptional.

Thank you, Mohini Chaudhuri for your being so patient and relentless through the editing process. This was not an easy book to edit and your contribution to the book stands out.

This book would not have happened without the sporting participation of ten young fathers who eagerly took queries, some of a personal nature, and with whose inputs I was able to bring forth more perspectives for the readers. Thank you, Abhishek Srivastava, Asad Lalljee, Anant Ganesh, Debashis Das, Rajeev Shukre, Rajan Gupta, Roopak Saluja, Roshan Kanal, Shobhit Jaiswal and Zahid H. Jawali for taking time out from your busy schedules and making the book more engaging.

I owe a debt of gratitude to renowned psychologist, Dr. Seema Hingorrany, senior paediatric consultant and oncologist, Dr. Santanu Sen and paediatrician Dr. Ninad Hebbalkar for contributing exclusive write-ups for the readers. The book’s utility for the common reader has gone up manifold with your contributions.

I am grateful to Vivek Oberoi, Manoj Bajpayee, Madhur Bhandarkar, Tarun Katial, Nandita Aggarwal and Vinita Nangia for their consistent encouragement.

I remain grateful to my mom and dad for instilling in me values that had me believe that a book of this nature was long overdue and had to be written.

I am as grateful to my wife Ramyani and son Tanish for being my reservoir of strength. You make life more liveable.

Last but not the least, as always, I remain thankful to my readers! No contemporary Indian writer has perhaps experimented as lavishly with all his books as I have. You give me the strength to believe that the bestsellers’ chart is not the be all and end all. There is a beautiful world beyond it.

The Rainbow

My heart leaps up when I behold

A Rainbow in the sky:

So was it when my life began;

So is it now I am a man;

So be it when I shall grow old,

Or let me die!

The Child is father of the man;

And I wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety.

—William Wordsworth

Contents

Cover

Praise from the Participant Dads

About the Author

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

The Rainbow

Prologue

Section A: BECOMING DAD

1. Introduction

Why I wrote the book

2. I Want to Become a Dad…But Am I Ready?

My first paternal pangs

When to be a father

It’s written in the stars

The clock is ticking…

Things to remember

Section B: WHAT A DAD NEEDS TO DO DURING PREGNANCY

3. You’re Expecting! What Next?

Deciding the doctor and hospital

Make your home baby-friendly

Scans and more…

Stem cell banking

Things to remember

4. Giving Emotional Support

She needs some tender, loving, care

Say goodbye to your social life

Put wife before work

Help her through morning sickness

Indulge her food cravings

Pick up household chores

Protect mother and baby

Sometimes you have to sit back and let go!

Plan a baby moon

Section C: THE BIRTH

5. Labour Day

Early birds

The final countdown

There will be blood!

So far but so good

Watch out for the waterworks

6. Managing Birth Complications

Testing times ahead

Managing the crowd

Is your hospital a safe zone?

Things to remember

Section D: THE HOMECOMING

7. Announcing the Baby

Finally, Tanish and mom re-unite

Bringing home the new addition

The longest car journey ever!

Of pujas and photo ops

Say hello to the virtual world

8. Caution! Speed Bumps Ahead

Getting down to business

At times, formula milk is inevitable

Don’t over-react

A separation

Things to remember

9. The Name Game

The key players

Google thy name

The perfect fit

Better late than never

Things to remember

10. Up All Night

Say goodbye to sleep

Adjusting to new sleeping patterns

Working your magic

Co-sleeping with your child

Things to remember

11. For Crying Out Loud!

Take a chill pill

The language of tears

Swaddling

To do or not to do?

Things to remember

12. Relax, Little One

Time to bond

The first bath

Safety rules to remember

Massaging your baby

13. I’m Always Anxious

Feeding woes

Obsessing over your baby

Finding a good paediatrician

Ruling out anomalies

Things to remember

Section E: NEW MOM, NEW DAD

14. Emotional Atyachaar

Mind your language

Everyone has an opinion!

Screen your visitors

Internal atyachaar

Am I fat?

Managing grandparents

More people equals more love

Things to remember

15. Pati, Patni or Woh! The Nanny Diaries…

Yes, we need help

The nanny from hell

Agencies or personal reccos?

Give the nanny a break

Things to remember

16. Getting Life Back on Track

No time for love

Reconnecting with your wife

Things to remember

17. It’s Not All About the Money, Honey!

Office politics before the baby

Is she worried about her job?

Maternity leave is over. What next?

Not without my baby

Things to remember

18. Daddy Needs Bonding Time too

Crazy, stupid, love

The new-age dad

Take note, corporate dads

Are you a Helicopter Dad?

Too close for comfort

Paternity leave in India

Things to remember

Section F: SIX MONTHS AND OVER

19. An Accident at Every Corner

Have a safety plan

Baby-proofing the house

Blink and miss!

The technological solution

Guard against secondary drowning

Things to remember

20. Separation Anxiety

What does this mean?

Our tryst with separation anxiety

How should I prepare my baby?

Things to remember

An Expert Take—by Dr. Seema Hingorrany

Things to remember

21. My Baby is the Boss of Me

Am I spoiling my child?

The early symptoms

Even parents get homework

Don’t let the tears fool you

It’s time for some tough love

Teaching habits

Things to remember

22. Keeping the Little One Entertained

Games galore

Gadget geeks start early

With a little help from friends

Malls vs open spaces

When to allow TV

Encourage physical activities

Power of age-old story telling

Things to remember

23. Protecting Your Baby

Don’t panic! This too shall pass

Are vaccines optional?

Common illnesses

Things to remember

An Expert Take—by Dr. Santanu Sen

An Expert Take—by Dr. Ninad Hebbalkar

24. Teaching Your Tot

School’s in session

Do we need one?

How to find the perfect school

The first day

Things to remember

Section G: A CASE FOR INVOLVED FATHERHOOD

25. Fatherhood across Generations

The way we were

My daddy strongest

Things I’d do differently

26. A Letter to My Son

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

Fathers Interviewed for the Book

Copyright

Prologue

As I dwell upon what has been the most beautiful phase of my life, I feel blessed to have enjoyed the unflinching support of several kind-hearted souls who shared my joys and sorrows through this journey. Some of these relationships were inherited; others formed, often unsuspectingly, at different stages of life. The inherited relationships constitute what we call family, while the acquired ones include my circle of friends.

They say birth, death and marriages are made in heaven. What that implies is that we were destined to be born to a certain set of parents, marry a certain man or woman, and have a certain being as our son or daughter. While we choose our friends, the people with whom we’re closest to were perhaps always meant to be a part of our lives. An invisible, divine force plays a crucial role in determining these relationships.

The Hindu religion accords great reverence to our lineage. An important ritual in most of our pujas is to pay homage to our forefathers. The last five ancestral fathers in a family are invoked by the priest through chants and prayers and their blessings sought. I have always felt a strange kinship with those names, most of whom I have never seen or met. I don’t know what they looked like; how different their lives were from the ones we lead today and yet, I know that I am in this world because of them. I owe my existence to the vast lineage to which my forefathers and I belong. So while documenting my journey forward, I feel a strong urge to thank them for taking their generations ahead. They form the foundation of my being, my values and my beliefs.

In addition to the reverence that I have always had for my father, about whom I talk later in detail, I also greatly admire four other father figures who are worthy of emulation. Each of them belong to a different world—mythology, literature, sports and films. Their lives are a true celebration of fatherhood.

These are the stories of Nandaraj and his foster son Krishna, spiritual partners Debendranath and Rabindranath Tagore, novelist Ramesh Tendulkar and cricketing genius Sachin Tendulkar, and Aamir Khan and his surrogate son Azad Rao Khan.

Nandaraj & Krishna

According to Bhagavata Purana, Krishna was born not out of a sexual union, but by a divine ‘transmission’ from the mind of Vasudeva to the womb of Devaki. He was born in a prison during a period of political turbulence in Mathura. King Kansa, Devaki’s brother-had ascended the throne by imprisoning his father King Ugrasena. Afraid of a prophecy that predicted his death at the hands of Devaki’s eighth ‘garbha’, Kansa locked the couple in a prison cell and killed their first six children.

Krishna narrowly escaped death when he was secretly handed over by Vasudeva to his foster parents, Yashoda and Nandaraj, immediately after his birth. Nanda was the head of a community of cow-herders who belonged to Vrindavana. What fascinates me is the sheer selflessness with which Nanda offered to adopt Krishna and in the process risked his own new-born daughter Yogamaya’s life by handing her over to Vasudeva. He accepted Krishna and raised him with all the love his own father could not provide.

Scriptures do not delve deep into the motivation behind Nanda’s grand gesture. But what I learnt from the story is that fatherhood is a state of mind. It means protecting a young life from imminent perils and nurturing it to realise its true worth.

Debendranath Tagore & Rabindranath Tagore

The seeds of Rabindranath Tagore’s spiritual journey were sown way before he was born. Much of his philosophical bent, which is celebrated worldwide through his poems and prose, came to him as inheritance from his father Debendranath Tagore. Debendranath belonged to an affluent family, but he believed that meditation, prayers and travel accelerated brain development better than knowledge from books. He belonged to the intelligentsia of his days which took great pride in its philosophical leanings. Santiniketan was in fact Debendranath’s discovery and not Rabindranath Tagore’s, as some might believe. Rabindranath further developed his father’s discovery and got it its due recognition.

As I flip through the pages of Tagore’s autobiography Jiban Smriti, it tells me that if the father connects with his son at a spiritual level, he often creates a legacy which is far greater than material inheritances.

Ramesh Tendulkar & Sachin Tendulkar

Ramesh Tendulkar, a respected Marathi novelist, was professionally poles apart from his sportsman son Sachin Tendulkar. However, both the Tendulkars shared a common goal of excellence and hard-earned self-respect. In his book, The Tendulkar Opus, Sachin says, “My father understood exactly how to get the best out of me. He always encouraged me and told my mother that he had full faith in me. It was probably reverse psychology, but as I got older I felt like I could not misuse that trust. He warned me against taking short cuts and told me to just keep playing, despite the ups and downs. My parents taught me that it is important to live every day of your life with grace and honour. When it came to choosing between cricket and going to university, he said, ‘You can play cricket, I know that is your first love, so go for it’.”

It might not have been easy for an educationist to watch his son put sport over academics, which makes it admirable that he blessed Sachin with his support. Sachin’s achievements are known world over and do not need further mention. From their inspiring story I learnt that a father should be prepared to take risks for his son and back his talent, no matter how unconventional his choices may be.

Aamir Khan-Azad Rao Khan

Superstar Aamir Khan and his wife Kiran Rao had their first baby, Azad Rao Khan, through the In vitro fertilisation surrogacy technique. This is an expensive procedure and not every couple having trouble conceiving can afford it. Some, however, have had the good fortune of experiencing parenthood through IVF surrogacy but are too embarrassed to acknowledge it.

For a public figure like Aamir to make a candid and brave admission set a new precedent of sorts. By attaching his brand value to the procedure, he managed to remove the unpleasantness associated with something that is scientific and healthy. Later, fellow superstar Shah Rukh Khan too followed in his footsteps, using IVF surrogacy for the birth of his third child.

I credit Aamir and his family for making their new-born a torch-bearer for many such deliveries in the future. His brave move has created for Azad, a path of truth, courage and progression.

While these are fathers I look up to, there are umpteen examples of dads who have failed their children. They were either found wanting in fulfilling their responsibilities or were outright indifferent to their child’s upbringing. Ironically, Mahatma Gandhi, who is known as the Father of the Nation, wasn’t the best parent to his son Harilal. An article published in The Guardian in 2007 corroborates this. “Mahatma Gandhi once confessed that the greatest regret of his life was that there were two people he had not been able to convince. One was Mohammed Ali Jinnah and the other was his eldest son, Harilal Gandhi,” said the story.

Gandhi was only 18 when his first son was born. Six months after the birth of Harilal, he left his family in South Africa to train as a barrister in London. Harilal’s early years were marked with complete neglect by his father which reflected in his various complexes and rebellious nature. He spent his life fighting against all that his father stood for and died a pitiable death a few months after his assassination. Did Gandhi get carried away in his exaggerated sense of idealism, making Harilal a victim? Well, the answer to that question will always remain a subject of conjecture.

German leader Adolf Hitler too had a tempestuous relationship with his father Alois through his growing up years. It is widely believed that Hitler was so terrified of his abusive father that it led to a persecution complex. Sadly, Hitler’s flawed personality resulted in consequences and casualties that impacted an entire generation.

So I guess it’s safe to say that a dysfunctional father-son relationship can almost never produce healthy or positive personalities. This is where a spiritual connect between the father and son becomes all the more important. A positive father can help his child explore facets of his personality that he would have never imagined existed in him. An aloof one, on the other hand, can end up fuelling unhealthy complexes that inhibit growth and progress.

Section A